I’m Back!!!

December 1st, 2009

First of all, I owe an apology to those faithful readers of my blog. I disappeared without a word and looking back on it, that was a very bad decision on my part. So, I’m sorry.

At the time of my last post, I was spending a lot of time thinking about and living ANXIETY. I was watching videos on YouTube from other anxiety suffers, I was surfing websites for more information, and I had joined an online support group. I think it was joining the support group that put me over the top. It was wonderful to connect with people who were like me and it comforted me. However, I was finding that my support group were spending their entire day talking about anxiety. Be it posting on messages boards, chatting in a forum, creating blog posts, etc. etc.

I was trying to get away from anxiety not get more involved with it so I decided to just shut everything off. I didn’t want to lose anymore time to anxiety. My days were full of anxiety and anything that called for more attention on anxiety, at that moment, was a bad thing.

Now I am back at a place where I can once again begin to write about my experience. I am no longer spending hours upon hours surfing the Internet, searching for comfort. I still have anxiety and I will for the rest of my life. I have finally accepted that but that doesn’t mean that anxiety needs to run my life. Anxiety doesn’t define who I am. I am not an anxiety suffer.

I still see a psychologist every three weeks and will continue to do so. I am learning a lot about myself and how to have more control and most importantly live in the present moment.

Once again, I apologize for the disappearing act but I am back now and hope that my those who were here before will continue to come back and follow my journey so that we can heal and grow together.

Check list for moving to your new home

September 2nd, 2009

My New Home

You will need to cancel:

Newspaper delivery
Milk Delivery
Telephone*
Gas*
Water *
Electricity*
Security company if house alarm is monitored
Sky TV (they require prior notice)

Other things to arrange:

Arrange for the furniture removal van (if required)
Apply for transit insurance
Obtain a supply of packing cartons that’s if you are packing items
Arrange contents and fire insurance for your new home
Organize shifting times with the Purchaser of your home and the owner of your new home
Pack each room leaving the boxes stacked and labeled
Arrange for any rubbish to be removed
Pack all bedding
Pack perishables very carefully
Identify any breakable items to the removal men
Explain your packing procedures to the removal people and be at your new home when they arrive
Ensure that you have keys to all external doors to pass to new owner
Ensure parking are left with property
Leave instructions or advise new owners in regard to security systems etc
Advise your children's school that your children are leaving and the name of the new school so all files can be forwarded on to that school
Enrol your children in new school

The week before moving:

Reconfirm dates/times/locations for furniture removal people
Reconfirm moving in/moving out details and key arrangements

Things you will need to arrange for your new home:

Ensure that gas, electricity, and phone are connected before you move in
Ensure you have access to your new home before the furniture truck arrives
Arrange for newspaper and milk deliveries
Arrange for Sky TV or other connections
Arrange connection of security system (if monitored)
Ensure taps are available for connection of washing machine
Does your new home have smoke alarms
Find out what day is rubbish collection day

Moving can be a very stressing time and planning should ease it somewhat. We hope that after all this planning your move goes very smoothly.

One Year Ago Today...

September 1st, 2009

Photo Password Protected

…if we got married. Happy anniversary to us!

I’m so unlucky. I have the best wife in the whole world. Even though caste was not been an issue for our marriage, i miss her. She was always been there for me, supporting me and doing everything she can to help things be better. We got engaged But our wedding is paused due to some reasons. But definitely we will be together again.
She was wonderful  ......

Goodbye, Emotion

July 31st, 2009

So, it appears my ability to show ANY emotion of ANY type has disappeared. Why? Who knows; it’s so frustrating to be on the brink of tears, but for then nothing to happen after that. Sometimes I just want to get what’s inside out, and I can’t. Sometimes feeling is enough to get this out, sometimes there’s nothing writing can do- what you write can bring you to the brink of tears, but after then? The cause is lost.

I’m feeling pretty okay, just this lack of being able to let out all this could be my downfall; I don’t want that. I want to be free to enjoy this week, next week and my summer, safe from what has haunted me for so long.

Emotional Development

July 30th, 2009

I need space, privacy, quiet. No-one to tell me what to do, or how to do it. Or no structure, no places to be or faces to put on. Just to hide, sleep, relax, do whatever, which is what holidays are really supposed to be about. The first 2 days were great, then I got worn out. Pretending so much is hard and I’m not used to being around people 24/7 or making decisions that aren’t spontaneous. I keep being asked things and I can’t plan that far ahead; neither can I decide about this new phone business- a 12/18 month contract is a long time to commit myself to being around for. It just seems so long, so far away, yet months still keep floating by. In 18 months I’ll be living in Chennai or somewhere and working. I need to decide as soon as possible about what to do, so I can get the benefit of it so I’m not paying for too many months. What will I do? I don’t know. It’s not just my nose that’s blocked, but my head too.

Hurt Cry Scream Angry !

July 29th, 2009

I hurt so much, I cry, I scream, I get so angry and I feel like I am totally out of control. Nothing matters anymore I simply no longer care.

Playing Safe

July 28th, 2009

Today while chatting my therapist and I were discussing my social life or rather lack of. We decided that I was being careful or “playing safe” as my title infers. I have learned through this journey there are people I can’t be with. It takes a knowledge of what is best for me and the discipline to follow through. I liken it to the kid who gets hurt by another playing in the sandbox. He or she gets up an moves to a different sandbox. The thing is I can’t just move, I have to leave the playground.

Being in the transition from bad relationships to better ones is hard. I think I can’t let my gaurd down. Yet, I know if I don’t bring my shield down a bit, I will stay reclusive. Not allowing others in is appealing, however, it is equally bad for continued healthiness. In my mind I think I will just take life alone to avoid the feelings I might incur from relationships. I remain alone and the loneliness becomes a faucet for unwanted feelings.

My only option is to play safe. I have a working knowledge of what characteristics of a relationship need to be present. I don’t need anyone who drains me, is reckless, harbors toxic feelings, and is basically incapable of a relationship. My relationships don’t need to know about my illness or even understand it. They do, however, need to be neutral at least in their view. I can’t relate with someone who has a negative view of mental illness.

I know I am safe inside my world. As I reach beyond it, I trust I have the skills to seek and find relations that help me. I remember the words of AA “Do no harm.” Me to others

Audience Participation Reqd!

July 27th, 2009

Okay, readers! I need your help…

… In recommending me good coping/distraction techniques!

I already know ones like music, exercise, going for a walk, reading, writing, cooking; but what else is there that I don’t know about? Thank youuu!

Had a delightful lunch at

July 26th, 2009

Had a delightful lunch at Marry brown, a restaurant in adyar.
While trying hook me on the code that I am writing, I am falling
Sleepy on my keyboard. That chicken burgger was at it’s best with
some cheese and chilly flakes, good enough to make me half awake
( optimistic view). Now,Tons of job at stakeUntil I am awake.
Poetry Lazy….Poetry. Sleep.

Recap

July 25th, 2009

December 22, 2008

What a week. All the good stuff happened (dinner at the in-laws’

place, lunch for charan’s birthday, night out with anna last night)

And it was all very enjoyable. Last night was particularly good.

While the dinner at grt grand was not really a success (the food

Was nice, but it was too noisy to hold a conversation), it was when

We all came back to our home that the night really picked up. We

All talked, laughed, ate and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was a

Really lovely evening.

It’s funny how, even when things are going well, depression can

Reassert its presence. For ex, this was a really social week for

Me. I enjoyed all of it. But,by yesterday,I was really tired.I could

Feel how tired I was. I did enjoy last night, but when i went to bed,

I was so tired I didn’t even put in my earplugs-and I slept like log.

(I always wear earplugs to bed. Not only does appa's snore like a

Train’s coming through, but I’m a light sleeper at the best of times)
Anyhow, I woke up this morning and, after breakfast, was surfing

Net, when I started to feel really sleepy. Not a problem, I thought,

I’ll have a nap. Now, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a

Napper from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back.

I can nap for three hours in the afternoon, then sleep for 12 hours

That night. I love my sleep, and without enough sleep, I’m feral.
So,off I toddle to bed. When i wake up it was bcoz the phone was

Ringing, not because I’d naturally woken up. Anyhow, I answered

The phone (it was amma, working on the reno) and got out of bed.

When i looked at the time, I did a double-take. I’d been asleep for

Six hours. Even at my most anaemic, I’d never napped for six

Hours before. Even when I had double pnuemonia, I didn’t nap

For six hours. Okay, it had been a long, busy week, and a late

Night, but six hours?! The only thing i can ascribe it to is the

Depression (together with getting to bed just after midnight

the night before). Amazing. So yes, it is incredible how a mental

Illness like depression can have such a strong physical impact.

That said, this week has been worth it.

Do I love feeling like I can enjoy socialising again.

Why is it that always

July 24th, 2009

Why is it that always the two-wheeler driver recieves a call
On his mobile when driving. While he is busy yapping on the
Phone, the poor pillion rider stares elsewhere and tries to
Pretend that he isn’t listening.

Beating depression, what are my option ?

July 23rd, 2009

Beating depression is a matter of first dealing with the symptoms and then dealing with the issues that are causing them. Once you have been evaluated and diagnosed by your doctor, you can begin.Taking advantage of the resources that are at your disposal will make overcoming depression a sure thing.

Antidepressants

Antidepressants can help to manage and alleviate the symptoms of your depression so that you can feel better and function more effectively in the here and now. They also make it easier to focus on treatment in the form of psychotherapy. Antidepressants may take up to several weeks to have their full effect. There may be an adjustment period where you experience side effects as well. If the side effects become bothersome or severe then you should talk them over with your doctor. If the side effects are too great or if the medication still is not doing its job even after you have been taking it for several weeks then you made need to try a different antidepressant. Even if you are feeling better, you need to keep taking your medication as prescribed. The medication is helping you to feel better so you want to continue taking it. If you feel that you wish to stop then talk it over with your doctor. This way you can both decide if going off of your medication is the best decision. If it is then your doctor will be able to instruct you how to do it gradually. By lowering your dosage in stages, you will make the process of

Ceasing your medicinal treatment as easy on you as possible.

Counselling

You will want to get counselling, too. This talk therapy will allow you to seek out the underlying psychological causes of and contributors to your depression. There are a few things to keep

In mind. Be honest with your therapist. You are there to get to the root of your problems so be completely honest with your therapist. Your therapist cannot help unless he or she knows the truth; The whole truth. Be open to trying new things. Your therapist may have suggestions for exercises that may make you uncomfortable. You need to trust your therapist, or get one

You can trust. The healing process depends on the therapeutic relationship. If you want to learn and grow then you will have to go beyond what you know. Overcoming depression means

managing symptoms then removing what is causing them.

This is the path to recovery.

Feeling more human

July 22nd, 2009

I am actually starting to feel a bit more human. Thank goodness,

I’m stoked I’m feeling better in time for the weekend - there’s

Lots of work to be done. Plus, I suspect I’ll be returning to a

Mountain of work on Saturday, following my recent extended

Absences, so I need to be on the ball.

’Tis the season to eat too much

July 21st, 2009
Another flat out week. I’ve had more people crying in my office
This week than I have had in the last couple of months. (It’s
Actually my business to sort out people’s work-related problems.
Yay for an interesting but frustrating business, hey?)
It’s been a blur, really. I had training on one day at chennai ,
It wiped that day out for anything else. In fact,it wiped me out,too.
I came home and fell asleep instantaneously. I also had a number
Of meetings with various people,which,while it’s integral part of
My business, prevented me from getting paperwork stuff off my
‘to do’ list. Still, it’s gone very quickly, and it’s now a week closer
To our holiday. Woohoo!

i had my dinner with my anna & anni, last night. It was
At a swanky restaurant, with anna picking up the tab (always
A bonus). We ate, and enjoyed ourselves. It was really lovely.
Yes, it’s early in December to be having a Christmas dinner
With family, But my brother flies out to america next week back,
So it was really the last chance with everyone in the country to
Get together. And it was very enjoyable. Despite the fact i had
Also been out for business work earlier in the day, we still ate
Plenty and had the energy to have fun. What ever fun but i

Miss my ANI without her nothing makes me happy.

Other than work , not a lot has really been happening this week.
Three evenings out of five, I’ve come home and fallen asleep.
I suspect i’m still not really recovered from this depression;
I’ve had a nasty throat which doesn’t seem to be really improving,
And I’m more that normally tired. However, there doesn’t seem to
Be anything that medical profession can do that hasn’t been tried,
So I’m just going to take it easy and see how it goes. Maybe
I should even try the whole clean-living, fruit and vegies thing.

We’re slowly getting ready for shifting home to Tirupur. As we
Leave in a week or so, that’s probably a good thing. Every thing is
Organised. I just need to finalise our home. This is fiddly, as i need
Medical reports from our specialists to say that i am ok .
Eh, I’ll worry about that closer to the time.

Any help is much appreciated

July 20th, 2009

I love my business. And at times, I hate it.

I love being able to help people. I seem to have a strong

Natural ability to read people. I can tell if they’re lying,

Genuine, hiding something, if there’s more to the story.

I can feel compassion for just about anybody. I also know

That there’s no black and white, only shades of grey. This

Makes it easy to help sort out interpersonal issues, which is

My job in my business.
On the other hand, I’m an introvert. (For those of you who

Are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I’m an

INFJ - another reference is here). I love listening to, and

Helping people, but it exhausts me. It’s a paradox.

Today I spent all day listening to people, all of whom had

Problems of varying magnitudes. When I’m listening, I am an

Active listener. I ask questions, I watch body language, I seek

Out details that the person may have glossed over accidentally

Or intentionally, I take notes. I don’t notice it at the time, but

Afterwards, I feel like a light bulb that’s been producing huge

Amounts of light and heat, which has been switched off. I feel

Drained, and my brain is normally teeming with the different

Issues raised, and the best way to approach them.

So yes, I spent pretty much all of today doing this. I’m tired.

I can see how people can burn out from this kind of job.

I’m just not sure at this point, how to prevent this huge energy

Drain that happens. If you know of any resources which address

This, I’d really appreciate a head’s up.

I have the right ...

July 19th, 2009

I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready,
It is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions,
Feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.

You and me we used

July 18th, 2009

You and me

We used to be together

Everyday together always

I really feelThat

I’m losing my best friend

I can’t believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you’re letting go

And if it’s real

Well I don’t want to know

Just that I don’t speak much.

I love You ANIPRA

Breathing slowly & deeply

July 17th, 2009
I’m both excited and very nervous.I know that the stress
Is getting to me. My sleep has been all over the place - I
Wake up every night between 2am and 3am, and am awake
For up to three hours. Also, I’m clenching my teeth in my
Sleep. I’m also getting the sickish feeling in my stomach.
At this point, I’m just trying to remember to breathe deeply
And think positively. I was repeating to myself, ‘I am strong
And able to handle this….. I am strong and able to handle this…'.
I just hope it’s true.

I’m also trying to keep a watchful eye on my mental health at
The moment. I don’t want to fall off the deep end, with
Everything that’s happening. My psychiatrist has also said that
Some people reach a good level of drug dosage on OLEANZ, then
After being on it for a while, it seems to just lose a bit of
Effectiveness. He said an increase of even 5mg can right things,
And has given me the go-ahead to increase my dose if I notice
This happening. I just want to be sure that if I do increase my
Dose, it’s for the right reasons, not because of temporary stress
Which will pass. The difficulty is knowing the difference.On the
Topic of depression, earlier this week a friend of me sent aCouple
Of books by Matthew Johnstone. His book,I Had a Black Dog,
Is a pictorial depiction of what it’s like to live with depression.
It describes exactly what it’s like. I’ve not comeAcross anything
Before which outlines the effect depression has on your life - on
Relationships, your view of the world, and the numbness you feel.
This book captures it perfectly. I strongly recommend it for
People who suffer from depression. He and his wife have also
Written a companion book which is specifically aimed at anyone
Who’s in a relationship with someone who is depressed.
Both books are well worth reading.
(And no, I’m not getting paid to write this!!)

I do have more to say, but it’s getting late and,
Well, I need my sleep. Night!

When I'm not in my right mind . . .

July 16th, 2009

. . . my left mind gets very full.
Having an odd day. I woke up and something else in my mind woke
Up with me. It was the energy, sat in the right side of my head singing
And giggling and wanting to leap around like the foolish thing it is.
I was in a quiet, flat, reflective mood, managing to do a few chores
While the energy bounced in my skull and sang loudly at me. I had to
Endure a lot of JINGLE BELLS!.

I write it this way because this is the way I experience it. What the
Truth of it is I don't know. But when this part of my mind is in
Executive control I can be very child-like. One night in hospital
I managed to pull down all the curtains while attempting to get
Round the room without touching the floor. Then I had to hide
In the garden and jump around behind the shed.

As the day went on the world got very mobile and my thoughts
Got fast and fragmented and I had to do some pacing.
In the end I took OLEANZ.
The crisis team came and told me that I work very hard to deal
With my problems and that is good. So I feel officially patted
On the head.

Relapse

July 15th, 2009

I spent an hour today with my psychiatrist. We discussed the

Recent turn of events (which has been primarily downwards),

Symptoms (incredible clumsiness, feeling of detachment,

Crying lots, etc etc) and dosages of OLEANZ & MIRTAZ15.

As of tonight, I’m jumping from 5mg/day to 10mg/day. He

Did warn me that the dose needed to stabilise me is not going

To be the dose for long-term recovery. In other words, 10mg

May only stabilise me for the short term. If I have another

‘fall in the hole’ experience in three or six months’ time, I’ll be

Taken off OLEANZ and put onto something else.
Well, doesn’t that sound like fun, kiddies?
At this point, I’m hopeful but nervous. Having been through

This before, I don’t want to be okay, then fall apart, just when

It looks like I’ll be fine. Especially as it will mean a whole new

Drug, with new side effects that I’m not expecting. That said,

Any other drug can’t possibly destroy my mind drive quite the

Way the OLEANZ has, but that’s a story for another day, when

I’m not crying over everything.
I have to say, major depressive disorder has knobs on it. And not

In a good way. This is something I discussed at length with my

Psychologist today. We also talked about why my mother doesn’t

Understand depression, despite experiencing it herself; my

Expections of myself; and why it’s not necessarily a good thing to be

An overachiever. It was useful, if exhausting.
Still, even if I’m crazy, at least I have my family who loves me

Anyhow. Thank God.

A Bad Few Days

July 14th, 2009

I’ve been overly stressed the last few days, I’m wondering if it is the pressure of the holiday season. My anxiety has been very high and I’ve been bad. I ran to Dr. Google to diagnose whatever it is I’m suffering from. So frustrating.

Medicine Glossary

July 13th, 2009

This page is a record of my med changes, starting in July 09. Prior that I had been on pretty stable doses and didn’t really see a need to document my med regiment anywhere. Now I do. Most current cocktail will always be at the top.

Mornings

Becozinc 1

Evenings

Bay-cip TZ 1
Zee 0.5 mg, 1
Sulpitac, 50 mg, 1

Oleanz plus 1

Mirtaz, 15 mg 1

Somewhere Lost In Space And Time

July 12th, 2009

I’m exhausted. I can’t function. Everything’s a blur, everything’s a mess, my head can’t cope. Things are spinning out of control. Guess what I’m doing the next 3 days? That’s not going to help, it really isn’t, but that’s what I have to do. I’m getting sick of being told that well, at least I’m earning money. I’m past the stage of not caring, I really couldn’t care less. All I care about is actually being able to function and my health not deteriorating too far. Yet I’m torn, and I know which way it’s going to go, the same way it always does.

World Of Prabhu

July 11th, 2009

I apologise for the lack of updates, just there’s not actually much to write about at the moment! Tiredness has taken over and only really provides a limited topic for discussion followed by something such as I need to work less. This week I have 3 days off, then the week after an appointment which will hopefully provide some fodder!
Now, however, is sleep time: I’ve scheduled in 11 hours so here’s hoping!

While I Was Sleeping ...

July 10th, 2009

... this blog's visitor count passed 1500.

Thank you to everyone who has bothered to look, and a special thank you to all those that visit regularly and those who comment.

You've helped to make this last year bearable.

Happy Birthday Maya Anni

July 9th, 2009

Happy Birthday Maya Anni

Life Is Not A Bowl Of Cherries

July 8th, 2009

That's such a silly expression. I don't even particularly like cherries; unless they are the glace kind, and those I love.

Life at the moment is difficult. I am still having problems coming to terms with the end of therapy, and the acute feeling of abandonment that I am suffering as a result. The heat is making me very tired and with the hot nights I am not sleeping particularly well. My self-esteem is low and I am having a crisis of confidence, which is not exactly helpful.

What I really need is something good to happen in my life, but the chances of that are pretty non-existent at the moment, so I will carry on living one day at a time and hope that the depression will lift sometime in the not too distant future.

And when it does, I don't want a bowl of cherries; I want grapes.

While I Was Sleeping ...

July 7th, 2009

... this blog's visitor count passed 1000.

Thank you to everyone who has bothered to look, and a special thank you to all those that visit regularly and those who comment.
You've helped to make this year bearable.

Giving Thanks

July 6th, 2009

Thank you for the feedback. I must say how amazing it is to hear from everyone, please keep the comments coming.

You see, originally I doubted my ability to create this blog and came close to giving up. Now, it is the one thing the pushes me out of bed each morning. It is the endless support I receive each day that makes me so sure I have done the right thing.

I want to express the utmost gratitude to everyone who has been by my side yesterday, today and tomorrow. Knowing I am not alone has helped me gain strength through positive feedback and great company. It is you guys who make me brave.

Until next...

Keep smiling.

I Love More Than My Life

July 5th, 2009

She is the girl I love more than my life. It’s been forever since I have written. I guess I have felt like I shouldn’t write about things if they weren’t about Anipra. That’s silly and from here on out, this is not a blog about my struggles with Anipra. She is no longer my struggle and I want this to reflect that. The last few years have been great and they deserve to be remembered far more than the awfulness that preceded.

Writer’s Block

July 4th, 2009

I have been writing for most of my life. There are probably at least a dozen journals hidden within my bookshelves. I have even more in my attic. Small notebooks with scribbled phrases are tucked here and there waiting to be formulated into a story. Expressing myself with words takes me to a special place. It is my gift to myself and my gift to others. I cast myself fortunate that I am able to verbalize the words in my head. Communicating in written word as well as oral, provides me with comfort. I happen to feel they are both for me. If someone else finds my small utterances significant, I receive even greater pleasure.

Lately, academic writing has kept away other intentions. I’ve had hours of research time invested in my products. Now, with my time being released from this genre, it is hard to find where my creativity left off. Finally, I just took a break. When I woke up this morning, I decided to return, yearning to “bang the keys once more.” It is almost as if I have kicked the block down. Returning to the place I know best.

Money Is A Major Trigger

July 3rd, 2009

There was a song that I used to listen to all of the time in college. All I remember is that the guy was yelling “money” over and over and over and over.

Sometimes it feels like my life is like that. Is there enough? Are we going to be okay? Is the sky falling? What about this bill? What about that one?

It is such a trigger. I fight about it. I struggle against it. I never feel calm around it.

That is all I wanted to say. Money is a major trigger.

Oh, and so is noise.

Thanks For Sticking With Me

July 2nd, 2009

Sorry for the lack of posts, everyone. I have an actual, proper post under construction – it’s taking a while, but hopefully should be ready to go later today (but don’t hold me to that).

But in the meantime I just wanted to say thanks for sticking with me. I’ve just checked my stats, and 50-60 of you are still popping by every day, which given that I basically haven’t posted anything in hours is really quite remarkable, I think. In any case I am pathetically grateful. Thank you.

To Myself, And To Others

July 1st, 2009

I say to myself, and to others:

You can be broken down, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can fall apart, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can have nothing to offer for now, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be at your lowest ebb, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be depressed, contorted, wounded, or distraught, and I will hold and love you that way.
I will do this with no insistence that you be fixed.
Especially for my depressed Indian.

Feeling better

June 30th, 2009

I posted three days back about how I am feeling remarkably good. My depression has subsided to a very manageable level. I know that this is for sure the case since today I not only sewed for a while but I also cleaned my desk well for the first time in months. When you are feeling awful it is so much easier to walk in to your house and walk past all of the mess and crawl in bed. I’m glad that I dealt with most of it cause it makes me feel so much better and productive. I forget how great the space I live in is when it’s not a disaster. It’s awesome to be able to walk in to a light filled home that’s clean. I think its because of Krithi and Kavin.

I am Gloomy

June 29th, 2009

Today is gloomy and so I am gloomy. I cannot believe how much the weather affects me. When it rains I get manic because I love rain so much. When there is wind or thunder and lightening I have panic attacks from the random noise. Random noises set me off. That includes construction work, fireworks, etc. The sunshine makes me manic. So I have to work to fight all of it and maintain some medium ground.

Krithi & Kavin's Ear Piercing Ceremony

June 28th, 2009

God In My Life

June 27th, 2009
At this point god is not part of my life and I am okay with that. It’s difficult to accept everything else when that is an issue for me. I was raised very religious and it was a horrible experience for me. Life altering really. I’m not prepared to have god in my life. Am I right!

Better, better, better

June 26th, 2009

Well, the medicine is working. We half ed my dose and I am feeling so much better. I am sleeping soundly and I am feeling rested up. I have slowed down which is a great sign. The “bad thoughts” are completely gone. The only real problem right now is feeling exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Small price to pay for being able to stay at home and take care of my family and myself. What a relief.

Two Minute Review : Mayandi Kudumbathar

June 25th, 2009

United Arts' Tamil movie Mayandi Kudumbathar (Mayandi and Family), directed by Rasu Madhuravan grabs your attention right away because its got ten directors acting in it, and a eleventh one at the helm, coordinating their efforts.

You're a bit wary of the plot and its execution, though; it might be a record to have so many directors on board, but this is like a doctor undergoing an operation -- he knows too much to let someone else take the reins.

As it turns out, once you've gotten past the rather irritating voice-over introductions, things aren't that bad: each character is introduced in a steady fashion, giving space to all, starting from Mayandi (Manivannan), his strong and affectionate sons Thavasi (Ponvannan), Virumandi (Seeman), Cheenichamy (Jegannath), and Paraman (Tharun Gopi). His brother Virumandi (G M Kumar) and his sons, Chokkan (Ravi Maria), Chinnu (Nanda Periyasami) are permanently at loggerheads with their cousins, barring Mayandi (Singampuli), who's mentally challenged, but nevertheless likes his uncle very well. Added to the mix is the money-grubbing Sonakkaruppu (Raj Kapoor ), who, with his wife Mayakka (Deepa) -- Mayandi's daughter -- often makes unreasonable demands on them. Still, Mayandi's sons are so good-hearted that they grudge not a penny.

Essentially, this is more a family saga than a plain story: Mayandi's first two sons are already married with wives Thavamani (Poovitha) and Pavunu (Kaniya) who patently dislike the joint-family system and are desperate to move out. In the meantime, there's the widowed Azhagamma (S Priya), Mayandi's widowed sister and her daughter Pecchi (Thamizarasi), living nearby, and who have to be provided for.

It's a happy family more or less; Paraman, the last of the brothers has never known his mother and his affection for his father leads him to emotional outbursts. Romance blooms while he's still in school with the fresh-faced Poongodi (Poongodi), and the two carry on long after college.

In the meantime, there's the happy-go-lucky Cheenichamy who arranges sound systems at fairs, and whose marriage is arranged to Dhanam (Hema). Plenty of good-natured family hilarity ensues, with Virumandi's son Mayandi providing laughs. Virumandi (Seeman) is an activist who spends a good deal of his time parleying for the rights of villagers -- which merits him an introduction song anyway.

But no family can continue in paradise; troubles creep up one by one. The biggest catastrophe strikes when Mayandi dies in a freak accident -- and suddenly, everything and everyone threaten the brothers' love for each other.

Sometimes, there's a strong whiff of Vikaraman's screenplay, especially when Sabesh-Murali pop in with their theme song (the musical duo supposedly said they were moved by Rasu Madhuravan's narration, during which he wept often), at others, you're reminded very strongly of the sentimental sagas of the 60s, when every character had miles of dialogue to cover, and spoke reams about love, loyalty, duty and country.

And yet -- perhaps it's because the actors are directors who are well aware of emotion and just how to bring it onscreen -- their body language and dialogue delivery, no matter how stilted the words, are almost perfect. Their affection onscreen, instead of making you cringe, actually does induce genuine sympathy and understanding.

By the end of it all, you begin to wish that you really had brothers like these who stuck to their convictions, stood by ach other and weathered life's storms. Kudos to the director who managed to get such performances from them. Special mention had to be made of the wives -- they're spot on, and their dialogues are superb.

Where the director could have improved is by getting Suresh Ars to edit out the whole cousins-conflict; it seems superfluous. It's obvious he's been influenced a great deal by Subramaniapuram, Paruthiveeran and others -- practically every scene seems inspired.

If you're a fan of sentimental tear-jerkers shot with a healthy dose of rural life -- this one's your cup of tea.

Strange Times

June 24th, 2009

Strange times, strange thoughts. So much going on for me. Mind being rearranged. Forces I can barely comprehend moving me around. Structures of meaning shown to be fractured and lacking. A night without medication becomes a long journey through ideas and memories. Is it necessary to be angry? Because mostly I am sad.

He Doesn’t Know The Whole Story

June 23rd, 2009

Last night I went to bed thinking about why I avoided speaking to my father for so long. I think another part of the reason that I was hesitant is because he doesn’t know the whole story. He thinks that all of the drama surrounding me is only related to my mental illness. He knows nothing about me. This makes it so much harder to talk to him. I don’t like lying and with out him knowing that I don’t have a choice. My mom told me I should just tell him but I REALLY don’t want to. We’ll see how it plays out.

Before I went to sleep last night I laid on my bed and cried for an hour. I’m not the crying type but lately I can’t help it. I feel like everyday I break in to more and more pieces. I’m falling apart right along side my splintering life. Despite the fact that I have a few amazing people in my life, I feel alone. The most alone I have ever been.

It’s Been Too Long!

June 22nd, 2009

It’s been forever since I have written. I guess I have felt like I shouldn't write about things if they weren’t about Anipra. That’s silly and from here on out, this is not a blog about my struggles with Anipra. She is no longer my struggle and I want this to reflect that. The last few months have been great and they deserve to be remembered for more than the awfulness that preceded them.

Today I don’t have time to write a good entry but I def will start a new sometime on tomorrow!

My Conclusion

June 21st, 2009

I keep trying to write new posts but it isn’t working out for me. I realize that I don’t really have anything worth writing about. There is nothing actively happening in my life. I’m just quietly waiting for this situation to resolve. I think the conclusion that I have come to is that no matter what she decides to do. There is too much hurt, resentment, and anger. I don’t want to have to carry that around with me. She and I both need a fresh start. We have been together since we were just kids. We have become the adults we are because of each other. As much as I have enjoyed much of our time and growth, I need and want to develop outside of her. Who knows, maybe I’ll like the me with out her better.

I was speaking about this situation today and I realized that part of the reason I hate this situation so much is because I have no control over anything. I have been forced in to a situation where all of my options are terrible. When I really look at the situation I don’t even think that I can logically say that I even have two options. It’s unreasonable to think that speaking with her is even viable. I hate that. Since I was about 29 my life has been all set. I will continue my business, marry Anipra, and get a good life. I was happy with that. It’s really hard and terrifying to think that everything I thought my life was going to be has changed. The basis of EVERYTHING is different. I can’t even express how scary that is. I know that I will be ok eventually and I don’t doubt that I will live a happy life but that doesn’t make this any less scary and terrible right now.

My Weakness Wants Me To Forget The Bad And Remember The Good

June 20th, 2009

The farther removed I get from the whole situation with Anipra, the more I am starting to minimize it. Because nothing insanely painful and dramatic has happened in the last few months, my brains automatic reaction is to forget. Forget all of the hurt. Forget all of the anger. Forget all of the lies.

That’s crazy. There is no excuse for that. I have had 13 years worth of experiences that tell me that idealizing the past is dumb, but it’s so easy to do. It’s so easy for me to focus on the good things. Despite everything, Anipra is the single funniest and smartest person I know and I love that about her. The times we would go to temples, parks and cinemas and she would bring something like interesting books and I would look over and see her reading a 200 page book, but because she was simply interested. Or the time she got me a same type of books (which was the best gift ever). Or the many times we laughed until I had an stomach pain. Those are the things that I can’t get out of my head…. and it hurts. It hurts badly. I miss her so intensely it feels like a physical sensation. I hate it. I know that as time goes on it will get less painful but for now it stinks.

Single Or Not

June 19th, 2009

A friend asked me a few days ago if I considered myself single or not. I didn’t have an answer. Like I have said many times in the past, the only thing I can do is walk away. There is no other logical option but it’s hard to say “I am no longer with her.” However, lately I have been actually trying to accept that idea. I feel far more single than I ever have in the past. I have started saying that I am single… and it hurts.

I am having a really terrible time right now. Everyday feels worst than the last. I feel helpless,misguided, and out of control. I don’t think I always realize it but I’m angry with everyone’s inability to understand what I am going through. This is absolutely not their fault, but it is still extremely frustrating. If I have to hear one more person say “you deserve so much better” or “you’ll be okay” I’m going to scream. Telling me I deserve better is not helpful in this situation and telling me I will be ok is just plain unnecessary. I have no doubt that whatever happens I will be fine, that does not however make it any easier for me to suffer through this situation. It’s a little terrifying that I am relating to the way I felt before I cut my arm a few months ago. It’s really hard for me to admit that but there it is. It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. It’s demoralizing.

To My Family

June 18th, 2009

I think that amidst all of the awfulness in my life I have lost sight of the amazing things I have. I have the most amazing mother I could hope for. I don’t thank her nearly enough for being so wonderful.. She is my mother and my best friend. She has sacrificed more than I can even imagine for my dad and me. So mom, I want you to know that I adore you, I love you, and I admire you! I have people in my life who move me. My perima is equally as amazing as the sister she have (my mother). So to her I say, everyday I think about how you would handle things and I make decisions based on that. You are everything I hope to be. I have women in my family who are inspirational. They are strong and powerful and most of all positive. Both have overcome so many obstacles with out becoming jaded or cynical. I admire that. I aspire to that.

I have brothers who would do anything for me. Lately I have not been capable of being the most supportive brother and still, they are there, ready to do whatever it takes to help me get through it.

To all of the people in my life who are wonderful, thank you. Thank you for giving exactly what I need at exactly the right time.

And thank you to those of you who read my blog and send me encouragement. It is great to feel heard. I have spent so much of the last 8 years keeping things hidden that it feels amazing to get it out there and have people actually listen and care. So again, Thank

A Letter To Anipra

June 17th, 2009

This is the first letter that I wrote to Anipra on my birthday(15 /6).

Dear Anipra,

Hi baby! I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure. First of all, I miss you… madly. I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that. I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there. I want you to recover so badly. You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.

I guess the next topic is the important one. I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you. I don’t think that is enough right now. I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me. I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that last time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night. How terrible it is to be 450 miles away. These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me. I’m a broken person. At this point, I have nothing to give. Not to you. Not to anyone else.

I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself. I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that. I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.

Anipra, I love you so much. No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can. I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible. So here it is.

I love you so much.

Sleep

June 16th, 2009

When I don’t get sleep everything feels wrong for the rest of the day. Sleep is often an elusive thing for me. There are many nights that I lay awake and wonder why. Either I am thinking too much or my sleep isn’t deep enough or I am awaken too early by a snore or an alarm. And then there is nothing that I can do about it. That is that. I am up and can’t go back to sleep.

I have found that when I sleep I feel pretty stable, as long as I get around nine hours a night. When I sleep less I get disturbed and when I sleep too long I get depressed, down in the mouth. And if this happens night after night then those moods get worse and worse.

I don’t know the cure. I do know that I take a sleep aid and I work at making sure that I follow a routine and I don’t think that I will ever be able to change the fact that I am a light sleep and always have been. My heavy feather pillow has been the saving grace in it all. I plop it over my exposed ear and I can hardly hear anything. That helps a lot.

So this morning it was the alarm that was snoozed twice and I lay there and kept thinking, “Why don’t you just get up? Or instead, why don’t you set your alarm for later? Either way, quit waking me up when I could still be sleeping.” And so I am awake.

Happy Birthday To Me

June 15th, 2009

I love my birthday..... My family and friends call and tell me they love me - it is always just a perfect day. I get to do whatever I want all day. But without my ANIPRA

Today I am turning over a new leaf - forget the New Years Resolutions - I am going to do Happy Birthday Resolutions. I am stressed out too often about things that really don't matter and I am the one who does it to myself. It is me who must make the change.

1 - Enjoy the day! Be refreshed in my spirit daily - this is what I too often let slide.

* I would like to watch the sunsets every night that I am able.
* I love to have Daily Devotion time, but sometimes I rush through it...slow down
* Everyday exercise for me

2 - Say "no" to too many commitments and say "yes" to loving others

3- I would like to go back to my office, I have about one assignment and I would like to finish it. Then maybe go on to get my business back.

4 - Live in love and light and joy

I have done my daily devotion time and exercised. Today, being Monday I get our home in order which I love to do, , picked up the house, done a cover on my book.

What am I doing the rest of the day.... we like everyone, trying to cut back so we are having a stay at home day. I know it sounds weird but it is quite amazing! Then I hope we can watch a movie and have a nice dinner together.

So Happy Birthday to me

Not Being Anxious

June 14th, 2009

The last few hours have been really wonderful. Anxiety free? No, however I have been in a phase of just being. Not over reacting to stress. Not adding fear to fear. And I must admit it feels great.

I apologize for not updating my blog as much but as I begin to feel better, the less I want to talk about anxiety. And tomorrow is my 29th Birthday. I hope this year will be wonderful as i wish.

Speedy recoveries

June 13th, 2009

Too many people recently have expressed confusion over how I can STILL be ill.

“What, you’re still on medication?”

Unfortunately, people, I am. I wish I was well, too. Instead, I’m not.

Everytime someone asks me this, I wonder too why I’m still ill; too lazy, too stuck? Just everything bad about a person is what I am.Why can’t I get better? Aren’t you trying? Are both some other questions I’ve had. It’s horrible. I’m doubting myself enough as it is. I don’t want to be like this anymore, and quite frankly, although I’m all for openness, maybe not so much if people ask such questions. Or maybe they need to be better educated. All they need to know is that I don’t know what the hell my brain’s doing and I am trying thankyouverymuch.

People don’t understand depression isn’t like a physical illness, like a cold which is gone in a week; your ‘depression’ may have lasted 6 months, may have lasted a week. Using ‘ ‘ isn’t meant to take value off what they were experiencing, but I suspect at times that it isn’t really depression. I just want to be ‘well’…

300 th Post

June 12, 2009

Its my 300 th Post

I can hardly believe that it has happened so fast! What wonderful friends I have made. When I started this I would never have imagined what my blog has brought into my life! Thank you for sharing this ride with me.

Thank you to everyone who reads it and touches base with me.

You can wish me by leaving a lovely comment.

I’ve Been Lazy

June 12th, 2009

I had online chat with the psychologist on Thursday and we both agree that I have become a bit lazy. I’ve been laying back just hoping recovery happens rather than taking an active role in my own recovery. I need structure and feedback so I have developed a personal recovery plan and will be tracking my progress. Here is what it looks like:

Problem: I worry too much about my health
Goal: I will worry less
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute worry sessions per day. Worry will take place between 9:50-10:00 AM and 10:50-11:00 PM. Nothing but worrying thoughts can be included in worry session.

Problem: Worry has created a tense and on-edge body
Goal: I will return to a relaxed state of wellness
Plan: Schedule 2-10 Minute meditation/relaxation sessions per day. AM/PM

Problem: I have lost faith in the strength of my body
Goal: I will become physically fit
Plan: 15 minutes of cardio (walking, running, etc.) 6 times per week; want to purchase a treadmill till that i will go to gym; weight lifting 3 times per week

Problem: I have lost faith in my bodies ability to heal
Goal: Provide a supple body that will heal itself
Plan: AM/PM Yoga everyday

Problem: Anxiety is created by a fear of passing out/dying in public
Goal: Gradually increase the amount of time I spent away from the house
Plan: Develop a log to track when, where, and for how long I am away from home.

Updated Medicine Glossary

June 11th, 2009

Updated glossary of medications I will mention in this blog.

Mornings

Silybon, 140mg 1 (Supportive treatment for liver disease)
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1 (for the treatment of acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder)
Oleanz plus 1 (Drowsiness, weight gain, increased appetite, dizziness, constipation, dry mouth, raised liver enzymes)
Becozinc 1 cap (B-complex)

Evenings

Silybon, 140mg 1
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1
Tancodep, 25 mg, 1 (Anixety depression syndrome, neurotic or reactive depression, agitation associated with depression)
Oleanz plus 1
Mirtaz, 15 mg 1 (Drowsiness, dizziness, sleepiness, nausea, dry mouth & Mirtazapine is prescribed for the treatment of major depression. Generic Remeron (Mirtazapine) is thought to work by adjusting the balance of the brain's natural chemical messengers, especially norepinephrine and serotonin)

Don’t Hope For Overnight Miracles

June 10th, 2009

For the longest time, and to be honest I still do this to one degree or another, I would go to bed each night hoping and praying that when I awoke in the morning I would magically be changed into the person I want to be, free of anxiety. Obviously this miracle never happened and I believe that this thought process has helped to keep me in the anxiety cycle. The cycle looks a little something like this:

1. Suffer from anxiety all day.
2. Go to bed hoping that during the night I will be healed.
3. Wake up asking how I feel.
4. The first anxiety symptom in the morning confirms I am not healed.
5. Drop deeper into anxiety & depression.
6. Go to bed……

Cognitive Distortions

June 9th, 2009

The cognitive distortions that seem to be most present in my negative thoughts are:

* Over-generalization: Viewing a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat — “This always happens!”
* All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing things in absolute, black and white categories.
* Jumping to Conclusions: The tendency to jump to conclusions not warranted by the facts.
* Discounting the Positive: Insisting that your positive qualities don’t count.

Good Days & Bad

June 8th, 2009

It seems that when I have those great days where I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, they are so often followed up with days of hopelessness and despair. It is in these moments that the balance of life is so fragile, it would be so easy to just give in and fall. When I am like this my mind tells me “just stay in bed, what do you think you will accomplish today? If I choose A or B, both are wrong and nothing will really ever change.”

Right now I have several things going on that I think add to this sense of hopelessness. In the near future, I will be forced to make several decisions about my future employment. I am also helping a friend deal with a particularly stressful time. And I face the daily battle of making the choice to do or avoid — do I go to my sister Revathi's function or do I stay home?

When the perfect storm of elements come together, I slip into a state of what I call “The Weirdness”. This state can be best described as living in a waking dream state. I’m so focused inward, that the outside world starts to look foreign and surreal. This state scares me. I guess clinically it would be called Depersonalization, although this is not a constant state and I have never been diagnosed as having this disorder.

Back when I would spend the majority of my day searching the Internet for information, I came across a trailer for a movie called Numb that does a great job visualizing what this state of “Weirdness” is like.

From The Inside Looking In

June 7th, 2009

I like to believe that I am making progress, that I am getting better, that I am recovering from this illness. However at times, I find it very hard to believe. I like to think that I’m getting better but maybe I am just fooling myself, telling myself what I want to hear, what I want to believe. It’s so hard to see the progress I’ve made as I’m so caught up with being inside myself, always examining myself.

Perhaps I am fooling myself, perhaps I am telling myself what I want to believe but maybe that is ok, for without hope, what do we have?

You Can’t Shut Off the World

June 6th, 2009

I have concluded that if I could shut off the outside world 50% of my problems would be solved, the other 50% would be solved if I could shut off the world inside my mind but then what am I left with, nothing more than the thing I fear the most.

My mind is very susceptible to outside stimuli, I can’t shut it off, I can take steps to avoid particularly bad influences on me but I can’t shut out everything, so part of recovery must be retraining my mind how to respond to outside stimuli.

Negative Reinforcement

June 5th, 2009

Yesterday, if is wasn’t already totally apparent, it was pointed out to me that my thoughts are constantly negative and that these negative thoughts can make me physically ill in a mater of minutes, sometimes even seconds. Rather than always focusing on the negative I was told:

* My illness is real
* Be happy
* Be healthy
* Be strong
* Be positive
* Be grateful

It was kind of like a slap in the face, one I needed to snap me out of it. So I thought, I’m going to put a heavy rubber band on my wrist and every time an unhealthy thought pops into my head, I’m going to snap that rubber band, snap it hard enough to leave a mark on my skin. So thats what I did. Last night as a negative thought entered my head, I would snap the rubber band and quickly snap my mind out of that track and rephrase my negative thought. I know its only short term but I feel great, it was so wonderful to have the chance to rest for just a brief moment and as one of my friends told me “that’s how it can be long term though, you moved yourself out of it, that’s what being present is.”

An example of how this works. Last night, as I was dragging myself around the house, the thought popped into my mind “why are you so tired?”. I snapped the rubber band hard, making my eyes water and I said to myself “why are you so tired? well, you got up early, had your breakfast, had your lunch, worked out all day, had dinner and went to bed, is it any wonder you are a bit tired? Go relax.” So I did.

Think Healthy.

What I Talk About

June 4th, 2009

Today I meet with my psychologist and I told him that after reading back through my journal, the word “Accept” seemed to come up the most. I decided to do a word cloud of the most popular words found in my posts, looks like I was way off, its ANXIETY….imagine that :)

Exercising Body & Mind

June 3rd, 2009

This morning I woke up early and took a 2 mile run. There is something magical about the early morning. The air felt cool, crisp, and clean. The world was quiet. I could hear the songs of birds. I would sense the rustling of the wind. Everything was pure.

Call it anxiety. Call it chronic stress. Name it whatever you wish but what we are all dealing with is a break down of body & mind. A vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of body reacting to mind and mind reacting to body. To heal, we must give proper attention to both body and mind.

* Running daily. Goal 5 kms a day. Current 2 kms.
* Daily yoga to improve balance, coordination, and breathing while reducing muscle tension
and increasing awareness.
* Less Computer and more reading.
* Daily 20 minute meditation.

A reminder to myself. Lasting and life transforming change takes time. Change will come in small doses, don’t wake up thinking that over night big changes will occur. Keep the focus and know that in time, positive change will continue to come.

Two Minute Review : Mulum Malarum

June 3rd, 2009

Rajinikanth was 28 then and perhaps the rough role he was playing in Mullum Malarum reflected well his violent personality of those days.

When Rajinikanth’s character Kali tells the engineer (Sarat Babu), Rendu kai, rendu kaal ponakuda, kali angarava polachikava, sir. Ketta payan sir, avan, we empathize with Kali as we never have with any of Rajini’s other characters with the exception perhaps of the writer in Aarilinthu aravathu varai.

The stars were all perfectly aligned in Mullum Malarum - stellar performances by Rajini and Shoba ably supported by Fatafut Jayalakshmi and somewhat by Sarat Babu (a bit stiff though), a moving story, solid screenplay, fabulous songs and an able hand at the rudder contributed to the movie’s phenomenal success.

More than Rajini, more than Shoba, more than Fatafut Jayalakshmi and more than Illayaraja, Mullum Malarum director J.Mahendran deserves kudos for crafting such a beautiful movie.

Set in a small village in the Annamalai Hills, the story revolves around a gruff character Kali (Rajinikanth), working as a winch operator in the area, and his sister Vali (Shoba).

Two events herald changes in the placid lives of the brother and sister, but more so in the case of Kali - the arrival of a new engineer (Sarat Babu), who also happens to be Kali’s boss; and the arrival of an old lady and her feisty and gluttonous daughter Manga (Fatafut Jayalakshmi).

While Jayalakshmi was a prettier lass, Shoba was a far superior actress and threw in a non pareil performance (by Tamil movie standards). Among the youngsters, Sandhya of dailamo, dailamo fame reminds us of Shoba.

Another interesting feature of Mullum Malarum is that romance does not hog the screen-time. Love or romance is but one element of the myriad facets of life, not the raison d’être as the brainless twits of Bollywood and Kollywood would make it seem. There’s ego, there’s greed, there’s anger, there’s frustration, there’s revenge, there’s envy and so many other human emotions that never get adequate play in Bollywood and Kollywood movies because love leaves no room for anything else.

Mullum Malarum dares to be different. Anger, more than love, is the leitmotif of this charmer. What a relief that love plays second fiddle to other emotions, for once.

Music is another highlight of Mullum Malaram.

Who having heard it once can ever forget the maestro Illayaraja’s hauntingly beautiful music for songs like Senthaazham Poovil, Adi Pennae or Niththam Niththam Nellu.

Dear Anxiety

June 2nd, 2009

Dear Anxiety,

I’m terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter, this will make us both a lot better off, well me at least. Listen, it’s not you, it’s me. I just am incapable of loving you anymore and I think this is best, for both of us. This note will be the last memory you’ll ever have of me, I’m bouncing and not looking back. Don’t let it get you all upset inside, I always liked your friends Hope and Optimism more. It is because of your history of poor advice and lack of concern for anyone but yourself that kept me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you.

You’d be much better off finding a person that can deal with the annoying way you never stopped talking about all the drama in your life and how things would be so much better if we just became hermits together. I might miss certain things about you such as your ability to make me see what is really important in life — it surly isn’t money or a job or clothes.

I’m glad this is done and we’re going separate directions for good. I think you’ll find someone who can console with you, who will be willing to be always down in the dumps, and someone who thinks your dark ways are charming but sorry baby, that just isn’t me.

I hope things work out for you but please don’t write or call, I have no interest in seeing or hearing from you anymore. And I’m sorry if i ruined your life, Anxiety, because that is exactly what I set out to do!

Good riddance,

Prabhu

Pushing It Too Hard?

June 1st, 2009

I don’t know if I pushed it too hard yesterday or not but today I have more free floating anxiety than normal. It just feels like it is going to be a rough day. I’m struggling to be able to think positively. I know that if I could just shift my state of mind, today would be fine but I just have this fear that I won’t be able to stop the negative thoughts today.

Even after all of these experiences I have gone through, I am still amazed at how powerful thoughts are. Simple thoughts can make me feel like I am on the verge of dying or make me feel like I am unstoppable. How can one minute I be in bed, unable to move, thinking I’m dying, and the next be riding my bike 5 miles?

I need to find a support person today to help me stay positive, today can either be really productive or can be the start of a set back.