September 30th, 2008

Well, I've been discharged from hospital and taken off my section.
Since I was just getting to the point of admitting I needed to go back
In it's perhaps not the best timing, but my attempts to explain that
Were interpreted as "ambivalence and anxiety" about being discharged.
Which afraids me off somewhat.

I don't suppose it matters much either way really. I'm in hell at the
Moment, I have lost everything that gave my life meaning and
I see no way forward. Being in hospital wouldn't change that, and
Since my consultant refuses to try different medication there's no
Possibility of anything helping from that direction.

I feel like I have reached the end of the road. There are limits to
Strength and the ability to tolerate suffering, and I seem to have run
Right into mine.


September 29th, 2008

Few Photos and Posts are password protected for some personal reasons.

Password : prabhu


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Starting Out/Starting Over

September 28th, 2008

I planned to begin this blog with a positive statement about what it was going to be, what its intention and purpose was. I felt I had a clarity about why I wanted to share my journey, how it might help me.

Unfortunately that clarity turned out to be a brief moment in what seems to be an extended crisis. So I shall have to start as I would rather not go on but suspect I will - in chaos.

I am scared. I keep getting disoriented and having perceptual distortions. I went into town today to walk around because I was pacing in the house and I became aware I was behaving oddly, making repetitive movements with my hands, muttering, jigging up and down when I stopped to look at something. I started to lose my understanding of where I was or what I was doing, I felt I might just end up lying on the pavement, it was hard to navigate myself home.

I saw my friend and told her how I don't feel in control, how I am all over the place. I think she saw that too - I went from being paralysed and barely able to respond, to expressing fear and how tired I was, to telling her about the angry voice in my head, to then swearing with anger about something one of the consultants had said to me. We talked about me maybe going on the ward for a couple of nights, as a rest and respite. I actually felt relieved to discuss it - I felt it would help to have a break from the responsibility of keeping myself safe, over and over again.

So that's where I am now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to be more positive and talk about "recovery"

Sitting on the couch…

September 27th, 2008

“Last night my mom and I were spending some time talking about things while sitting on the couch…

we went into discussing life and death for some reason…

I told her:

‘mom, do not ever let me living like a vegetable, depending on machines and fluids coming from a bottle. If you ever see me like that, unplugg me, I’d rather die.

My mom got up amazed, and immediately ran around the house, disconnecting my  Computer, IPod, XBOX!!

Then she got rid of all my things!