A Visit to Side-effect City

December 31st, 2008



Another short time at home, another short post. Sometimes I don't know why I keep going back to the hospital.

I can feel energy rising a little. And in some ways I'm glad, even while it scares me. Last week's sleeper overdose zonked me out for a few days, had a brief flicker of energy on Saturday, and some blissful visions on Sunday, then the new drugs started kicking in. I've been drowsy and dizzy and have had to move slowly and carefully everywhere so as not to black out. I've been doing some serious sleeping. I also keep thinking I am somewhere else, a foreign city somewhere., but disturbingly persistent.

My therapy session on Monday was immensely powerful. I do mean to write about it, and about my experiences of therapy in general. This current therapist is very real and very human and interacts with me as such, rather than from an intellectual theoretical standpoint. I almost wish she didn't, because it seems it would then be much easier just to give up this whole living thing.

Enough. Back to the home for meds and bed.
In spite of that Happy New Year to everyone and all the best for the 2009.

Fighting

December 30th, 2008

I am fighting because I have to fight if I am ever to recover.

I am fighting negative attitudes and unhelpful assumptions. I am fighting them outside as I have to fight them inside.

Now that the borderline diagnosis is finally out in the open (though there is some confusion as to where it originates) I am going to challenge it. I have to challenge it, because I know in my heart that it is wrong.

I am strong, i have many inner resources, i have stubbornness and faith, i believe that it is possible for me to live a good life, even if it is difficult. and i did not get this far by refusing to take responsibility for myself, or by expecting other people to do it for me, or by not making enough effort, or by thinking negatively or by not having a warm drink before i tried to sleep. so just because i am here, asking for help, don't assume i am stupid or lazy, don't assume you need to teach me how to live or motivate me or make me ashamed.

I am not ashamed!

Memory loss

December 29th, 2008

I don't even remember writing that last post, and was surprised to
find it.

This is the first time I have been home since, and I don't have time
to write much as on my way to a therapy appointment, but I wanted
to say thank you for the kind comments.

I don't even know if I am ok or not, but I am somehow still alive, so we'll see.

Am now on OLEANZ and soon to start Mirtaz 30 mg.

Everything seems a bit strange right now, I keep thinking "My god,
I feel like I'm in a pyschiatric unit" and then I realise that I am.
Sometimes this even strikes me as funny.

Take care all, will write more tomorrow if I am ok to come home
again for a while.

Dissociation

December 28th, 2008

Dissociation is my elephant in the room. Dissociation works in my
Life to hide how much it works in my life. The problem is the problem.
I wrote in despair in my journal:

I CAN'T DESCRIBE WHAT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WHAT IS
HAPPENING IS INTERFERING WITH MY DESCRIBING FUNCTION.

Sometimes I suffer a kind of dissociative paralysis. There might be a
Moment when I'm aware what is happening - then I'm gone. It's like a
Rising tide of quick-setting concrete. It's like something squeezing my
Brain until consciousness leaves. It's like a drug, spreading through
The blood. And then there's nothing I can do. I'll be lying there,
Eyes half-shut, and I might look asleep to a casual observer, but I'm
Not asleep, I'm in some kind of half-world, drifting through visions,
Colliding with memories. It's so powerful it scares me.

This is the beginning of a long intelligent thought, I hope. But now
I'm losing focus, my vision is blurring, a great weariness is beginning
To rise up. Because even to talk about dissociation is dangerous, and
Triggers me to dissociate. So I'll have to do it in small pieces, slipped
Under the radar of my defence and protection systems. And that I can
Even write this much is testament to how improved I am, because once
This would have been impossible.

6o days

December 27th, 2008

Only 60 days are there for ANIPRA's birth day. I don't know
What to do & how? God please help me. I don't know how to
Say? I don't know whether i could see her & wish her. Will any
Body can help me. I know that there is no one any how its my
Struggle. I need to face it. Ya cheer up man I will & I can. let us
See !

Taj Mahal Anthem - AR Rahman

December 26th, 2008

video

My favourite song from vote for tajmahal

by AR Rahman

The grinch’s guide to surviving christmas

December 25th, 2008

As we all know, Christmas is a time of year where those of
Us with mental health issues find life gets even more difficult.
Yes, it’s sad but true: it’s a time when many people feel alone
And lonely. It’s even worse for those people who have family.
These people feel alone, too, while surrounded by their nearest
And dearest/drunken/abusive/stoner family members. Which
Leads me to my first tip:
1. If you can’t beat ‘em, try joining them (just not if they’re
Abusive - leave that shit to the lowlifes).
2. Try travelling away from, rather than closer to, your relatives.
As George Burns once said, ‘Happiness is having a large, loving,
Caring, close-knit family in another city’. I can recommend
Overseas, or if you’re particularly brave, just buy in a lot of
Food and don’t leave your house. Hey, a break from family is
A break from family.
3. Don’t bother trying to buy the right gift for each person.
You won’t get it right. However, you can always buy them
A goat. You do good, you don’t add to useless landfill waste,
And you get to have a little in-joke with yourself about buying
A goat for a goat. You can also buy piglets and chickens.
The potential for amusement is endless.
4. Just say NO. Don’t go to church. It doesn’t matter if your aged
Great-grandmother pleads with you. You really don’t want to
Spend an hour pretending you remember the order of Mass
With all the other once-a-year hypocrites. Remember kiddies,
Jesus hates a hypocrite.
5. Don’t bother with Christmas cards. Again, it contributes to
Landfill. We haven’t sent them in years. By now, the people
Who send them to us do so knowing they’re not going to get
One back. I’d rather call or see people who I care about, than
Send a formulaic card which is going to end up in the bin in
Three weeks’ time.
6. If you want to really annoy conservative family members,
Conspicuously convert to Wicca. Feel free to practice rituals
Around them and refer to the Gods. Just be careful to avoid
Any situations involving a barbeque and a stake.

Happy holidays, and may the Prozac consumption begin!

Eating better = feeling better

December 24th, 2008

I had my dinner with my amma, perima & chiti, this night. It was
At Murugan idly shop a restaurant in T nagar, We ate, and enjoyed
Ourselves. It was really huge .Yes, it’s early night in December to be
Having a Christmas dinner with family. And it was very enjoyable.
We still ate plenty and had the energy to have fun. What ever fun but i
Miss ANIPRA without her nothing makes me happy.I am going to
Give up my bad eating habits.The food here in chennai is almost
Universally divine.

To you and your loved ones, may Christmas 2008 be safe and happy

Marghazhi Kutcheri Season 2008 takes off

December 23rd, 2008

From Aalapanaas to Thukadas to silk sarees, canteen bajjis,
Sabhas, raskias and season tickets, everything is on for this
December Carnatic Music Season 2008 in Chennai.
One of the biggest joys of being in Chennai, the cultural head
Of South India is this December kutcheri season also known
As the Marghazhi Music Festival. With more 20 sabhas and
An array of kutcheris(musical performances) happening all
Around the day, one would have to be lucky to glimpse the
Best of performers and the best of fine-arts. This Kutcheri
Season doesn’t carry just carnatic music, it also embeds the
Best of dance, drama and other artistic expressions.It is a
Pleasure to be in Chennai, especially during the Marghazhi month.

Merry Chirsmas

December 22nd, 2008

We are going to be super busy and/or unavailable for much
Of the next week. Let me take this one quiet moment at the
Computer to wish you a Blessed, Holy, and Merry Christmas.
I'll be back soon to tell you about our holiday adventures.

2 Daily routines to fight depression

December 20th, 2008

Mirror motivation:
When we face our depression giant eventually we will grow
Bigger and stronger than it and be able to defeat it with ease.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say the I Am’s.
I am beautiful/handsome
I am a blessing
I am loved
I am a good friend
I am a good person
I am worth a lot to this world
I am a good parent/child
I am a good husband/wife/fionce’/boyfriend/girlfriend
I am an asset to my company/church/organization
I am important to all who know me
I am proud to be me
I am going to make this depression disappear
I am strong
I am bigger than my depression
I am not going to let this defeat me
I am going to have a great day no matter what comes my way!
At first you will most likely roll your eyes and think its silly
Talking to yourself in the mirror but getting in the habit of
Talking positive to yourself will help you begin to believe it.

Write a journal:
Write daily in a journal about your day, how you were
Feeling how you over came it and how you are feeling now.
On the next page write something positive about yourself
And life. It can be as small as ” I found a shiny penny to day,
Someone smiled at me, I did great on that project”. …..........
Writing everything down will help you to channel all your
Feelings without taking it out on your family or others.

Weekend stuff

December 19th, 2008

I ended up having a pretty good weekend.
I felt better (yay!)And got a fair bit of good things done.
I went shopping with perima & chitti on Saturday,
Buying a few more bits and pieces for charans birthday,
And also picking up a couple of things a black casual shirt,
And some ‘jeans pants’ I was delighted with them, which
Was nice.Sunday I spent most of the day in the garden.
I weeded the front lawn and the front garden beds,
And I even sprayed the rogue lawn that had seeded in the
Garden.(It’s far too hardy to just be pulled up, it needs
Chemicals, unfortunately.)The back lawn and garden still
Need a fair bit of work,But at least the part the neighbours
See is respectableI’m the kind of person who could have it
The same way for my whole life and not think about it, but
Every so often perima likes to move things around a bit.
Anyhow i came in from outside,and I was pleasantly surprised
By the new configuration. And also the fact the house had
Actually been vacuumed b coz of me.So yes, a good weekend.
Being back at work was a funny feeling. I just came in and
Put my head down, and before I knew it, it was lunchtime,
And then time to leave. If only every day went so quickly!
I celebrated by coming home and having a three-hour nap.
I woke up at about 9pm, had some food, and now
I’m relaxing, waiting for my antibiotic to be absorbed, before
I go back to bed. Yes, I’m shameless about my love of sleep.

My current mental status: good

December 18th, 2008

I’ve been looking back through my recent posts,
Over the last week or so, and I’ve noticed that not
One of them contains any depression-linked content.
Interesting. Coincidentally, (or not so much, perhaps)
I’ve been on leave for the last week. There’s got to be
A link in there somewhere.
Also, I’ve been much more mentally active than I usually am.
When I’m working, I get home from a day in the office and
Collapse into my chair, open my laptop and spend the evening
Mindlessly browsing the net. There’s very little brain activity.
It’s almost like I get home and the brain says, ‘Great! Downtime!’
This extends to pretty basic stuff, like writing cheques out and
Doing basic housework. There’s no planning ahead either.
Who has the energy for that?!
I’ve also started thinking ahead about things - what to do next in
Terms of investment, how long to wait start my work back,
What to do with the current ones etc, etc. It’s almost like, when
I’m not working, I have the mental space to take care of these kinds
Of things. This worries me. I hate to think that I can either a) work
Or b) function well in other parts of my life, but not do both at once.
So what is it that’s giving me the ability to do all this stuff?
It’s not as simple as saying, ‘well, you’re not at work,
So you have more time’. This is undeniably partly true.
However, it’s just not that simple. For example,
I’ve been able to have a nap every day. This has made a
Huge difference, not only in my ability to do things,
But also in my mood. I’ve not felt overwhelmed or hopeless
Or dispairing once. I see the tasks that need to be done,
But instead of feeling like I just can’t do them, I have a
Feeling of quiet confidence that I will get them done.
This is how i used to feel all the time, prior to becoming
Depressed. Plus, I’ve been more happy generally.
Anyhow, this is an incredibly boring and introspective post,
But i wanted to get it down for comparative purposes
And future reference.Turns out that when I’m not working,
I feel great. Now I just need to win from this & to be able to
Maintain my mental health.

My recent photographs


Day two & three: side effects

December 17, 2008

Yep,Day Two & Three of 10mgs OLEANZ. I’ve noticed a
Number of things:
* Weird sleeping patterns.
Like, sleeping until 10am, then staying awake until 12am.
Then needing a significant nap in the afternoon
(like, two hours’ worth).
My sleep has been broken for the last couple of years, but this is
Ridiculous. And I’m still sleeping about 15 hours a day.
* A general feeling of amiable interest in life, together with…
The continuing ability to actually get stuff done. I’m hoping
That this is a result of being tired.
* A bit of a twitchy feeling. Not a tic or anything, just every so
Often I feel like I’ve twitched, even when I haven’t actually
Moved. Not sure if this is a mental thing or a mental/physicalThing.
* Good concentration.
* Good recall.
* A general feeling of being fuzzy and slightly ‘off’.
* Good motivation.
* A funny feeling in my stomach, kind of like apprehension. If
I concentrate and deliberately relax, it goes, but it comes back
As soon as I think of other things.
However, I have noticed good things as well. I’m not crying.
My gross motor skills have improved out of sight (when badly
Depressed, I bump into everything possible). I’m able to see the
Funny side of things.
At this stage, I’m hoping the not so good stuff moderates, and
I continue to keep feeling more normal(ie. non-depressed).
Guess what isn’t working? Oh well, we’ll sort something out.

More drugs, more drugs

December 16th, 2008

Day one of the new 10mg dose of OLEANZ. Well, I felt pretty
Wonky this morning - I felt tired yet wide awake, and just ‘off’
In a way that I can’t really describe. Tonight, feeling a bit
Anxious, but otherwise okay. Stay tuned for more riveting
Revelations…
On another subject, we had a viewing tonight. It went well, and
If all goes to plan, I’ll be getting in touch with all of you.That will
Be a great relief...

Depression: treatment and prognosis

December 15th, 2008

I originally became depressed as a result of a number of events
That occurred, including (but not limited to) i went to jail, my
Wedding stopped and writing my bike off. All these things
Happened within a second. At 28y, I’d not experienced depression
Previously, so my case would have probably been a fairly
Straightforward one, if it had been deal it with differently.
My doctor, a lovely man, prescribed OLEANZ PLUS & Mirtaz 15
For me. I went from 5mg to 10mg over a period of about a week.
It would work almost immediately (stopped the panicky feelings)
It make me motivated but left me feeling cut off from the rest of
The world. I ended up suicidal, and was referred to a psychiatrist.
She is Jayapradha.Apparently,while OLEANZ treated my anxiety
It do a lot for my depression. Whoops.

So, onto Mirtaz 15 I went. I’ve had better results on it, but I’ve still
Had one minor and one major breakdown on it, with the dose
Increased both times. I’ve got to the highest dosage now-any more
Relapses and I’m onto something else.I sometimes wonder, if
I’d been put on Mirtaz 15 to start with, whether I would be in
A very different place now. Would I be recovered and off drugs
By now, if I’d been on an effective drug from the start? Would
My long-term prognosis be better? My understanding is that
Treatment should start ASAP(as soon as possible) for the best
Results. Given I was on a drug which did control my depression
For over a week, what does that mean for my future?
These are all unanswerable questions. But the fact that I will
Never know doesn’t stop me from wondering, especially at 3 in
The morning.

Waiting for the weekend

December 14th, 2008


I’m really looking forward to the weekend. Well, Sunday in
Particular, as it’s charan ’s birthday. I was shopping for part
Of his present the other day, when I looked around and saw
This toy. The more I looked at it, the more I just really, really
Liked it. I asked the lady behind the counter how much it was.
When I heard the amount, instead of laughing hysterically - I
Bought it. I’m not normally an impulse shopper, but there were
A few reasons why I bought that toy. Firstly, charan needs a
Good toy which makes sound. (I have actually bought him one
Previously, but it’s not as nice as this one, as evidenced by the
Sound off it. Grrrrrr.) Secondly, I was going to buy something
Else for his birthday, just not necessarily a toy (or anything of the
Same value as the cost of the toy). But you know what? It is a
Really nice toy. And finally, he’s the love of my life, and I hope he
Loves the toy as much as I do. He deserves it.

from my sick bed

December 13th, 2008

Didn’t do much today. I slept all morning, then got up at about noon. After wandering around the house for a bit and getting something to eat, it occurred to me that we had no milk, no bread, and nothing vaguely suitable for late break fast. I also realised that I wanted a chicken at some point today, but if I didn’t organise it, that wasn’t going to happen.
Anyhow, I had a shower, did my hair and got dressed. It must’ve worn me out, because I sat down on the couch in the living room. This isn’t a problem, but I actually fell asleep sitting up. I woke up two hours later, wondering what the hell had happened. I suspect this chest tension is taking a bit more of a toll than I’d realised.
I think tomorrow will probably follow a similar pattern. Hey, if your body is trying to tell you something, maybe it’s worth listening to it occasionally.

Rajini: Happy Birth day Thalaiva

December 12, 2008

video

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THALAIVA

Happy birthday dude - Subramanya Bharati

December 11th, 2008

Read the very insightful transcript of Enn Kanavar, a speech by Sellamaal Bharati[not devayani] where she recollects her life with the ‘Poet of the century’. And asusual, favorite lines from this dude’s poetry -
Ooyuthal Seiyom Thalai Saayuthal SeiyomUnmaigal Soalvom Pala Vanmaigal Seivom

Leaving - I hope

December 10th, 2008

Going out of the town soon. It will be a welcome relief.
Of course it’ll only be for a few years but even that will
Help me sort out my mind a tad. That too I should not
Disturb my ANIPRA in any way & all i only need is her
Happiness... i love you ANIPRA

When did I last laugh?

December 9th, 2008

Firstly, I am very sorry for any concern I caused last night. It's just
That I am so tired and lonely, and I seem to have lost so much.
I know self-destructive behaviour is never really an answer, but
Sometimes I just want to give up and let go and stop trying so hard to
Do the right things, the sane, balanced healthy things.
I feel I have turned into someone leaden and Flattened and dull.
When did I last laugh?
When did I last find the world beautiful?
When did I last feel strong?
There is just this dreadful ebbing away of meaning.

I keep looking back and trying to work out where things went wrong this year.
I started it full of determination and hope, and yet here
I am now still reeling from the past few months.

Last week was terrific. How

December 8th, 2008

Last week was terrific. How do u take that?. Good or Bad.
It was kind of both. Hectic work and no work at all.
The graph was surging up and down. As usual did a lot of
Shopping(window, ofcourse) at gurnee mills on saturday.
Expecting to watch Grammy today evening on CBS.
Bommalatam review was well accepted. May be thats the
Reason why I was lazy enough blog and allowed the review
To feature on my first page. I now understand why pooja
Went for a second blog.

Mood swingers -
Music : Nithyashree singing bharathiyar songs.
Movie : Poo. I liked it.
Book : Sundara Ramaswamy’s JJ Sila Kurippugal.
Intriguing start which tells you what a good read it is going to be

Giving thanks to Dr Jayapradha

December 7th, 2008
I am so lucky. I’ve been too badly depressed to enjoy the last
Three months. That means my last three months have been
Pretty traumatic as well.Anyhow, three months have been
Written off to the black dog.I’m doing good useful things
Again, feeling motivated,Thinking clearly both at work and
Outside of work.My self-esteem is slowly creeping back, and
I’m actually looking forward to good things again.I never
Thought I’d do that again, to be honest.It seems like a miracle.
I choose to do good things other than sleep.

I see my charan,anna & anni. I interact with them.I laugh, and
I cry when there’s a reason to,And not otherwise.I feel capable
Of handling life and its vagaries.I enjoy challenges. Getting out
Of bed is no longer one of them.I am giving thanks right now
For getting my mental health back.

T H A N K S A L O T DR...
I do have more to say, but it’s getting late and, well,
I need my sleep. Night!

Normal life

December 6th, 2008

For the first time in a looooooooooooooooooooooooong time,
It feels like this is what we’ve returned to. Normal life, and
My brain is behaving itself. It was so nice to sit down at
8:30pm and look around and realise that my desktop was
Properly clean for the first time in about three months, since
My madness commenced.

I feel like I’ve been running around all day today. I got up at 11am
And was out of the house before 4pm(this is quite the feat for me
On a weekend). I went to doctor he said I'm doing good both
Physically & mentally. I helped perima which she could do that
Herself,but I’m happy to do it,and she appreciates me helping her.
I can’t see dinner getting cooked at home tonight. Oh well, I guess
There’s no point in pushing myself.

Tomorrow i want to meet my physcatrist Dr jayapradha & i should
Submit my papers on 'situations which are affected me' and also
About feelings & thoughts
I think I'm getting back to my normal life

Sharanalayam

December 5th, 2008


N. Vanitha,
chairperson of Sharanalayam,
a non-Governmental organisation
for homeless children and adults.

The Tamil Nadu Governor,
S.S. Barnala
garlands a mentally retarded boy
at 'Sharanalayam' in
Pollachi.

Joseph Hanshe, a lawyer
from New York and a patron
for Sharanalayam, a home for
orphan and destitutes,
with the inmates of
Sharanalayam at
Pollachi.



What 'recovery' really means?

December 4th, 2008

This is something that has been on my mind a fair bit lately.
I don’t know what recovery from depression actually entails.
Does it mean - feeling like I did for 28 years of my life?
Or ‘having a good day’ as I have now - doing okay, staying calm,
And needing 15 hours’ sleep? Or am I in recovery as I write, with
A balance of ‘good days’ and not so good days? (’good days’ in
Quotes, because they just don’t touch my pre-depression real
Good days.) Will it include drugs? Or therapy? A better lifestyle?
I wish I knew. If nothing else, I would then have a better grasp
As to how Im going in myself. Generally I feel okay;I can think
Okay,I function pretty well most days, and I’m coping okay
With a fair amount of stress(see post from a couple of days
Ago on very slow renovation for more details).
I call myMother, I see my relatives,I manage to produce work of
Sufficiently high standard and in some instances, earn praise.
But there are the other things that make me wonder whether
Iam actually getting better,or,indeed,if this is as good as it gets
Like never really feeling on top of the world, which I used to feel
Regularly. Like the fact I can easily sleep15hours a day,day after
Day the fact that, when I’m tired, I lose the ability to function.
Tiredness strongly affects my ability to get up and think straight.
For example,I had a really bad night’s sleep last night(due stress-
Induced insomnia-another side effect of mydepression) and woke
Up this morning and thought: I justCan’t do it. I called in sick.
So many questions. I wish I had a better idea as to what‘recovery’
Really means. To be honest, I hope that it meansMore than what
I’m currently living. Life is okay at the moment,And some parts of
It are wonderful - SO, my family and Relatives, even stuff like finally
Finishing a renovation andGetting a tenant into it.
But a lot of the day to day stuff is Hard work, just to live through.
So yeah, I’m hopingThat life gets better - even just a little bit better.
It wouldMake such a difference, the difference between existing and living.

Disjointed thoughts

December 3rd, 2008

What is the point of living? I mean in a philosophical way
Rather than a suicidal way. It’s Sunday afternoon and
I don’t want to write. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to
Watch TV.
All I want is to sleep or get something. Now rationally I know
It’s because I’m depressed. People do things they like during
Their free time. Just because I don’t want to do anything doesn’t
Mean that life is not worth living.
One of my doctor upped my sleeping meds to 150mg. I’m not sure
it will work. I just want to sort of melt into the floor and sleep.

The good and the bad

December 2nd, 2008

Thank you, to all the US citizens who voted for Barack Obama.
I am so very glad. And you will be, too.
However, I cannot, for the life of me, understand how Obama can
Get voted in on the same day that Prop 8 has been voted in.
How stupid did this happen?! I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

Marghazhi - Ven Pongal

December 1st, 2008

These are a series of ramblings on Marghazhi month. May not be all that interesting as these are personal posts. Just wanted to register interesting and funny stuff about childhood in koduvai(my moms birth place). These were one of the prime intentions when starting the blog. Along the way, I drifted elsewere and now I’m trying hard to get back the original groove.
Let’s start from venpongal. During the month of Marghazhi[15th Dec - 14th Jan], when you rush to a mahakali amman koil in the wee hours of morning, you get two things. Apart from sighting aathi pinnal girls, you get handful of suda suda ven pongal and spirituality to the heart’s content. amman Koil pongal is much better than Ghee Pongal[Rs.13.95] in annapoorna. But those days when I went to the mahakaliamman koil along with my uncle at 5:30 in the morning, I knew nothing about annapoorna or Naachiyaar Thirumozhi. All I knew was that my chiti, quietly made a big kolam and went to koil in the early morning of marghazhi month. When she came back, I was still iam not brushing my teeth, thinking about the boring social studies homework given, the previous day. She came back with a dhonnai full of steaming hot ven pongal. So before brushing my teeth, I got to eat the pongal even before my coffee. There was something special about the pongal and hence decided to hitchhike my chiti during her kaarthala koil trips.
I landed in the koil, after bath, sharp by 5:40 am. Along the way to the temple, women keptdrawing, what is called as Theruvadaichaan, a maavu kolam that spread the breath of their respective lanes. In the koil, they recited a sloka and chiti would recite alongwith them. With atleast 50 people, reciting the same sloka(I thought) at the same time, I had goose bumps for no reason. After sevichu’fying the amman a queue(?!) gets formed for the highlight. As you proceed along the queue, one maama stuffs a dhonnai in the hand. The other priest, has a huge karandi in his hand. He scoops a mountain of the ven pongal from the andaa and filled the donnai. I always get this itching feeling that the priest gave me less pongal than whoever stood before me. Anyway, the minute I get my donnai filled with ven pongal, I would go to the main pragaaram of the temple and eat pongal to my heart’s content. My chiti gets her share also to me. Now that I’m done with both the donnais of pongal, I head back home and sleep again by 6:15 am.
Till this day, Marghazhi reminds me of Ven Pongal even before Thiruppavai. Thiruppavai ?

Rajini’s japanese fans

November 30th, 2008


All they said about Rajini’s japanese fans but we never believed.
Now, Rajinikanth makes it big time. Here’s the
More serious fans that what we are. Though we couldn’t read
japanese, these pictures explain all.
As you go through the club, there are numerous forums and
Bulleting boards discussing his movies from Siva to Sivaji.
Lots of professional analysis and tons of links that link to other
Indian Fan clubs.
Time for Rajinikanth to join with Jackie Chan after robo.

I'm alone

November 29, 2008



நான்கு கண்ணாடி சுவர்களுக்குள்ளே
நானும் மெழுகுவர்த்தியும் !!

Haiகூ !!

November 28, 2008
புத்தக ஒட்டடை அடிக்கையில்
இ.பாவின் ராமானுஜர் - அதற்கடியில்
வீரப்பன் பயோகிராபி

A good day

November 27th, 2008

Today is a good day. I hauled myself out of bed and met
Two friends. It was surprisingly fun. I love when these
Days happen!
Hugs you all

Feeling better

November 26th, 2008

On the advice of my dear friend I’ve split up my meds - 5 mg in
The morning and 5 mg in the night. All the online advice, advises
Against this but it is the single most useful idea, a medical person
Has come up with, because for me it actually works. I’m feeling
Less depressed. I can sleep and I can wake up and I’m actually
Well rested. I can hardly believe it.I don’t think it is just the meds.
I’m doing an engaging and exciting project at work which makes it
A joy to go in in the mornings. Of course,The project means
I’m working up to three hours a day but i can’t resent it because
Now I actually enjoy my work. Things are mostly looking up.

Huge public projects

November 25th, 2008

How do I continue? I can barely function at work. Luckily
There is not a lot of oversight. There’s a huge public project
That rests on my shoulders. It’s heavy but there’s no one else
To carry it and I don’t know what to do or how to cope anymore.
Any hw thanks to elcot!

Apollo Hospitals

November 24th, 2008

Today we went to apollo hospital for perima's checkup with anna
To meet Dr. Maya vedhamurthi (dermatologist) and i had my
Lunch late @ 4pm. Then today i went to shop for a brown shirt @
Evening & i had a nap for 2hrs asusual but I'm little bit tired too.

My zodiac sign shows

November 23rd, 2008
I'm witty & creative & i have a positive frame of mind & are
Very inspiring & big hearted. When my feelings are hurt i
Withdraw into a shell but I'm cheerful nature pulls me through.
& i should be care ful,lest i lapse into depression & cynicism.
Is it true ?

I am soooo tired !!!

November 22nd, 2008

Sorry Nothing Today












Peace

November 21st, 2008
I still feel strangely moodless, suffering an absence of emotion,
Thought, inspiration and desire. I stare into space for long periods
Of time. I pick up books, then put them back. I put the television on
And look at it a while, then switch it off. I cannot seem to think about
The future or the past. I cannot find anything I want to do, nothing
Stirs in my soul, nothing possesses me, nothing excites me.
I wonder if I am still alive, I wonder if meaning will return, I wonder if
I want it to. There is a certain kind of peace to this place I'm in, at least.

Not quite sure about this

November 20th, 2008

I went to bed last night at 2:30am. Yes, I know, too late,
Naughty me. Anyhow, I woke up at 8am and had some
Breakfast. Sat around for a bit and thought…. I think I’m
Still tired. So I hit the sack again, expecting to wake up a
Couple of hours later.
Well, I surfaced at a quarter to one. Then, I was sleepy this
Afternoon, so I slept for two hours…. and now I’m tired again.
Or still.
I’m just beginning to wonder if maybe choosing to pass on the
Antibiotics wasn’t the best idea. I mean sure, I feel okay. I’m
Still coughing up much but otherwise I’m good. But
I don’t know if the excessive sleeping thing is a concern.
Oh well, I’ll find out tomorrow. To work out, in the gym.
That should be interesting.

Vandemataram

November 19th, 2008

video

Specially for physically challenged...


Depression: I know Why?

November 18th, 2008


So once again I feel like hurting myself. Once again I know that

I won’t no matter how I’m tempted. Once again I know that

These are stupid thoughts. Once again I know that I should

Leave Hell and go home, credit crisis or not.

What good are depression meds if they don’t work?

What good is my going to work when I cannot function?

What good is health insurance when I can’t afford to pay upfront?

Why did my ear choose now to get affected?

Why does my body refuse to feel itself?

Why am I still burning up with fever?

Why can’t I say to hell with commitments and leave this Hell

Forever?

Why can’t I sleep?

My eternal questions!

Symptoms of seasonal affective depression

November 17th, 2008

Appetite change - craving for sweet and starchy food

(chocolate, pasta, bread)

Sleep disruption sleeping at odd times or for long periods of time

Difficulty in waking up (where this not the norm for you)

Weight loss

Fatigue all day no matter how much rest

Lack of energy and lethargy

Little or no sex drive

Mood swings

Lack of concentration

Inability to make decisions

Withdrawal from social contact

Unfounded anxiety

Feelings of guilt or worthlessness

Thoughts of death and/or suicide

Depression: I'm alone

November 16th, 2008

Again I'm alone tonight,
Everywhere I look, all is black & white.
Everything is breaking,
And everything is aching.
The only thing I could do now is cry,
And sometime i just wished I would die.
Now I don't know where I belong,
I don't even know what's the difference between right & wrong.
I wanted to go,
To where my true feelings would show.
I was right about one thing...
being in a new place is a sting...

Rajini speach about RAMANA MAHARISHI

November 15th, 2008

video

when ambition ends then only peace begins...

I am back to my story. Don't miss my future posts

The True Folks wagon

November 14th, 2008


Sir, now you can buy a Tata Nano. Hurray !!
It’s called the Nano, for its high technology and small size. It’s cute, compact, and contemporary. It’s a complete four-door car with a 623-cc gas engine, gets 50 miles to the gallon, and seats up to five. It meets domestic emissions norms and will soon comply with European standards. It’s 8% smaller in outer length than its closest rival, Suzuki’s Maruti 800, but has 21% more volume inside. And at $2,500 before taxes (value-added taxes increase the price by about $300), it is the most inexpensive car in the world. Starting this fall, the Nano will roll off the assembly lines at a Tata Motors (TTM) plant in Singur, Bengal, and navigate India’s potholed roads.

Malare malare ullasam

November 13th, 2008

video

What a lovely song ! i searched it for long time and now only i got it.

Vikatan goes Unicode

November 11th, 2008

After a long frustating decade of Tamil on the internet, mainstream magazines are starting to use to Unicode fonts instead of propietary fonts. And that’s a great news.
Ananda Vikatan, probably the number 1 magazine of tamil media is now completely on unicode. All you need is a computer with IE/Firefox/Safari installed to read Vikatan. With this change, Vikatan also cleans the clutter of it’s site and sports a cleaner design.
The in-direct benefit for bloggers is that they can now quote(note the point, just quote and not completely copy) vikatan articles on their blogs without having to transform the vikatan font to unicode.
Ofcourse, you need to be a paid user to read the content on vikatan.com but if you are a NRT(yeah NR Tamilian), you should think about paying them $22/year as subscription. But if you are one of those lazybums who wouldn’t want to read tamil, watch tamil videos on kumudam.com.

Kangeyan - rahman+ ksr and 4 ajiths is probably a hoax

November 10th, 2008

Even after KSR failed to capture the magic of Rahman in Godfather aka Varalaru, Rahman plays his keyboard, once more for him.
This one also has Ajith starring in 4 roles. We had enough of Ajith in Varalaru with pathetic dialogue delivery and awfully bad characterization. I wish this one proves to be better than the previous attempt.
P.S - And as you read in the comments, this movie is a hoax and this post, inane !!

Infinite monkey theorem

November 9th, 2008


The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.

World’s smallest MP3 player

November 8,th 2008


That red thingy on the right corner of the picture is supposed to be a mp3 player/cube. Also its boasting to be the world’s smallest MP3 player.
Some things loose their charm if they are SMALL. This is one of those.

Blogging is stupid; go be a human being !!

November 7th, 2008

Blogs aren’t just stupid, they are crippling our social skills, and
There is nothing better than human interaction, trust me.
Believe it or not, there is a world outside of the computer.
No joke, it has trees, popcorn and drive-thru liquor stores.
Blogging is worse than being on facebook.
The people in your life like friends and family do care if you
Show up to the party and do a minute keg-stand or date.
To lay it all on the line, blogging is a waste of time. Why spend
Time telling Strangers your innermost thoughts when you could
Be out making memories with those You care about most?

Rahman Times

November 6th, 2008



The domain rahman times.com may be for sale by its owner through sedo's domain market place.submit your offer if you

Balu mahendra’s kathai neram

November 5th, 2008
Sujatha details his friendship with Balu Mahendra in a recent Ambalam article, Balu vin Kanaakaalam. Very importantly he mentions two things about Balu Mahendra’s Kathai Neram serial.
Those who had watched Kathai Neram can vouch that it was one of the best serial ever made for television. Each episode was a seperate shortstory. And as Sujatha says it was a perfect example of adapting a shortstory for the screen. He also goes on to say that Balu Mahendra was able to tell a shortstory in 20 minutes without making it embarassingly loud or terribly boring. And as someone who saw most of those episodes, I have to say that Sujatha’s words aren’t an exaggeration.
Sa.Kandasaamy’s Tholaindhu Ponavargal was my other favorite serial. If I could re-collect it right, it was broadcasted on Thursdays from 10 - 10:30 pm. In Channel 2. Remember, Channel 2 of DD ?

Chennai kutchery

November 4th, 2008


Chennai is very hot and very cold now. Especially after the cyclone deceived the chennaites and went off to Andra Pradesh just to kill 31 people, the weather has cooled down so much. Marghazhi month (dec 15th - jan 14th of every year) is here and the roads are already filled with kolam and rangolis. The difference between a rangoli and a kolam is that rangoli is in color and a kolam is drawn in just white with the black background of the tar on the roads. That is a silly way of putting it. As always the marghazhi month is cold hence off late people have modernized the kolam technology. Instead of the classical practice of kolaming (sorry for the Tamil-English) in the early hours of morning, they are kolaming in the night itself. So if you were a latecomer from office, you would have tough time riding the bike without interrupting the kolaming ladies and the kolams, of course. However, because of this kolam culture, Chennai is decorated throughout the month. Gives you a good festive feeling. So as I wade through these kolams every morning on my way to office, I get this feeling of celebration and the morning mood is aptly set for the rest of the day. Also there is so much happening in Chennai in marghazhi and that makes it HOT. If you are lover of performing arts, this is the place to be. From a range of music to dance and drama, it happens now and here. The Kutcheris have begun and people are busy buying the season tickets to these carnatic performances. Last Sunday in Vani Mahal, for Aruna Sairam's kutchery, the hall was a crowded and many of the nodding heads were teenagers and 20's who were interested in carnatic. This is a very clear of sign that the carnatic music still has a long way to go. Aruna Sairam is rocking the scene just like the last couple years. With her little touch of masculine voice, she hits a boundary even with the toughest of raagas. Some other biggies who are talked about include O.S Arun, Sikkal Gurucharan, Nithyashree, Unni Krishnan and ofcourse my fav Sanjay Subramanian. Jaya TV conducts performances in Chettinad Vidhyashram school and broadcasting in throughout the month. This morning it was the famous violinist T.N. Krishnan. His acquaintance with violin happened 68 years and he flies down from US like many others to perform in the sabhas of chennai. It was a sheer experience to listen to him in the morning. Vijay TV competing with Jaya in this played the performance of Chinmayi's Meera Bhajans, this evening. After listening to Chinmayi's voice in A R Rahman's E20U18, this was very different and enchanting. This evening when I was driving down the TTK road, I found that AVM Audios has arranged an audio mela in Sankara Hall. With 10% discount on all items, carnatic music section was crowded like hell and selling hot cakes. I picked up a couple of them by Sudha Raghunathan.

Pollachi - Mudi Konda Chola Nallur

November 3rd, 2008










IAM PROUD TO BE A POLLACHIANIn ancient times Pollachi was known as ‘Pollil Vaichi’ which means "The land of natural Wealth and Prosperity" or ‘Porull Aatchi’ (The Land of Wealthy Government). In olden days it was said that everything is sold and bought in market including elephants in a form of barter system.During the period of Kulottunga Chola III , Pollachi was known as Mudi Konda Chola Nallur (Crowned King). The Subramanyar temple is one of the most ancient temple in Pollachi with a history of about 8 centuries back. You can also come across the name ‘Pollil Vaichi’ in Lord Subramanyar temple. It is also believed that this temple was once a Shiva temple, enshrining Agastheeswaram Udaiyaar, with the festival idol Subramanyar. A temple dedicated to Mariamman and another to Subramanya are located here. There are beautiful stone carvings like a five hooded serpent, a Yali with a chain from its mouth and carved zodiacal signs in the Subramanya temple. This town is about 40 Kms from Coimbatore on the way to Parambikulam - Aliyar Project. Next to Coimbatore it is the leading town of the district and an important commercial centre.


Anamalai: This Sanctuary is situated at an altitude of 1,400 mts in the Western Ghats near Pollachi (about 90 Kms from Coimbatore). The area of the sanctuary is 958 sq.kms.
Masaniamman Temple: Masaniamman Temple is situated at a distance of 15 miles away from Pollachi. This sanctified shrine attract large number of devotees.
Sholaiyar Dam: It is about 30 km from Valparai town. It is one of the longest dam in Asia. The length of the dam measures about 6-7 km. It lies in the border of Tamilnadu and Kerala. This dam is constructed in Chalakudy river. The beauty of Athirappilly water falls and Sholayar dam can be enjoyed on the way to Sholayar.
Kadamparai Dam: Special permission must be sought to visit this place. Hydro Electric plant at Kadamparai between Pollachi and Valparai is most worth seeing.
Nirayar Dam: Water from Chinnakallar falls gets collected in this dam. It is located in eastern side of Valparai hills 20 km from Valparai town. There are two dams, upper Nerar and lower Nerar which is about 20 km and 15 km from Valparai.
Aliyar Dam: Aliyar Dam was constructed in 1962 across the Aliyar river. It is located about 65 Km from Coimbatore and it is found on the foothills of Valparai. Here, Aliyar lake receives water from upper aliyar reservoir through hydro-electric power station in Navamali and the Parambikulam reservoir through a contour canal. Near Aliyar dam, a good-looking park, an aquarium and a mini theme park is being maintained by Tamilnadu Fisheries Corporation. Ambarambalayam Darga is situated at the banks of the river Aliyar.
Thirumoorthy Hills: It is situated 40 Kms from Pollachi and 20 kms from Udumalpet on the highway from Palani to Coimbatore. Thirumoorthy temple is situated at the foot of the hill adjacent to Thirumoorthy Dam. Importance of this temple is three Moorthy Idols originate in same place.
Athirampalli Falls:This particular falls has been featured in numerous films and advertisements. It is also called as ‘Punnagai Mannan Falls’.
Monkey Falls:It lies on the foothill of Valparai. It is about 5 km from Aaliyar. It is continuing waterfalls, one can relax their mind and body by taking Ayurvedic bath in this falls.
Chinnakallar FallsChinnakallar is geographically an important place. It is about 26 km east of Valparai. It is known as Cherrapunji of Tamil Nadu. It is the second place in receiving maximum rainfall next to Cherrapunji. The hanging bridge is built across the falls is full of enchantment and thrill. This area always found wet and misty. Chinnakallar is full of greenish dense forest with tall majestic trees which gives a pleasant nature. It has the falls which sounds like a roaring lion. Rhythm Falls:Rhythm falls is about 30 km from Sholaiyar and 5 km ahead of Athirampally falls. Water droplets from the falls scattering on adjoining road gives an excitement show.
Palani:A major pilgrimage centre, Palani is situated on the edge of the great Vyapuri tank. Palani is a municipality in Dindigal district, located about 60 kms from Dindigal. This temple draws more than 7 million devotees every year to offer their prayers to Lord Muruga.
Its hilltop Subrahmanyam temple is the most famous of the six abodes of Muruga, the son of Shiva, who is said to have come here disguised as a mendicant after quarreling over a fruit with his brother, Ganesha. Popularly known as Dandayutha Pani ("Bearer of the Staff"), Murugan is depicted with a clean shaven head, holding a stick. His image is made of medicinal herbs, mixed together to create a wax-like substance. During the Thaipoosam festival, the temple attracts thousands of pilgrims, many of whom shave their heads as an act of worship. An electric cable car takes devotees up the 600 steps to the hill shrine. Palani is also a base for hikes in the surrounding hills.

Topslip

ovember 2nd, 2008



Topslip
Topslip "The pollution free heavenly land" Topslip is located above the 800 feet from the sea level on the Anamalai mountain range. It stands majestically with Green Spread Mountains and forest all around. The unique teak forests, Bamboo Forest also located near Topslip.
Topslip and Valparai (Valparai to Topslip 65 Km) are small Places with in the (958 km2) Indira Gandhi National Park and Wildlife Sanctuary lies in the Coimbatore District of Tamil Nadu. at the southern part of the Nilgiri Biosphere Reserve in the Anamalai Hills. Separated from the Nilgiri Hills by the Palghat Gap on the north, the Park is contiguous to the Parambikulam Wildlife Sanctuary (Kerala) to its west and to the Eravikulam National Park (Kerala) and Dam, Park, and several tourist spots. (Via PollachiAliyar and Sethumadai)
Contact
The Wildlife Warden Indira Gandhi Wildlife Sanctuary,
178, Meenkarai Road,
Pollachi - 642 001.
Tel: 04259 222-5356.
Longitude: 76°00' - 77°56' ELatitude: 10°12' - 11°07' N
Temperatures: Min 2°C (winter); Max 25°C (summer)
Best Season: The best season between May to June and October to February.

Varanam Ayiram: Marching this week

November 1st, 2008





video

A thousand elephants. Watch out.
The ‘ghaana’ Ava Enna Enna Thedi Vandha Anajala rendered
By Karthik is my personal favorite followed by a very SPBesque
Shanthi O Shanthi by SPB Charan/Clinton.