January 30th, 2009

Healing will come

One must be strong

Patience is key

Everything takes time

Cocktail Time

January 29th, 2009

This page is a record of my med changes, starting in December ‘08. Prior that I had been on pretty stable doses and didn’t really see a need to document my med regiment anywhere. Now I do. Most current cocktail will always be at the top.


Silybon, 140mg 1
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1
Sulpitac, 50 mg, 1 (2 at a time - only in dire emergencies haven’t taken any since start of December)
Becozinc 1 cap


Silybon, 140mg 1
DEPAKOTE, 250mg 1
Sulpitac, 50 mg, 1
Oleanz plus 1
Mirtaz, 15 mg 1

Sleep; if only i could manage it at the right time

January 28th, 2009

It's been a strange weekend where I seem to have spent much of the daytime asleep and much of the night-time awake. The problem with not sleeping properly at night is that I have a tendency to drop off to sleep exceedingly easily whenever I sit down somewhere comfortable during the day. And it's not just a nap either; I am regularly sleeping for three or four hours at a time. I still manage to get to sleep when I go to bed at night, but I wake up after just a few hours and can't get back to sleep again.

I'm hoping that having a couple of weeks with no appointments will allow me to get back into a proper sleep routine. A routine where I sleep at night and not during the day.

I am not too anxious about the coming days, I'm not too upset about the fact that I will be on my own, and neither am I too upset about the thought of having to spend some of my time writing essays.

And best of all, I don't have a terrible cold and chest tension like I did at this time last few days which meant that I didn't have the strength to get out of my bed.

Null pointer

January 27th, 2009

Now is there programmer who can escape from the clutches of the null pointer? I think no. It is like the “Yeldra natu sani” every C programmer is destined to suffer from it. Suddenly the error may popped up from Windows Media player.

Meanwhile, I wonder what they teach at those so called premier institutes of computer engineering. One of computer science grad names a variable as “anded” because it stores the result of bit wise and of two other variables.

# Tcl snippet
set anded [hexpr $addr & $def(MASK)]
puts $anded

A dark place

January 25th, 2009

I have just spent the last couple of days in a very dark place. It has not been a comfortable experience and it is not over yet. Much of the last 36 hours has been spent sleeping, yet even here I am not safe. I needed the sleep, having slept very badly for the last couple of weeks, but I did not need the nightmares, and the strange noises that woke me at regular intervals.

I don't want to hear the doorbell ringing at 6 in the morning, or a dog barking beside me when I don't have a dog. All of these things have happened in the last 24 hours, and none of them were real. They were all in my mind.

Being in such a dark place is not where I want to be, but getting out of it is not easy. Today I will try to focus my mind on writing an essay. It will not be easy, I know, but only by focusing on one thing at a time can I hope to avoid the dark thoughts invading my mind all the time.

Searching for encouragement

January 24th, 2009

I have been aimlessly searching the internet for blogs, articles, and forums to provide me strength in this latest depression. There is some really good stuff out there. Nothing however, replaces the response from lasting friends. I was able to call 2 friends yesterday and just talk. It felt so wonderful. I do feel better today. I am just waiting, begging, and pleading for my creative writing to come back to me. My creative writing has been a great part of my healing. In my manias I have had dreams of becoming a renowned author. In my depressions I have felt my writing’s resembled that of a first grader. Somewhere in-between has been the quiet stillness of emergent writing that continues to provide strength and growth. I can’t lose site of my purpose: to express myself in the journey with bipolar and to hopefully help others along the way.


January 23rd, 2009

I walked into the waiting room of my pdoc’s office today feeling better than my last visit. As I sat there, however, I wondered if how I feel now is as good as it gets. I am not having major panic attacks, I don’t have the overwhelming weakness that goes with major depression, and most important I am starting to feel a bit of confidence. I have gone weeks with the feeling that depression has set up camp in my soul. Now it is like the calm after a storm. My soul is more settled.

Medication has helped. I don’t enjoy having to take it. But I feel it is working. My pdoc has really worked hard to find the correct medication and the right dosage. I am learning to trust. She hopes that gradually my symptoms will cease. I do pray so. In the meantime, I continue on in my journey even in its difficulty.

This is bad

January 22nd, 2009

This is bad. Since I have been in this episode, it has been hard for me to be creative. I couldn’t even think of a title for this post. Writing is hard. Reading is harder. I can’t seem to get my eyes to settle on the page and my mind wants to drum up worries. Worry, what a stupid thing to do. It does not help make anything any better. It drives the depression and anxiety to higher levels.

I am sorry folks. The only thing more depressing than me right now is the news. I hate being such a drag. I know I will get better. I always get better. I just wanted to be better yesterday. I have found with this kind of episode wellness comes slowly each day with some days of setbacks. Like taking two steps forward and one step backwards. Then one day, poof! I realize “Hey I am better.” I am longing for that day.

For sure, this time around I am not going to help my relapses with not caring for myself. (I know I say that every time.) This time I really mean it. Losing track of your feelings and not paying careful attention to yourself makes disaster brew (or a bad case of mania and depression).

Some days I am grateful for this illness. I am a much deeper person because of it. But not today. Today I loathe it and wish it away. Somehow, I think that makes me one step closer to acceptance.


January 21st, 2009

I’m not just sitting around waiting for my medication to work. I have been doing the things that are healthy for me. My therapist and I have had some good sessions of late. I am just not better. I try to will myself better to no avail. The truth is when you are depressed no amount of will power will make it go away. This depression has been so hard. I keep remind myself that it is an illness not a weakness. I tell myself all the other things that seem to help at a time like this. I just can’t shake it. I am so frustrated with myself. I just WANT IT TO GO AWAY.

I get up every day and trudge through work. I am grateful that I am still functional. On the weekends I just crash because I have no energy left. I’m try to be patient and kind to myself.

For all of you out there that know where I am-prayers are wanted.


Thankful therapy

January 20th, 2009

Yesterday, I went to see my therapist. Therapy helps me to organize my thoughts. I have so many. Sometimes I think my brain will explode with everything I think of. I spend a lot of time drumming up worries. My brain will prattle on telling myself things that may or may not happen. I talk about my thoughts with my therapist. She reminded me yesterday of some things I can be thankful for.

1. My heart no longer beats out of my chest with nasty panic attacks.

2. I had a great weekend.

3. Today is pay day.

4. I am enough. I am all I can be at the moment and that is okay.

This is the time of the year I begin to be thankful. I love the fall season. It reminds me to stop and consider the great things in my life instead of dwelling on everything that is wrong.  Also, coming out of depression makes it all the more important for me to focus on things that are going well. I have to discipline myself to maintain this line of thinking. Turning on the TV is hard right now. There is so much discussion about the uncertainty of things. That dialogue only adds to my stress. I try to avoid the news and rest in the good things that are.

“We may define therapy as a search for value.” Abraham Maslow

Masking the Pain

January 19th, 2009

I had to go to a dinner the other night. I placed the “fake face” on and went. I felt lousy, but I could not bail out of this obligation. I had already excused myself before several times. I knew I was wearing a mask to hide my pain, but I did not feel fake. I think it was because I was choosing to “put on an act” to protect myself. Not every place is the perfect time to indulge that you are having a recurrence of your bipolar episode. In fact, it is the rare moment that one is able to discuss it at all. If I had a headache, arthritis, or a common cold it would be acceptable to talk about how I feel. Emotional illnesses are tricky. The main thing to remember is they ARE illnesses.

So I wear the mask.


January 18th, 2009

My wish is to be rid of the symptoms of chronic depressive disorder. For now, I will take just having a sense of calm. Admist the symptoms I can remain calm. Feeling panic, fear, and anxiety overhwelm me. Life seems to complicated. I am afraid. I breathe. I feel. The calm comes. To be completely free from chronic depressive disorder would be a miracle. I believe in miracles, but my faith is small for me to receive one. Whatever happens, I seek the best possible normal condition I can have.

It is temporary

January 17th, 2009

I am tired of taking medication for my chronic depressive disorder. I know that this is temporary . . .but I am growing impatient. I feel my liver is going to just poop out on me with all these different medicines. Again, I remind myself that this is temporary, the alternative is much more disagreeable . . .

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” ~Lance Armstrong

Time for change

January 16th, 2009

Everybody keeps talking about change. I would love a change in my circumstances right now. I dream of a strong warrior coming in and sweeping away all the anxiety and depression. My family would be very content and I would be really happy.

So my life is not a movie or a story with a happy ending. No one is going to magically take away my anxiety and depression. Medication and therapy help, but they don’t cure me. There are SO many things that play into recovering from an episode. I remember during my early days of this battle with mental illness. After my first break with reality, it took a long time for me to recover. My illness went into remission and for two months I had the emotions of a normal person. That was three months ago. For the past three months I have been on this bipolar roller coaster that has made me sicker than a ride at the county fair. I have had stretches of relief, but not like those earlier days. I try to remember what I was doing that might have made it better-maybe something I am missing. I have had plenty of time to search myself honestly and I think I am doing what I can.

I have to keep believing I will not only recover from this episode but will maintain sanity. Without this hope, my life is lost. I have accepted that my illness will always be with me. It is a part of me. But it’s a fraction not the whole. Yes, there is change for me. Big or small I will accept it.

What medication brings

January 15th, 2009

I have been really pleased so far with my medication combination. It has brought my mood up and has helped me to balance out my emotions. Before, I was one big anxious and depressed soul that could not find relief. The last medicine change left me very tired and groggy. I felt like I was in a fog. It’s funny the medicine is supposed to take away the rain cloud hanging over our heads, but often times it creates one. So far there hasn’t been any jittery feelings. Those increase my battle with anxiety. I have not had nausea. Which is such a blessing. Most importantly, I have gained weight. I have been watching what I eat. With my last medication I had an increase of about 2kgs.

I only have a couple of problems. One I have is with my memory. It is a side effect to two of my medications. I have forgotten dates & confused, and have been late to several
appointments. I can’t remember words. I will be talking and I know what I want to say, but I can’t get the word to come to mind. That is very frustrating. I get self-conscious about and wonder if other people notice it. Finally my creative writing is now non-existent. I think this is the hardest for me to accept. I hope it will return. It has met so many needs in my life and I feel really good about myself when I am writing.

I guess all things considered I should be grateful for the increase in mood and decrease in depression and anxiety. I am obsessive, perfection is something I long for. I am learning to be content in where I am.

Wish You Happy Pongal

January 14th, 2009

... I've woken up, realised it's pongal, so I've opened the pongal cards that had arrived over the last few days. It's nice to know that some people care. & I am going outstation for 10 days so let us have a break...

We're going to need more monkeys

January 14th, 2009

What does not kill me, makes me stronger

Alcohol fuelled drivers

January 14th, 2009

1 in 9 drink driving incidents are caused by 17-21 year olds.
It doesn't take a lot of skill in mathematics to realise that 8 in 9 drink driving incidents, aren't.
In other words, 89% of drink driving accidents are caused by over-21s.

Feeling fine

January 14th, 2009

Two days ago, I was only awake for a few hours at a time - today I woke up at midday and I'm still feeling fine.

What a difference 48 hours can make.

Tamil New Year's Resolutions

January 13th, 2009

I need to stop putting my life on hold.

I need to stop feeling jealous.

I need to stop counting down the hours before it's another day over.

I need to stop searching for reasons.

I need to stop planning what I'll do when "I'm better."

I need to stop expecting sympathy.

I need to stop getting angry when people don't seem to understand.

I need to stop living in limbo.

I need to start living again, whether it's with illness or without. I've written and thought enough times that I don't know how much more of this life I can take. That's because it's not a life - it's an existence, it's surviving. And it's driving me slowly mad. I need to snap out of it and start a proper life. A real life.

And I start tomorrow. These are my (Tamil) New Year's Resolutions.

Wish you all a happy Pongal & Tamil New Year

Happiness is

January 13th, 2009

Happiness is, as the saying goes, different things to different people. I feel that it is a very long time since I could honestly say that I felt happy, but I am sure that as I come out of this period of depression that happiness is something that I will feel again. I suppose that is what keeps me going.

Since I have been writing this blog, a number of other bloggers have left me comments. Some have said that they liked a particular post, some of them have read all my posts and have added me to their blog list, and all of them have given me encouragement. One of them is Hema akka my sister. She has left comments for me on several posts and has told me that she likes it very much, and that warms my heart a little. Actually, it warms my heart a lot.

I'm sure that hema akka is happy sometimes, she does her best, but she has lost much time at school and today only she came here from her place for pongal holidays

Some of us write their blogs as a form of diary of what they have been doing; some as a means of venting their frustration. Some hide behind curtains (for very good reasons). while others are quite open about who they are. But we all write our blogs in the hope that someone will read what we have written and find that they have something in common with us.

We are a strange group of people. We sit at our computers writing about all sorts of things, very often saying things that we would never dream of speaking out loud because we are too shy, or frightened to let others know what we are thinking. But the fact that we can remain relatively anonymous behind our blog names means that we can stand up and be counted over things that matter to us. The list of blogs that I read regularly grows daily as I find new ones that I may find interesting, and I am starting to make more comments on them as the days go by.

In this post I said how nice it is to be read. It is nice, but it can also start to bring happiness to one who is usually so down through no fault of their own.

How to deal with meeting a person with depression like me

January 12th, 2009
It is a sad fact of life but the majority of people in this country feel very uncomfortable about the subject of mental illness. What makes it worse is that a significant proportion of the population are likely to suffer from the most common form of mental illness, depression, at some point in their lives, yet that particularly illness still carries a serious stigma with it.

The problem for the sufferer of depression is that it can be a very debilitating illness, but to the majority of non-sufferers that you meet you show no signs of having anything wrong with you. There are no no stitches, bandages or plaster cast, and you don't require sticks, crutches, or a walking frame to get around. You can be, however, very seriously ill indeed and yet there are no outward signs that would be obvious to those that you meet. So short of carrying a bell or clapper like the lepers of long ago, or wearing a notice around your neck proclaiming "I have depression; treat me carefully" most people would not realise that there is anything wrong with your health.

I don't know how depression manifests itself in other people, I can only describe what I feel, but my depression is not only something that affects the way that I feel about things, it also has some very definite symptoms that I feel physically. When it is at its worst, depression makes me feel as though my head and body are not connected to each other. My body feels numb, like the numbness that you feel in your lip after having an injection at the dentist's, and my head has a woolly feeling with a tendency to feel very light-headed as though I have drunk alcohol on an empty stomach. All of this is combined with an overwhelming desire to cry, though I have no idea what I am crying about, it is just something that I have to do.

I find it impossible to concentrate; reading becomes something that is unbelievably difficult. I have always loved reading, and half an hour with a good book with good music before I lay down to sleep was the perfect end to the day. Now I find that I have to read the same page repeatedly to stand any chance of understanding what I have read. I have always been shy, but depression makes it incredibly difficult to interact with people that I do not know. Social functions become trials that can cause anxiety to build up days in advance, and small talk something to be avoided because you are likely to become tongue-tied while attempting to have the simplest conversation.

When somebody asks you "How are you?" you answer automatically "Fine" although you aren't really, and that if they ask you anything else you are likely to burst into tears. You hate it when they say "Smile, things could be worse" when you know that there is nothing that could make you feel worse than you do at that particular moment and and smiling is the last thing on your mind because you are finding it almost impossible to just exist. If you were to answer the "How are you?" question truthfully, the questioner would become embarrassed and not know how to further the conversation because they would find it difficult to deal with someone with a mental illness.

Mental illness is something that happens to people. They don't ask for it, and they most certainly would prefer not to have it. Unfortunately, while the medical profession has made incredible advances in the treatment of many of the diseases and injuries that affect us physically, diseases of the brain are not so easy to treat. While we are very similar physically, we are all unique mentally; that is what makes it so difficult to 'cure' mental illnesses.

The next time that you meet someone who suffers from depression like me, please remember that they are a human being just like you, they don't want to feel the way that they do, and that you can't catch what they have got through contact with them. But most of all, remember that they don't like being stigmatized because they have a mental illness. Remember that; because at some time in the future the person with depression could be you.

Happy holidays!

January 12th, 2009

Bonus points if you can pick out at least three of the pills used to make this decoration.
Happy pongal & happy holidazes


January 11th, 2009

It's been very quiet out there today; the numbers of readers for my blog is down. Have I not kept people's attention? Was it all a flash in the pan? I haven't had a comment for a couple of days. I hope that it is just a blip.


January 11th, 2009

What is Schizophrenia?

Schizophrenia is a severe brain disorder that affects millions of people worldwide today. It has affected approximately 2.7 million Indian populations. It is one of the poorly understood medical conditions affecting human being. People with schizophrenia not only suffer from frightening symptoms, withdrawal from the immediate world but also frequently results in profound distress to the family members. However this illness is treatable, and new discoveries and treatments are continually improving the outlook for people with this disorder. This illness may start suddenly or in a gradual manner often starting with lack of motivation, fearfulness, hearing of voices and unusual behaviors.

What are the symptoms of Schizophrenia?

Following are some important symptoms of schizophrenia a person may show:

Unusual fearfulness without any basis, suspecting others are trying to harm, follow, plotting against or implicating in some trick

Bizarre beliefs such as aliens controlling him or ability to influence tasks of immense proportion such as the creation of the world

Hearing voices of people not present around or seeing things or people not seen by others

Utterly strange behaviors such as talking or smiling to oneself frequently, assuming postures and maintaining them for long time, sudden violence without any apparent reason or becoming quiet and often bed ridden for long time without speaking or concern for food

Disturbed sleep often as a result of fearfulness, erratic eating habit, inability to relate with family members and friends and poor personal care like wearing dirty dresses for weeks together, not taking bath or brushing teeth and so on

There may be idea or attempt to harm self, suicide or cause injury to others in reaction to annoyances, suspiciousness or extreme fearfulness

When illness become severe person may becomes aimless, home bound, loose job, remains absorbed in self, avoid contact with people and wanders in street when left by family members and not treated

Unfortunately in most cases the person is not able to realize that he or she is ill and does not accept that they need any help, hence refusing visit to a psychiatrist.

Why does one have Schizophrenia?

The exact cause of schizophrenia is not known yet. Various factors are associated with the development of schizophrenia.
Biological factors- Disturbance of the brain chemical dopamine has been to shown to be one of the important factors for development of schizophrenia. Some of the acute symptoms of schizophrenia are result of excess of dopamine in the certain part (mesolimbic area) of the brain. Other factors such as genetic, exposure to influenza during gestational period and birth related minor injuries may also be associated.
Psychosocial factors- Faulty upbringing of a child was earlier thought to be a cause of schizophrenia, which is no more believed today. Excessive emotions towards the patient, both positive (such as over concern) and negative (such as constant nagging) may influence the expression and track of the illness but not a causative factor.


Fortunately Schizophrenia is a treatable condition. Various drugs have been developed to treat Schizophrenia which helps in rectifying abnormalities in the brain. The treatment of Schizophrenia depends on the duration of illness and the treatment should be comprehensive i.e. pharmacological as well as non-pharmacological. Pharmacological treatment includes treatment with drugs like Oleanz, Resperidone, Haloperidol etc.Quel SR (Quel SR is quitiapine sustained release tablets manufactured by Innova pharmaceuticals) andSulpitac (Tablet sulpitac is amisulpride manufactured by SUN pharmaceuticals. This is available in the strength of 50mg, 100mg, 200mg and 300mg tablets) , Nexipride (Nexipride is tablet levosulpride manufactured by SUN pharmaceuticals). This is available in the strength of 50mg and 100 mg (amisulpride) are two new drugs with good efficacy and less side effect. The treatment of Schizophrenia is long term and follow up with the psychiatrist is important to maintain the patient symptom free.

The medications for Schizophrenia should be taken as per prescription of psychiatrist and regular follow up is important.

Feeling better yesterday

January 11th, 2009

Yesterday I said that I was feeling better; well I am a lot better than I have been but things aren't perfect yet. I found that out when I decided that I had better go to bed and couldn't get to sleep. Reading didn't help, I couldn't concentrate on the page and kept reading the same couple of lines over and over again. I'm a lover of hot milky drinks and I had a cup of coffee anyway. And a warm bath was out as I'd had one of those already.

Midnight came and went, so did 1 o'clock, then 2 o'clock. I began to think that this might be one of those nights where I got no sleep at all. But at about 4.30 this morning, my eyelids finally began to droop and I fell asleep with no bother at all.

When my depression is at its worst, I will not sleep it is usual, and then I find that I cannot get back to sleep irregardless of what time I fall asleep. Today was different though. Today I slept right the way through until 9.30, so although I am tired, I have had a reasonable amount of sleep and I don't feel like crawling further under the duvet so that the world can't get at me.

Medicine Glossary

January 11th, 2009

A glossary of medications I will mention in this blog.

Sulpitac 50 mg: rectifying abnormalities in the brain.Sulphitac is the brand name of a medicine called amisulpride. It is to be used only in patients of schizophrenia, not ordinary depression. Its side effects include: anxiety, agitation (very common) apart from sleepiness, constipation, nausea, vomiting and dry mouth. Other side effects include weight gain, acute dystonia (impairment of muscular tone), extrapyramidal side effects (such as involuntary movement of muscles), tardive dyskinesia (involuntary and painful spasm of neck muscles), low blood pressure, low heart rate

OLEANZ PLUS: Drowsiness, weight gain, increased appetite, dizziness, constipation, dry mouth, raised liver enzymes

Mirtaz 15 mg: Drowsiness, dizziness, sleepiness, nausea, dry mouth & Mirtazapine is prescribed for the treatment of major depression. Generic Remeron (Mirtazapine) is thought to work by adjusting the balance of the brain's natural chemical messengers, especially norepinephrine and serotonin.

DEPAKOTE 250 mg :
1) for the prevention of migraine
2) as sole and adjunctive therapy for complex partial seizures in isolation or in association with other types of seizures and simple and complex absence seizures in children with epilepsy ages 10 and above
3) for the treatment of acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder.

Silybon 140 mg: Supportive treatment for liver disease.

BecoZinc: B-complex.

Note 3

January 11th, 2009

I've seen good deeds done by men with ugly faces,
And the gold cup won by the worst horse at the races,
And flowers come in stony places,

So I trust, too."


January 10th, 2009

I'm currently at home and experiencing intense anxiety. I can't remember the name of the medication the consultant talked about this week. Why didn't I ask more at the time?

I'm supposed to be going back to the clinic, though at the moment it seems quite possible that I could just forget all about mental health services and carry on with my "real life" as though it was nothing to do with me. How I can do that. Who was that in clinic? Not me, surely not, I'm an entirely sane and rational person, who has everything under control - except oh, whoops, I don't happen to have another life do I? That other life, that real life, only exists in my internal world. I think I'm disintegrating.

I'm going to say bye for now and think about what I shall write about next. I have a real bee in my bonnet about many things, some of which may be considered very old-fashioned these days, but I am an old-fashioned man who likes good manners, integrity and for people to live and let live. So, I am sure that I am going to upset some, but hopefully will have others crying "I agree with you there".

Is sedation is the answer?

January 9th, 2009



Music pumping in my head.

Obviously, I'm doing this on purpose.

Quite clearly, I am simply thinking the wrong thoughts and should unthink them.

Stupid boy!

(I mean it follows logically, doesn't it, that if I create depression by thinking depressing thoughts, then I also create the wild energy by thinking too many wildly energetic thoughts. And should be able to stop.)

On thursday morning I went back to the dr. I had a OLEANZ and then an hour or so later a Sulpitac and I slept through till five and was spaced and calm all day. In fact, I felt almost quite normal, and life seemed relatively plausible. Perhaps permanent sedation is the answer?

I think the dr is doing a superb job in difficult and pressured circumstances. I don't think I have anything but praise for them.

Thoughts before i go back to doctor

January 8th, 2009

OK, so I was lacking in compassion earlier.

It's still true though. Mental illness is bloody boring, from both the inside and the outside.

And it works both ways. Just as having a mental illness doesn't make you weak/lazy/dangerous/meaningless etc., neither does it mean that you are strong/inspiring/courageous/kind/lovely etc. Most of the time you're just getting through as well or as badly as you can.

I'm just feeling flat. I have contemplated my deep loneliness and how difficult I find it to form relationships. I am ready to go back but guess what, I don't want to.

"But, on the other hand, there is another hand." - Louis MacNeice

Bring back blankness, bring back fear

January 6th, 2009

Bring back anything except this badness. Plain, simple badness, lodged in my body, interfering with my breathing, making me shiver. I have no idea what would make it better. It feels as though nothing will.

Even though I have no food whatsoever and however much I'd like to drink myself into a coma, I am making a tactical decision to keep myself alive for the night in the hope I will feel more human in the morning. I have taken an extra 50mg of sulpitac, the idea being to knock myself out and hopefully soon.

As ANIPRA once said to me, suicide always remains an option, you can always kill yourself later.

I lost my self & i don't know where?

January 6th, 2009

So now I have two tablets of OLEANZ to "help me settle".

I'm totally honest about where my head is then yes, probably I should go back. But I don't want to. I keep thinking - what would it change, what would it solve? My messy life and my messy mind are my life and my mind and I either have to live with them wherever I am, or not. I increasingly think that maybe my choice will be not.

When it comes to suicide I am both dangerous and safe. Safe *because* I'm dangerous. Dangerous because I know too much about it, and I know what works and what mostly doesn't. So I wouldn't get it wrong again. I know exactly what to do.

So why don't you just do it?

Right now I feel angry, and I'm glad to feel angry, I'm glad to feel any kind of energy. I am sick of OLEANZ and Mirtaz15. I feel that I have lost my self, lost my soul, somewhere on the way this year. I remember the self who danced alone when he. I remember the self who loved the universe. Where has he gone? Why can't I find him anymore? Why can't I get him back?

No-mind, No-Mood

January 5th, 2009

Today I have had no mood at all, and very few thoughts. My body has been shaking and the walls have been warping, and the very floor was moving where I knelt on it and laid my hands on it to try to find something solid, somewhere.

My aunty came to see me, and I do believe we had a conversation, though I remember very little of it, I only remember hearing my mouth make polite but stuttering noises from a great distance.

I am completely disconnected. I stare out the window in vague puzzlement. What world is this then, that I happen to find myself in? Am I an alien, accidentally arrived here? I can recite facts - the date, the year, the place, my name - but they seem arbitrary. I can pull up a few images from the last few months, but they seem like someone else's memories. Who was that? I'm sure it wasn't me. This reality seems only one reality in a whole complex layering of them, and not the most familiar.

I sit in front of a computer, in my room. I look around the room, and the room goes haywire, the walls twist, the stacks of books ripple and pulsate, the elephants on the mantelpiece start marching. I cannot get outside this experience, there is nothing outside this experience, this is how things are.

Now thoughts do come - I am thinking about the dimensional shift, I am thinking about the origin of dreams - they're not my thoughts, they are the thoughts the world thinks in me, my mind is a giant receiver, that can be tuned to different channels.

It's nine o'clock so I will take my medication. It seems a strange ritual. I start to wonder if the tablets make me good. Right now.

Sujatha’s Sujatha

January 4th, 2009

Writer Sujatha

January 4th, 2009

This is my most favorite photograph of Writer Sujatha. This picture originally appeared on one of his books, Puthiya Pakkangal published by Kumari Pathippagam. I actually re-shot this from the book using a digicam.

Puthiya Pakkangal was published in ‘93. So this must have been clicked atleast 15-16 years back when Sujatha was still sporting a moustache and picking up grey hairs. Though he wasn’t exactly from the middle class even then, this picture somehow profiles a middle-aged, middle class Indian with sharp features. The striped shirt adding to the middle class working man’s look.

Simply curious to know if he was actually posing for the flick. Or it could be clicked while he was still thinking how to complete next week’sthodarkathai. Photographer isn’t credited in the book but he surely did a good job with this photograph. I wish this will be used as the official photograph.


January 4th, 2009

I picked up vaathiyaar’s{sujatha} picture above from a kumudam column. He was resembling Dravid and hence put them togehter to see if anyone except me felt the same.


January 4th, 2009

Rajeev: We know that Mani Ratnam has been an influence and a mentor. While you were doing ad films, he offered you Roja and most of your best work has been with him. Tell us as to what kind of relationship do you share with him. Is it something apart from just the director-composer relationship? Are you two friends? Do you hang out outside the studio?

A R Rahman: We don’t hang out much (laughs). What is really a relationship? A relationship means the first good experiences, like first love and you always remember that. He picked up the best out of my work and said, “This is you.” He was the first one who gave me a good work. For us, it’s been a challenge to cross each thing from Bombay to Iruvar. Whenever we sit, we don’t talk about old things, rather we try sharing a new frequency to create the same magic again.

This is one heck of a not-to-miss Rahman interview[Via Ajay]. Truly. IBN’s interviewer Rajeev Masand has done a good job by not asking those cliched questions again. Instead, I found some important questions asked, probably for the first time to Rahman. Though Rahman manages to keep out of controversial ones with a practised ease.

If you are a Rahmaniac, you should read this one, without a question. .

Street photography

January 3rd, 2009

Street photography is more challenging form of photography. Difficult than getting best macro shot, or portrait shot. The photos need to have life in them. Techniques seldom matters in street photography as the scene is so dynamic and it doesn’t wait for anybody. A successful street photography- or any photograph for that matter - is when eye, mind and heart come together.

Che & Castro

January 3rd, 2009

I cried

January 3rd, 2009

Note 2

January 2nd, 2009

That you want to say something but it is already said.

That you want to write something but it is already written

Note 1

January 2nd, 2009

“Whatever the future holds it will hurt or please you less than you imagine”

“Searching for evidence that could prove you wrong is a painful process”

“The more we invest in something the more committed we feel to it”

“If you find everyone in your group agreeing, play the contrarian”


January 2nd, 2009

I just wrote a whole post, a long post, a detailed post and then I read it
back and it was crap so I deleted it. Four hours of working on it (a piece
of creative writing about suicide) and its gone. A click of a button and
its gone, like it never even existed and along with it went those hours
of my life. If there was a delete button for my life I wonder if I would hit it.

Wishful Thinking

January 1st, 2009

I want to go to bed without my ritual argument in my head about how
awful I am, I want to walk past a chemist without wanting to go in and
look at the things I shouldn't’t be, I want to drink full fat coke without
tasting suicide, I want to be ignorant about mental illness, I want to
have the concentration to sit and read a a book, I want to find enjoyment
in something I can commit to, I want to not have to worry about where
my mood will take me next, I want to have the confidence to talk to a
room of people, I want to sleep naturally, I want my family not to have to
tiptoe around me, I want all of this to have never happened. I want my
future back.

My 100th post

January 1st, 2009

I feel that there should be something significant here because
I have now blogged 100 posts of the minutia of my life.

Happy New Year 2009

January 1st, 2009

Wish You All A Happy & Prosperous New Year