Paint by numbers

December 8th, 2009

My mood has lifted a little and I am beginning to “take pleasure in everyday things” as my psychiatrist asks every visit. I still however, have a hard time “getting out” especially in a crowd. I do go out. Going out is better and I feel safe in my little area of my community. Now I mainly go out, come home, and sit quietly surfing internet.

My therapist wants me to slowly adapt back to a “more normal life socially.” I know that lack of social support could lead me backwards instead of forward. Little by little I can rejoin the human race. I went out to eat with family this past weekend. I attended a marriage party(my brothers). I made it to temple, finally. I’m not ready for a concert or a mall full of people, but I am feeling more like interacting with people.

When I was first diagnosed, the therapist wanted me to have a hobby to focus on. I have never been good with hobbies. I had my brother take me to the store for some ideas. I grew frustrated and wanted to just leave, when he picked up a “paint by numbers” kit. We paid for it and took it home. I knew he would nag me to start, so I began immediately. It helped. It was the ugliest paint by number ever created but, a beautiful piece of artwork was not the goal. I needed a detour from my anxiety and the painting provided that for me.

Now I have my writing. It has been so hard to write lately. I find it slowly returning. The creativity is not there. The language and voice is still dormant. The goal however is not for me to write an award winning story, it is to provide relief from the ravages of anxiety.

So here I am, it is not where I want to be, but I am much closer.