Two Minute Review : Pasanga

May 31st, 2009

Cast: Vega, Vimal, Jeeva
Director: Pandiraj
Music: James Vasanthan

One can’t recall whether any film having a bunch of ‘children’ as the protagonists has released in the recent memory of Tamil films. Usually, the characters of children in Tamil films always speak more than their age; it has almost become a general norm in Tamil films that the children’s speeches belie their actual age.‘Pasanga’ breaks this artificial depiction and has shown the children as they are. The film is certain to rekindle in all the adults their school-day memories. ‘Pasanga’ isn’t meant only for children, it actually makes very good viewing for adults.

The story revolves around the trio of friends in Jeeva, Pakkoda and Kuttimani full of mischief and studying in a small town school. A new student, Anbukkarasu, is liked by both the fellow students and the teachers as well. Jeeva, the hitherto hero of the school, develops hatred towards Anbukkarasu. Things turn bad when the hatred spills over to their respective families.

Anbu’s Uncle and Jeeva’s sister fall in love with each other, paving way for the cessation of enmity between the families. Even the marriage doesn’t break the ice between Anbu and Jeeva. Whether or not did they become friends again is what the rest of the story is all about.

Jeeva, who played the young Jeeva in the film ‘Katradhu Tamizh’, plays the major role here and has emoted well, especially with his expressive eyes that spew hatred in a realistic manner. The boy playing Anbu too has done an excellent job. Pakkoda and Kuttimani have done their parts admirably. The director has made all the children act in a casual manner without them being camera-conscious. Vega, who appeared ultra-glamourously in ‘Saroja’, appears in homely costumes and has put in a good performance. Vimal, Vega’s lover has a boy-next-door look and emotes aptly.

The first half is full of the typical mischievous dramas indulged in by over-enthusiastic school students. The subtle humour that runs throughout the entire length of the film ensures that the viewers don’t get bored. Only when the school boy feels for his inability to take part in the cycle race for want of a cycle does his father think about his own life in a serious manner. The story writer has brought out to the fore in an excellent manner how the ‘differences’ between parents play major roles in the growth and the overall development of their own children.

Dr. Balamuralikrishna’s song in the music of James Vasanthan leaves you asking for more. The picturisation only adds to the mood of the song. Cinematography and editing are quite good.

Debutant director Pandiraj deserves kudos for not compromising with the screenplay and dishing out an enjoyable fare.

Why Is It So Hard?

May 30th, 2009

Things are really starting to become clear to me, yet recovery still eludes me. Why is it so hard? I know the answer, I don’t think I know, I KNOW the answer on how to recover yet it doesn’t make recovery any easier.

I know that negative thoughts make me feel worse. Make me feel physically ill. Yet I can’t stop. I guess I should start doing my CBT exercises again. I am getting better at it but I tend to look at it in black & white terms. My doctor on the other hand takes a different view of it. He always says things like “well, these bad thoughts used to come every minute and now they come every 5 minutes, thats progress.” Which he is right, it is a progression but to my mind its either there or not, its hard for me to appreciate the progress I’ve made towards recovery.

The Clouds Leave & The Rain Falls

May 29th, 2009

Walking around life with anxiety, for me anyway, is a lot like having your head stuffed full of cotton, you feet in quick sand and every where else the thickest fog you have ever seen.

As I have progressed through therapy the symptoms of anxiety have begin to lessen, slowly, month by month. Within the past couple of weeks I have felt the clouds of anxiety fall away. I no longer felt like I was walking around in quicksand. My head was clear. The world around me came into focus and was beautiful.

I should be happy right?

Well yes, and I am happy but I’m also finding out that I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m emotional all the time. As I see what the world has to offer, I’m bitter about all the time I have lost to this incident. I cry inside at the sight of a billboard, a commercial, or a song on the radio. Simple things jog memories of time gone by.

The weirdness is lifting and raw emotions are left open for the world to see. I hope my friends and family can put up with me during this phase of my recovery because the other side of the mountain looks so amazing from here.

Nervous As Hell

May 28th, 2009

I was feeling really good yesterday so I really pushed myself. I went grocery shopping, I worked in the yard, I went for a bike ride. However today, my body seems a bit upset with me. Couple that with lunch today with family and I am nervous as hell.I just don’t know how to deal with the anticipation, I want it to be over with NOW!

Going To The Gym

May 27th, 2009

So today marked my first day going to the gym officially. Let’s see if this can help on that Biggest Loser contest…

So the clock (well, cell phone clock) struck 5:00 this morning and started to ring and wake me up, and I stumbled up and out of bed, shambling around the room like a drunken lunatic trying to get ready and be at the gym when it opened at 6:00. After finding the bag that would actually fit everything I thought I would need into it, I set off for my first day at the gym.
The ride was pretty uneventful, time in Pollachi gave me enough of a lesson on how to move with the cars so you don’t go flying head over heels when the things come to a stop. I made it to the gym in time (it’s on the third floor of a residencial apartment about a half mile from my home), got things taken care of, and went to work trying to not lose the contest we’d set up; it was all right for a first day, I didn’t do anything to embarass myself and I managed well enough without speaking much in tamil, so I enjoyed it. After a quick shower and shave, I had my breakfast.

A Bad Few Days

May 26th, 2009

I’ve been overly stressed the last few days, I’m wondering if it is the pressure of the holiday season. My anxiety has been very high and I’ve been bad. I ran to Dr. Google to diagnose whatever it is I’m suffering from. So frustrating.

How To Accept

May 25th, 2009

At this point, I’d say that 80% of the physical symptoms of my disorder have all but vanished. I should be excited, right? Well, I think so too, yet my mind fixates on that last 20%. I could go a whole day and only feel one physical symptom, yet my mind will grasp onto that symptom like it is the last piece of bread on earth. As I thought about why, it started to make sense, I still have not fully accepted my diagnosis. So everytime I feel something physical in my body, my brain kicks into over drive. Rather than say “oh, ok that is a common reaction to anxiety and stress, I’ll note it and move it” oh no, my internal dialog is more like “what the hell was that? I thought I was getting better. This is a sure sign that sometime horrible has gone wrong. Is it a brain tumor? Is it a headache this time? What is this? Do I call the doctor? What do I do?” and of course everything falls apart at that point.

Can anyone give me some advice on how I can accept my diagnosis? I would greatly appreciate it. I think until I can accept, I will be destined to fail.

Changing Behavior

May 24th, 2009

I came across some interesting information on changing behavior and brain chemistry.

You need 3-6 weeks of consistent action to begin to see some real noticeable results in your behavior changes. However, the brain seeks to return to the old baseline for about 3-6 months. So when you do not follow through with your changed behavior the brain will gravitate back to the original unbalanced baseline.

It takes 6-12 months of compliance with the new behavior to affect the enzymatic changes that change the brain chemistry baseline. When the baseline brain chemistry changes you are less subject to day to day drastic swings. The new behaviors that keep an optimal brain chemistry for you then become part of what you naturally do.


May 23rd, 2009

Relaxing outside with a friend recently, I got a word to think on. My friend remarked, “How fortuitous your life events have been.” With extreme puzzlement, I responded, with the predictable “what?”

I don’t consider myself a person who is filled with opportunity. I learned in early adulthood that if I needed something to happen, I was going to have to work hard. Equally, I learned that oftentimes hard work is not enough. My thinking evolved from early experiences. My life has consisted of much loss, trauma, and victimization.

And that is without the diagnosis of bipolar riding along. Fortuity would not be how I would define my life events. I asked my friend to give reason to his offerring. He said, “You don’t get to choose the things that happen to you, they choose you. The past now years ago (and healed through years of therapy) have positioned you to be the person you are. Equally, the current distress you undergo, places you in your path for the future.”

Maybe, my life is becoming more aggreable. Not because one excellent thing after another is happening. I have found peace with the past, acceptance of the now, and hope for my future. The look of all, is a bit shabby. I just work hard at it. As I perfect my abilities, more favor comes.


May 22nd, 2009

Kanthasamy may be good but the trailer sucks ! And the audio release function that was live broadcasted on Sun TV was a mass jalra event just like any other kollywood function. Wonder why Rahman was even sitting there the whole time.

I suspect the whole effort just because of the way Dhanu promotes his movies and then turns back on his heroes if the movie sucks in box-office. Susi and Vikram are betting big time on this movie but I have my own doubt. The premise of the movie that talks about a super-hero is all fine but I’m not sure how it would be executed on-screen. Let’s wait for the movie but meanwhile, I’m going to quit watching every single kollywood event like this.

Few Doubts !

May 21st, 2009

How the concepts of clockwise and anticlockwise will be taught when all analogue clocks have been replaced with digital ones ?

As most of the time the cheques are issued to account holders, why not have A/C payee as a default option on all the cheques? If some one is using it the other way then he can strike it out. Writing out a cheque will then become a bit simple.

I wonder how do the tongue and teet synchronize their movements? What kind of feed back mechanism exist between them, so that teeth don’t step on the fleshy tongue ? This I am thinking after I bit my tongue Ouch….

Two Minute Review : Rashomon - Three men and some truth

May 20th, 2009

The moment anything is reported or written, truth suffers. This is one of the most fundamental points in reporting news. The eye witness narrative is the most sought out at such times. At all possibility, the eye witness brings his perspective of the news. The moment a perspective is brought in, subjectivity creeps in. He selects which part of the news has to be told, which part of the news he remembers, which part he forgets and which part he compels himself to hide. Thus selection of the scene from eye witness becomes inevitable. Finally, the truth suffers. So what happens when truth suffers?

I copy pasted the above paragraph from Virumandi movie review without any changed. And that suits Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon. Rather it’s the other way. But blame it on me watching Rashomon only now. Rashomon can be celebrated as one of the best all-time movies. I would personally say it’s the most simplest movie ever taken. With the story, screenplay, camera, sets, costumes and all being so simple, the movie was terrific. It was a quaintly gripping. Rashomon is certainly a tour-de-france in it’s own way. For a B &W movie, it had elements of international cinema which could be referenced and debated even now.

Rashmon, a place of workship which was once a building of faith is in shambles. Three men discuss on a extra-ordinary event which two of them witnessed. Eachone has a version of the story. Where the heck is truth. It’s said that the story of Rashomon was built from a shortstory called, In the Grove by Ryunosuke Akutagawa. But it was Kurosawa’s dealing with it made it a evergreen classic. Even in such a negative thread that runs throughout the movie it’s Kurosawa’s brilliance that made all them seem positive at the end. The last scene where the wood cutter walks with
the newborn talks volumes about the gist of the movie. The woodcutter with his heads raised, walks away from Rashomon, carrying the kid in his hand and the sun shining behind him. Metaphorically, the promise for a better future lies only with such altruistic random acts of people, at times of emergency. Class act !!.

I am not sure if the building Rashomon was an erected set or not but it was completely realistic and the rain was perfect. It brought in the required tension without any 360 degree panned jimmy-jip angles. The chasing scenes had some amazing shots with the camera rushing down a bushy slope. Something I got to see for the first time only in Mani Ratnam’s Pagal Nilavu song. Akira Kurosawa must have been an expert even before he shot Rashomon to have such clarity in the scene sequencing techniques. The protagonist Toshirô Mifune as Tajomoru just walked with best actor award.

For those who haven’t seen, watch it without expectations. You can be positive that you will be rewarded in the end.


May 19th, 2009

Alive and managing through Tancodep to stave off being admitted/mania

More to follow

Prabakaran Shot dead

May 18th, 2009

TAMIL Tiger leader Velu-pillai Prabhakaran has been killed as he tried to flee, the Sri Lankan army said today.

They said DNA tests were being done to confirm the identity of his badly burned body.

Two of his commanders died alongside him when their vehicle was ambushed as they tried to escape government troops who had cornered them.

Earlier, at least three senior rebel leaders were killed, including Prabhakaran's eldest son, Charles Anthony, the military said.

State TV broadcast images of what it said was Charles Anthony's body and news of his father's death was sent to mobile phones across Sri Lanka by the information ministry.

There are unanswered questions & doubts on his encounter

Prabakaran was killed today ?

How was DNA results available so quickly if he shot dead today ?

Did his body was found near Nandhi kadal langoon ?

How exactly Prabakaran was killed ?

Why did a man so hunted carry an ID on him ?

Is this double, LTTE chief had many like sadam ?

How Prabakaran tried to break the army ?

Was Prabakaran died when army found him ?

Was Prabakaran killed in 2 hrs gun battle ?

Any how its a great sad day for Tamils all over in the world. Let us salute the
Brave Leader Mr. Velupillai Prabakaran

A Sinhalese speaks out against the genocide of Tamils

May 17th, 2009

Bernard Jayathilake :

Bernard just wrote to us all saying “US White House is taking a vote for Sri Lanka for ceasefire. Pls dial 001 202 456 1414 and say………… No to ceasefire in Sri Lanka. Pls stay till one answers you.”
That is right lets not have a ceasefire because….
We are only 158th on the list of worst media rights offender…we still have seven more to work on…so lets not let Human Right prevail yet.
We have been listed in the top 8 of the genocide watch list but we are not yet the first ….we need more time to get there…so lets not have a ceasefire yet.
We have chased out 1.5 million Tamils out of Sri Lanka but there is another 2 million…so ceasefire yet.
We have only killed 100,000 Tamils….we still have work to do…so no ceasefire yet.
We have made only 40,000 Tamil women widows…we need more time to finish the ones left…so no ceasefire yet.

We have empty cells in our police stations and Tamils are still roaming the streets of Colombo…so no ceasefire yet.
We haven’t put enough people in concentration camps yet.
We have vans still looking for people to disappear.
Our guns still have bullets and we need more tamils to finish it off.
We haven’t killed enough Tamils yet. And therefore no ceasefire yet.
We have rid ourselves of Lasantha, Sivaram, and host of other thorns but we still have more to finish so lets not have peace yet..
We have gotten rid of five Tamil MPs but we still have 22 …so lets not have a ceasefire.
We have managed to kill only 65 humanitarian workers in the last few years…and you and I know there are more of those where they come from…!
So lets not have ceasefire.
We still have poor sons and daughters of the south with no jobs….
We still have to eak our living by selling our sons to paedophiles…
We still have to send our women to middle east to wash and clean to put food on our tables…
And we need our people to not know all this…for that we need to have the war on…so lets not have ceasefire.
We have signed off an Hambantota, Mannar, Trinco and KKS but we still have Colombo…so no ceasefire yet,
We have begged for money from all countries but we haven’t approached Somalia yet,
Our country has one week of reserve money still….so lets not have a ceasefire yet,
Lets not have a ceasefire until every single Tamil is wiped off the face of Sri Lanka…
Lets not have a ceasefire until we have bankrupted our country…
Lets not have a ceasefire until every one in the world knows who we are for what we have done.
Let us continue with the slaughter…
Let us continue with the genocide…
Let us continue to make this world a living hell!
Because we are chosen sons and daughters of Buddha.
Let us continue…
Let us make our Gotabaya’s words a reality…
“Let our soldiers feast on Tamil women while the Tamil men’s blood drip into the ocean and make it red”.
Let us make war…Let us kill more Tamils…Let us rid the world of another race…
So please make the call to the Whitehouse and let them know that our guns won’t be silenced until the last tamil falls.
Afterall we are the followers of Buddha dhamma.
Thank you,

Bipolar Success

May 16th, 2009

I have been thinking about what successful victims of chronic depressive disorder do. From my experience, my therapist and psychiatrists’ input, group therapy, and of course fellow bloggers, I have compiled a list.

We take our medication as prescribed and follow our psychs plan for us diligently.

Are we victims? Yes, maybe, however, can we see our illness as the means to understand ourselves? As Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind, Vintage Books) writes:

“I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness . . . I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved. . . . Laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters…” We can pray for acceptance and even further to embrace our disease as a means to bring about a more passionate life.

As persons with chronic depressive disorder , we seek out those who can help us and rid ourselves from those that do us harm.

We go easy on ourselves. The smallest accomplishment is a great victory.

Journaling is our redemption. We cleanse ourselves of toxins and use our own words for healing and hope.

We read. Anything we can get our hands on that might help us with our journey.

Our support system is strong. It is our lifeline. When we are desperate, depressed, and devastated, we call upon others for strength.

We advocate for ourselves and others. I believe this is what makes us feel strong. Letting go of what we can’t change and picking up the things we can (and working those things with all our might) gives us purpose.

I hope and pray for success in the journey. For all of us.~

Quick Update

May 14th, 2009

Today I am going to Chennai to recive my Perima & Peripa from Sanfrancisco after four and half months Iam going to see them. So I am little more nervous and busy too. Bye! see you tomorrow.

One Day Down

May 13th, 2009

Today, I can't take it. The loneliness, the boredom. I'm going to take enough medicine to sleep through the day, and after that, I don't know. I guess it will be night and time to take my medication for bed. One day successfully down.

Help or “Bipolar Can vs Bipolar Will”

May 12th, 2009


This is mainly for any of you who read a post after doing a search and landing here then being good enough to hit front page and read a little more. That’s right you with your hand on the mouse.

You have now read part of a bipolar recovery blog. If you read more you only get some of my story, though quite honest this blog as well all others, journals too, are self-censoring, and really you need to hear lots of stories because there is a difference between what bipolar can do and what bipolar can’t do that isn’t obvious if you just read one post.

See I have been reading Bipolar Disorder the Ultimate Guide and my “journey” * with bipolar can only be half pieced together by what the vox pop quotes relate. So what bipolar has done and will do to me, is significantly different from what it could do to anyone else.

I hope, dear readers, you are all collectively going “duh!” It feels a little self-congratulatory to be offering advice on what sites and books to read but if you trust my judgement at all go here: help this is just a page of links and a little blurb about the sites.

Thanks for reading.

Two Minute Review : Balachander’s Nizhal Nijamakirathu

May 11th, 2009

Watching K Balachander’s Nizhal Nijamakirathu, few things cleared up. One - this is one of those movies that truly exploited Kamal’s bharathanatyam talent. Two - We probably miss natural talents like Hanumanthu and Mouli in Kollywood, these days. Three - Other than the dancing part, Kamal smokes in every damn scene.

Offlate, I’ve been watching KB movies in a row. It all started with Jaathi Malli. I have questions on why Balachander directed the movie in the first place.. The movie sucked in very other aspect except for the interesting MadanBob /Dhamu sequences and Maragadamani’s music. Then it was Kamal’s Manmadaleelai, which was a mediocre effort by KB and Kamal, keeping in mind the classy films they were delivering at that time.

The storyline seems cliched now but in yesteryears it must have been a decently interesting one. More than the rape you-marry you story, it was the cast ensemble that elevated the pleasure of watching this flick. It had Kamal as a smoking communist with intelligent dialogues just like Sujatha’s protagonist. Sarathbabu playing as usual, the sucker friend. Sumitra as the feminist and the classy Shoba playing her debut as a rich-dreams-poor-girl. These four characters alongwith Hanumanthu, Mouli and Oru veral Krishnarao make the entire movie cast. Its truly KB’s talent to blend these characters in a fashion that makes the movie interesting.

Hanumanthu is a gem of an actor. Natural talent. Not a single shot he seemed to ‘act’. The expression, body language and dialogue delivery was just perfect. I’ve seen him in other Mouli ’s films but this was probably his finest performance. I’ve heard people talk about him but I’m not sure he was regarded as a classy actor in his time.

Though the entire film looks just like a stage drama, it was fun to watch Kamal play a semi-baddy. Kamal’s characterisation reminded me of Prashant ‘reverse-talking’ role in Agathiyan’s Kaathal Kavithai. If you could grab you hands on the video, you are certainly not wasting your time.

Chennai Super Kings website

May 10th, 2009

TeamMatchWonLostTiedN/RPointsNet RR
Chennai Super Kings10630113+1.22
Delhi Daredevils8620012+0.20
Rajasthan Royals10540111-0.11
Deccan Chargers9540010+0.12
Punjab Kings10550010-0.45
Royal Challengers945008-0.40
Mumbai Indians935017+0.39
Kolkata Knight Riders917013-1.10
Chennai Super Kings website is up and well designed.

The players listing page has some bad mugshots of the players and takes the spirit away. Hope someone is working on them.

They also have a bad logo and it just exactly like cement company brand.

Thanks to Abhi for the site info.

CHE’s Farewell Letter To Fidel Castro

May 9th, 2009


March, 1965



At this moment I remember many things — when I met you in Marfa Antonia’s house, when you suggested my coming, all the tensions involved in the preparations.

One day they asked who should be notified in case of death, and the real possibility of that fact affected us all. Later we knew that it was true, that in revolution one wins or dies (if it is a real one). Many comrades fell along the way to victory.

Today everything is less dramatic, because we are more mature. But the fact is repeated. I feel that I have fulfilled the part of my duty that tied me to the Cuban Revolution in its territory, and I say good-bye to you, the comrades, your people, who are already mine.

I formally renounce my positions in the national leadership of the party, my post as minister, my rank of major, and my Cuban citizenship. Nothing legal binds me to Cuba. The only ties are of another nature — those which cannot be broken as appointments can.

Recalling my past life, I believe I have worked with sufficient honor and dedication to consolidate the revolutionary triumph. My only serious failing was not having confided more in you from the first moments in the Sierra Maestra, and not having understood quickly enough your qualities as a leader and a revolutionary.

I have lived magnificent days, and I felt at your side the pride of belonging to our people in the brilliant yet sad days of the Caribbean crisis.

Seldom has a statesman been more brilliant than you in those days. I am also proud of having followed you without hesitation, identified with your way of thinking and of seeing and appraising dangers and principles. Other nations of the world call for my modest efforts. I can do that which is denied you because of your responsibility as the head of Cuba, and the time has come for us to part.

I want it known that I do it with mixed feelings of joy and sorrow: I leave here the purest of my hopes as a builder, and the dearest of those I love. And I leave a people who received me as a son. That wounds me deeply. I carry to new battlefronts the faith that you taught me, the revolutionary spirit of my people, the feeling of fulfilling the most sacred of duties: to fight against imperialism wherever it may be. This comforts and heals the deepest wounds.

I state once more that I free Cuba from any responsibility, except that which stems from its example. If my final hour finds me under other skies, my last thought will be of this people and especially of you. I am thank- ful for your teaching, your example, and I will try to be faithful to the final consequences of my acts.

I have always been identified with the foreign policy of our revolution, and I will continue to be. Wherever I am, I will feel the responsibility ofbeing a Cuban revolutionary, and as such I shall behave. I am not sorry that I leave my children and my wife nothing material. I am happy it is that way. I ask nothing for them, as I know the state will provide enough for their expenses and education.

I would like to say much to you and to our people, but I feel it is not necessary. Words cannot express what I would want them to, and I don’t think it’s worth while to banter phrases.

Hasta la victoria siempre. ¡Patria o Muerte!
I embrace you with all my revolutionary fervor.



May 8th, 2009

So, I’m in Pollachi now, complete with net and as many plates and pans as you could poke a stick with, but something’s still wrong. I just feel incomplete here, maybe it’s not really knowing anyone deep enough yet or what but I’m not being me, I’m just putting on a facade, and it’s cracking, and we’re only on day 8!

This is my accommodation, for all those who are interested:

It’s started to rain, but normally it’s a bit brighter!

It’s a bit bigger than the photo, about another metre or so, but I’m pleasantly surprised! If it was tidy it’d be good, but maybe that’s a wish too far?! Right, now back to applying for studies. We can hope but I don’t need that much training (yay!)

Happy Birthday Sridhar Anna

May 7th, 2009

Happy Birthday Sridhar Anna

It’s Turning Into A Total Fraud

May 6th, 2009

I feel like I am a total fraud at the moment. This blog was started because of my dependence of OTC medicines(over the counter) and painkillers and it was meant to reflect what life is like living with that dependence and track my slow withdrawal from the.

Instead it has turned into a general whinging place for myself and seems to have side-tracked away from the dependency issue and back onto the self-harm, eating and paranoia issues.

I apologise for this, but what can I say? All of the above things come together with me as a package and one thing is usually worse that another at a set point in time. At the beginning of the year when I started writing it was the medicine dependency. Now, at the yearend, after withdrawing from Pentazocine , still taking OTC drugs and painkillers, self-harming and managing to drop myself back into mental health services, it seems to be all of the above.

I guess the title “Fighting The Urge” still fits, except for it’s more ‘fighting the urges’ now.

The Un-Medicated Manic Depressive

May 5th, 2009

I have been up.

I have been down.

I have cried, laughed hysterically and sat paralysed staring into space in a one hour period.

I have found childlike jokes and conversations overly funny. I have found TV soaps and docu-dramas overly depressing.

I have been talking about nice, good things with people I care about and trust and have sounded on the brink of tears.

I have had a psychiatrist’s appointment in the morning and been threatened with hospital to curb the suicidal, overwhelming hallucinations I have been having and then seen my therapist in the afternoon who asks how many cups of coffee I have had because I appear that wired.

I have been deliberately making myself manic by drinking M&S’s version of Lucozade, which has added ‘high strength’ caffeine.

I have been taking pro-plus to make me higher, and large quantities of diazepam, codeine, tramadol and other opiates to calm me down.

My Car Is Turning Out To Be Very Expensive

May 4th, 2009

Somehow I managed to break the bonnet catch on my car on Wednesday night. Well actually it was quite simple, I pulled it too hard and it snapped off, rendering it useless. Luckily my car was already booked to go into the garage on Tuesday as the rear wiper has an intermittent fault where it stops working, this of course had righted itself by Wednesday night but I booked the car into the garage day before yesterday as I needed the bonnet catch fitting.

The car stayed in overnight as the part was due to arrive this morning and after I’d done the bits and pieces I needed to do today I went to pick it up. Unfortunately it needed new bonnet cables, a new bracket and handle. These, plus an hour and a half labour came to 6000rs. I have no idea where I am going to find the money from. My Dad has agreed to pay for the moment, but says I have to pay him back as I was the person who caused it to need to be fixed and it wasn’t a fault of the car’s. I don’t have 6000rs, equally I barely have enough money to put petrol in my car at present, but I feel really bad for breaking it and then it costing so much.

Otherwise today hasn’t been too bad.I feel horribly ill though.The headache/toothache
of yesterday has spread into a pain around my eye socket and down into my cheekbone and back teeth. If I had a blocked nose I would say it was sinusitis, but my nose is as clear as, so it isn’t. I’ve also developed a hacking cough and a sharp pain in the middle of my sternum when I cough or take a deep breath. Hopefully it will ease overnight, or I’ll make an appointment to see someone. This may sound a bit drastic, but apparently it’s the correct form as a chemo patient when your immune system is completely non-existent.

What's Worse ?

May 3rd, 2009

Feeling low, or nothing at all?
I’m getting really sick of this and also the way my mood keeps swapping from hyper bouncy to 6 feet under, in the space of 2 hours. Can we have some sense please soon, and some motivation?

You say it best…

May 2nd, 2009

… when you say nothing at all…

I’m back, still here, still not got anything to say. I’ve written stuff in my diary, but it sort of feels irrelevant, or I don’t know. I don’t feel anything; joy, sadness, all gone. I’m emotionless, and wordless. All the good things in life.

May Day

May 1st, 2009

May Day occurs on May 1 and refers to any of several public holidays. In many countries, May Day is synonymous with International Workers' Day, or Labour Day, which celebrates the social and economic achievements of the labour movement. As a day of celebration the holiday has ancient origins, and it can relate to many customs that have survived into modern times. Many of these customs are due to May Day being a cross-quarter day, meaning that in the Northern Hemisphere it falls approximately halfway between the spring equinox and summer solstice.