100 facts about myself

ITS  MY 400th  POST
I’ll give you a prize if you read till the end!.

1. If you stink, I can still love you. My sense of smell is very limited, not to mention, random.  I can for example smell your subtle hair product one day, but not the huge stink that pollutes the house the other. I blame my chronic hay fever for it.
2. I pay attention to the weirdest things. When I see a movie or tv show, I tend to drive my attention away from the main scene and notice the little details of the background. If main character 1 and main character 2 are having a very important discussion, chances are I will be paying attention to some of the extras having a walk somewhere near the corner of the screen.
3. I kissed a girl and I liked it. I love how girls look, but I think I'd never date one except (......).  Let’s say I have a more broad taste for women. I suppose it’s not a subject that worries me excessively, I’ll like whoever I like…
4. I love to brag about my English knowledge with people who don’t know much about it. (before you say “what English knowledge?”, remember that my country’s main language is Hindi, so it’s easy to get away with it.
5. Apathetic/Libertarian?. I’ve never really been interested in politics. However, if I find myself obsessed with a specific subject, I will go passionate about it. What is life, quality or quantity? Since when does that get decided by majority? I am not a person who is to follow authority… if your argument appeals to me, you might as well be a very well read monkey hanging from a tree than a prime minister.
6. I kill spoilers for the kicks. I can get entertained with basically any movie you show me. I have my favorites, but I just like to have a nice time while watching it.   However, I absolutely cannot tolerate spoilers! You’ll lose the thing above your shoulders! Remember what it is? OF. COURSE. NOT.
7. I’m completely addicted to Vodka. The drink kind… AND NOT DIET. (just needed to make that clear). so weekly once i would like to feed my addiction.(Its my doc advise too)Every now and then I’ll have trouble opening a bottle cap because I’m tiny, so it’s alright to ask for some help right? (see this doesn’t mean you automatically assume I can’t open bottles).
8. I don’t like cats! Unless you do it as a one time joke, to look cute or something. Guess what?
9. I’m afraid of heights and it’s a relatively recent phobia I developed for some reason.  Now, I love to tease myself with this, and getting scared.   I also plan to do bungee jumping, and jump out of a flying plane with a parachute someday.
10. I can drive very well. Another year has passed, and I still didn't try to drive! Shame on you Prabhu! Shame on you!

11. Snow is still something I can only imagine.
12. I would love to learn to Juggle. I have no idea why.  It’s so hard.  Another adittion to the long list of useless talents… well maybe it’s not that long really.
13.I was in jail  That was a worst scenario in my whole life. It changed my life and made me alone. But I am Phoenix  I ll be back soon.
14. I’m not a clumsy person.  I wouldn't trust them with carrying the dishes.
15.My favorite flower is the pink sunflower. How picky am I huh? Only wanting unexistant things.
16. I am not punctual. I can’t be on time for anything unless they fool me into thinking the meeting is 15 minutes early.  I have rarely been late for work though.
17. I love to be written on. Turn my hand and write in the inside? When in movies they write their phone numbers on the back of the hand? Ahhhh… Yes it can be taken to other parts too.
18. I can feel incredibly awkward when eating and being stared at. I suppose I don’t care about this anymore! I have done it tons of times…
19. I love the feeling of having my hair washed at the salon when they are going to cut it. The cold water running. I haven’t been to a spa, but if it’s anything like it, I’d pay.
20. I tend to get laughing fits of up to 30 minutes. Barely breathing to live.
21. I can’t like a girl that is liked by many, many boys. Popularity is a turn off for me. I’ve never really had a crush on a celebrity, no matter how attractive. UPDATE: I do have celebrity crushes!
22. I’m not a movie snob either. –> Hates movie snobs.
23. I’m an agnostic. I was raised as a Hindu. I know about religion, I just don’t believe it’s real. I know why people would choose to have a God in their minds, I just don’t believe it makes it true.
24. I have known how to use a hammer and screwdrivers probably before you could.  I’d like to be independent enough to ask you out on a date and flip the bill myself.  But not so fast girl!, I’m not a sugar man either.  I will just… get very angry if I see you’re treating me like “a little boy”.  Hell, I am a person living in the 21st century, not the middle ages. And so not a little boy… ahem.
25. I love music.
26. I think the eyesight is the coolest of the senses. It’s the way I go around the world.  I couldn’t do without it, and mostly, I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t wish an eyesight failure on anyone.
27. I kind of tolerate my looks. I typically love colours, clothes, suits & formals, but I don’t usually wear them because I’m too lazy / can’t bother / would rather spend my little energy doing something else. (And maybe I’m secretly afraid realizing it’s not much! Then where would I go? I have never been obsessed with my looks and I don’t want to start.
28. I have a thing for guys with cigarettes, and I hate it when they take them off.  At the same time, I’m 29.
29. I value friends more than girlfriends any day of the week. Romantic love for me seems to be a fake thing composed of animal instinct, culture, illusions. Friendship seems to be more stable and real.
30. I sometimes would like to be tallest. I’m always refered to as “the normal”. I think I’m in the 50th percentile of the height in Indian men, but I look comfort.  I am cute and all, but yeah…
31. I have been in the mood for blondish – blackish hair lately, but I can’t decolor my hair because of the chemical straightening I got. I would ruin my hair and would be bald for the next few months.
32. I’ve never been abroad.
33. I Daydream 24/7. I have a great imagination for pointless stuff.
34. I was bullied when I was a kid. And I didn’t even had braces or glasses.
35. I like to watch TV while eating.
36. It can take me up to an hour and a half to finish my lunch.  That’s probably why I started doing other things while eating.  Can’t waste that precious time!
37. I am not organized. I often find myself being completely OCD about organisation, but I always lose the momentum really soon, so, as you can imagine, my room, bag, head, everything is a mess.
38. I am ADD, like everyone else. I Like to start things but rarely finish them.  Again, I lose the momentum and get bored and my attention goes somewhere else.
39. I secretly wish I could live forever, despite having suicidal thoughts at other times. It’s like all or nothing. Having just 1 life is heartbreaking and stressing.
40. I hate finishing things. Books, movies, food? Because they ended! I keep wondering what else is going to happen next.  Imagining is not the same, because I’m in control of what happens and it wouldn’t surprise me! So, don’t expect to see me writing fanfics.
41. Never been on a ship.
42. My image of myself changes constantly and is easily affected by external output. (not physical image, more like mental image) I can go from self adoration to self loathing really easily. With other people though, I see more shades of gray.
43. I am far from prude… in theory. Very deep inside I think of myself as a sexually liberated,  but in reality I don’t know much, and haven’t done much.  However, there’s a lot I could do.
44. I’m less sensitive to collective pain than I am to individual pain. I don’t really care much when there’s a big fire and everyone dies, but I can cry to see a single person suffering. I guess the big tragedies are too abstract to feel anything. Maybe they happen too often in here and you just get used to them.  But most likely it is because they are too abstract.
45. I would love to live in an European country.
46. I cry inside easily when anyone yells at me, but I’m almost never really sad or ashamed, it’s just a reflex.
47. When I’m actually depressed I rarely cry, much less in public. I just go quiet and immobile and disappear.
48. My favorite day of the year is my birthday.
49. I think regionalism-caste-etc is stupid, I should like what I like because I feel good about it, not just because I belong to it.
50. Never had a real girlfriend for over 2 years. My longest relationship was 12 years.  I was too into it anyhow.  I guess I’m more picky than that.
51. I used to dance choreographies of pop songs in secondary school (think Oops I did it again and Michel Jackson stuff). Embarrassing enough, but I was a kid, so bite me.
52. I pull my hair out a lot, one by one.  This is called Trichotillomania and it’s related to serotonin deficiency (same thing that happens with depression).  I’ve had it forever and it’s restricted to my head.  When I was a kid I used to get bald patches.  I guess later I learned to do it in a way that it causes no visible effect. I have so much hair that I consider it kind of a control measure so I don’t look like cousin it.
53. I had braces for almost 3 years. GONE NOW WHHOOOOO!!! I had open-bite which didn’t allow me to cut off the lettuce of the hamburger when I had a bite.
54. I sleep sideways, hugging a pillow, always without a blanket on no matter how cold it is.
55. Alone in bed. Can’t for damn sleep with another person on the same bed.
56. I learned to swim by listening, when watching an old TV show. Later learned the four strokes in a normal class and became a competition swimmer. My favorite kind of swimming was actually underwater with monofin swimming. But I never got to buy the monofin.
57. Only time I thought I was really going to die unintentionally was by almost drowning in the sea in vacations of 1994. All the “my whole life passed by my eyes” crap, came true. On the other side, I had the best time ever afterwards.
58. I’ve only been to the air once, for 45 mins.
59. I love chew gum.(especially orbit, mint flavour)
60. I can’t make bubblegum bubbles. Which explains #59. Why would you can’t chew gum without the bubbles?
61. Can’t for damn whistle.
62. I never had asthma, has hay fever.
63. Never broken a bone.
64. Favourite activities as a little kid were climbing on trees all the time, riding our bikes through scary lands, and exploring dangerous places. The place I used to lived back then was good for those purposes.
65. I love to get letters or emails, love to read about crazy people’s lives, hence my loving for blogs.
66. I am not very materialistic. I only want money so can travel, eat, drink vodka, and probably get some good photos while I do all that.  I can’t understand  “what boys need more than that”.
67. Don’t give a shit about expensive cars. Don’t know shit about car brands, car models, car differences.
68. I Want to have lots of money for three main things: 1. Travelling absolutely everywhere. 2. Getting the best food ever. 3. Being able to be lazy without guilt.
69. I “spend songs”. When I find one I’m really crazy about, I would play it for about 100 times, then I’ll get really annoyed by it, and then I’ll hate it. But it’s my way to enjoy them-
70. I am terrible with thing names. Can’t for the damn remember band names, song names, movie titles, book titles when asked what his favorite ones are in a regular conversation. Ever since I got involved with network sites it has gotten better.
71. Never had chicken pox. It just shows how much of a loner I was in school. UPDATE:I had chicken pox last month.
72. I cried like I never had before after from prison. Because my life, love, dignity, respect, self control, etc, etc was totally changed as a terrific tragedy. I think it’s the only one that has made me cry. Reasons are too abstract to be explained right now.
73. Hate being waken up. I would love to always wake up spontaneously.
74. I was in band during my school days for a full year. I can’t do anymore.
75. I’m an B +. I’ve never donated blood. I convince people that donating is good but I never mention the huge needles.
76. I took piano lessons when I was 10. I quit because my teacher was creepy. Seriously. Now I whine because can’t play an instrument.
77. I love video games. 
78. I’ve always gotten along better with people younger than myself.
79. I panicked about being a patient.
80. Had my first french kiss at the embarrassing age of 18.
81. I like to make people laugh but rarely succeed.
82. I don’t like curd.
83. I have an excellent vision. I’m proud of my eyesight.
84. First time I was ever online was at the age of 18. Became a regular in the internet at age 19 while searching for a pokemon rom for my emulator. Shhh.
85. My ideal way to read a book is from beginning to end with few stops. Reading it by parts is such a feel. When I read “It” on a computer PDF, it took me three days when I barely moved from the computer.
86. I graduated from high school and had my 17th birthday almost on the same day.
87. If I had not studied computer, I’d always wonder what it would be like. And would end up studying computer anyway. Best way to know it sucks is by doing it.
88. I have dreams every night, always colorful, realistic, long and complicated.
89. Don’t enjoy casinos. Winning gets me too nervous, and losing makes me too angry. Either way it’s not good.
90. I have chronic major depressive disorder and I’m currently out of work getting treatment for it.
91. I used to fantasize about watching coffee with anu . Especially season 2 . Damn that was EXCELLENT.
92. I don’t think ever want to have children. In part it’s just a rebelion against nature.
93. I was underweight most of my life. The first time I went over 69 kilos was when I started my graduation. It was a cool acomplishment.  Right now I’m going to the other side! Hilarious!
94. Can’t cook to save my life.
95. Sometimes I wish I had inherited my mom’s awesome black eyes.
96. I’m secretly obsessed with spelling, but never bother people about it.
97. I used to have a book of spells. Old, awesome.
98. I miss my chocolate-shower-fantasy-girl.
99. I don’t care much for flowers, except the pink sunflowers.
100. The most important thing in the world is to sleep, and that’s what I’m doing now.

No, no prize, sorry, but I caught you.


December 30th, 2009

Short and sweet, this one. What’s your cyborg/robot name??


December 30th, 2009

I’m momentarily caught in elation.  I feel good.  The meds have been making me sleep an adequate number of hours and when I wake up I stay awake.  I had some trouble at first when I took the Oleanz+ & Zee at 7:30 am so I was asleep by 8 and woke up a3 pm.   I adjusted it.  Now I am waking up at 5:30 pm and I stay awake! I have always had night time drowsiness so this is great.

I have been reading a lot, too.  Getting caught in Wikipedia for entire hours reading all sorts of things from The Middle Ages to Subatomic Particles.  At the same time I downloaded a huge collection of science books and I’m obsessed with static electricity.   I’m in love with science.  I understand little of it, but I’m in love.

I’ve stopped...

December 29th, 2009

I’ve stopped trying to be things I am not.
I stopped thinking my mind worked different ways than the rest of the humans. I feel normal even by being a weirdo. Most of the times…
I don’t feel as a loner as much as I used to. I learned to adapt to other people being different and enjoy my time with them, otherwise just get away, not linger while wondering “why I’m such a weirdo I can’t get along with them”.
I stopped feeling bad because I enjoyed being alone.
I stopped trying to make everyone happy just so I could fit.
I don’t feel ashamed of my flaws as often as I used to.
I’ve stopped being scared when “euthymic“.
I’ve stopped losing weight!.
I’ve been feeling more comfortable in my new home.
I’ve became a full  agnostic instead of atheist.

Less Abstract complaints…

December 28th, 2009

- My cellphone Got Stolen (again)!
- One of my new books, that I had not paid for yet, also got stolen!
- The batteries of my mums cellphone are dead and won’t return.
- I’m too broke to buy new ones.
- I’ve had to eat hotel food all week, because nobody is at home.
- Been watching pirate movies alone instead of going to the cinema due to me being broke.
- Still 3 months and 12 days until I at least have the possibility of getting a job that pays… even by selling computers.
- What the f..k… blogspot has a word count… now I’m obsessed… 5180
- I have work tomorrow and I don’t want to!
Oh, life is good. Yay! 175 words!.. damn, I ruined it.

Keyboards 'dirtier than a toilet'

December 27th 2009

Some computer keyboards harbour more harmful bacteria than a toilet seat, research has suggested.
Consumer group Which? said tests at its London offices found equipment carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning.
Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harboured five times more germs than one of the office's toilet seats.
Microbiologist Dr Peter Wilson said a keyboard was often "a reflection of what is in your nose and in your gut".
During the Which? tests in January this year, a microbiologist deemed one of the office's keyboards to be so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned.
It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria - five times as filthy as a lavatory seat tested at the same time, the research found.

Should somebody have a cold in your office, or 
even have gastroenteritis, you're very likely to 
pick it up from a keyboard
Dr Peter Wilson
Consultant microbiologist

The equipment was swabbed for bugs, such as those that can cause food poisoning like E.coli and staphylococcus aureus.
Dr Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, told BBC Radio 5 Live sharing a keyboard could be passing on illnesses among office workers.
"If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, and hospitals are worse, believe it or not, it's more or less a reflection of what's in your nose and in your gut," he said.
"Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you're very likely to pick it up from a keyboard."
Which? said one of the causes of dirty keyboards was users eating lunch at their desk, with crumbs encouraging the growth of bacteria.
Poor personal hygiene, such as not washing hands after going to the toilet, could also be to blame, it said.
Cleaning techniques
Which? computing editor Sarah Kidner advised users to give their computer "a spring clean".
"It's quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard," she said.
She said dust and food crumbs should be shaken out of keyboards and they should be wiped with a soft, lightly dampened, lint-free cloth. They should also be disinfected with alcohol wipes.
Research by the University of Arizona last year found the average office desktop harboured 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.
They also found that, compared to men, on average women have three to four times the amount of germs in, on and around their work area.

Confusion, fears and stuff.

December 27th, 2009

It’s been a while, and I am not sure in what kind of mood I am.  Seems to me like I’m riding an ascending mood curve, which is good.  I have even started to feel things like confusion, sadness and boredom, which is normal. Not depression-like, and that makes me happy.

Confusion: I’m aware that I sort of promised myself I would not think of the future, but sometimes it can’t be helped.  I don’t live in a big room where time doesn’t pass.  I have parents, family and friends who remind me all the time of how stuck I am, and force me to think and decide.

But I still can’t figure it out.  I know lots of stuff about a billion of things, but at the same time I am no expert in anything.  I read for pleasure, and I only care about knowing things for the sake of knowing them, not because I want to use the knowledge for something in particular.  While I like this about me, I am aware of how impractical this is. I think I often see my life as though as it was a rehearsal life, like none of this was real.  One day I’ll get a real life, and then I’ll use things that I have learned to get stuff done. But I’m aware that’s not the way things function…

And I am lecturing myself on why am I rambling about this instead of getting something done.  Never ending cycle.

Sadness: Why? My 86 yo grandmother was dead last week.  She had excellent sharp mind, but I saw her falling down…

Well, she always showed signs of being close to death. I don’t think I can handle something like that happened right now… or, ever. I’m terrified of it.   And seeing her usual sharp mind compromised was… indescribable..

How do you fight fear? facing it? then it means I either have to wait until someone dies, or be scared of it all the time?

Boredom: I had plans for the weekend, but we’re all broke.

And I’m VERY hungry…

Pray For Me Brother lyrics

December 26th, 2009

Pray for me brother 
Pray for me brother 
Pray for me sister 
Are you searchin’…. 
Pray for me brother 

Lookin’ for the answers To all the questions In my life 
Will I be alone Will you be there By my side 
Is it something he said Is it something he did 
I wonder why He is searchin’ For the answers 
To stay alive 

Could you ever listen Could you ever care 
To speak your mind 
Only for a minute For only one moment 
In time 

The joy is around us But show me the love 
That we must find 
Are you searchin’ For a reason to be kind, to be kind… 
He said… Pray for me brother 

Pray for me brother Pray for me sister 
Pray for me brother Say 
what you wanna say now 
But keep your hearts open 
Be what you wanna be now 
Let’s heal the confusion 
Pray for me brother 

Don’t let me take When you don’t wanna give 
Don’t be afraid Just let me live 
Don’t let me take When you don’t wanna give 
Don’t be afraid Say what you wanna say now 
But keep your hearts open 

Be what you wanna be now Let’s heal the confusion 
Pray for me brother Pray for me brother 
I’m ashamed ah, brother be dying of poverty 
when he down on his knees its only then he prays 
And it’s a shame ah, brother be dying of ignorance 
cos the world is a trip and everybody’s a hypocrite 
Need to stop ah , taking a look at the other 
I’m not ashamed of poverty 
need to be making his life better 
So think about it, think about it once more 
cos life is a blessing and it’s not justa show, ah 
Round and round the world is spinning around 

We need to be singing a prayer, we need to be singing it now 
Round and round the world is turning around 
We need to be singing a prayer, we need to be singing it now 
Need to be feeling the power, need to be feeling the faith 
We need to coming together just to win this race 

Need to be feeling the power, need to be feeling the faith 
We need to coming together just to win this race (twice) 
Are you searching for a reason to be kind ?

I know

December 26th, 2009

The blog sucks lately.  I have like 9 drafts with random crap.  I can’t keep my focus long enough to even read the blogs I used to lose myself into (sorry).

What I have been doing:

Sleeping a lot in the day.
Doing very short term tasks like running a couple of errands every now and then, nothing compromising.
Avoiding my own conscience.
Avoiding showing my concerns because that’d make people start talking about things that will bring out my conscience.
Avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.  Go away conscience.
Being online a lot talking to one or two really cool people.
Not taking medication which results in weird moods (I’m crying and 30 mins later I’m laughing for no reason), I act strange, the medication kept my sex drive at zero so now that I’m off it I’m like in the opposite side. (sorry, too much information); my sleeping patterns are insane (it’s 9pm - 8 am I haven’t slept a bit).
Not being that good at avoiding own conscience.
Learning how to memorize a 26 digit number successfully, then becoming able to get the cube root of any number using that number. No not that impressive, it was a you tube video.  It’s an easy task actually.
Having fun and laughing a lot.
Daydreaming just too much.
Dying my hair blonde but didn’t pick up so I’m still a brunette.
Thinking how cool it is that my eyes are made of chocolate.
Watching the dark knight for the fifth time.
Not caring much about grammar (clearly).
Being a time bomb machine ready to explode and disassemble my brain every time a serious situation arises.
Reading short stories that I print out.
Eating chicken a lot (and that’s all the healthy food I eat)
Being really bad at avoiding over-thinking brain.
Making posts that will make people unconfortable when they read them.
That’s pretty much it… yeah.

How's Your Attention Span?

December 24th, 2009
Your Attention Span is Long

You're attention span is amazingly long.
You can concentrate well, and your mind doesn't stray easily.
Even if you have a mundane task to complete, you can get it done easily.

Because you don't get distracted, you accomplish more than most people.
Your self discipline is your greatest strength.
You can will yourself to do almost anything. All you have to do is put your mind to it.

Your birthdate is important to this world. Find out why!

What Dish Are You?

December 24th, 2009
You are Spaghetti with Meatballs

Compared to most people, you are very family focused.
You are social, but you tend to mostly socialize with those you are already close to.
You love to bond with your friends. Sharing time together is very important to you.
You are trustworthy and responsible. You like your friends knowing that they can count on you.

Eat at fancy restaurants on a fast food budget. Find out how!


December 23rd, 2009

Something is not right about the way I handle things. I don’t handle things, I run away from them, as far as I can, until they build up with other things I didn’t handle and they end up smashing me. It seems to me now, that everytime I have to face something serious, I burst in anxiety attacks, I collapse my brain, numb my senses and stop thinking. Whatever helps me to do that, it’s welcome, even if it’s bad for me in the long run. The point of it all it’s to stop thinking, put my brain in a coma and hope that whatever it’s wrong goes away. After the anxiety attack is over, I try my best not to think about what triggered it in the first place, so once again, I avoid discussing the issue in my mind, and everything goes back into apparent calm. In this situation I’m the best at compartmentalizing, and pretend nothing is wrong, and whine about things like the weather and the mean people instead.

I’m feeling like I’m the weakest person in the world. I see how I’m falling apart just because I have to do something other people prove in many areas. I don’t understand how they do it. I guess it’s not so hard for them. Maybe I am indeed weaker than them. But, why do I have to prove I’m not? What am I trying to prove and to who? What will I get if I finish it? There’s nothing I want waiting for me there. It is not my dream to be a rich man, it never has been. But most adults are stuck doing things they don’t want to do and they still hold themselves together. Why do they? I don’t think it’s something to be proud of, I think they’re just avoiders like me. I don’t think you’re strong just for holding on in a bad situation. I think it’s natural to be able to resist anything, just standing there. Anyone can do that. It’s the nature of living organisms. I think strong would be to take a chance outside the safety zone, because that part is much harder, and much more scary. I admire anyone who has been able to do that.

Right now I don’t feel I’m strong minded enough to even stand up, and I feel like I’m broken, I have the urge to just lie down, somewhere waiting for the bad feelings to fade. And it would happen. But I have to do a thousand of things everyday, I have to make a decision now if I don’t want to waste my  2 hours of sleep per day, to either use my compartmentalization powers again, snap out of it and keep resisting, or …otherwise. But I guess I will just put off the issue for another day and just go by the default option.

My Grandma passed away today

December 23rd, 2009

My Grandmother passed away this evening 
And I've lost one of the most important people in my life. 
And I feel broken. 
Maybe part of me thought she wouldn't die. 
Couldn't die. 
She was always a little more than human to me. 
But I suppose she was mortal, like the rest of us, after all. 
And maybe that's a beautiful thing. 
She was a soft woman, to the very end. 
With the best kind of affections. 
Her strength and her compassion were so connected, there was no separating them. 
She loved her family with all her heart. 
And she made us feel special. 
She made me feel special. 
I went to her room every day night when she was in Pollachi. 
But now she has a new home, in a place I can't visit. 
Someday, though, I'll find my way there. 
Because no matter how much I love life, I won't live forever. 
And maybe that's a beautiful thing, too.


Stop, breathe and start over.

December 22nd, 2009

I woke up today a bit disturbed after remembering the way things turned out. But things are alright. I fixed things. People helped me fix things so my insane anxious depressive episodes wouldn’t ruin my life for no real reason. I can’t say I’ll never be messy again because I probably will, but the storm has calmed for now. I have a lot of things to think about, but I just will not make any big decision based on the withdrawal of whatever makes my brain sane. Not while I’m sane at least… um…

Mood Curve

I know the big messy thing that happened to the curve below the critical point is bad, but I’m more concerned about the “normal life” tendency. I need to change that somehow. Right now I’m like a cold blooded animal. If I want to be warm, I need to be exposed to something warm, the moment warm goes away I get cold immediately. I want to be a warm blooded animal. I want stability. I want to remain warm even when things go cold.

Intrusive thought

December 22nd, 2009

“I try but I’m completely convinced that I will fail.  I cannot do this.  It’s only a matter of time before everybody notices and sees how much of a failure I am.  I’ve been so lucky and given so many opportunities I don’t deserve more.”











ad infinitum.


December 21st, 2009

Loved this quiz-bulleting from myspace because it was so fun to answer! So I’m going to keep it.

Psychoanalyze Yourself. Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!)

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. who is with you?
Someone with no face. A girl.

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
Some sort of miniature pink elephant. (*shrugs* it said first thing that comes to mind)

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I pet it.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. Describe it.
When it says house deep in the woods I can not think of anything else with my mum, perima, krithi, kavin and charan and of course Anipra.The house is filled with Karthigai Deepam(full of lights)  (again, not the ideal house for me, just the first thought in my mind)

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
Nope. It has lots of flowers and fruit trees, maybe they used them as a fence someday but someone started eating them so now there are only a few.

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
There are some apples,rice,chicken,fish. The table has no tablescloth. Around there are no chairs… weird.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
Pink porcelain.

8. What do you do with the cup?
I accidentally kick it and it breaks.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water is it?
A small crystalline lake.

10. How will you cross the water?
I take a swim.


1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
Oh i love my girl with no face…

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life. Dude! it was a miniature elephant! Hahahah, elephants are huge, and this one was a miniature elephant… Hahhaha what does that mean…

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
I pet my problems… wtf.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
My ambition glows like light. m mm!.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.
flowers & fruits semi-fence, very open, whoever needs to come can just eat all fruits. Yay! …Although in real life my fence is more like high and made of concrete.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
Apples, Rice, Chicken, Fish! I can’t eat apples and chicken because my braces break, so that’s sort of no food for me. But I’m not unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.
HAHAHAH Oh… porcelain, porcelain.

8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
Literally a relationship breaker? Hahahah. Good one.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
It definitely had the word “small” in it….
… HA.

10. The way you cross the water is representitive to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
A swimmer swimming through a small crystalline lake…

wow, I hope so.

I had no idea who I was

December 21st, 2009

NOT A CLUE. Not the slightest thing to cling on to serve as a pattern for having intense fun through the misery of others a little. Because I knew that’s what most people were doing. I didn't care anymore about  anyone or anything for the matter what happened in my life. My realization was a huge crush with the world.

I decided I hated my current pattern of thoughts. I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to be NORMAL. I wanted to laugh and have lots of friends and have a girl friend and be like all those people that look so happy.

So shall i work on it?

What happened is that I passed from being moodless to be predominantly depressed.

I had not been able to make all this into shape before… right now it seems like it makes sense, but I had not considered it before.

Maybe this crash I had, between my inner world deprived of feelings and full of logic and reasoning; and the ideal of something that would be more fulfilling and ordinary is the origin of my depression.

Maybe not, but at least I have one hypothesis now.

In the PRESENT time, and after a lot of struggling, I’ve managed to balance things. They say balance is good, but balance is also ordinary. Extremes are special, and I still want to be special. I’ve had some of the best experiences ever when in AIRVOiCE (my office) . But I feel less smart, and many times I feel lots of guilt for leaving my little exceptional world pursuing something… so vain?

I wanted so badly to be normal. But I don’t want to be ordinary either.

Idealy, I’d like to be special and at the same time, normal.

I didn’t feel anything before. Now I feel too much.

And honestly, I don’t know what’s better.

Charan's 2nd Birthday

December 21st, 2009

We can hardly believe it's true.
Our little boy is turning two!

We celebrate a person who
Brings happiness to everyone,
Someone who gives more than he gets,
And fills our lives with joy and fun.

It’s your birthday and I can’t be there
But I’ll send you a special birthday wish and a little prayer
Have a happy birthday Charan(The biggest man in our family!)


December 19th, 2009

Need to give myself a little boost of good stuff. Apart from eating a giant idly & dosai,

What makes you happy at home?

This one is easier. My music is here, my room is here, my computer is here. I get along pretty well with my family. I like waking up late to eat an improvised breakfast. I love my mom, she’s all around the place, always happy and without her I probably would be much bored up than I am. My room, although not messy and cool as heaven, it’s my place, I can just lie down to think about irrelevant stuff that happened with anipra. I try to associate it with sleeping, my bed I’ve owned after I was born but I still don’t have problems falling asleep in.

What makes you happy with your friends and family?

My family is my stability. They are all weird. I love when they all get along and have a good time. When all five of us watch tv together mocking whatever comes on; when I wake up in the middle of the night and they are all asleep, safe under this roof. All family moments that I remember from my childhood are happy.

My friends. I haven’t been good in this area. I love and care about these people lots, and I’m sure many love me and care about me. But I have problems with calling someone a friend although I refer to some as friends in general, for practical purposes (“Hello, this is my…......................... eh,
person who spends lots of time with me, and talks to me a lot, and cares about me, but sometimes fights with me and it’s something that could be friendship but I have trust issues so I’d rather keep my distance and I don’t really believe in pure friendship… friends
Mano and Kalpana!').
But this isn’t about the issues, is about the happy moments… so, I guess it makes me happy to feel like I belong to something; when I have an amazing conversation with someone; when I feel like have a part in that person’s life, for good or bad; when I’m able to hang around with them without feeling like a stranger; when I can just sit for a while and not say much and still feel comfortable; when I see somebody after a long while of being away and we instantly click like no time has passed.

What makes you happy when you’re by yourself?

I’m good at enjoying my time alone. I can find a million of things to do. I can think of a million things, or nothing at all. It makes me happy that I can be happy by being alone, and being weird without scaring myself. I like singing until my throat hurts . Then I laugh like a true insane person. I make weird sounds as I please for no reason. I lie on the floor on the tiles that are cooler. When I’m by myself but not so alone as to do these crazy things, I just daydream a lot, or write or listen to music, while thinking. OR, I enjoy my awesome dreams. Or I have laughing fits after random unprocessed funny thoughts that would be impossible to explain and if someone happens to find me laughing and asks about it, I can only say “Nothing.” And then laugh at that.

What do you love to do?

I love to sleep(but i can't), to eat, to be lazy. I love to laugh, I love spending time with someone who makes me laugh(especially with Vicky) . I love having awesome conversations with incredibly interesting people. I love when I listen to music and it’s just perfect. I love to accomplish something. I love to go to an unknown place. I love to try unknown things.

What would you do with your life today if you weren’t afraid of failure?

I’d probably wouldn’t go back to work, would forget about medicine. I’d get out of this city and explore the surroundings and the awesome places in here, then get the hell out of my treatment and go to every place as possible, try as many things as possible and maybe find a place I belong to. I’d improve my English until perfection by talking to as many people as possible. I would study photography, I’d capture the best things in the world in images. I’d marry anipra and have amazing life with her. I would tell people what I feel without being afraid of being disliked or rejected. I would read a lot and learn a lot about the most fascinating, most useless things in the universe without worrying about them not being practical for the “real world”.

What’s not working in your life?

I don’t know… Obviously, my emotional instability. My confusion career-wise. My lack of physical energy to do the million things my mind would like to do. My shyness and fear of people that stop me from going my way. My need to think of a way to do something I enjoy for a living and not be caught in a super stressing life just to earn enough money to someday have an actual life.

What are you currently doing that prevents you from experiencing joy?

Before: Pushing myself too hard at work to the point I didn’t exist anymore.

Now: Thinking too much, not acting out enough. Thinking that maybe thinking is better than any action in this moment. Neglecting my relationships with people, then expecting they all come my way when I need it.

Thinking too much.

I don’t have any books right now. Would anyone send me cool e-books at least?

What’s working in your life?

I’m mentally growing a lot, learning new things, changing, always trying to learn more. If it’s been possible to change in the past, then it’s possible to change whenever I find myself stuck in a dead end.

Which relationships are working in your life?

Family – all of them. Anipra – Still in a confusing place, lets-see-what-happens thing. Getting along pretty well lately and having fun. A nice comeback of my sister(hema). A new friend, helped me lots through the worst times. An old friend with a conversation yet to be done, after solving a lot of issues.

Who’s not working in your life?

The people who totally forgot about me the moment I stopped cohabiting with them.
Some old online friends who I cared about lots like real life friends but didn’t reciprocate.
Really, nothing is really wrong about relationships, except those I don’t have.

Who in your life is subtracting value from and adding misery to it?

Right now. Nobody. Two years ago, one of my friends.

Do you believe you should you let them go from your life?

Yes, nobody should go. I let go that friend from two years ago. Now he’s back and I’m immune to him.

What’s the single most important thing you’ve learned about yourself as a result of answering these questions?

I don’t know… That I have lots of things to figure out? That my life is a bit on hold while I’m still in this particular studying cycle. But it should get better later. It better does.


December 18th, 2009

Me. I am Me. One person. Among a couple of billions. One.

Me. One? No. More than one. A lot. There’s one Me in the head of every single person or creature who has ever known of my existence.

A world of mirrors. A reflection in every eye. A distorted one. One of them is distorted. No, not just one. I’m sure several of them are. None are like each other. They are all different. Hundreds of them looking back at me. Back at who? At what? Me? Which me, again? Which is the right one? They are all different.

How can it be? They are all me. One version in each reflection. A distortion caused by the surface. Source. Where is the original? I can’t see it. If it exists, how to tell? I can see reflections. Distorted reflections. Reflections that come from a source. I can’t see the source. All the reflections are different. I need a formula. I need to factorise this.

I have too, a reflective surface. A distorted one. Can I see the originals? Can they see me? Every one of them reflect on me. Hundreds of reflective bodies. How many are we? Billions. A world of billions reflected. An endless house of mirrors.

Personal Victory

December 18th 2009

Wow, I have so many ideas for blogging. But I find myself unable to elaborate. Yesterday I typed continuously on my word processor, but after 2 or 3 hours, I decided to delete the file.

Last week I spent the whole time on bed, doing nothing. I didn’t want to have contact with anyone, I didn’t want to give explanations, I got away from everyone, it’s better that way.

If depression was like going deep in a dark sea of confusion and despair, right now I’m heading back to the surface. But there’s no one waiting for me to come back up. I can’t express how much I wish to have some deep contact with someone now, I want to hug someone and tell them that I have not drown after all! I have a sense of acomplishment I wish to share…

I don’t feel bad, after all, I know that this is something that matters to me and to me only.

And it’s still a happy moment, as sad as this post seems to sound.

Abstract Selfishness

December 17th, 2009

It’s not a good idea.

But is it my fear speaking? Or am I right and I’m just dreaming little boy’s dreams? Maybe I am just wanting to have a different life? Better?

Unrealistic expectations?

Will ANYTHING EVER be good enough for me?

What the hell is wrong? Why can’t I take life as it is? why am I never satisfied? Why am I always loking outside trying to get something better? I want satisfaction. I want to feel fulfilled. Why? That’s not the way life it’s supposed to be, life it’s supposed to be hard, with sacrifices.

I don’t mean I want it to be hard.

I just mean… I think I’m going to hit a giant brick wall after I realize the world isn’t the way I thought, after I go out and find out everything else (and everyone else) is just the same way than the things I loathe (and the people). And then I’ll be caught in a world I hate, and it’ll only be my fault, for expecting too much. Why am I expecting so much, who drew butterflies and rainbows in my mind, and why can’t I get rid of them?

But maybe, just maybe, the world and things I dream of may be just real, somewhere.

It’s nothing speficic.

I just want satisfaction.

I want real, steady satisfaction.

Not the crazy maniac episodes of fake excitement.

A little window showing what “happy” is but not letting me in completely.

ONE word

December 17th, 2009


Your girlfriend:

Your hair:

Your mother:

Your Father:

Your Favorite Item:

Your dream last night:

Your Favorite drink:

Your Dream Car:

The room you are in:

Your Ex:

Your fear:

What you want to be in 10 years:

Who you hung out with last night:

What You’re Not:

One of Your Wish List Items:

What time is it:

The Last Thing You Did:

What You Are Wearing:

Your Favorite Weather:

Your Favorite Book:

The last thing you ate:

Your Life:

Your Mood:

Your best friend:

What are you thinking about right now:

Your car:

What are you doing at the moment:

Your summer:

Your relationship status:

What is on your TV:

What is the weather like:

When is the last time you laughed:

When is the last time you cried:

Who was your first kiss:

Do you like your appearance:

Meme One

December 16th, 2009

i am : sitting, breathing and doing nothing particularly productive except
pushing my deconditioning syndrome to further levels.
i think : a lot, but I am 3 brains short of what I could be thinking if I could
get them. And then I’d go nuts.
i know : how to react with peoples.
i want : to have an all countries visa to go everywhere.
i have : good thoughts.
i wish : i want my anipra back.
i hate : beans.
i miss : being with anipra.
i fear : the moment right before dying, and worms.
i feel : relaxed
i hear : myself typing… there am I! And there am I again! And… well, just
now,“Air on G string” started. I adore that song.
i smell : Nothing whatsoever.
i crave : Pollution.
i search: for… um. Nothing.
i wonder: How to answer the question above.
i regret :I usually don’t regret things. Right now I can’t think of anything.
i love : my new home(my room).
i ache : my eyes.
i care : about learning more and more about everything.
i always: sleeping short only(4/24hrs).
i am not: a liar.
i believe: that not drinking water for a few days can kill you.
i dance : pretty not well.
i sing : under the rain
i cry : sometimes
i don’t always: show up on time.
i fight : with my closest friends.
i write : in a second language.
i win : Nothing … ?
i lose : most things in my life and I carry! because I can’t pay attention to
what I’m holding.
i never : have manners when eating
i confuse: right from left.
i listen : to music in my random “AR RAHMAN” playlist in iTunes.
i can usually be found: in front of the computer. (See Bloggers in the
Animal world, coming soon)
i am scared: of darkness? I still think something might come up from
there, and then it would mean I’ve finally lost my mind.
i need : ice creams… and peace.
i am happy about: feeling better.

Quiz 1

December 16th, 2009

Your Bed Says You Have Your Head in the Clouds

Outward appearances are a concern of yours, but not your primary concern. You try to take care of yourself and your home, but it's not an obsession.

You are an organized and disciplined person. You do the right thing because you want to, not because people expect you to.

You are not very high maintenance in general, but you are high maintenance about a few things.

In relationships, you tend to kick back and let the other person be in charge.

You tend to be a dreamy, head in the clouds type of person. You think in terms of possibilities.

You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.

Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!

You Are the Guru

You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.
You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.

You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.
You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.

You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.
Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like.

Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!

You Are 40% Kinky

You're quite kinky, and you've been known to be somewhat adventurous in the bedroom.
But you also have a pretty firm line that you won't cross!

You know what you like. And you know what you don't like. And that's that.
You're willing to experiment a little, but you prefer your kink in very small doses.

Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.

Your birthday is powerful Find out what it means for your future!

Many things about me

December 15th, 2009

I need to start working but I can’t. I also haven’t blogged for 4 months
( Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov) because a lot has happened in a short time. I’ll get around it eventually but the main idea is that I’m working again. I’m not seeing my readers but doing research work. It’s flexible schedule
and I can work from home, seems perfect. It’s my best chance to graduate, but something is not right.

I’m a little sick of my own complaining. I’ll just record a few unconnected thoughts for posterity.

1. I often fear I’m going to die before I accomplish everything I want to do. I don’t want to die without leaving a mark. And the little scratch I made in a tree when I was 16 doesn’t count.

2. I do like the person I am and what I’m becoming. It is a great help to like yourself. It is a good feeling, and a good tool to deal with adversity. I can appreciate it now because it’s not always been this way.

3. My self esteem is not too great most of the time. I’ve hated myself. I’ve disliked myself deeply and for a long time.

4. I probably only like myself now because I haven’t been around other people in a while. Know the phrase “I only like me when I’m alone”?. Nevertheless, I think this perception is more accurate than the one I get when I’m around other people, as the latter is a result of social anxiety and lack of assertiveness in many situations that trigger automatic thoughts of self loathing.

5. I often find myself doing wishful thinking about what my life would be if I could live abroad. And feel frustrated at the fact that I can’t do it now. It drives me nuts the possibility of dying after only knowing a teeny tiny portion of the planet.

6. However, I also fear to make my dream come true in case I screw up. But it’s also true that there are lots of places to go.

7. My ethnicity is not a big part of my identity now, but it might be when I live somewhere else.

8. My looks don’t really worry me much most of the time. I’m glad my brain is not obsessing about that.

9. I usually think that if I don’t write down my thoughts, I will forget them. I have a terrible memory.

10. I've read some of my old posts without recognizing what I was thinking at the time.

11. I wish I was a better writer, because I dislike not being able to present my thoughts in a reliable way. It’s very possible that the things I remember about my life and myself are not very reliable. I can remember the retelling of a story, but with each retelling the story changes shape until there’s only a vague idea of what the original thought was. It drives me nuts.

12. Memories are often linked with emotions. I suspect I lack some conection between my cerebral cortex and my limbic system, so for any given memory I try to keep, I’ll remember more facts than what the memory is actually supposed to evoke.

13. I’m like a moth to a flame with smart people. I have low tolerance for ignorance, and sometimes that makes me act like an idiot.

14. I fear that because I suffer from depression, the people I care about feel inhibited when they are going through hard times. Just because I’m not doing well at any given time doesn’t mean I think other people’s problems are less important.

15. In 2008, I, for the first time pictured what it would be like if I and Anipra had a child and smiled at the thought. I must have been independent at the time.

16. I don’t think I’m going to work as a Business Man. It’s not only because it’s hard but because I don’t want to. I still want to graduate to get some closure and open some doors in the world of opportunities.

17. In one year and four months I will have lived a quarter of a century. O_o

18. I suspect I might be mildly in love with Anipra again. For the people who know me, this should be shocking. Except they probably already know by now.

19. I’m not too fond of clothes.

20. I would love to go to elliots beach but I wouldn't like to live in one of those higher communities.

21. One day I’d like to: Buy an Himalayan rail pass and everything else I would need for an Kashmir trip; do the kashmir trip; do snow riding; visit the Great Himalayas and scuba dive.

22. I would like to learn to speak Dutch, to dust off my math-related brain synapses, and to learn some physics. For now.

23. I would like to play piano. I always picture myself playing piano for my favorite ar rahman's songs in front of lots of people and imagine the euphoria I’d get off it.

24. If I had the chance to go to the space, I’d be very afraid of leaving the planet. At least without seeing most of it. I’m very fond of the Earth.(its toooooo much i think so ! )

25. I don’t like to feel the sun on my skin. I’m always thinking “Cell damage! Cell damage! DNA breaking! Ahhh!”

26. I have a very clean mind and I like it.

27. I absolutely despise jallikattu(bull catching). Everybody cheers when the bull gets stabbed but it’s a big tragedy if the bull fights back and hurts the human.(in Madurai)

28. I have never seen snow, and I’m currently very jealous of all the people who are enjoying it.

29. I like water, I am good at swimming. But I am not fit enough. You know, sedentarism. I may drown by getting tired.

30. I’ve never really been interested in politics. However, if I find myself obsessed with a specific subject, I will go passionate about it. In my country at least, no political position has appealed me enough.

I always say I’m going to correct that…

If I treated me…

December 15th, 2009

…the way I treat myself…

I would shout insults at him more than once a day.
I would pull his hair and occasionally bang his head against a wall to make him stop thinking so many stupid things.
I would interfere with his work until he’s completely unable to do it. Then I’d make jokes about his incompetence.
Every now and then, I would keep him in a locked space without even allowing him to do anything.
Every time something goes wrong in his life, I would nag him with comments about his worthlessness, all day, all week until something else distracts me.
I would blame him of absolutely everything that goes wrong.
I would tell him he doesn't deserve to have any friends because he annoys them to death.
I would take away his hope.
I would tell him that his existance is pointless.
Even more, I would constantly threaten to kill him.
I kind of like him, and sometimes I’m good with him, but after all of this,

why is he still hanging out with me?

Being hard on yourself sometimes can have benefits, if you’re talking about things like discipline and self control, but this is crazy, it’s completely counterproductive.


December 14th, 2009

I have been having more than a few morbid thoughts. It’s depressive and annoying stuff .
Yes, I know I should do that more often, but what can you do now… Bite me.

(Eh… very mature Prabhu)

My moods have been going down, slow and steady. For a while it was the usual, chronic state of fatigue and hopelessness with causal lifts. I am obviously bad enough that I’m off work, I have cut off most relationships (or they have cut me off, anyway) and I am reduced to a living being who only seems to survive. There are toys that do more stuff than I do.

But of course there was room for it to become worse.

So it did.

It became a complete mess where I don’t want to do anything at all, the lifts are reduced to something worthless or non existent, and then, rather suddenly, anxiety took over completely.

There’s something about anxiety. Somehow my brain thinks that it is in such a threat that it needs to get away from whatever it is, right this second (fight or flight response). If the threat was a lion in the corner, then I’d run away from it, and, voila! problem solved (I don’t run that fast, but that’s another issue). However, in my case the threat is unspecific and it’s perceived to be everywhere, particularly inside my own brain.

There are no words to describe what that feels like (fine, technically there *are*, but I don’t know how to use them). It’s hard to breathe, my heart rate goes to the roof, everything seems distorted and horrible, and there’s a certainty that I’m going to die a horrible death any

And here’s the worst part: NOTHING HAPPENS!

The brain gets ready to face a danger that never comes around. The state of mind perpetuates into something so unbearable that death seems to be a very good alternative.

My suicidal ideation has indeed become worse. Yes. But this I’m experiencing right now, this I figured it’s not a true wish to die. I just want to knock myself out. I want the anxiety to stop.

I’ll take care of the rest at a later time.

Note: Knowing that you are experiencing anxiety doesn’t make it any better. Cognition is very useless in these cases.

Brain Bugs

December 14th, 2009

When I created this blog, I didn’t intend it to be a journal on depression. I didn’t make any plans at all. I just wanted to have a mental record of a lot of things that don’t fit in my tiny memory.

But reading the latest entries, I can see how everything spins around depression. Boring. Now, when I turn off the computer, things don’t really change. It’s not that I focus too much on feeling depressed, is that it’s all there is at the moment.

Right now I am very irritable, so much that every little sound pierces my skull, I can’t even stand the voices of my family, and rage builds up inside me when they decide to ask me what the hell is wrong. Argh, people, just leave me the hell alone. But at the same time, don’t go.

I’ve not been sleeping most of the time, and this is weird even for me. I've been not sleeping
over 21 hours a day.

The brain keeps going from one glitch to the other.

Ping !

December 13th, 2009

Recently my sleep patterns have become ridiculous. It has been as though someone has mis-set a timer in my brain. Three hours and ping! wide awake.

Yesterday though I actually felt tired, and you know what, it was kind of lovely. After all the relentless energy I enjoyed being a bit quiet and sleepy. I needed that break, that space. And last night I slept for a blissful six hours.

I am not very well physically at the moment. My head hurts, my limbs ache and I keep having little hot and cold shivers. But I am relieved to realise this - for a little while I was scared my mood was crashing. My experience of depression is so physical that I can't always tell which kind of unwell I am.

She always said I was domesticated

December 13th, 2009

As a 1930s husband, I am
Very Superior

0-24 - Very Poor (Failure)
25-41 - Poor
42-58 - Average
59-75 - Superior
76+ - Very Superior
This is 148 out of 200. Maybe my score was higher because I indicated I’m okay with my anipra.
Whoops in my dreams !

Self appraisal form

December 12, 2009

Had to fill my self appraisal form for the year 2009.

It’s very difficult to say what is your strength and weakness are.

But I had to do it. I do not want to show my weakness, which

others is yet to be aware of.

To fill the form, I made a list of tasks/acheivements and later

edited it for clarity. Few of the questions I asked in the process are:

1. What are my specific acheivements?
2. What are my critical skills in my business?
3. What are the developments that I had when compared to
previous year?
4. What are new skills, process that I learned ?
5. Did I hinder any tasks?
6. Did I volunteer to additional tasks and responsibilty?
7. What are the new capabilities that I need to carry out my
current and future tasks?
8. About my communication skills?
9. What kind of influence I had on my team?
10. What are the skills that I lack?
11. My dedication and punctuality.
12. Did I acheive my previous year goals?
13. How could I improve?
14. How could I prove?
15. What are my goals for this new year?