April 6th, 2009
After I had written yesterday's post and published it, I noticed an error in it so I decided to edit it. There's nothing unusual in that because even though I read through each post a couple of times the odd error still slips thorough. Anyway I corrected it, but while I was going through the process I noticed that it was the 249Th post on my blog. I have written more, but a number never got published; so my next post was going to be number 250. Well, I had to make sure that it was something memorable.
I have spent most of the day puzzling over what I could write and I have not thought of anything that is either memorable or earth-shatteringly interesting. I’ll just record a few unconnected thoughts for posterity.
Many Things About Me
I often fear I’m going to die before I accomplish everything I want to do. I don’t want to die without leaving a mark. And the little scratch I made in a tree when I was 13 doesn’t count.
I do like the person I am and what I’m becoming. It is a great help to like yourself. It is a good feeling, and a good tool to deal with adversity. I can appreciate it now because it’s not always been this way. My self esteem is not too great most of the time. I’ve hated myself. I’ve disliked myself deeply and for a long time.
I probably only like myself now because I haven’t been around other people in a while. Know the phrase “I only like me when I’m alone”?. Nevertheless, I think this perception is more accurate than the one I get when I’m around other people, as the latter is a result of social anxiety and lack of assertiveness in many situations that trigger automatic thoughts of self loathing.
I often find myself doing wishful thinking about what my life would be if I could live abroad. And feel frustrated at the fact that I can’t do it now. It drives me nuts the possibility of dying after only knowing a teeny tiny portion of the planet.
However, I also fear to make my dream come true in case I screw up. But it’s also true that there are lots of places to go.
My ethnicity is not a big part of my identity now, but it might be when I live somewhere else.
My looks don’t really worry me much most of the time. I’m glad my brain is not obsessing about that.
I usually think that if I don’t write down my thoughts, I will forget them. I have a terrible memory. I’ve read some of my old posts without recognizing what I was thinking at the time.
I wish I was a better writer, because I dislike not being able to present my thoughts in a reliable way. It’s very possible that the things I remember about my life and myself are not very reliable. I can remember the retelling of a story, but with each retelling the story changes shape until there’s only a vague idea of what the original thought was. It drives me nuts.
Memories are often linked with emotions. I suspect I lack some connection between my cerebral cortex and my limbic system, so for any given memory I try to keep, I’ll remember more facts than what the memory is actually supposed to evoke.
I’m like a moth to a flame with smart people. I have low tolerance for ignorance, and sometimes that makes me act like a stupid.
I fear that because I suffer from depression, the people I care about feel inhibited when they are going through hard times. Just because I’m not doing well at any given time does’t mean I think other people’s problems are less important.
In 2008, for the first time I was in jail for 11 days because of a false case and pictured as an accust. I must have been sick at the time.
I don’t think I’m going to work as a programmer. It’s not only because it’s hard but because I don’t want to. I still want to graduate to get some closure and open some doors in the world of opportunities.
One day I’d like to: Buy an Euroair ticket and everything else I would need for an Eurotrip; do the eurotrip; do skydiving; visit the Great Barrier Reef and scuba dive.
I would like to learn to speak french, to dust off my math-related brain synapses, and to learn some physics. For now.
I would like to sing Karaoke. I always picture myself singing my favorite songs in front of lots of people.
If I had the chance to go to the space, I’d be very afraid of leaving the planet. At least without seeing most of it. I’m very fond of the Earth.
I don’t like to feel the sun on my skin. I’m always thinking “Cell damage! Cell damage! DNA breaking! Ahhh!”
I have a very dirty mind and I like it.
I absolutely despise cowfighting. Everybody cheers when the bull gets stabbed but it’s a big tragedy if the cow fights back and hurts the human.
I have never seen snow, and I’m currently very jealous of all the people who are enjoying it.
I like water, I am good at swimming. But I am not fit enough. I may drown by getting tired. I always say I’m going to correct that…
