The Afterwards

May 18 2012

I am in the strange place that is the afterwards of a severe episode. I have only vague memories of the last six weeks or so. I feel confused, bewildered, as though I have washed up on a strange shore. I am not entirely sure what to do with myself. I know I am OK. My mood is OK, my thoughts are OK, I am no longer having strange experiences, I can no longer feel the electrodes in my head (*do* I have electrodes in my head, or is that just part of the illness?), I am no longer doing battle with the entire civilisation. I am just me, ordinary, human, but no longer consumed by either elation or fear. And I feel like I need to untangle it all but I don't where to start.

I don't know why I got ill, though probably messing around with my medication didn't help, and I don't know why I got better. I think maybe home *was* useful for me this time, though I hate to be in home, it gave me a small space away from my world and my responsibilities, it got me eating and sleeping again. I have been back there this morning to be officially discharged. I have to go again tomorrow, because I have an appointment with my clients. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain what has happened. I don't know how to explain my life, that is the problem.