Finding Normal

February 13th, 2009

I have always had behavior that is odd. When I was little I was a loner. Oftentimes I would go off by myself and find solace by a tree, in a closet, or behind the bed. Under the sink and the dryer were also places I would go. I had to be by myself everyday. If I did not have this alone time I would become irritable. I was never the easiest person to get along with. Even in high school, I would go off by myself for hours. When I could drive it became rather easy. My family always explained it as my behavior as shy and anti-social.

Then without equality, I would become the life of the party. When I was little, my mom never could trust me at parties. Oftentimes, I talked incessantly and blurted out strange revelations. As a teenager, I would drink to much and do some really stupid things. Yet, I always had a handle on myself.

Finally, the ability to keep control of myself deteriorated in early adulthood. I came to the realization I hated myself. I began to not eat, not leave the house, and not talk to anyone. My family, then began to say my behavior was far from normal. I would ask myself, “What really is normal?” Through therapy, I began to learn about my different poles of behavior and slowly I began to have a clearer picture of “normal.”

There are periods of normalcy in my life now. Knowing how to judge my behavior, understand my feelings, accept and make changes, all have increased the consideration of my normalcy. As I grow, I hope the normalcy will stretch itself out longer giving me a larger feeling of well-being. I still ask myself, my family, and my therapist, “Is this normal?” I realize the path to periods of normalcy is started in the asking.