Goodbye, Emotion

July 31st, 2009

So, it appears my ability to show ANY emotion of ANY type has disappeared. Why? Who knows; it’s so frustrating to be on the brink of tears, but for then nothing to happen after that. Sometimes I just want to get what’s inside out, and I can’t. Sometimes feeling is enough to get this out, sometimes there’s nothing writing can do- what you write can bring you to the brink of tears, but after then? The cause is lost.

I’m feeling pretty okay, just this lack of being able to let out all this could be my downfall; I don’t want that. I want to be free to enjoy this week, next week and my summer, safe from what has haunted me for so long.

Emotional Development

July 30th, 2009

I need space, privacy, quiet. No-one to tell me what to do, or how to do it. Or no structure, no places to be or faces to put on. Just to hide, sleep, relax, do whatever, which is what holidays are really supposed to be about. The first 2 days were great, then I got worn out. Pretending so much is hard and I’m not used to being around people 24/7 or making decisions that aren’t spontaneous. I keep being asked things and I can’t plan that far ahead; neither can I decide about this new phone business- a 12/18 month contract is a long time to commit myself to being around for. It just seems so long, so far away, yet months still keep floating by. In 18 months I’ll be living in Chennai or somewhere and working. I need to decide as soon as possible about what to do, so I can get the benefit of it so I’m not paying for too many months. What will I do? I don’t know. It’s not just my nose that’s blocked, but my head too.

Hurt Cry Scream Angry !

July 29th, 2009

I hurt so much, I cry, I scream, I get so angry and I feel like I am totally out of control. Nothing matters anymore I simply no longer care.

Playing Safe

July 28th, 2009

Today while chatting my therapist and I were discussing my social life or rather lack of. We decided that I was being careful or “playing safe” as my title infers. I have learned through this journey there are people I can’t be with. It takes a knowledge of what is best for me and the discipline to follow through. I liken it to the kid who gets hurt by another playing in the sandbox. He or she gets up an moves to a different sandbox. The thing is I can’t just move, I have to leave the playground.

Being in the transition from bad relationships to better ones is hard. I think I can’t let my gaurd down. Yet, I know if I don’t bring my shield down a bit, I will stay reclusive. Not allowing others in is appealing, however, it is equally bad for continued healthiness. In my mind I think I will just take life alone to avoid the feelings I might incur from relationships. I remain alone and the loneliness becomes a faucet for unwanted feelings.

My only option is to play safe. I have a working knowledge of what characteristics of a relationship need to be present. I don’t need anyone who drains me, is reckless, harbors toxic feelings, and is basically incapable of a relationship. My relationships don’t need to know about my illness or even understand it. They do, however, need to be neutral at least in their view. I can’t relate with someone who has a negative view of mental illness.

I know I am safe inside my world. As I reach beyond it, I trust I have the skills to seek and find relations that help me. I remember the words of AA “Do no harm.” Me to others

Audience Participation Reqd!

July 27th, 2009

Okay, readers! I need your help…

… In recommending me good coping/distraction techniques!

I already know ones like music, exercise, going for a walk, reading, writing, cooking; but what else is there that I don’t know about? Thank youuu!

Had a delightful lunch at

July 26th, 2009

Had a delightful lunch at Marry brown, a restaurant in adyar.
While trying hook me on the code that I am writing, I am falling
Sleepy on my keyboard. That chicken burgger was at it’s best with
some cheese and chilly flakes, good enough to make me half awake
( optimistic view). Now,Tons of job at stakeUntil I am awake.
Poetry Lazy….Poetry. Sleep.


July 25th, 2009

December 22, 2008
What a week. All the good stuff happened (dinner at the in-laws’
place, lunch for charan’s birthday, night out with anna last night)
And it was all very enjoyable. Last night was particularly good.
While the dinner at grt grand was not really a success (the food
Was nice, but it was too noisy to hold a conversation), it was when
We all came back to our home that the night really picked up. We
All talked, laughed, ate and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was a
Really lovely evening.
It’s funny how, even when things are going well, depression can
Reassert its presence. For ex, this was a really social week for
Me. I enjoyed all of it. But,by yesterday,I was really tired.I could
Feel how tired I was. I did enjoy last night, but when i went to bed,
I was so tired I didn’t even put in my earplugs-and I slept like log.
(I always wear earplugs to bed. Not only does appa's snore like a
Train’s coming through, but I’m a light sleeper at the best of times)
Anyhow, I woke up this morning and, after breakfast, was surfing
Net, when I started to feel really sleepy. Not a problem, I thought,
I’ll have a nap. Now, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a
Napper from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back.
I can nap for three hours in the afternoon, then sleep for 12 hours
That night. I love my sleep, and without enough sleep, I’m feral.
So,off I toddle to bed. When i wake up it was bcoz the phone was
Ringing, not because I’d naturally woken up. Anyhow, I answered
The phone (it was amma, working on the reno) and got out of bed.
When i looked at the time, I did a double-take. I’d been asleep for
Six hours. Even at my most anaemic, I’d never napped for six
Hours before. Even when I had double pnuemonia, I didn’t nap
For six hours. Okay, it had been a long, busy week, and a late
Night, but six hours?! The only thing i can ascribe it to is the
Depression (together with getting to bed just after midnight
the night before). Amazing. So yes, it is incredible how a mental
Illness like depression can have such a strong physical impact.
That said, this week has been worth it.
Do I love feeling like I can enjoy socialising again.

Why is it that always

July 24th, 2009

Why is it that always the two-wheeler driver recieves a call
On his mobile when driving. While he is busy yapping on the
Phone, the poor pillion rider stares elsewhere and tries to
Pretend that he isn’t listening.

Beating depression, what are my option ?

July 23rd, 2009

Beating depression is a matter of first dealing with the symptoms and then dealing with the issues that are causing them. Once you have been evaluated and diagnosed by your doctor, you can begin.Taking advantage of the resources that are at your disposal will make overcoming depression a sure thing.

Antidepressants can help to manage and alleviate the symptoms of your depression so that you can feel better and function more effectively in the here and now. They also make it easier to focus on treatment in the form of psychotherapy. Antidepressants may take up to several weeks to have their full effect. There may be an adjustment period where you experience side effects as well. If the side effects become bothersome or severe then you should talk them over with your doctor. If the side effects are too great or if the medication still is not doing its job even after you have been taking it for several weeks then you made need to try a different antidepressant. Even if you are feeling better, you need to keep taking your medication as prescribed. The medication is helping you to feel better so you want to continue taking it. If you feel that you wish to stop then talk it over with your doctor. This way you can both decide if going off of your medication is the best decision. If it is then your doctor will be able to instruct you how to do it gradually. By lowering your dosage in stages, you will make the process of
Ceasing your medicinal treatment as easy on you as possible.

You will want to get counselling, too. This talk therapy will allow you to seek out the underlying psychological causes of and contributors to your depression. There are a few things to keep
In mind. Be honest with your therapist. You are there to get to the root of your problems so be completely honest with your therapist. Your therapist cannot help unless he or she knows the truth; The whole truth. Be open to trying new things. Your therapist may have suggestions for exercises that may make you uncomfortable. You need to trust your therapist, or get one
You can trust. The healing process depends on the therapeutic relationship. If you want to learn and grow then you will have to go beyond what you know. Overcoming depression means
managing symptoms then removing what is causing them.

This is the path to recovery.

Feeling more human

July 22nd, 2009

I am actually starting to feel a bit more human. Thank goodness,
I’m stoked I’m feeling better in time for the weekend - there’s
Lots of work to be done. Plus, I suspect I’ll be returning to a
Mountain of work on Saturday, following my recent extended
Absences, so I need to be on the ball.

’Tis the season to eat too much

July 21st, 2009
Another flat out week. I’ve had more people crying in my office
This week than I have had in the last couple of months. (It’s
Actually my business to sort out people’s work-related problems.
Yay for an interesting but frustrating business, hey?)
It’s been a blur, really. I had training on one day at chennai ,
It wiped that day out for anything else. In fact,it wiped me out,too.
I came home and fell asleep instantaneously. I also had a number
Of meetings with various people,which,while it’s integral part of
My business, prevented me from getting paperwork stuff off my
‘to do’ list. Still, it’s gone very quickly, and it’s now a week closer
To our holiday. Woohoo!

i had my dinner with my anna & anni, last night. It was
At a swanky restaurant, with anna picking up the tab (always
A bonus). We ate, and enjoyed ourselves. It was really lovely.
Yes, it’s early in December to be having a Christmas dinner
With family, But my brother flies out to america next week back,
So it was really the last chance with everyone in the country to
Get together. And it was very enjoyable. Despite the fact i had
Also been out for business work earlier in the day, we still ate
Plenty and had the energy to have fun. What ever fun but i
Miss my ANI without her nothing makes me happy.

Other than work , not a lot has really been happening this week.
Three evenings out of five, I’ve come home and fallen asleep.
I suspect i’m still not really recovered from this depression;
I’ve had a nasty throat which doesn’t seem to be really improving,
And I’m more that normally tired. However, there doesn’t seem to
Be anything that medical profession can do that hasn’t been tried,
So I’m just going to take it easy and see how it goes. Maybe
I should even try the whole clean-living, fruit and vegies thing.

We’re slowly getting ready for shifting home to Tirupur. As we
Leave in a week or so, that’s probably a good thing. Every thing is
Organised. I just need to finalise our home. This is fiddly, as i need
Medical reports from our specialists to say that i am ok .
Eh, I’ll worry about that closer to the time.

Any help is much appreciated

July 20th, 2009

I love my business. And at times, I hate it.
I love being able to help people. I seem to have a strong
Natural ability to read people. I can tell if they’re lying,
Genuine, hiding something, if there’s more to the story.
I can feel compassion for just about anybody. I also know
That there’s no black and white, only shades of grey. This
Makes it easy to help sort out interpersonal issues, which is
My job in my business.
On the other hand, I’m an introvert. (For those of you who
Are familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I’m an
INFJ - another reference is here). I love listening to, and
Helping people, but it exhausts me. It’s a paradox.

Today I spent all day listening to people, all of whom had
Problems of varying magnitudes. When I’m listening, I am an
Active listener. I ask questions, I watch body language, I seek
Out details that the person may have glossed over accidentally
Or intentionally, I take notes. I don’t notice it at the time, but
Afterwards, I feel like a light bulb that’s been producing huge
Amounts of light and heat, which has been switched off. I feel
Drained, and my brain is normally teeming with the different
Issues raised, and the best way to approach them.

So yes, I spent pretty much all of today doing this. I’m tired.
I can see how people can burn out from this kind of job.
I’m just not sure at this point, how to prevent this huge energy
Drain that happens. If you know of any resources which address
This, I’d really appreciate a head’s up.

I have the right ...

July 19th, 2009

I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready,
It is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions,
Feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.

You and me we used

July 18th, 2009

You and me

We used to be together

Everyday together always

I really feelThat

I’m losing my best friend

I can’t believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you’re letting go

And if it’s real

Well I don’t want to know

Just that I don’t speak much.

I love You ANIPRA

Breathing slowly & deeply

July 17th, 2009
I’m both excited and very nervous.I know that the stress
Is getting to me. My sleep has been all over the place - I
Wake up every night between 2am and 3am, and am awake
For up to three hours. Also, I’m clenching my teeth in my
Sleep. I’m also getting the sickish feeling in my stomach.
At this point, I’m just trying to remember to breathe deeply
And think positively. I was repeating to myself, ‘I am strong
And able to handle this….. I am strong and able to handle this…'.
I just hope it’s true.

I’m also trying to keep a watchful eye on my mental health at
The moment. I don’t want to fall off the deep end, with
Everything that’s happening. My psychiatrist has also said that
Some people reach a good level of drug dosage on OLEANZ, then
After being on it for a while, it seems to just lose a bit of
Effectiveness. He said an increase of even 5mg can right things,
And has given me the go-ahead to increase my dose if I notice
This happening. I just want to be sure that if I do increase my
Dose, it’s for the right reasons, not because of temporary stress
Which will pass. The difficulty is knowing the difference.On the
Topic of depression, earlier this week a friend of me sent aCouple
Of books by Matthew Johnstone. His book,I Had a Black Dog,
Is a pictorial depiction of what it’s like to live with depression.
It describes exactly what it’s like. I’ve not comeAcross anything
Before which outlines the effect depression has on your life - on
Relationships, your view of the world, and the numbness you feel.
This book captures it perfectly. I strongly recommend it for
People who suffer from depression. He and his wife have also
Written a companion book which is specifically aimed at anyone
Who’s in a relationship with someone who is depressed.
Both books are well worth reading.
(And no, I’m not getting paid to write this!!)

I do have more to say, but it’s getting late and,
Well, I need my sleep. Night!

When I'm not in my right mind . . .

July 16th, 2009

. . . my left mind gets very full.
Having an odd day. I woke up and something else in my mind woke
Up with me. It was the energy, sat in the right side of my head singing
And giggling and wanting to leap around like the foolish thing it is.
I was in a quiet, flat, reflective mood, managing to do a few chores
While the energy bounced in my skull and sang loudly at me. I had to
Endure a lot of JINGLE BELLS!.

I write it this way because this is the way I experience it. What the
Truth of it is I don't know. But when this part of my mind is in
Executive control I can be very child-like. One night in hospital
I managed to pull down all the curtains while attempting to get
Round the room without touching the floor. Then I had to hide
In the garden and jump around behind the shed.

As the day went on the world got very mobile and my thoughts
Got fast and fragmented and I had to do some pacing.
In the end I took OLEANZ.
The crisis team came and told me that I work very hard to deal
With my problems and that is good. So I feel officially patted
On the head.


July 15th, 2009

I spent an hour today with my psychiatrist. We discussed the
Recent turn of events (which has been primarily downwards),
Symptoms (incredible clumsiness, feeling of detachment,
Crying lots, etc etc) and dosages of OLEANZ & MIRTAZ15.
As of tonight, I’m jumping from 5mg/day to 10mg/day. He
Did warn me that the dose needed to stabilise me is not going
To be the dose for long-term recovery. In other words, 10mg
May only stabilise me for the short term. If I have another
‘fall in the hole’ experience in three or six months’ time, I’ll be
Taken off OLEANZ and put onto something else.
Well, doesn’t that sound like fun, kiddies?
At this point, I’m hopeful but nervous. Having been through
This before, I don’t want to be okay, then fall apart, just when
It looks like I’ll be fine. Especially as it will mean a whole new
Drug, with new side effects that I’m not expecting. That said,
Any other drug can’t possibly destroy my mind drive quite the
Way the OLEANZ has, but that’s a story for another day, when
I’m not crying over everything.
I have to say, major depressive disorder has knobs on it. And not
In a good way. This is something I discussed at length with my
Psychologist today. We also talked about why my mother doesn’t
Understand depression, despite experiencing it herself; my
Expections of myself; and why it’s not necessarily a good thing to be
An overachiever. It was useful, if exhausting.
Still, even if I’m crazy, at least I have my family who loves me
Anyhow. Thank God.

A Bad Few Days

July 14th, 2009

I’ve been overly stressed the last few days, I’m wondering if it is the pressure of the holiday season. My anxiety has been very high and I’ve been bad. I ran to Dr. Google to diagnose whatever it is I’m suffering from. So frustrating.

Medicine Glossary

July 13th, 2009

This page is a record of my med changes, starting in July 09. Prior that I had been on pretty stable doses and didn’t really see a need to document my med regiment anywhere. Now I do. Most current cocktail will always be at the top.


Becozinc 1


Bay-cip TZ 1
Zee 0.5 mg, 1
Sulpitac, 50 mg, 1
Oleanz plus 1
Mirtaz, 15 mg 1

Somewhere Lost In Space And Time

July 12th, 2009

I’m exhausted. I can’t function. Everything’s a blur, everything’s a mess, my head can’t cope. Things are spinning out of control. Guess what I’m doing the next 3 days? That’s not going to help, it really isn’t, but that’s what I have to do. I’m getting sick of being told that well, at least I’m earning money. I’m past the stage of not caring, I really couldn’t care less. All I care about is actually being able to function and my health not deteriorating too far. Yet I’m torn, and I know which way it’s going to go, the same way it always does.

World Of Prabhu

July 11th, 2009

I apologise for the lack of updates, just there’s not actually much to write about at the moment! Tiredness has taken over and only really provides a limited topic for discussion followed by something such as I need to work less. This week I have 3 days off, then the week after an appointment which will hopefully provide some fodder!
Now, however, is sleep time: I’ve scheduled in 11 hours so here’s hoping!

While I Was Sleeping ...

July 10th, 2009

... this blog's visitor count passed 1500.

Thank you to everyone who has bothered to look, and a special thank you to all those that visit regularly and those who comment.

You've helped to make this last year bearable.

Life Is Not A Bowl Of Cherries

July 8th, 2009

That's such a silly expression. I don't even particularly like cherries; unless they are the glace kind, and those I love.

Life at the moment is difficult. I am still having problems coming to terms with the end of therapy, and the acute feeling of abandonment that I am suffering as a result. The heat is making me very tired and with the hot nights I am not sleeping particularly well. My self-esteem is low and I am having a crisis of confidence, which is not exactly helpful.

What I really need is something good to happen in my life, but the chances of that are pretty non-existent at the moment, so I will carry on living one day at a time and hope that the depression will lift sometime in the not too distant future.

And when it does, I don't want a bowl of cherries; I want grapes.

While I Was Sleeping ...

July 7th, 2009

... this blog's visitor count passed 1000.

Thank you to everyone who has bothered to look, and a special thank you to all those that visit regularly and those who comment.
You've helped to make this year bearable.

Giving Thanks

July 6th, 2009

Thank you for the feedback. I must say how amazing it is to hear from everyone, please keep the comments coming.

You see, originally I doubted my ability to create this blog and came close to giving up. Now, it is the one thing the pushes me out of bed each morning. It is the endless support I receive each day that makes me so sure I have done the right thing.

I want to express the utmost gratitude to everyone who has been by my side yesterday, today and tomorrow. Knowing I am not alone has helped me gain strength through positive feedback and great company. It is you guys who make me brave.

Until next...

Keep smiling.

I Love More Than My Life

July 5th, 2009

She is the girl I love more than my life. It’s been forever since I have written. I guess I have felt like I shouldn’t write about things if they weren’t about Anipra. That’s silly and from here on out, this is not a blog about my struggles with Anipra. She is no longer my struggle and I want this to reflect that. The last few years have been great and they deserve to be remembered far more than the awfulness that preceded.

Writer’s Block

July 4th, 2009

I have been writing for most of my life. There are probably at least a dozen journals hidden within my bookshelves. I have even more in my attic. Small notebooks with scribbled phrases are tucked here and there waiting to be formulated into a story. Expressing myself with words takes me to a special place. It is my gift to myself and my gift to others. I cast myself fortunate that I am able to verbalize the words in my head. Communicating in written word as well as oral, provides me with comfort. I happen to feel they are both for me. If someone else finds my small utterances significant, I receive even greater pleasure.

Lately, academic writing has kept away other intentions. I’ve had hours of research time invested in my products. Now, with my time being released from this genre, it is hard to find where my creativity left off. Finally, I just took a break. When I woke up this morning, I decided to return, yearning to “bang the keys once more.” It is almost as if I have kicked the block down. Returning to the place I know best.

Money Is A Major Trigger

July 3rd, 2009

There was a song that I used to listen to all of the time in college. All I remember is that the guy was yelling “money” over and over and over and over.

Sometimes it feels like my life is like that. Is there enough? Are we going to be okay? Is the sky falling? What about this bill? What about that one?

It is such a trigger. I fight about it. I struggle against it. I never feel calm around it.

That is all I wanted to say. Money is a major trigger.

Oh, and so is noise.

Thanks For Sticking With Me

July 2nd, 2009

Sorry for the lack of posts, everyone. I have an actual, proper post under construction – it’s taking a while, but hopefully should be ready to go later today (but don’t hold me to that).

But in the meantime I just wanted to say thanks for sticking with me. I’ve just checked my stats, and 50-60 of you are still popping by every day, which given that I basically haven’t posted anything in hours is really quite remarkable, I think. In any case I am pathetically grateful. Thank you.

To Myself, And To Others

July 1st, 2009

I say to myself, and to others:

You can be broken down, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can fall apart, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can have nothing to offer for now, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be at your lowest ebb, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be depressed, contorted, wounded, or distraught, and I will hold and love you that way.
I will do this with no insistence that you be fixed.
Especially for my depressed Indian.