So, it appears my ability to show ANY emotion of ANY type has disappeared. Why? Who knows; it’s so frustrating to be on the brink of tears, but for then nothing to happen after that. Sometimes I just want to get what’s inside out, and I can’t. Sometimes feeling is enough to get this out, sometimes there’s nothing writing can do- what you write can bring you to the brink of tears, but after then? The cause is lost.
I’m feeling pretty okay, just this lack of being able to let out all this could be my downfall; I don’t want that. I want to be free to enjoy this week, next week and my summer, safe from what has haunted me for so long.
Okay, readers! I need your help…
… In recommending me good coping/distraction techniques!
I already know ones like music, exercise, going for a walk, reading, writing, cooking; but what else is there that I don’t know about? Thank youuu!
Had a delightful lunch at Marry brown, a restaurant in adyar.
While trying hook me on the code that I am writing, I am falling
Sleepy on my keyboard. That chicken burgger was at it’s best with
some cheese and chilly flakes, good enough to make me half awake
( optimistic view). Now,Tons of job at stakeUntil I am awake.
Poetry Lazy….Poetry. Sleep.
Anyhow, I woke up this morning and, after breakfast, was surfing
So,off I toddle to bed. When i wake up it was bcoz the phone was
Another flat out week. I’ve had more people crying in my office
This week than I have had in the last couple of months. (It’s
Actually my business to sort out people’s work-related problems.
Yay for an interesting but frustrating business, hey?)
It’s been a blur, really. I had training on one day at chennai ,
It wiped that day out for anything else. In fact,it wiped me out,too.
I came home and fell asleep instantaneously. I also had a number
Of meetings with various people,which,while it’s integral part of
My business, prevented me from getting paperwork stuff off my
‘to do’ list. Still, it’s gone very quickly, and it’s now a week closer
To our holiday. Woohoo!
i had my dinner with my anna & anni, last night. It was
At a swanky restaurant, with anna picking up the tab (always
A bonus). We ate, and enjoyed ourselves. It was really lovely.
Yes, it’s early in December to be having a Christmas dinner
With family, But my brother flies out to america next week back,
So it was really the last chance with everyone in the country to
Get together. And it was very enjoyable. Despite the fact i had
Also been out for business work earlier in the day, we still ate
Plenty and had the energy to have fun. What ever fun but i
Other than work , not a lot has really been happening this week.
Three evenings out of five, I’ve come home and fallen asleep.
I suspect i’m still not really recovered from this depression;
I’ve had a nasty throat which doesn’t seem to be really improving,
And I’m more that normally tired. However, there doesn’t seem to
Be anything that medical profession can do that hasn’t been tried,
So I’m just going to take it easy and see how it goes. Maybe
I should even try the whole clean-living, fruit and vegies thing.
We’re slowly getting ready for shifting home to Tirupur. As we
Leave in a week or so, that’s probably a good thing. Every thing is
Organised. I just need to finalise our home. This is fiddly, as i need
Medical reports from our specialists to say that i am ok .
Eh, I’ll worry about that closer to the time.
On the other hand, I’m an introvert. (For those of you who
Today I spent all day listening to people, all of whom had
So yes, I spent pretty much all of today doing this. I’m tired.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready,
It is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions,
Feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.
I’m both excited and very nervous.I know that the stress
Is getting to me. My sleep has been all over the place - I
Wake up every night between 2am and 3am, and am awake
For up to three hours. Also, I’m clenching my teeth in my
Sleep. I’m also getting the sickish feeling in my stomach.
At this point, I’m just trying to remember to breathe deeply
And think positively. I was repeating to myself, ‘I am strong
And able to handle this….. I am strong and able to handle this…'.
I just hope it’s true.
I’m also trying to keep a watchful eye on my mental health at
The moment. I don’t want to fall off the deep end, with
Everything that’s happening. My psychiatrist has also said that
Some people reach a good level of drug dosage on OLEANZ, then
After being on it for a while, it seems to just lose a bit of
Effectiveness. He said an increase of even 5mg can right things,
And has given me the go-ahead to increase my dose if I notice
This happening. I just want to be sure that if I do increase my
Dose, it’s for the right reasons, not because of temporary stress
Which will pass. The difficulty is knowing the difference.On the
Topic of depression, earlier this week a friend of me sent aCouple
Of books by Matthew Johnstone. His book,I Had a Black Dog,
Is a pictorial depiction of what it’s like to live with depression.
It describes exactly what it’s like. I’ve not comeAcross anything
Before which outlines the effect depression has on your life - on
Relationships, your view of the world, and the numbness you feel.
This book captures it perfectly. I strongly recommend it for
People who suffer from depression. He and his wife have also
Written a companion book which is specifically aimed at anyone
Who’s in a relationship with someone who is depressed.
Both books are well worth reading.
(And no, I’m not getting paid to write this!!)
I do have more to say, but it’s getting late and,
Well, I need my sleep. Night!
. . . my left mind gets very full.
Having an odd day. I woke up and something else in my mind woke
Up with me. It was the energy, sat in the right side of my head singing
And giggling and wanting to leap around like the foolish thing it is.
I was in a quiet, flat, reflective mood, managing to do a few chores
While the energy bounced in my skull and sang loudly at me. I had to
Endure a lot of JINGLE BELLS!.
I write it this way because this is the way I experience it. What the
Truth of it is I don't know. But when this part of my mind is in
Executive control I can be very child-like. One night in hospital
I managed to pull down all the curtains while attempting to get
Round the room without touching the floor. Then I had to hide
In the garden and jump around behind the shed.
As the day went on the world got very mobile and my thoughts
Got fast and fragmented and I had to do some pacing.
In the end I took OLEANZ.
The crisis team came and told me that I work very hard to deal
With my problems and that is good. So I feel officially patted
On the head.
I spent an hour today with my psychiatrist. We discussed the
Well, doesn’t that sound like fun, kiddies?
At this point, I’m hopeful but nervous. Having been through
I have to say, major depressive disorder has knobs on it. And not
Still, even if I’m crazy, at least I have my family who loves me
This page is a record of my med changes, starting in July 09. Prior that I had been on pretty stable doses and didn’t really see a need to document my med regiment anywhere. Now I do. Most current cocktail will always be at the top.
Zee 0.5 mg, 1
Sulpitac, 50 mg, 1
I’m exhausted. I can’t function. Everything’s a blur, everything’s a mess, my head can’t cope. Things are spinning out of control. Guess what I’m doing the next 3 days? That’s not going to help, it really isn’t, but that’s what I have to do. I’m getting sick of being told that well, at least I’m earning money. I’m past the stage of not caring, I really couldn’t care less. All I care about is actually being able to function and my health not deteriorating too far. Yet I’m torn, and I know which way it’s going to go, the same way it always does.
I apologise for the lack of updates, just there’s not actually much to write about at the moment! Tiredness has taken over and only really provides a limited topic for discussion followed by something such as I need to work less. This week I have 3 days off, then the week after an appointment which will hopefully provide some fodder!
Now, however, is sleep time: I’ve scheduled in 11 hours so here’s hoping!
That's such a silly expression. I don't even particularly like cherries; unless they are the glace kind, and those I love.
Life at the moment is difficult. I am still having problems coming to terms with the end of therapy, and the acute feeling of abandonment that I am suffering as a result. The heat is making me very tired and with the hot nights I am not sleeping particularly well. My self-esteem is low and I am having a crisis of confidence, which is not exactly helpful.
What I really need is something good to happen in my life, but the chances of that are pretty non-existent at the moment, so I will carry on living one day at a time and hope that the depression will lift sometime in the not too distant future.
And when it does, I don't want a bowl of cherries; I want grapes.
Thank you for the feedback. I must say how amazing it is to hear from everyone, please keep the comments coming.
You see, originally I doubted my ability to create this blog and came close to giving up. Now, it is the one thing the pushes me out of bed each morning. It is the endless support I receive each day that makes me so sure I have done the right thing.
I want to express the utmost gratitude to everyone who has been by my side yesterday, today and tomorrow. Knowing I am not alone has helped me gain strength through positive feedback and great company. It is you guys who make me brave.
She is the girl I love more than my life. It’s been forever since I have written. I guess I have felt like I shouldn’t write about things if they weren’t about Anipra. That’s silly and from here on out, this is not a blog about my struggles with Anipra. She is no longer my struggle and I want this to reflect that. The last few years have been great and they deserve to be remembered far more than the awfulness that preceded.
I have been writing for most of my life. There are probably at least a dozen journals hidden within my bookshelves. I have even more in my attic. Small notebooks with scribbled phrases are tucked here and there waiting to be formulated into a story. Expressing myself with words takes me to a special place. It is my gift to myself and my gift to others. I cast myself fortunate that I am able to verbalize the words in my head. Communicating in written word as well as oral, provides me with comfort. I happen to feel they are both for me. If someone else finds my small utterances significant, I receive even greater pleasure.
Lately, academic writing has kept away other intentions. I’ve had hours of research time invested in my products. Now, with my time being released from this genre, it is hard to find where my creativity left off. Finally, I just took a break. When I woke up this morning, I decided to return, yearning to “bang the keys once more.” It is almost as if I have kicked the block down. Returning to the place I know best.
There was a song that I used to listen to all of the time in college. All I remember is that the guy was yelling “money” over and over and over and over.
Sometimes it feels like my life is like that. Is there enough? Are we going to be okay? Is the sky falling? What about this bill? What about that one?
It is such a trigger. I fight about it. I struggle against it. I never feel calm around it.
That is all I wanted to say. Money is a major trigger.
Oh, and so is noise.
July 2nd, 2009
Sorry for the lack of posts, everyone. I have an actual, proper post under construction – it’s taking a while, but hopefully should be ready to go later today (but don’t hold me to that).
But in the meantime I just wanted to say thanks for sticking with me. I’ve just checked my stats, and 50-60 of you are still popping by every day, which given that I basically haven’t posted anything in hours is really quite remarkable, I think. In any case I am pathetically grateful. Thank you.
I say to myself, and to others:
You can be broken down, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can fall apart, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can have nothing to offer for now, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be at your lowest ebb, and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be depressed, contorted, wounded, or distraught, and I will hold and love you that way.
I will do this with no insistence that you be fixed.
Especially for my depressed Indian.