Confusion, fears and stuff.

December 27th, 2009

It’s been a while, and I am not sure in what kind of mood I am.  Seems to me like I’m riding an ascending mood curve, which is good.  I have even started to feel things like confusion, sadness and boredom, which is normal. Not depression-like, and that makes me happy.

Confusion: I’m aware that I sort of promised myself I would not think of the future, but sometimes it can’t be helped.  I don’t live in a big room where time doesn’t pass.  I have parents, family and friends who remind me all the time of how stuck I am, and force me to think and decide.

But I still can’t figure it out.  I know lots of stuff about a billion of things, but at the same time I am no expert in anything.  I read for pleasure, and I only care about knowing things for the sake of knowing them, not because I want to use the knowledge for something in particular.  While I like this about me, I am aware of how impractical this is. I think I often see my life as though as it was a rehearsal life, like none of this was real.  One day I’ll get a real life, and then I’ll use things that I have learned to get stuff done. But I’m aware that’s not the way things function…

And I am lecturing myself on why am I rambling about this instead of getting something done.  Never ending cycle.

Sadness: Why? My 86 yo grandmother was dead last week.  She had excellent sharp mind, but I saw her falling down…

Well, she always showed signs of being close to death. I don’t think I can handle something like that happened right now… or, ever. I’m terrified of it.   And seeing her usual sharp mind compromised was… indescribable..

How do you fight fear? facing it? then it means I either have to wait until someone dies, or be scared of it all the time?

Boredom: I had plans for the weekend, but we’re all broke.

And I’m VERY hungry…