October 16th, 2008
I cried a lot. A lot. I would cry getting ready for work,
On the way to work, when I got to work….. you get the
Idea. When I cried, I cried for my dad & mom. I kept saying,
‘I miss you dad ! I miss you mom !’
Undoubtedly I did; but I was also crying for the safety of my
Childhood, when I was happy, and when parents could fix everything.
I lost my mind. I would start a sentence and get confused,
And forget what I had begun to say. I would walk around the
House aimlessly, not remembering what I was searching for.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t read books;
they confused me too much.I felt physically sick
In my stomach. This was the anxiety manifesting itself.
I would be driving, and lose chunks of time/space.
I would ‘wake up’ on the highway, not knowing
How I’d got to where I was. (And half the
Time, not remembering where I was going.)
I lost my confidence. I started asking me, ‘Do you love me?’
Because I couldn’t understand how anybody could
Possibly love such a walking disaster.
I lost my ability to feel. When I was at my worst, suicide was
A decent option, and I didn’t feel anything - not love,
Not hate, not concern, not anything. I was numb.
I couldn’t work. On the days I did make it to the office,
I would spend the whole time shifting papers around my desk,
Hoping nobody would notice I wasn’t doing anything substantial.
I just couldn’t concentrate long enough to accomplish anything.
My idea of recreation was sleeping.
My personal hygiene suffered. I would go days without
Having a shower or brushing my teeth. The thought of
Washing my hair was overwhelming; at one point
I went a month without washing it.
(To give you an idea, I normally shower twice a day.)
On the rare occasions I did see my relatives,
I couldn’t follow the general conversation.
It went too quickly, and my brain just heard noise;
It didn’t translate.I would sit there, smiling or
Looking sombre, depending on what
I saw on my relatives’ faces, so they wouldn’t guess
I didn’t understand what was being said.
I forgot words. When I was trying to speak,
I wouldn’t be able to remember the right words for things.
This led to a lot of discussions with all along the lines of,
‘Um, don’t forget the thing you need for um, later, you know,
When you um, you know what I mean……’, followed by tears
Of frustration. I walked around in a permanent fog,
That prevented me from feeling or absorbing things.
I had no motivation to do anything at all. When I wasn’t working,
On bad days, I would lie on the bed, mind blank.
