Rahman's studio

October 31st, 2008


The guys at Sound Wizard are professional designers of acoustic systems and architectural acoustics. Their clients list boasts of a super superstar.
A R Rahman’s music recording studio was designed and erected by these guys. It’s been something that many of us enjoy to peek into. The pictures and tech details about the studio will do the rest of talking. Thanks to pooja for the pointer.

From roja to sakkarakatti and beyond…

October 30th, 2008

This superbly constructed montage has ARR’s face super imposed on the CD covers of all his movies. This montage was presented to AR Rahman during the Bangalore show by his fans. The image says it’s been created by ARR dB but the site seems to be under cosntruction.
Trivias about the collage
- They presented a 3′ X 2.5′ poster of this montage
- It has all of ARR’s 94
- Originals/Remade/Reused albums
- It was designed by vinit
- ARR liked this gift from his fans, has agreed to keep this in his studio & tell people about it.
- The fans had taken 40 prints of this montage
- postcard sized , he signed in all 40 of them.
BTW, try to spot Kizhakku Cheemayiley out there. Can you ?

Chennai city, floods

October 29th, 2008

Chennai city is under the attack of water for the third time. Though for chennaites its a happy news, the rain seems to have hampered the day-to-day lives of the city and it’s certainly a cause of concern. For a city, full of cheer, to comeback from the rain is going to be a mammoth task.
Not to ramble again, but I do miss the chennai rain while sipping a saravanabhavan kaapi. Wish I was a vairamuthu to be able to send an ode to Chennai starting, Yeh Mazhaiye !!

Malgudi Days is back in ‘Doordarshan’

October 28th, 2008

T.S. Narasimhan, the producer of the hit 80’s television version of R K Narayan’s Malgudi Days is back with the next installment. Shankar Nag who directed the 80’s show, has passed away. The ‘new’ Malgudi Day will be directed by Kavitha Lankesh. And I first read it on rediff, in an interview with Kavitha Lankesh.
To select 15 stories was quite challenging. I had to select new stories, as tales from Swamy and Friends had been done by Shankar Nag. So, I had to read all the works of Narayan again and took stories like Lawley Road, Snake Song, Salt and Sawdust.
I am getting a positive response. You should know that, when Shankar Nag directed the serial, there were more black and white TV sets and no private channels to compete with Doordarshan. Of course, Nag’s efforts were also classy. Things are different now, yet the reactions I have been getting are wonderful. I think my efforts have been widely appreciated.
From the interview, it seems like the broadcast has already begun. I’m sure it will be interesting to watch the post-2K Malgudi Days.

Stephen Devassy in vijay tv

October 27th, 2008

A Only Legend In Piano For AR.Rahman

Stephen Devassy started learning the piano at age 10 and entered the world of music, under the guidance of Leslie Peter who was his first guru. He learnt the organ and then was introduced to the piano by Fr. Thomas at Chetana Music Academy in Thrissur where he completed his Eighth Grade examination conducted by the Trinity College of Music, London
Stephen's first major break came when he was just 18 through Johny Sagarika for whom he did the music orchestration of two songs in the album 'Ishtamannu.' He then went as an accompanying artiste to play the keyboard for Hariharan on his European tour. He has also accompanied the violin maestro L. Subramanian at the Lakshminarayana Global Music Festival.
At 19 he started a music band called Seven along with singers Franco Simon and Sangeeth. A Hindi pop band, they released an album 'Yeh Zindagani.'
Stephen, who started performing at a young age, has done the music arrangement for many films like Majaa, Thambi, Nammal, Azhagiya Thamizh Magan and Hariharan's album, Waqt Par Bolna.
Hariharan Pilla Happy Aanu was his maiden music directorial venture in Malayalam.
He is one of the regular band members in a band called Rex Band, a Christian contemporary band singing gospel fusion. He has had the opportunity to perform before Pope John Paul II. It was the only band from India. Stephen has orchestrated an instrumental version of the popular Rex Band melodies called ‘Different Vibes’.
In association with Kosmic Music, Stephen has also set to tune to a background of western music, Sanskrit slokas, mantras and verses from the Upanishads, called 'Sacred Chants of Kosmic Music,' and albums of holy chants on Ganesha, Shiva and Vishnu.
He has also assisted sarod maestro Amjad Ali Khan with his album on Christmas carols, 'Breaking Barriers.'
He has released his album Romanza which is a mix of world music, sprinkled with the flavour of real piano. Indian Ragaas have been treated with the rich use of contemporary piano. Hariharan, Ouseppachan and a Russian vocalist have appeared as guest artistes on the album.
Stephen’s solo stage shows have propelled him to the top league of on-stage performers.
Recently Stephen Devassy made his first appearance on a Tamil channel by playing for the contestants and playback singers Srinivas (singer), Chinmayi, Sujatha Mohan and Unnikrishnan in the unplugged round for the famous tamil reality music show "Airtel Super Singer". By performing in this show, the critically acclaimed artist has received the name and fame of the common crowd in Tamil Nadu as well.

Stephen is the record holder as Asia’s highest scorer in solo piano exams from Trinity School of Music, London with a score of 92.2%.
He also holds the record of completing the course in three years’ time.
Stephen has been felicitated with a vocational excellence award by the Rotary Club of Cochin Knights, Cochin.

Kuselan photo shoot

October 26th, 2008

[Thanks - Vikatan.com]
Pasupathy talks
I watched kuselan and felt happy. The movie wasn’t great but the artists remained intact. The guy whom we spotted from majja veiyl, Dhool or even in Kannathil Muthamittal is currently one the most wanted character artists in Kollywood. But thats like caging him. A natural actor like him can be used for any character/any film. Knowing this, probably Kamal wanted him to do the silly comical role in Mumbai Express after a vibrant villain in Virumandi.
In his recent interview to Ananda Vikatan[requires uid/pass], Pasupathi talks about his childhood days at Thandaiaarpet and how he was caught into this magical world of theatre acting. Pretty interesting interview where he recalls his past as roaming in streets assuming himself to be Sakalakala Vallavan Kamal. And thats when he joined Kothupattarai that brought him upto speed on theatre acting. I was surprised to know that he was one of the founders of the legendary Magic Lantern theatre group.
Next Films ? An english film where he is Piccha, a poor farmer. Then, Vedikundu murugesan next production. Do we have a Tamil Ram Gopal Varma with Shankar, as expected ?

Musical doldrums

October 25th, 2008

Here is an small extract of what I wrote for Dhwanii's Rumbumbum column, which is yet to be publuished. As you walk through the shops of any bazaar, you could see music CDs from Illayaraja to AR Rahman costing just 50 bucks each. Imagine if you were a prudent buyer what would you prefer. Would you buy the 125 Rs. music CD which contains just music of a single movie or a latest MP3 CD which contains the latest 150 songs from 20 movies for just 50 bucks. Due to this music industry is in doldrums and it needs to be revamped. Things have changed now, I don't even have to go to a foreign bazaar, they are selling brand new MP3 and Video Cds on the roads sitting next to my vegetable vendor. As you get see, Rahmans and Illayarajas are sold like half-a-kilo potatoes. I clicked this pic on sunday as my friend was picking up Best of Illayaraja CD. Pity the Music Industry !!

How india became the capital of the computing revolution

October 24th, 2008

This is a story about the global economy. It's about two countries and one profession - and how weirdly upside down the future has begun to look from opposite sides of the globe. It's about code and the people who write it. But it's also about free markets, new politics, and ancient wisdom - which means it's ultimately about faith.Daniel H. Pink writes in this wired article, The New face of Silicon Age, about the changing phenomenon of outsourcing. Wait. You don't have to think that this is yet another outsourcing information overload. The issue of outsourcing has been handled in a very unbiased way. Some might feel the bias being dealt with subtelty. But at this juncture of sheer biased articles from the international media, this is a very rational summary about both sides of the coin. Though it is very descriptive in content and not totally analytical like economist types, this article is sure to open up a whole new world of truths. Atleast it attempts to do it. A must read if you are in anyway involved with this outsourcing issue or not. Also read The Indian Machine by Chris Anderson, Editor in Chief of Wired.

Indha dhagam perisu

October 23rd, 2008

Pepsi India has also a new hindi tagline called Yeh Pyas Hai Badi which gets translated in Tamil as Indha Dhagam Perisu. This summer, when the water-scarce-Chennai and Chennaites get thirsty, Surya would advice to drink more Pepsi !!

The maestro and the globe

October 22nd, 2008

Best Original Score - Motion Picture
The Curious Case Of Benjamin ButtonComposed by Alexandre Desplat
ChangelingComposed by Clint Eastwood
DefianceComposed by James Newton Howard
Slumdog MillionaireComposed by A. R. Rahman
Frost/NixonComposed by Hans Zimmer
I only hope he gets it. Way to go, buddy !!
BTW, waiting to watch Frost/Nixon.

Ernesto Che Guevara - My Hero

October 21st, 2008

We are More Free Because We are More Fulfilled

The last letter of CHE GUEVARA
Allow me to attempt to come to some conclusions:
We socialists are more free because we are more fulfilled; we are
more fulfilled because we are more free. The skeleton of our
complete freedom is formed, but it lacks the protein substance
and the draperies, we will create them. Our freedom and its daily
sustenance are the colour of blood and swollen with sacrifice.
Our sacrifice is a conscious one; it is in payment for the freedom
we are building. The road is long and in part unknown; we are
aware of our limitations. We will make the 21st century man;
we ourselves. We will be tempered in daily actions, creating a
new human being with a new technology.The personality plays
the role of mobilisation and leadership in so far as it incarnates
the highest virtues and aspirations of the people and does not
become detoured. The road is opened up by the vanguard group,
the best among the good, the Party. the basic raw material of our
work is the youth: in it we place our hopes and we are preparing
it to take the banner from our hands. If this faltering letter has
made some things clear, it will have fulfilled my purpose in sending it.
Accept our ritual greetings, as a handshake or an "Ave María

Why i quit my software proffession ?

October 20th, 2008

Working as a software developer is no fun. One is constantly bombarded with problems that is out side the technical boundary. One unnecessarily spends time on problems other than the one is supposed to solve.

There are plenty of things that kills the developers morale. The management needs to avoid them if they are in real need of getting things done.

1 Asking developers to do meaningless task
2 Having phony deadlines for the projects
3 Having long and meaningless meetings
4 Not recognizing the work
5 Providing no motivation
6 Petty office politics
7 Not having trust on the team
8 Spoiling the team structure
9 Not giving developers responsibilities
10 Ignoring them ...

Many of them may not agree with my suggestion but what ever u say i ll never work for salary.
I need job satisfaction, i ve also seen some difficult personalities worked with me & These personalities may be easily recognizeable

The Know-It-Alls. They are arrogant and usually have an opinion on every issue. When they are wrong, they get defensive.
The Passives. These people never offer ideas or let you know where they stand.
The Dictators. They bully and intimidate. They are constantly demanding and brutally critical.

The Gripers. Is anything ever right with them? They prefer complaining to finding solutions.
The "Yes" People. They agree to any commitment, yet rarely deliver. You cannot trust them to follow through.
The "No" People. They are quick to point out why something won’t work. Worse, they are inflexible.

From my next posts i am going to concentrate on public interests.

Few questions that left me wondering recently...

October 19th, 2008

In general Flickr contact list are huge in number when compared to blogroll entries, why is this?

1 Why do people take phone calls when they are at the cross roads?
2 How do all channels sync their advertising timing?
3 Do I see the same colours that other see?
4 Why it is so easy to procrastinate?
5 Why is commenting on a post so difficult?
6 Why are some music likeable and others not?
7 Why is it difficult to get the software schedule?
8 Why are bugs omnipresent?

Temporary insanity?

October 18, 2008
The only reason I’m writing tonight is because I’m scared.
I’m scared that I’ll never really shake off this depression.
That I’ll always come back to feeling horribly, physically sick
In the stomach from fear and anxiety. That it will end up
Driving away the love of my life. That I won’t be able to work
Full-time without spending all my non-work hours trying to
Recover from the demands of being productive for fifteen hours
A day, five days a week. That a relapse will always hover in the
Shadows, at the edge of my peripheral vision, waiting for the
Moment to strike.
I’m scared that I will end up seeing suicide as a better option than
The alternative, just to escape the constant pain in my head. I’m
Scared that I will end up isolated and alone, as my relatives and
Family slowly lose patience with the wreck thats my depressd self.
I’m scared that I’ll never be able to count on thinking clearly and
Rationally when I need to. I’m scared that every time I get tired,
Due to the demands of life or just not enough sleep, I’m at risk of
Triggering a rapid decline into incapacity.

I hate living with depression, but I also hate the fear and dread that
Is part and parcel of mental illness. It eats away at your self-esteem,
As you realise that you can’t always cope with life’s inevitable ups
And downs. Your personality changes until you look in the mirror
And don’t recognise yourself. I was never fearful of life before,
But depression has given me a glimpse of how an ordinary life can
Become unbearable,Through no fault of my own, or anybody else’s.

All I want is to be convinced that it will be okay, and I will be okay.


October 17th, 2008

The bad news is, I’m physically sick & mentally sick (well, no
Worse than usual, anyhow). As I sit here, alternately shivering
And sweating, I’ve been thinking about illness generally.If i
Get sick, go to bed, and complain loudly. Guess how I’ve spent
My day so far? Actually, it was funny at the chemist’s. I got my
Scripts for the pills and tonics filled, then asked for some extras
Cold and flu tablets,& iron tablets. The total came to over350rs.
I choked slightly at this, and the girl serving me said
Sympathetically, ‘It added up quickly didn’t it?!’ I nodded, and
Said, ‘Well, it’s worth it…. without the drugs I’d be suicidal’.
The poor girl’s eyes widened and she said confusedly, ‘Oh….’
I keep forgetting that mental illness isn’t something people
Generally joke about. Whoops. I must have been standing behind
The door when social awareness was handed out.

Depression: I'm a walking disaster

October 16th, 2008

I cried a lot. A lot. I would cry getting ready for work,
On the way to work, when I got to work….. you get the
Idea. When I cried, I cried for my dad & mom. I kept saying,
‘I miss you dad ! I miss you mom !’
Undoubtedly I did; but I was also crying for the safety of my
Childhood, when I was happy, and when parents could fix everything.
I lost my mind. I would start a sentence and get confused,
And forget what I had begun to say. I would walk around the
House aimlessly, not remembering what I was searching for.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t read books;
they confused me too much.I felt physically sick
In my stomach. This was the anxiety manifesting itself.
I would be driving, and lose chunks of time/space.
I would ‘wake up’ on the highway, not knowing
How I’d got to where I was. (And half the
Time, not remembering where I was going.)
I lost my confidence. I started asking me, ‘Do you love me?’
Because I couldn’t understand how anybody could
Possibly love such a walking disaster.
I lost my ability to feel. When I was at my worst, suicide was
A decent option, and I didn’t feel anything - not love,
Not hate, not concern, not anything. I was numb.
I couldn’t work. On the days I did make it to the office,
I would spend the whole time shifting papers around my desk,
Hoping nobody would notice I wasn’t doing anything substantial.
I just couldn’t concentrate long enough to accomplish anything.
My idea of recreation was sleeping.
My personal hygiene suffered. I would go days without
Having a shower or brushing my teeth. The thought of
Washing my hair was overwhelming; at one point
I went a month without washing it.
(To give you an idea, I normally shower twice a day.)
On the rare occasions I did see my relatives,
I couldn’t follow the general conversation.
It went too quickly, and my brain just heard noise;
It didn’t translate.I would sit there, smiling or
Looking sombre, depending on what
I saw on my relatives’ faces, so they wouldn’t guess
I didn’t understand what was being said.
I forgot words. When I was trying to speak,
I wouldn’t be able to remember the right words for things.
This led to a lot of discussions with all along the lines of,
‘Um, don’t forget the thing you need for um, later, you know,
When you um, you know what I mean……’, followed by tears
Of frustration. I walked around in a permanent fog,
That prevented me from feeling or absorbing things.
I had no motivation to do anything at all. When I wasn’t working,
On bad days, I would lie on the bed, mind blank.

Depression: things I miss

October 15th, 2008

I went to besant nagar beach alone today. Seeing the beach
After such a long time reminded me of how different I am,
And my life is, since I’ve been depressed. So, I thought I’d
Cheer myself up and do a list of all the things I miss from my
Pre-mentalist (to borrow an expression from
mentallyinteresting.com) days.

1. I miss feeling invincible. Now when I get up in the morning,
It’s like there’s a question mark over everything. Will this be a
Good day? Will I cope well? Badly? Not at all?
2. I miss having a mind drive.
3. I miss being effortlessly good at my business. With the
Depression, I have good and bad days. But even on my good days,
I don’t function as well at work as I used to.
4. I miss having the energy to do stuff. Even though I’ve always
Loved my sleep, I still was able to power through a working week,
Then spend all weekend running around doing stuff. No longer.
5. I miss seeing my friends. I’ve really become reclusive since
My mental health went downhill. My friends have been wonderful,
But there’s only so much contact you can have with somebody who
Doesn’t go out, won’t respond to emails, doesn’t pick up the phone,
Etc, etc.

Ugh. I think I’ve managed to further depress myself. But I really
Wanted to make a list of the stuff I miss, because it is important to
Me, and if I can’t vent here, where the f.... can I?

48 hours

October 14th, 2008

I’ve been awake for 48 hours. My body is wreaked but my
Mind is racing. Thoughts of home and family.
I’ve taken two ativan 5mg's with no effect.

Depression: illness vs disability

October 13th, 2008

I started thinking about what depression really is ! The other day,
When I was at the shops. Pretty much everyone’s heard that
Old gag, that disabled people get the best parking spots.
(I apologise if I offend.) Anyhow, I started thinking about
Disability and depression. What makes depression an illness
And not a disability? Can it become a disability? And if so, how
Do I get an ACCORD sticker??(Yes,I know I'm going to burn in hell)
I suppose the main difference (which is not actually contained in
The above definitions) is that an illness is considered to be
Temporary, whereas a disability is permanent. So while some
People suffer all their lives from depression, the majority either
Recover fully or have significant periods of remission. People who
Have had their legs amputated, however, are n’t known for
Suddenly growing them back. Therefore not only do you have to
Be permanently ill for it to be considered a disability as such, but
There must be no precedent set of general recovery from your
Illness (or disability, I guess).
However, I have to say that, along with pneumonia (which I had
For last three months), depression is the most disabling condition
I’ve ever suffered from. Whether or not it’s permanent in my case,
I have no way of telling. But it’s certainly something which has
Acted as a defining period of my life, in much the same was as
Moving out of home, getting my first professional business, and
Meeting ANIPRA were defining events. It’s also something which
Has shed personal understanding on my whole life, both backward
Before the depression hit, and forward in terms of how I view future
Life choices. I can’t cope with life for myself when I’m not well-how
On earth would I be a human as well?
Anyhow, I think this post is a lot of rambling crap, but it’s been on
My mind lately, together with my prognosis. I’d love to know what
The future holds…. or maybe not.


October 12th, 2008

1. Why do people press the toothpaste in the middle, even when it is new?
2. Why do people sitting in the front seat of the car stretch their legs so much, thereby touching the gear? Its so annoying changing gears!
3. Why is the First Citizen desk in Shoppers Stop, Chennai, hidden inside the lingerie section?
4. Why do people try to talk/walk while brushing the teeth? Ewwww
5. Why do people keep replying to the mail with subject ‘Good Morning’, till evening? At least change the subject line
6. Why do people give running commentary while traveling, on where the train is? Once after starting and once before reaching is acceptable. But every 1 hour?
7. Why do strangers play with your car radio antenna, when its parked?

Don't you ever get sick of feeling sick about it?

October 11th, 2008

yes I f...... do
Trying to drum up some energy or something, anything, to drown
Out the different parts of my mind. Not much bouncing today, just
A lot of "can't cope", "want to die" and "you are evil"

I found my care plan from the ward earlier. It mentions my "symptom
Of not knowing what is reality and what is not". Which reminds of the
Report my first therapist wrote in which he said I had "problems in
Thinking" and "confusion over reality". Then there was the physcatrist
Who was going to do some CBT work with me until I showed her some
Of my thoughts and then she started muttering about complex
Philosophical issues and slowly backed away.

Today I was talking to a social worker from the crisis team about the
Way I felt earlier this year and the way I feel now. She asked if I felt
Lonely back then,and I said no,because back then I had the universe.
I don't think she understood what I meant. But when you feel you've
Been sent to heal the world it gives you a certain amt of energy and
Purpose. Then you find that maybe u're just mildly insane and you
Have to start figuring it all out again from first principles. These days
People say I am thinking (-)vely when I feel I am just being realistic
And learning from experience. After all,I have spent much of my life
Filled with grand ideas, but have achieved exactly zilch.
And I still don't know what reality is.

Sliding into depression

October 10th, 2008

I can feel myself slipping into depression. I don’t know how
To arrest my fall. I have no logical reasons to feel down apart
From my utter lack of self worth because of a dreary job that
A trained monkey could do. I should probably take some time
Off but where would I go? What would I do? All the web pages
I’ve looked on say not to isolate yourself but that’s all I want to
Do. I want to curl up in a damp, dank little hole and cry.
My friends don’t understand. One even told me that I’d know
where she was if I needed her. As if I can ask for help. I don’t
Even know what I need less still what I want. The doctor here is
Useless and treats me as if I’m making things up even when I
Have a physical symptom. What should I do? All I want to do is cry.

Stop Drinking & Smoking

October 9th, 2008

First things first… I have just DRINKED my last
DRINK before sending this post.
I know I know, I can already hear all of y’all scream and shout.
I was supposed to give up on 31st.
But I didn’t (which is one of the reasons I was avoiding posting).
I tried my best… but I”m sorry I couldn’t then… but
I have now… so please don’t give me grief… instead support me now.

Second step: get back to sleeping early.

Third: Work out religiously.

4th: Get back on my healthy diet.

5th: Just stick to the above 4 for a while before taking the 5th step.

Things can only get better!

October 8th, 2008

From today on wards I'm going to write about my daily dramas
Let us see.....

Actually feeling less crappy today. Possibly because I got
Through round one of a very competitive business process. I beat
300 people. That makes me feel good. I am scared of letting
This fabulous opportunity slip away now but I must be strong
And think positively and work it out babe. So tonight I’m going
To drink costly vodka and compete in a table quiz.

Home again

October 7th, 2008

Home again, and I keep crying, not in a proper howling way, but kind of randomly here and there while I'm doing something else, and with no clear understanding of why.

I have to be at home, I have to learn to be ok at home again, because the other hospital is nothing but an overheated holding tank, an environment which seems designed to push me right to the edge. I'm frustrated with a system where you have to fight for every little bit of useful help - and where everybody seems to agree with your complaints, but yet you have to go on making them.

I seem to be collecting bits and pieces of poems about depression and the such-like. Somehow it is a comfort that other people have not only known these feelings but been able to express them so well - that nod of recognition that makes me feel less alone.

I found this the other day:

"It wakes when I wake, walks
when I walk, turns back when I
turn back, beating me to the door.

It spoils my food and steals
my sleep, and mocks me, saying,
"Where is your God now?"

And so, like a widow, I lie down
after supper. If I lie down
or sit up it's all the same:

the days and nights bear me along.
To strangers I must seem
alive. Spring comes, summer;

cool clear weather; heat, rain . . ."

- Jane Kenyon

Wired & far away

October 6th, 2008

I dreamed about being full of energy and completely hyper, which
Seems a little ominous. It also seems a little ominous that the
Ativan 10 mg didn't keep me asleep quite so well last night, though
I did still have to hold onto things for a while when I first got up.

I still feel strange and disconnected, but have come up with the idea
That it may have something to do with zopiclone withdrawal which
Apparently can have symptoms such as "anxiety, tachycardia,
Tremor, sweats, flushes, palpitations, derealisation,and further
Insomnia". I took zopiclone regularly until about ten days ago. When
You also factor in that I've had rather a lot of lorazepam over the last
Three months and now have none, things feel like they might make
Sense. Withdrawal symptoms listed for lorazepam "include headaches,
Anxiety, tension, depression, insomnia, restlessness, confusion,
Irritability, sweating, dysphoria, dizziness, derealization,
Depersonalization, numbness/tingling of extremities, hypersensitivity
To light, sound, and smell, perceptual distortions, nausea, appetite loss,
Hallucinations, delirium, seizures, tremor, stomach cramps, myalgia,
Agitation, palpitations, tachycardia, panic attacks,
short-term memory loss, and hyperthermia."

Oh the joys of medication!

Still, it lets me think that maybe eventually I might feel a little bit more
Well than I do now. I tried to explain this to my family when they
Visited earlier, that I just don't feel quite right, I just don't feel very well.
They tried to feed me positive thoughts - congratulating me on having
Done some washing up, reminding me that there was a time I couldn't
Even speak to them and now we have actual conversations, pointing out
That I've been in hospital a long time & I'm obviously trying hard to
Cope & doing much better than I was. Which I guess is all true, it's just
Hard to accept that these little things have to be counted as
Achievements in my World.

I noticed that I keep flipping into thinking that since I'm not in
Hospital I must be fine and should be doing all sorts of useful things,
Including getting a business,instead of drifting from sofa to the
compdesk & back again, struggling even to concentrate on television,
And staring at the walls a lot. But I just don't seem to be able to get
Hold of myself, I can't get Going, I feel so weird and far away.

Apollo Dhinangal - Sujatha

October 5th, 2008

Ananda Vikatan publishes Sujatha’s final column named
Apollo Dhinangal. He wrote this column on the 18th day
Of hospitalization just before slipping away into coma.
Desikan, Sujatha’s official biographer and good friend writes
About the Sujatha’s final moments in a touching column that
Throws light on a different/unknown side of Sujatha.


October 4th, 2008

So I am coming home on sunday.

I will still be sectioned but I'll be on leave. I'll go to the day unit during
The week and the crisis team will call me at the weekends. I'll get
Medication from the Doctor on a weekly basis. If I don't cope there will
Be a bed for me at the other hospital.

At the moment I have no idea how this is going to go. Either I will do
Really well and stay at home, or I will crash and end up back in hospital.
The big advantage of this plan though, is that whatever happens,
I miss the move.

Can you imagine anything more nightmarish than trying to organise 25
Or so patients with varying degrees of illness, to gather up all their
Belongings and move, and then settle into a new ward with a new layout?
While also moving all the staff and the paperwork and the equipment?
I just think Monday is going to be a day from hell, and this way
I won't have to endure it, I'll be able to go to therapy instead...

There's no pleasing some people

October 3rd, 2008

(i.e) me
When I'm in the hospital I want to be at home. When I'm at home - well,
I don't want to be in the hospital, but I don't want to be at home either.
I'd just rather like not to be anywhere at all.

My family took me back to hospital last Sunday evening. Now I'm home
Again on overnight leave. I probably shouldn't be surprised I'm
Struggling, But somehow I am. Surprised that is. And struggling too.

It's no good though. I realised last week, while exploring the
Possibilities of hanging myself from the bed lamp, that I am far too
Chicken to actually kill myself. And since I won't make an attempt
That has any possibility of failure, Then in reality I am quite safe.
I just feel foul. Panicky and just plain bad.

(Ok, so that sounds very negative. I'm actually doing quite well.
Working quite hard at it, but doing quite well. All things considered.

Hospital at home

October 2nd, 2008

I came home this morning. At the moment I'm keeping safe by kind of kidding myself that I'm just in hospital at home, which I kind of am, except of course I'm not. My mood is basically nowhere, I'm pretty much disconnected, and couldn't tell you what I thought or felt about anything, especially the last few months.

Home has distinct advantages, it's true. Like I've just been sat on my chair watching hours of my pc. No more watching the majority choice. And my chair is comfortable, unlike the seats at the hospital which I think were chosen to *look* modern and welcoming and accessible without any consideration of what they were actually like to use. Bit like services themselves, then.

And I don't have to put up with other people's stinkiness. Madness smells, mostly. And my bay was right next to the toilets. Not pleasant.

But hospital was at least warm. I'm going to have to adapt to a much colder climate now. I'd forgotten just how cold my house is.

Also at hospital there was the joy that is PRN medication. Here I come to one of insanities of mental health care. In hospital you are basically trained to take medication when things get difficult. Nurses offer it whenever you struggle, and indeed I was encouraged to ask for it and praised when I did. Now I'm at home I have to manage without. Hence I have invested in a bottle of vodka. Strictly medicinal, of course. I'm currently trying to decide when is a respectable time to open it.

Selfishness and Forgiveness

October 1st, 2008

What I'm planning is selfish. I know that. But I keep thinking of a
Line of poetry - "life can be confirmed even in suicide". I have lived
A life that is long enough. I have experienced many things, and been
To many places. There is nothing left that I want to do, except
genuinely love someone, And my history has made that as an impossibility.
I am twenty eight years old. I have been struggling with my mind
Since from the last month. I sorted out the eating problems.
I don't self-harm. I have prayed , I have believed,
I have fought, and fought, and fought again & again.
I am tired. I no longer have the faith that once I had. I just want peace.

I have six people I count they are my life, and I wish I could avoid
Hurting them. But two of them live far away, and they all have families,
And lives I would not leave such a huge hole in. I hope that eventually
They would forgive me, even if they didn't fully understand.