December 27th, 2009
It’s been a while, and I am not sure in what kind of mood I am. Seems to me like I’m riding an ascending mood curve, which is good. I have even started to feel things like confusion, sadness and boredom, which is normal. Not depression-like, and that makes me happy.
Confusion: I’m aware that I sort of promised myself I would not think of the future, but sometimes it can’t be helped. I don’t live in a big room where time doesn’t pass. I have parents, family and friends who remind me all the time of how stuck I am, and force me to think and decide.
But I still can’t figure it out. I know lots of stuff about a billion of things, but at the same time I am no expert in anything. I read for pleasure, and I only care about knowing things for the sake of knowing them, not because I want to use the knowledge for something in particular. While I like this about me, I am aware of how impractical this is. I think I often see my life as though as it was a rehearsal life, like none of this was real. One day I’ll get a real life, and then I’ll use things that I have learned to get stuff done. But I’m aware that’s not the way things function…
And I am lecturing myself on why am I rambling about this instead of getting something done. Never ending cycle.
Sadness: Why? My 86 yo grandmother was dead last week. She had excellent sharp mind, but I saw her falling down…
Well, she always showed signs of being close to death. I don’t think I can handle something like that happened right now… or, ever. I’m terrified of it. And seeing her usual sharp mind compromised was… indescribable..
How do you fight fear? facing it? then it means I either have to wait until someone dies, or be scared of it all the time?
Boredom: I had plans for the weekend, but we’re all broke.
And I’m VERY hungry…
Pray For Me Brother lyrics
December 26th, 2009
Pray for me brother
Pray for me brother
Pray for me sister
Are you searchin’….
Pray for me brother
Lookin’ for the answers To all the questions In my life
Will I be alone Will you be there By my side
Is it something he said Is it something he did
I wonder why He is searchin’ For the answers
To stay alive
Could you ever listen Could you ever care
To speak your mind
Only for a minute For only one moment
In time
The joy is around us But show me the love
That we must find
Are you searchin’ For a reason to be kind, to be kind…
He said… Pray for me brother
Pray for me brother Pray for me sister
Pray for me brother Say
what you wanna say now
But keep your hearts open
Be what you wanna be now
Let’s heal the confusion
Pray for me brother
Don’t let me take When you don’t wanna give
Don’t be afraid Just let me live
Don’t let me take When you don’t wanna give
Don’t be afraid Say what you wanna say now
But keep your hearts open
Be what you wanna be now Let’s heal the confusion
Pray for me brother Pray for me brother
I’m ashamed ah, brother be dying of poverty
when he down on his knees its only then he prays
And it’s a shame ah, brother be dying of ignorance
cos the world is a trip and everybody’s a hypocrite
Need to stop ah , taking a look at the other
I’m not ashamed of poverty
need to be making his life better
So think about it, think about it once more
cos life is a blessing and it’s not justa show, ah
Round and round the world is spinning around
We need to be singing a prayer, we need to be singing it now
Round and round the world is turning around
We need to be singing a prayer, we need to be singing it now
Need to be feeling the power, need to be feeling the faith
We need to coming together just to win this race
Need to be feeling the power, need to be feeling the faith
We need to coming together just to win this race (twice)
Are you searching for a reason to be kind ?
Pray for me brother
Pray for me brother
Pray for me sister
Are you searchin’….
Pray for me brother
Lookin’ for the answers To all the questions In my life
Will I be alone Will you be there By my side
Is it something he said Is it something he did
I wonder why He is searchin’ For the answers
To stay alive
Could you ever listen Could you ever care
To speak your mind
Only for a minute For only one moment
In time
The joy is around us But show me the love
That we must find
Are you searchin’ For a reason to be kind, to be kind…
He said… Pray for me brother
Pray for me brother Pray for me sister
Pray for me brother Say
what you wanna say now
But keep your hearts open
Be what you wanna be now
Let’s heal the confusion
Pray for me brother
Don’t let me take When you don’t wanna give
Don’t be afraid Just let me live
Don’t let me take When you don’t wanna give
Don’t be afraid Say what you wanna say now
But keep your hearts open
Be what you wanna be now Let’s heal the confusion
Pray for me brother Pray for me brother
I’m ashamed ah, brother be dying of poverty
when he down on his knees its only then he prays
And it’s a shame ah, brother be dying of ignorance
cos the world is a trip and everybody’s a hypocrite
Need to stop ah , taking a look at the other
I’m not ashamed of poverty
need to be making his life better
So think about it, think about it once more
cos life is a blessing and it’s not justa show, ah
Round and round the world is spinning around
We need to be singing a prayer, we need to be singing it now
Round and round the world is turning around
We need to be singing a prayer, we need to be singing it now
Need to be feeling the power, need to be feeling the faith
We need to coming together just to win this race
Need to be feeling the power, need to be feeling the faith
We need to coming together just to win this race (twice)
Are you searching for a reason to be kind ?
I know
December 26th, 2009
The blog sucks lately. I have like 9 drafts with random crap. I can’t keep my focus long enough to even read the blogs I used to lose myself into (sorry).
What I have been doing:
Sleeping a lot in the day.
Doing very short term tasks like running a couple of errands every now and then, nothing compromising.
Avoiding my own conscience.
Avoiding showing my concerns because that’d make people start talking about things that will bring out my conscience.
Avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. Go away conscience.
Being online a lot talking to one or two really cool people.
Not taking medication which results in weird moods (I’m crying and 30 mins later I’m laughing for no reason), I act strange, the medication kept my sex drive at zero so now that I’m off it I’m like in the opposite side. (sorry, too much information); my sleeping patterns are insane (it’s 9pm - 8 am I haven’t slept a bit).
Not being that good at avoiding own conscience.
Learning how to memorize a 26 digit number successfully, then becoming able to get the cube root of any number using that number. No not that impressive, it was a you tube video. It’s an easy task actually.
Having fun and laughing a lot.
Daydreaming just too much.
Dying my hair blonde but didn’t pick up so I’m still a brunette.
Thinking how cool it is that my eyes are made of chocolate.
Watching the dark knight for the fifth time.
Not caring much about grammar (clearly).
Being a time bomb machine ready to explode and disassemble my brain every time a serious situation arises.
Reading short stories that I print out.
Eating chicken a lot (and that’s all the healthy food I eat)
Being really bad at avoiding over-thinking brain.
Making posts that will make people unconfortable when they read them.
That’s pretty much it… yeah.
The blog sucks lately. I have like 9 drafts with random crap. I can’t keep my focus long enough to even read the blogs I used to lose myself into (sorry).
What I have been doing:
Sleeping a lot in the day.
Doing very short term tasks like running a couple of errands every now and then, nothing compromising.
Avoiding my own conscience.
Avoiding showing my concerns because that’d make people start talking about things that will bring out my conscience.
Avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. Go away conscience.
Being online a lot talking to one or two really cool people.
Not taking medication which results in weird moods (I’m crying and 30 mins later I’m laughing for no reason), I act strange, the medication kept my sex drive at zero so now that I’m off it I’m like in the opposite side. (sorry, too much information); my sleeping patterns are insane (it’s 9pm - 8 am I haven’t slept a bit).
Not being that good at avoiding own conscience.
Learning how to memorize a 26 digit number successfully, then becoming able to get the cube root of any number using that number. No not that impressive, it was a you tube video. It’s an easy task actually.
Having fun and laughing a lot.
Daydreaming just too much.
Dying my hair blonde but didn’t pick up so I’m still a brunette.
Thinking how cool it is that my eyes are made of chocolate.
Watching the dark knight for the fifth time.
Not caring much about grammar (clearly).
Being a time bomb machine ready to explode and disassemble my brain every time a serious situation arises.
Reading short stories that I print out.
Eating chicken a lot (and that’s all the healthy food I eat)
Being really bad at avoiding over-thinking brain.
Making posts that will make people unconfortable when they read them.
That’s pretty much it… yeah.
How's Your Attention Span?
December 24th, 2009
Your Attention Span is Long
You can concentrate well, and your mind doesn't stray easily.
Even if you have a mundane task to complete, you can get it done easily.
Because you don't get distracted, you accomplish more than most people.
Your self discipline is your greatest strength.
You can will yourself to do almost anything. All you have to do is put your mind to it.
Your birthdate is important to this world. Find out why!
What Dish Are You?
December 24th, 2009
You are Spaghetti with Meatballs
Compared to most people, you are very family focused.You are social, but you tend to mostly socialize with those you are already close to.
You love to bond with your friends. Sharing time together is very important to you.
You are trustworthy and responsible. You like your friends knowing that they can count on you.
Eat at fancy restaurants on a fast food budget. Find out how!
Avoider
December 23rd, 2009
Something is not right about the way I handle things. I don’t handle things, I run away from them, as far as I can, until they build up with other things I didn’t handle and they end up smashing me. It seems to me now, that everytime I have to face something serious, I burst in anxiety attacks, I collapse my brain, numb my senses and stop thinking. Whatever helps me to do that, it’s welcome, even if it’s bad for me in the long run. The point of it all it’s to stop thinking, put my brain in a coma and hope that whatever it’s wrong goes away. After the anxiety attack is over, I try my best not to think about what triggered it in the first place, so once again, I avoid discussing the issue in my mind, and everything goes back into apparent calm. In this situation I’m the best at compartmentalizing, and pretend nothing is wrong, and whine about things like the weather and the mean people instead.
I’m feeling like I’m the weakest person in the world. I see how I’m falling apart just because I have to do something other people prove in many areas. I don’t understand how they do it. I guess it’s not so hard for them. Maybe I am indeed weaker than them. But, why do I have to prove I’m not? What am I trying to prove and to who? What will I get if I finish it? There’s nothing I want waiting for me there. It is not my dream to be a rich man, it never has been. But most adults are stuck doing things they don’t want to do and they still hold themselves together. Why do they? I don’t think it’s something to be proud of, I think they’re just avoiders like me. I don’t think you’re strong just for holding on in a bad situation. I think it’s natural to be able to resist anything, just standing there. Anyone can do that. It’s the nature of living organisms. I think strong would be to take a chance outside the safety zone, because that part is much harder, and much more scary. I admire anyone who has been able to do that.
Right now I don’t feel I’m strong minded enough to even stand up, and I feel like I’m broken, I have the urge to just lie down, somewhere waiting for the bad feelings to fade. And it would happen. But I have to do a thousand of things everyday, I have to make a decision now if I don’t want to waste my 2 hours of sleep per day, to either use my compartmentalization powers again, snap out of it and keep resisting, or …otherwise. But I guess I will just put off the issue for another day and just go by the default option.
Something is not right about the way I handle things. I don’t handle things, I run away from them, as far as I can, until they build up with other things I didn’t handle and they end up smashing me. It seems to me now, that everytime I have to face something serious, I burst in anxiety attacks, I collapse my brain, numb my senses and stop thinking. Whatever helps me to do that, it’s welcome, even if it’s bad for me in the long run. The point of it all it’s to stop thinking, put my brain in a coma and hope that whatever it’s wrong goes away. After the anxiety attack is over, I try my best not to think about what triggered it in the first place, so once again, I avoid discussing the issue in my mind, and everything goes back into apparent calm. In this situation I’m the best at compartmentalizing, and pretend nothing is wrong, and whine about things like the weather and the mean people instead.
I’m feeling like I’m the weakest person in the world. I see how I’m falling apart just because I have to do something other people prove in many areas. I don’t understand how they do it. I guess it’s not so hard for them. Maybe I am indeed weaker than them. But, why do I have to prove I’m not? What am I trying to prove and to who? What will I get if I finish it? There’s nothing I want waiting for me there. It is not my dream to be a rich man, it never has been. But most adults are stuck doing things they don’t want to do and they still hold themselves together. Why do they? I don’t think it’s something to be proud of, I think they’re just avoiders like me. I don’t think you’re strong just for holding on in a bad situation. I think it’s natural to be able to resist anything, just standing there. Anyone can do that. It’s the nature of living organisms. I think strong would be to take a chance outside the safety zone, because that part is much harder, and much more scary. I admire anyone who has been able to do that.
Right now I don’t feel I’m strong minded enough to even stand up, and I feel like I’m broken, I have the urge to just lie down, somewhere waiting for the bad feelings to fade. And it would happen. But I have to do a thousand of things everyday, I have to make a decision now if I don’t want to waste my 2 hours of sleep per day, to either use my compartmentalization powers again, snap out of it and keep resisting, or …otherwise. But I guess I will just put off the issue for another day and just go by the default option.
My Grandma passed away today
December 23rd, 2009
My Grandmother passed away this evening
And I've lost one of the most important people in my life.
And I feel broken.
Maybe part of me thought she wouldn't die.
Couldn't die.
She was always a little more than human to me.
But I suppose she was mortal, like the rest of us, after all.
And maybe that's a beautiful thing.
She was a soft woman, to the very end.
With the best kind of affections.
Her strength and her compassion were so connected, there was no separating them.
She loved her family with all her heart.
And she made us feel special.
She made me feel special.
I went to her room every day night when she was in Pollachi.
But now she has a new home, in a place I can't visit.
Someday, though, I'll find my way there.
Because no matter how much I love life, I won't live forever.
And maybe that's a beautiful thing, too.
WE MISS YOU Patti!
Stop, breathe and start over.
December 22nd, 2009
I woke up today a bit disturbed after remembering the way things turned out. But things are alright. I fixed things. People helped me fix things so my insane anxious depressive episodes wouldn’t ruin my life for no real reason. I can’t say I’ll never be messy again because I probably will, but the storm has calmed for now. I have a lot of things to think about, but I just will not make any big decision based on the withdrawal of whatever makes my brain sane. Not while I’m sane at least… um…
Mood Curve
I know the big messy thing that happened to the curve below the critical point is bad, but I’m more concerned about the “normal life” tendency. I need to change that somehow. Right now I’m like a cold blooded animal. If I want to be warm, I need to be exposed to something warm, the moment warm goes away I get cold immediately. I want to be a warm blooded animal. I want stability. I want to remain warm even when things go cold.
I woke up today a bit disturbed after remembering the way things turned out. But things are alright. I fixed things. People helped me fix things so my insane anxious depressive episodes wouldn’t ruin my life for no real reason. I can’t say I’ll never be messy again because I probably will, but the storm has calmed for now. I have a lot of things to think about, but I just will not make any big decision based on the withdrawal of whatever makes my brain sane. Not while I’m sane at least… um…
Mood Curve
Intrusive thought
December 22nd, 2009
“I try but I’m completely convinced that I will fail. I cannot do this. It’s only a matter of time before everybody notices and sees how much of a failure I am. I’ve been so lucky and given so many opportunities I don’t deserve more.”
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
ad infinitum.
“I try but I’m completely convinced that I will fail. I cannot do this. It’s only a matter of time before everybody notices and sees how much of a failure I am. I’ve been so lucky and given so many opportunities I don’t deserve more.”
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
repeat
ad infinitum.
PSYCHOTIC
December 21st, 2009
Loved this quiz-bulleting from myspace because it was so fun to answer! So I’m going to keep it.
Psychoanalyze Yourself. Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!)
1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. who is with you?
Someone with no face. A girl.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
Some sort of miniature pink elephant. (*shrugs* it said first thing that comes to mind)
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I pet it.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. Describe it.
When it says house deep in the woods I can not think of anything else with my mum, perima, krithi, kavin and charan and of course Anipra.The house is filled with Karthigai Deepam(full of lights) (again, not the ideal house for me, just the first thought in my mind)
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
Nope. It has lots of flowers and fruit trees, maybe they used them as a fence someday but someone started eating them so now there are only a few.
6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
There are some apples,rice,chicken,fish. The table has no tablescloth. Around there are no chairs… weird.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
Pink porcelain.
8. What do you do with the cup?
I accidentally kick it and it breaks.
9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?
A small crystalline lake.
10. How will you cross the water?
I take a swim.
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
Oh i love my girl with no face…
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life. Dude! it was a miniature elephant! Hahahah, elephants are huge, and this one was a miniature elephant… Hahhaha what does that mean…
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
I pet my problems… wtf.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
My ambition glows like light. m mm!.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.
flowers & fruits semi-fence, very open, whoever needs to come can just eat all fruits. Yay! …Although in real life my fence is more like high and made of concrete.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
Apples, Rice, Chicken, Fish! I can’t eat apples and chicken because my braces break, so that’s sort of no food for me. But I’m not unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
HAHAHAH Oh… porcelain, porcelain.
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
Literally a relationship breaker? Hahahah. Good one.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
It definitely had the word “small” in it….
… HA.
10. The way you cross the water is representitive to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
A swimmer swimming through a small crystalline lake…
wow, I hope so.
Loved this quiz-bulleting from myspace because it was so fun to answer! So I’m going to keep it.
Psychoanalyze Yourself. Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!)
1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. who is with you?
Someone with no face. A girl.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
Some sort of miniature pink elephant. (*shrugs* it said first thing that comes to mind)
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I pet it.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. Describe it.
When it says house deep in the woods I can not think of anything else with my mum, perima, krithi, kavin and charan and of course Anipra.The house is filled with Karthigai Deepam(full of lights) (again, not the ideal house for me, just the first thought in my mind)
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
Nope. It has lots of flowers and fruit trees, maybe they used them as a fence someday but someone started eating them so now there are only a few.
6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
There are some apples,rice,chicken,fish. The table has no tablescloth. Around there are no chairs… weird.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
Pink porcelain.
8. What do you do with the cup?
I accidentally kick it and it breaks.
9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?
A small crystalline lake.
10. How will you cross the water?
I take a swim.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
Oh i love my girl with no face…
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life. Dude! it was a miniature elephant! Hahahah, elephants are huge, and this one was a miniature elephant… Hahhaha what does that mean…
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
I pet my problems… wtf.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
My ambition glows like light. m mm!.
5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.
flowers & fruits semi-fence, very open, whoever needs to come can just eat all fruits. Yay! …Although in real life my fence is more like high and made of concrete.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
Apples, Rice, Chicken, Fish! I can’t eat apples and chicken because my braces break, so that’s sort of no food for me. But I’m not unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
HAHAHAH Oh… porcelain, porcelain.
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
Literally a relationship breaker? Hahahah. Good one.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
It definitely had the word “small” in it….
… HA.
10. The way you cross the water is representitive to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
A swimmer swimming through a small crystalline lake…
wow, I hope so.
I had no idea who I was
December 21st, 2009
NOT A CLUE. Not the slightest thing to cling on to serve as a pattern for having intense fun through the misery of others a little. Because I knew that’s what most people were doing. I didn't care anymore about anyone or anything for the matter what happened in my life. My realization was a huge crush with the world.
I decided I hated my current pattern of thoughts. I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to be NORMAL. I wanted to laugh and have lots of friends and have a girl friend and be like all those people that look so happy.
So shall i work on it?
What happened is that I passed from being moodless to be predominantly depressed.
I had not been able to make all this into shape before… right now it seems like it makes sense, but I had not considered it before.
Maybe this crash I had, between my inner world deprived of feelings and full of logic and reasoning; and the ideal of something that would be more fulfilling and ordinary is the origin of my depression.
Maybe not, but at least I have one hypothesis now.
In the PRESENT time, and after a lot of struggling, I’ve managed to balance things. They say balance is good, but balance is also ordinary. Extremes are special, and I still want to be special. I’ve had some of the best experiences ever when in AIRVOiCE (my office) . But I feel less smart, and many times I feel lots of guilt for leaving my little exceptional world pursuing something… so vain?
I wanted so badly to be normal. But I don’t want to be ordinary either.
Idealy, I’d like to be special and at the same time, normal.
I didn’t feel anything before. Now I feel too much.
And honestly, I don’t know what’s better.
NOT A CLUE. Not the slightest thing to cling on to serve as a pattern for having intense fun through the misery of others a little. Because I knew that’s what most people were doing. I didn't care anymore about anyone or anything for the matter what happened in my life. My realization was a huge crush with the world.
I decided I hated my current pattern of thoughts. I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to be NORMAL. I wanted to laugh and have lots of friends and have a girl friend and be like all those people that look so happy.
So shall i work on it?
What happened is that I passed from being moodless to be predominantly depressed.
I had not been able to make all this into shape before… right now it seems like it makes sense, but I had not considered it before.
Maybe this crash I had, between my inner world deprived of feelings and full of logic and reasoning; and the ideal of something that would be more fulfilling and ordinary is the origin of my depression.
Maybe not, but at least I have one hypothesis now.
In the PRESENT time, and after a lot of struggling, I’ve managed to balance things. They say balance is good, but balance is also ordinary. Extremes are special, and I still want to be special. I’ve had some of the best experiences ever when in AIRVOiCE (my office) . But I feel less smart, and many times I feel lots of guilt for leaving my little exceptional world pursuing something… so vain?
I wanted so badly to be normal. But I don’t want to be ordinary either.
Idealy, I’d like to be special and at the same time, normal.
I didn’t feel anything before. Now I feel too much.
And honestly, I don’t know what’s better.
Charan's 2nd Birthday
December 21st, 2009
Our little boy is turning two!
We celebrate a person who
Brings happiness to everyone,
Someone who gives more than he gets,
And fills our lives with joy and fun.
It’s your birthday and I can’t be there
But I’ll send you a special birthday wish and a little prayer
Have a happy birthday Charan(The biggest man in our family!)
We can hardly believe it's true.
We celebrate a person who
Brings happiness to everyone,
Someone who gives more than he gets,
And fills our lives with joy and fun.
It’s your birthday and I can’t be there
But I’ll send you a special birthday wish and a little prayer
Have a happy birthday Charan(The biggest man in our family!)
Love
Prabhu
Happiness
December 19th, 2009
Need to give myself a little boost of good stuff. Apart from eating a giant idly & dosai,
What makes you happy at home?
This one is easier. My music is here, my room is here, my computer is here. I get along pretty well with my family. I like waking up late to eat an improvised breakfast. I love my mom, she’s all around the place, always happy and without her I probably would be much bored up than I am. My room, although not messy and cool as heaven, it’s my place, I can just lie down to think about irrelevant stuff that happened with anipra. I try to associate it with sleeping, my bed I’ve owned after I was born but I still don’t have problems falling asleep in.
What makes you happy with your friends and family?
My family is my stability. They are all weird. I love when they all get along and have a good time. When all five of us watch tv together mocking whatever comes on; when I wake up in the middle of the night and they are all asleep, safe under this roof. All family moments that I remember from my childhood are happy.
My friends. I haven’t been good in this area. I love and care about these people lots, and I’m sure many love me and care about me. But I have problems with calling someone a friend although I refer to some as friends in general, for practical purposes (“Hello, this is my…......................... eh,
Mano and Kalpana!').
But this isn’t about the issues, is about the happy moments… so, I guess it makes me happy to feel like I belong to something; when I have an amazing conversation with someone; when I feel like have a part in that person’s life, for good or bad; when I’m able to hang around with them without feeling like a stranger; when I can just sit for a while and not say much and still feel comfortable; when I see somebody after a long while of being away and we instantly click like no time has passed.
What makes you happy when you’re by yourself?
I’m good at enjoying my time alone. I can find a million of things to do. I can think of a million things, or nothing at all. It makes me happy that I can be happy by being alone, and being weird without scaring myself. I like singing until my throat hurts . Then I laugh like a true insane person. I make weird sounds as I please for no reason. I lie on the floor on the tiles that are cooler. When I’m by myself but not so alone as to do these crazy things, I just daydream a lot, or write or listen to music, while thinking. OR, I enjoy my awesome dreams. Or I have laughing fits after random unprocessed funny thoughts that would be impossible to explain and if someone happens to find me laughing and asks about it, I can only say “Nothing.” And then laugh at that.
What do you love to do?
I love to sleep(but i can't), to eat, to be lazy. I love to laugh, I love spending time with someone who makes me laugh(especially with Vicky) . I love having awesome conversations with incredibly interesting people. I love when I listen to music and it’s just perfect. I love to accomplish something. I love to go to an unknown place. I love to try unknown things.
What would you do with your life today if you weren’t afraid of failure?
I’d probably wouldn’t go back to work, would forget about medicine. I’d get out of this city and explore the surroundings and the awesome places in here, then get the hell out of my treatment and go to every place as possible, try as many things as possible and maybe find a place I belong to. I’d improve my English until perfection by talking to as many people as possible. I would study photography, I’d capture the best things in the world in images. I’d marry anipra and have amazing life with her. I would tell people what I feel without being afraid of being disliked or rejected. I would read a lot and learn a lot about the most fascinating, most useless things in the universe without worrying about them not being practical for the “real world”.
What’s not working in your life?
I don’t know… Obviously, my emotional instability. My confusion career-wise. My lack of physical energy to do the million things my mind would like to do. My shyness and fear of people that stop me from going my way. My need to think of a way to do something I enjoy for a living and not be caught in a super stressing life just to earn enough money to someday have an actual life.
What are you currently doing that prevents you from experiencing joy?
Before: Pushing myself too hard at work to the point I didn’t exist anymore.
Now: Thinking too much, not acting out enough. Thinking that maybe thinking is better than any action in this moment. Neglecting my relationships with people, then expecting they all come my way when I need it.
Thinking too much.
I don’t have any books right now. Would anyone send me cool e-books at least?
What’s working in your life?
I’m mentally growing a lot, learning new things, changing, always trying to learn more. If it’s been possible to change in the past, then it’s possible to change whenever I find myself stuck in a dead end.
Which relationships are working in your life?
Family – all of them. Anipra – Still in a confusing place, lets-see-what-happens thing. Getting along pretty well lately and having fun. A nice comeback of my sister(hema). A new friend, helped me lots through the worst times. An old friend with a conversation yet to be done, after solving a lot of issues.
Who’s not working in your life?
The people who totally forgot about me the moment I stopped cohabiting with them.
Some old online friends who I cared about lots like real life friends but didn’t reciprocate.
Really, nothing is really wrong about relationships, except those I don’t have.
Who in your life is subtracting value from and adding misery to it?
Right now. Nobody. Two years ago, one of my friends.
Do you believe you should you let them go from your life?
Yes, nobody should go. I let go that friend from two years ago. Now he’s back and I’m immune to him.
What’s the single most important thing you’ve learned about yourself as a result of answering these questions?
I don’t know… That I have lots of things to figure out? That my life is a bit on hold while I’m still in this particular studying cycle. But it should get better later. It better does.
Source
December 18th, 2009
Me. I am Me. One person. Among a couple of billions. One.
Me. One? No. More than one. A lot. There’s one Me in the head of every single person or creature who has ever known of my existence.
A world of mirrors. A reflection in every eye. A distorted one. One of them is distorted. No, not just one. I’m sure several of them are. None are like each other. They are all different. Hundreds of them looking back at me. Back at who? At what? Me? Which me, again? Which is the right one? They are all different.
How can it be? They are all me. One version in each reflection. A distortion caused by the surface. Source. Where is the original? I can’t see it. If it exists, how to tell? I can see reflections. Distorted reflections. Reflections that come from a source. I can’t see the source. All the reflections are different. I need a formula. I need to factorise this.
I have too, a reflective surface. A distorted one. Can I see the originals? Can they see me? Every one of them reflect on me. Hundreds of reflective bodies. How many are we? Billions. A world of billions reflected. An endless house of mirrors.
Personal Victory
December 18th 2009
Wow, I have so many ideas for blogging. But I find myself unable to elaborate. Yesterday I typed continuously on my word processor, but after 2 or 3 hours, I decided to delete the file.
Last week I spent the whole time on bed, doing nothing. I didn’t want to have contact with anyone, I didn’t want to give explanations, I got away from everyone, it’s better that way.
If depression was like going deep in a dark sea of confusion and despair, right now I’m heading back to the surface. But there’s no one waiting for me to come back up. I can’t express how much I wish to have some deep contact with someone now, I want to hug someone and tell them that I have not drown after all! I have a sense of acomplishment I wish to share…
I don’t feel bad, after all, I know that this is something that matters to me and to me only.
And it’s still a happy moment, as sad as this post seems to sound.
Abstract Selfishness
December 17th, 2009
It’s not a good idea.
But is it my fear speaking? Or am I right and I’m just dreaming little boy’s dreams? Maybe I am just wanting to have a different life? Better?
Unrealistic expectations?
Will ANYTHING EVER be good enough for me?
What the hell is wrong? Why can’t I take life as it is? why am I never satisfied? Why am I always loking outside trying to get something better? I want satisfaction. I want to feel fulfilled. Why? That’s not the way life it’s supposed to be, life it’s supposed to be hard, with sacrifices.
I don’t mean I want it to be hard.
I just mean… I think I’m going to hit a giant brick wall after I realize the world isn’t the way I thought, after I go out and find out everything else (and everyone else) is just the same way than the things I loathe (and the people). And then I’ll be caught in a world I hate, and it’ll only be my fault, for expecting too much. Why am I expecting so much, who drew butterflies and rainbows in my mind, and why can’t I get rid of them?
But maybe, just maybe, the world and things I dream of may be just real, somewhere.
It’s nothing speficic.
I just want satisfaction.
I want real, steady satisfaction.
Not the crazy maniac episodes of fake excitement.
A little window showing what “happy” is but not letting me in completely.
ONE word
December 17th, 2009
Yourself:
Here
Your girlfriend:
Unexistant
Your hair:
Messy
Your mother:
Sleeping
Your Father:
Sleeping
Your Favorite Item:
Computer
Your dream last night:
Weird
Your Favorite drink:
Pepsi
Your Dream Car:
Whatever
The room you are in:
Huge
Your Ex:
who…
Your fear:
Many
What you want to be in 10 years:
Alive
Who you hung out with last night:
TV
What You’re Not:
Dying
One of Your Wish List Items:
Relaxation
What time is it:
Night
The Last Thing You Did:
Blinked
What You Are Wearing:
Clothes
Your Favorite Weather:
COLD
Your Favorite Book:
None
The last thing you ate:
Pongal
Your Life:
Happening
Your Mood:
Spinning
Your best friend:
Sick
What are you thinking about right now:
Blog
Your car:
Dream
What are you doing at the moment:
Breathing
Your summer:
Eternal
Your relationship status:
Comatose
What is on your TV:
OFF
What is the weather like:
Cold
When is the last time you laughed:
Today
When is the last time you cried:
Tuesday
Who was your first kiss:
Ani...
Do you like your appearance:
Sometimes
Meme One
December 16th, 2009
i am : sitting, breathing and doing nothing particularly productive except
pushing my deconditioning syndrome to further levels.
i think : a lot, but I am 3 brains short of what I could be thinking if I could
get them. And then I’d go nuts.
i know : how to react with peoples.
i want : to have an all countries visa to go everywhere.
i have : good thoughts.
i wish : i want my anipra back.
i hate : beans.
i miss : being with anipra.
i fear : the moment right before dying, and worms.
i feel : relaxed
i hear : myself typing… there am I! And there am I again! And… well, just
now,“Air on G string” started. I adore that song.
i smell : Nothing whatsoever.
i crave : Pollution.
i search: for… um. Nothing.
i wonder: How to answer the question above.
i regret :I usually don’t regret things. Right now I can’t think of anything.
i love : my new home(my room).
i ache : my eyes.
i care : about learning more and more about everything.
i always: sleeping short only(4/24hrs).
i am not: a liar.
i believe: that not drinking water for a few days can kill you.
i dance : pretty not well.
i sing : under the rain
i cry : sometimes
i don’t always: show up on time.
i fight : with my closest friends.
i write : in a second language.
i win : Nothing … ?
i lose : most things in my life and I carry! because I can’t pay attention to
what I’m holding.
i never : have manners when eating
i confuse: right from left.
i listen : to music in my random “AR RAHMAN” playlist in iTunes.
i can usually be found: in front of the computer. (See Bloggers in the
Animal world, coming soon)
i am scared: of darkness? I still think something might come up from
there, and then it would mean I’ve finally lost my mind.
i need : ice creams… and peace.
i am happy about: feeling better.
Quiz 1
December 16th, 2009
Your Bed Says You Have Your Head in the Clouds
Outward appearances are a concern of yours, but not your primary concern. You try to take care of yourself and your home, but it's not an obsession.
You are an organized and disciplined person. You do the right thing because you want to, not because people expect you to.
You are not very high maintenance in general, but you are high maintenance about a few things.
In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge.
You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities.
You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.
Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!
You Are the Guru
You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.
You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.
You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.
You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.
You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.
Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like.
Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!
You Are 40% Kinky
You're quite kinky, and you've been known to be somewhat adventurous in the bedroom.
But you also have a pretty firm line that you won't cross!
You know what you like. And you know what you don't like. And that's that.
You're willing to experiment a little, but you prefer your kink in very small doses.
Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!
You Are 30% Weird
Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.
Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!
Many things about me
December 15th, 2009
I need to start working but I can’t. I also haven’t blogged for 4 months
( Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov) because a lot has happened in a short time. I’ll get around it eventually but the main idea is that I’m working again. I’m not seeing my readers but doing research work. It’s flexible schedule
and I can work from home, seems perfect. It’s my best chance to graduate, but something is not right.
I’m a little sick of my own complaining. I’ll just record a few unconnected thoughts for posterity.
1. I often fear I’m going to die before I accomplish everything I want to do. I don’t want to die without leaving a mark. And the little scratch I made in a tree when I was 16 doesn’t count.
2. I do like the person I am and what I’m becoming. It is a great help to like yourself. It is a good feeling, and a good tool to deal with adversity. I can appreciate it now because it’s not always been this way.
3. My self esteem is not too great most of the time. I’ve hated myself. I’ve disliked myself deeply and for a long time.
4. I probably only like myself now because I haven’t been around other people in a while. Know the phrase “I only like me when I’m alone”?. Nevertheless, I think this perception is more accurate than the one I get when I’m around other people, as the latter is a result of social anxiety and lack of assertiveness in many situations that trigger automatic thoughts of self loathing.
5. I often find myself doing wishful thinking about what my life would be if I could live abroad. And feel frustrated at the fact that I can’t do it now. It drives me nuts the possibility of dying after only knowing a teeny tiny portion of the planet.
6. However, I also fear to make my dream come true in case I screw up. But it’s also true that there are lots of places to go.
7. My ethnicity is not a big part of my identity now, but it might be when I live somewhere else.
8. My looks don’t really worry me much most of the time. I’m glad my brain is not obsessing about that.
9. I usually think that if I don’t write down my thoughts, I will forget them. I have a terrible memory.
10. I've read some of my old posts without recognizing what I was thinking at the time.
11. I wish I was a better writer, because I dislike not being able to present my thoughts in a reliable way. It’s very possible that the things I remember about my life and myself are not very reliable. I can remember the retelling of a story, but with each retelling the story changes shape until there’s only a vague idea of what the original thought was. It drives me nuts.
12. Memories are often linked with emotions. I suspect I lack some conection between my cerebral cortex and my limbic system, so for any given memory I try to keep, I’ll remember more facts than what the memory is actually supposed to evoke.
13. I’m like a moth to a flame with smart people. I have low tolerance for ignorance, and sometimes that makes me act like an idiot.
14. I fear that because I suffer from depression, the people I care about feel inhibited when they are going through hard times. Just because I’m not doing well at any given time doesn’t mean I think other people’s problems are less important.
15. In 2008, I, for the first time pictured what it would be like if I and Anipra had a child and smiled at the thought. I must have been independent at the time.
16. I don’t think I’m going to work as a Business Man. It’s not only because it’s hard but because I don’t want to. I still want to graduate to get some closure and open some doors in the world of opportunities.
17. In one year and four months I will have lived a quarter of a century. O_o
18. I suspect I might be mildly in love with Anipra again. For the people who know me, this should be shocking. Except they probably already know by now.
19. I’m not too fond of clothes.
20. I would love to go to elliots beach but I wouldn't like to live in one of those higher communities.
21. One day I’d like to: Buy an Himalayan rail pass and everything else I would need for an Kashmir trip; do the kashmir trip; do snow riding; visit the Great Himalayas and scuba dive.
22. I would like to learn to speak Dutch, to dust off my math-related brain synapses, and to learn some physics. For now.
23. I would like to play piano. I always picture myself playing piano for my favorite ar rahman's songs in front of lots of people and imagine the euphoria I’d get off it.
24. If I had the chance to go to the space, I’d be very afraid of leaving the planet. At least without seeing most of it. I’m very fond of the Earth.(its toooooo much i think so ! )
25. I don’t like to feel the sun on my skin. I’m always thinking “Cell damage! Cell damage! DNA breaking! Ahhh!”
26. I have a very clean mind and I like it.
27. I absolutely despise jallikattu(bull catching). Everybody cheers when the bull gets stabbed but it’s a big tragedy if the bull fights back and hurts the human.(in Madurai)
28. I have never seen snow, and I’m currently very jealous of all the people who are enjoying it.
29. I like water, I am good at swimming. But I am not fit enough. You know, sedentarism. I may drown by getting tired.
30. I’ve never really been interested in politics. However, if I find myself obsessed with a specific subject, I will go passionate about it. In my country at least, no political position has appealed me enough.
I always say I’m going to correct that…
If I treated me…
December 15th, 2009
…the way I treat myself…
I would shout insults at him more than once a day.
I would pull his hair and occasionally bang his head against a wall to make him stop thinking so many stupid things.
I would interfere with his work until he’s completely unable to do it. Then I’d make jokes about his incompetence.
Every now and then, I would keep him in a locked space without even allowing him to do anything.
Every time something goes wrong in his life, I would nag him with comments about his worthlessness, all day, all week until something else distracts me.
I would blame him of absolutely everything that goes wrong.
I would tell him he doesn't deserve to have any friends because he annoys them to death.
I would take away his hope.
I would tell him that his existance is pointless.
Even more, I would constantly threaten to kill him.
I kind of like him, and sometimes I’m good with him, but after all of this,
why is he still hanging out with me?
Being hard on yourself sometimes can have benefits, if you’re talking about things like discipline and self control, but this is crazy, it’s completely counterproductive.
Anxiety
December 14th, 2009
I have been having more than a few morbid thoughts. It’s depressive and annoying stuff .
Yes, I know I should do that more often, but what can you do now… Bite me.
(Eh… very mature Prabhu)
My moods have been going down, slow and steady. For a while it was the usual, chronic state of fatigue and hopelessness with causal lifts. I am obviously bad enough that I’m off work, I have cut off most relationships (or they have cut me off, anyway) and I am reduced to a living being who only seems to survive. There are toys that do more stuff than I do.
But of course there was room for it to become worse.
So it did.
It became a complete mess where I don’t want to do anything at all, the lifts are reduced to something worthless or non existent, and then, rather suddenly, anxiety took over completely.
There’s something about anxiety. Somehow my brain thinks that it is in such a threat that it needs to get away from whatever it is, right this second (fight or flight response). If the threat was a lion in the corner, then I’d run away from it, and, voila! problem solved (I don’t run that fast, but that’s another issue). However, in my case the threat is unspecific and it’s perceived to be everywhere, particularly inside my own brain.
There are no words to describe what that feels like (fine, technically there *are*, but I don’t know how to use them). It’s hard to breathe, my heart rate goes to the roof, everything seems distorted and horrible, and there’s a certainty that I’m going to die a horrible death any
second.
And here’s the worst part: NOTHING HAPPENS!
The brain gets ready to face a danger that never comes around. The state of mind perpetuates into something so unbearable that death seems to be a very good alternative.
My suicidal ideation has indeed become worse. Yes. But this I’m experiencing right now, this I figured it’s not a true wish to die. I just want to knock myself out. I want the anxiety to stop.
I’ll take care of the rest at a later time.
Note: Knowing that you are experiencing anxiety doesn’t make it any better. Cognition is very useless in these cases.
Brain Bugs
December 14th, 2009
When I created this blog, I didn’t intend it to be a journal on depression. I didn’t make any plans at all. I just wanted to have a mental record of a lot of things that don’t fit in my tiny memory.
But reading the latest entries, I can see how everything spins around depression. Boring. Now, when I turn off the computer, things don’t really change. It’s not that I focus too much on feeling depressed, is that it’s all there is at the moment.
Right now I am very irritable, so much that every little sound pierces my skull, I can’t even stand the voices of my family, and rage builds up inside me when they decide to ask me what the hell is wrong. Argh, people, just leave me the hell alone. But at the same time, don’t go.
I’ve not been sleeping most of the time, and this is weird even for me. I've been not sleeping
over 21 hours a day.
The brain keeps going from one glitch to the other.
Ping !
December 13th, 2009
Recently my sleep patterns have become ridiculous. It has been as though someone has mis-set a timer in my brain. Three hours and ping! wide awake.
Yesterday though I actually felt tired, and you know what, it was kind of lovely. After all the relentless energy I enjoyed being a bit quiet and sleepy. I needed that break, that space. And last night I slept for a blissful six hours.
I am not very well physically at the moment. My head hurts, my limbs ache and I keep having little hot and cold shivers. But I am relieved to realise this - for a little while I was scared my mood was crashing. My experience of depression is so physical that I can't always tell which kind of unwell I am.
She always said I was domesticated
December 13th, 2009
 | 148 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior |
Scoring:
0-24 - Very Poor (Failure)
25-41 - Poor
42-58 - Average
59-75 - Superior
76+ - Very Superior
This is 148 out of 200. Maybe my score was higher because I indicated I’m okay with my anipra.
Whoops in my dreams !
Self appraisal form
December 12, 2009
Had to fill my self appraisal form for the year 2009.
It’s very difficult to say what is your strength and weakness are.
But I had to do it. I do not want to show my weakness, which
others is yet to be aware of.
To fill the form, I made a list of tasks/acheivements and later
edited it for clarity. Few of the questions I asked in the process are:
2. What are my critical skills in my business?
3. What are the developments that I had when compared to
previous year?
4. What are new skills, process that I learned ?
5. Did I hinder any tasks?
6. Did I volunteer to additional tasks and responsibilty?
7. What are the new capabilities that I need to carry out my
4. What are new skills, process that I learned ?
5. Did I hinder any tasks?
6. Did I volunteer to additional tasks and responsibilty?
7. What are the new capabilities that I need to carry out my
current and future tasks?
8. About my communication skills?
9. What kind of influence I had on my team?
10. What are the skills that I lack?
11. My dedication and punctuality.
12. Did I acheive my previous year goals?
13. How could I improve?
14. How could I prove?
8. About my communication skills?
9. What kind of influence I had on my team?
10. What are the skills that I lack?
11. My dedication and punctuality.
12. Did I acheive my previous year goals?
13. How could I improve?
14. How could I prove?
15. What are my goals for this new year?
Rajini-60 : Tribute To Thalaivar !
December 12th, 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE
Actually this photo was taken in 1997 in his home. My uncle introduced me .He asked me about my studies and i told that i am studying +2. My mum interrupted and told that i am not at all concentrating in my studies. Thats all he started advising me for 15 mins about how to study & if u study well then only u can save the nation etc etc...at last he told that he will check my +2 results. Then we have break fast and he became more friendly with me, we take few photos and we wind up. It is one of my unforgettable moment in my life.
Disclaimer
December 11th, 2009
Disclaimer:
I am not a medical professional and do not have medical training.
My writing is only my opinion and understanding of what I have read and researched.
This is in no way to be construed as medical advice.
I repeat this b coz one of my reader ask me to remove (medicine glossary)post. Sorry friend!
I have written only what Dr prescribes me
Sridharan anna & Maya anni Anniversary Wishes
December 11th, 2009
Thanks for being a couple of role models of marriage. Happy Anniversary.
SRIDHARAN - MAYA means
Love - Adore
Understand - Cherish
Share - Deserves
Happy - Happiness
Wish - Wishing
Hope - Hoping
Life - Lifetime
Future - Years
Time - Moments
Together - Share
Unite - United
Commitment - Great
Wonderful - Beautiful
Happy - Best
Special - Important
heart - Soul
Blessed - Blessing
Gift - Feeling
Understanding - Forgiving
Loving - Proving
Forever - Everlasting
Having - Holding
Remember - Reflect
Husband - Wife
Friend - Partner
Lover - Spouse
Lots to say .... they are made for each other.
Happy Birth day dude Bharathi
December 11th, 2009
Happy Birth day dude BharathiBorn : 11 Dec 1882 in Ettayapuram, Thoothukudi Dist, in Saiva Brahmin family
Parents: Chinnasami Aiyar and Lakshmi Ammal (mother died in 1889)
Personal Name : Chinnasami Subramania Aiyar. The title "Bharathi" (Tamil Bharathi = Goddess Saraswathi ) conferred to him in 1893 in the Sabha of court-poets in recognition of his poetic talent-later it became his pet-name.
1894-1897: Studied in Hindu College, Tirunelveli.
15 June 1897 Married Chellamma, aged 7; 1898 father dies
1898-1902 stay at Banares with his aunt, learns Sanksrit, Hindi etc, entrance exam to Allahabad University.
1902-1904 Court poet at Ettayapuram; Aug-Nov 1904 Tamil teacher at Sethupathi High School, Madurai; Nov 1904 on the staff of Swedhesimithiran, well known Tamil daily of Madras;
1905 active political life starts; 1906 contact with Chidambaram Pillai, on the staff of radical daily Inthia; Attends Congress session in Calcutta, meets sister Nivedita.
1907 Editor of Inthiya and Bala Bharatha; meets Tilak, Aurobindo Ghosh, Lajpath Ray.
Composes partiotic songs publishes his first book "Swedhsa Geethangkal" in 1908
1908 Inthiya newspaper comes under govt surveilance, takes refuge in Pondicherry.
1909 2nd volume of poetry - janmmpUmi.
1908-1910 Inthiya paper published from Pondicherry; 1910 Aurobindo and VVS Aiyar come to Pondicherry.
1912 - 1918 stays in Pondicherry to avoid arrest by the british, writes political and other essays; composes poetry-Kannan Pattu, Kuyil Pattu, Panchali Sapatham,
1917 first edition of Kannan Pattu released.
Nov 1918 returns to India, got arrested and released after 34 days.
1918-19 leaves for Kilkattiyam and Ettayapuram, lives in poverty; 1919 goes to Madras meets Gandhi in Rajaaji's house; 1920 joins Swadesimiththran in Triplicane & he was killed by temple Elephant.
Resolute Mind I seek - மனதிலுறுதி வேண்டும்
Resolute mind I seek
Refined words I seek
Considerate thoughts I seek
Coveted things to be mine I seek
Dreams that turn real I seek
And turn real soon I seek
Wealth and happiness I seek
Fame in this world I seek
Clarity of vision I seek
Determination in work I seek
Women's liberation I seek
Protection of the creator I seek
Growth of this land I seek
Vision of heaven I seek
Triumph of truth I seek
Om Om Om Om
மனதி லுறுதி வேண்டும்,
வாக்கினி லேயினிமை வேண்டும்;
நினைவு நல்லது வேண்டும்,
நெருங்கின பொருள் கைப்பட வேண்டும்;
கனவு மெய்ப்பட வேண்டும்,
கைவசமாவது விரைவில் வேண்டும்;
தனமும் இன்பமும் வேண்டும்,
தரணியிலே பெருமை வேண்டும்.
கண் திறந்திட வேண்டும்,
காரியத்தி லுறுதி வேண்டும்;
பெண் விடுதலை வேண்டும்,
பெரிய கடவுள் காக்க வேண்டும்,
மண் பயனுற வேண்டும்,
வானகமிங்கு தென்பட வேண்டும்;
உண்மை நின்றிட வேண்டும்.
ஓம் ஓம் ஓம் ஓம்
Why is system design such
December 10th, 2009
Why is system design such a time consuming, eating-your-head task.I am sure the outcomes are much worthier than the toil for a perfect
Design. Gifted are those who are software engineers, as of now.
Hectic week ahead and I was expecting to have fun atleast during
The coming weekend. Forecasts show that Mr.Snow is coming
Down his way this weekend spoiling the show. Snow, snow go away ;-)
Currently listening yanni’s one mans dream... Wow!!
Note 5
December 9, 2009
Paint by numbers
December 8th, 2009
My mood has lifted a little and I am beginning to “take pleasure in everyday things” as my psychiatrist asks every visit. I still however, have a hard time “getting out” especially in a crowd. I do go out. Going out is better and I feel safe in my little area of my community. Now I mainly go out, come home, and sit quietly surfing internet.
My therapist wants me to slowly adapt back to a “more normal life socially.” I know that lack of social support could lead me backwards instead of forward. Little by little I can rejoin the human race. I went out to eat with family this past weekend. I attended a marriage party(my brothers). I made it to temple, finally. I’m not ready for a concert or a mall full of people, but I am feeling more like interacting with people.
When I was first diagnosed, the therapist wanted me to have a hobby to focus on. I have never been good with hobbies. I had my brother take me to the store for some ideas. I grew frustrated and wanted to just leave, when he picked up a “paint by numbers” kit. We paid for it and took it home. I knew he would nag me to start, so I began immediately. It helped. It was the ugliest paint by number ever created but, a beautiful piece of artwork was not the goal. I needed a detour from my anxiety and the painting provided that for me.
Now I have my writing. It has been so hard to write lately. I find it slowly returning. The creativity is not there. The language and voice is still dormant. The goal however is not for me to write an award winning story, it is to provide relief from the ravages of anxiety.
So here I am, it is not where I want to be, but I am much closer.
Things I have learned
December 7th, 2009
Things I have learned in my life so far.
- Complaining is silly. Either act or forget.
- Thinking life will be better in the future is stupid. I have to live now.
- Being not truthful works against me.
- Helping other people helps me.
- Organizing a charity group is surprisingly easy.
- Everything I do always comes back to me.
- Drugs feel great in the beginning and become a drag later on.
- Over time I get used to everything and start taking it for granted.
- Money does not make me happy.
- Traveling alone is helpful for a new perspective on life.
- Assuming is stifling.
- Keeping a diary supports my personal development.
- Trying to look good limits my life.
- Worrying solves nothing.
- Material luxuries are best enjoyed in small doses.
- Having guts always works out for me.
Haitus- Or Not?
December 6th, 2009
At some points this blog has been my life, the only reason to get out
of bed was to post. The only thing to do, the only achievable thing,
another way not to fail. Failure was not to log onto wordpress and
not to answer my emails. Achievement was to leave a comment on
someone else’s blog, a simple life, lonely life, this place encompassed
it. Without it this place feels like a dark, lonely place. Its lonely logging
onto wordpress and knowing I can’t write, I have filled endless pieces
of paper with thoughts but it’s not the same. I have no idea what to do
with this place. Don’t know if I over reacted on Christmas Eve, don’t
know at all. Don’t know if they don’t know and don’t know what to do,
don’t even know if they don’t know I don’t know. This confusion, its
churning in my head, around and around. Relentless. I need here, and
I want here.
Memories are all I have left only for you ANIPRA
December 5th, 2009
Afraid of what I see, I struggle to even breathe.
My memories for ever leaving a scar on me, making me drop
To my knees.
No matter how hard I try, I feel frail, weak, and afraid to leave
My shell.Forever falling asleep on a pillow full of tears.
My heart feeling brittle, without fail, my blood leaving a trail.
I scream out, Will any one save me from myself, or will I have
To continue to fall?'
Falling into the depth of my mind, swallowed by those ghoulies
Of my memories,Afraid to even try to fight back.
I can hear the inconsistent laughter of these demons in my brain,
Rumbling through my head like a speeding train.
No matter how much I cry, I will never let you see a tear
Streak down my cheek.
I at least am not weak enough to let you see me, at my
Breakdowns peak.After a while of tear streaked pain,
I let it, knowing that i can't wash it all away, push it away,
Or wish every bit of it always. But, I know that it has not
Completely disappeared,Since nothing can ever go away for ever.
To my knees.
No matter how hard I try, I feel frail, weak, and afraid to leave
My shell.Forever falling asleep on a pillow full of tears.
My heart feeling brittle, without fail, my blood leaving a trail.
I scream out, Will any one save me from myself, or will I have
To continue to fall?'
Falling into the depth of my mind, swallowed by those ghoulies
Of my memories,Afraid to even try to fight back.
I can hear the inconsistent laughter of these demons in my brain,
Rumbling through my head like a speeding train.
No matter how much I cry, I will never let you see a tear
Streak down my cheek.
I at least am not weak enough to let you see me, at my
Breakdowns peak.After a while of tear streaked pain,
I let it, knowing that i can't wash it all away, push it away,
Or wish every bit of it always. But, I know that it has not
Completely disappeared,Since nothing can ever go away for ever.
Between sleep & awake
December 4, 2009
Most people don’t understand what it is like to get lost in
Between sleep and awake. They never understand how
Vast a place, can fit in the space, between your ears, and
How your fears can become your weighty truth. Your life
Can become a nightmare in a minute, and it can happen to
You, because it happened to me, and I used to be you,
Before That Night. I was all of you, I was a normal person.
I had kinks and quirks and I made some stupid mistakes,
But I was just the same as any person on the street.
I could have been your brother, or your son. Or if you
Like, maybe I was your victim. Maybe I was the boy who sat
Next to you on the bus this morning. Maybe I served you in
The pub. Maybe you tried to sell me insurance on the phone
This afternoon. I look no different, I haven’t sprouted another
Head, my hair hasn’t fallen out, I haven’t turned green.
Maybe I’m sitting beside you as you read this. No one could
Ever know just by looking, the pictures in my head.
Most people don’t understand what it is like to get lost in
Between sleep and awake. They never understand how
Vast a place, can fit in the space, between your ears, and
How your fears can become your weighty truth. Your life
Can become a nightmare in a minute, and it can happen to
You, because it happened to me, and I used to be you,
Before That Night. I was all of you, I was a normal person.
I had kinks and quirks and I made some stupid mistakes,
But I was just the same as any person on the street.
I could have been your brother, or your son. Or if you
Like, maybe I was your victim. Maybe I was the boy who sat
Next to you on the bus this morning. Maybe I served you in
The pub. Maybe you tried to sell me insurance on the phone
This afternoon. I look no different, I haven’t sprouted another
Head, my hair hasn’t fallen out, I haven’t turned green.
Maybe I’m sitting beside you as you read this. No one could
Ever know just by looking, the pictures in my head.
MSS Mudhal MSS Varai
December 2nd, 2009
In search of words to say. Your voice will always heard
The hearts of all carnatic music lovers and non-lovers.
M.S.Subbulakshmi and her husband once stayed at
Pollachi in an Apartment. After lunch one day, MS began
Singing for the small gathering of friends who had assembled
In the apartment. To their dismay, repairs in the adjoining
Apartment provided a steady accompaniment of hammer
Knocks and metal sawing. MS’s host was embarrassed but
Said was helpless. MS alone seemed unconcerned and
Went on singing...
I’m Back!!!
December 1st, 2009
First of all, I owe an apology to those faithful readers of my blog. I disappeared without a word and looking back on it, that was a very bad decision on my part. So, I’m sorry.
At the time of my last post, I was spending a lot of time thinking about and living ANXIETY. I was watching videos on YouTube from other anxiety suffers, I was surfing websites for more information, and I had joined an online support group. I think it was joining the support group that put me over the top. It was wonderful to connect with people who were like me and it comforted me. However, I was finding that my support group were spending their entire day talking about anxiety. Be it posting on messages boards, chatting in a forum, creating blog posts, etc. etc.
I was trying to get away from anxiety not get more involved with it so I decided to just shut everything off. I didn’t want to lose anymore time to anxiety. My days were full of anxiety and anything that called for more attention on anxiety, at that moment, was a bad thing.
Now I am back at a place where I can once again begin to write about my experience. I am no longer spending hours upon hours surfing the Internet, searching for comfort. I still have anxiety and I will for the rest of my life. I have finally accepted that but that doesn’t mean that anxiety needs to run my life. Anxiety doesn’t define who I am. I am not an anxiety suffer.
I still see a psychologist every three weeks and will continue to do so. I am learning a lot about myself and how to have more control and most importantly live in the present moment.
Once again, I apologize for the disappearing act but I am back now and hope that my those who were here before will continue to come back and follow my journey so that we can heal and grow together.
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