A Visit to Side-effect City

December 31st, 2008



Another short time at home, another short post. Sometimes I don't know why I keep going back to the hospital.

I can feel energy rising a little. And in some ways I'm glad, even while it scares me. Last week's sleeper overdose zonked me out for a few days, had a brief flicker of energy on Saturday, and some blissful visions on Sunday, then the new drugs started kicking in. I've been drowsy and dizzy and have had to move slowly and carefully everywhere so as not to black out. I've been doing some serious sleeping. I also keep thinking I am somewhere else, a foreign city somewhere., but disturbingly persistent.

My therapy session on Monday was immensely powerful. I do mean to write about it, and about my experiences of therapy in general. This current therapist is very real and very human and interacts with me as such, rather than from an intellectual theoretical standpoint. I almost wish she didn't, because it seems it would then be much easier just to give up this whole living thing.

Enough. Back to the home for meds and bed.
In spite of that Happy New Year to everyone and all the best for the 2009.

Fighting

December 30th, 2008

I am fighting because I have to fight if I am ever to recover.

I am fighting negative attitudes and unhelpful assumptions. I am fighting them outside as I have to fight them inside.

Now that the borderline diagnosis is finally out in the open (though there is some confusion as to where it originates) I am going to challenge it. I have to challenge it, because I know in my heart that it is wrong.

I am strong, i have many inner resources, i have stubbornness and faith, i believe that it is possible for me to live a good life, even if it is difficult. and i did not get this far by refusing to take responsibility for myself, or by expecting other people to do it for me, or by not making enough effort, or by thinking negatively or by not having a warm drink before i tried to sleep. so just because i am here, asking for help, don't assume i am stupid or lazy, don't assume you need to teach me how to live or motivate me or make me ashamed.

I am not ashamed!

Memory loss

December 29th, 2008

I don't even remember writing that last post, and was surprised to
find it.

This is the first time I have been home since, and I don't have time
to write much as on my way to a therapy appointment, but I wanted
to say thank you for the kind comments.

I don't even know if I am ok or not, but I am somehow still alive, so we'll see.

Am now on OLEANZ and soon to start Mirtaz 30 mg.

Everything seems a bit strange right now, I keep thinking "My god,
I feel like I'm in a pyschiatric unit" and then I realise that I am.
Sometimes this even strikes me as funny.

Take care all, will write more tomorrow if I am ok to come home
again for a while.

Dissociation

December 28th, 2008

Dissociation is my elephant in the room. Dissociation works in my
Life to hide how much it works in my life. The problem is the problem.
I wrote in despair in my journal:

I CAN'T DESCRIBE WHAT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WHAT IS
HAPPENING IS INTERFERING WITH MY DESCRIBING FUNCTION.

Sometimes I suffer a kind of dissociative paralysis. There might be a
Moment when I'm aware what is happening - then I'm gone. It's like a
Rising tide of quick-setting concrete. It's like something squeezing my
Brain until consciousness leaves. It's like a drug, spreading through
The blood. And then there's nothing I can do. I'll be lying there,
Eyes half-shut, and I might look asleep to a casual observer, but I'm
Not asleep, I'm in some kind of half-world, drifting through visions,
Colliding with memories. It's so powerful it scares me.

This is the beginning of a long intelligent thought, I hope. But now
I'm losing focus, my vision is blurring, a great weariness is beginning
To rise up. Because even to talk about dissociation is dangerous, and
Triggers me to dissociate. So I'll have to do it in small pieces, slipped
Under the radar of my defence and protection systems. And that I can
Even write this much is testament to how improved I am, because once
This would have been impossible.

6o days

December 27th, 2008

Only 60 days are there for ANIPRA's birth day. I don't know
What to do & how? God please help me. I don't know how to
Say? I don't know whether i could see her & wish her. Will any
Body can help me. I know that there is no one any how its my
Struggle. I need to face it. Ya cheer up man I will & I can. let us
See !

Taj Mahal Anthem - AR Rahman

December 26th, 2008

video

My favourite song from vote for tajmahal

by AR Rahman

The grinch’s guide to surviving christmas

December 25th, 2008

As we all know, Christmas is a time of year where those of
Us with mental health issues find life gets even more difficult.
Yes, it’s sad but true: it’s a time when many people feel alone
And lonely. It’s even worse for those people who have family.
These people feel alone, too, while surrounded by their nearest
And dearest/drunken/abusive/stoner family members. Which
Leads me to my first tip:
1. If you can’t beat ‘em, try joining them (just not if they’re
Abusive - leave that shit to the lowlifes).
2. Try travelling away from, rather than closer to, your relatives.
As George Burns once said, ‘Happiness is having a large, loving,
Caring, close-knit family in another city’. I can recommend
Overseas, or if you’re particularly brave, just buy in a lot of
Food and don’t leave your house. Hey, a break from family is
A break from family.
3. Don’t bother trying to buy the right gift for each person.
You won’t get it right. However, you can always buy them
A goat. You do good, you don’t add to useless landfill waste,
And you get to have a little in-joke with yourself about buying
A goat for a goat. You can also buy piglets and chickens.
The potential for amusement is endless.
4. Just say NO. Don’t go to church. It doesn’t matter if your aged
Great-grandmother pleads with you. You really don’t want to
Spend an hour pretending you remember the order of Mass
With all the other once-a-year hypocrites. Remember kiddies,
Jesus hates a hypocrite.
5. Don’t bother with Christmas cards. Again, it contributes to
Landfill. We haven’t sent them in years. By now, the people
Who send them to us do so knowing they’re not going to get
One back. I’d rather call or see people who I care about, than
Send a formulaic card which is going to end up in the bin in
Three weeks’ time.
6. If you want to really annoy conservative family members,
Conspicuously convert to Wicca. Feel free to practice rituals
Around them and refer to the Gods. Just be careful to avoid
Any situations involving a barbeque and a stake.

Happy holidays, and may the Prozac consumption begin!

Eating better = feeling better

December 24th, 2008

I had my dinner with my amma, perima & chiti, this night. It was
At Murugan idly shop a restaurant in T nagar, We ate, and enjoyed
Ourselves. It was really huge .Yes, it’s early night in December to be
Having a Christmas dinner with family. And it was very enjoyable.
We still ate plenty and had the energy to have fun. What ever fun but i
Miss ANIPRA without her nothing makes me happy.I am going to
Give up my bad eating habits.The food here in chennai is almost
Universally divine.

To you and your loved ones, may Christmas 2008 be safe and happy

Marghazhi Kutcheri Season 2008 takes off

December 23rd, 2008

From Aalapanaas to Thukadas to silk sarees, canteen bajjis,
Sabhas, raskias and season tickets, everything is on for this
December Carnatic Music Season 2008 in Chennai.
One of the biggest joys of being in Chennai, the cultural head
Of South India is this December kutcheri season also known
As the Marghazhi Music Festival. With more 20 sabhas and
An array of kutcheris(musical performances) happening all
Around the day, one would have to be lucky to glimpse the
Best of performers and the best of fine-arts. This Kutcheri
Season doesn’t carry just carnatic music, it also embeds the
Best of dance, drama and other artistic expressions.It is a
Pleasure to be in Chennai, especially during the Marghazhi month.

Merry Chirsmas

December 22nd, 2008

We are going to be super busy and/or unavailable for much
Of the next week. Let me take this one quiet moment at the
Computer to wish you a Blessed, Holy, and Merry Christmas.
I'll be back soon to tell you about our holiday adventures.

2 Daily routines to fight depression

December 20th, 2008

Mirror motivation:
When we face our depression giant eventually we will grow
Bigger and stronger than it and be able to defeat it with ease.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say the I Am’s.
I am beautiful/handsome
I am a blessing
I am loved
I am a good friend
I am a good person
I am worth a lot to this world
I am a good parent/child
I am a good husband/wife/fionce’/boyfriend/girlfriend
I am an asset to my company/church/organization
I am important to all who know me
I am proud to be me
I am going to make this depression disappear
I am strong
I am bigger than my depression
I am not going to let this defeat me
I am going to have a great day no matter what comes my way!
At first you will most likely roll your eyes and think its silly
Talking to yourself in the mirror but getting in the habit of
Talking positive to yourself will help you begin to believe it.

Write a journal:
Write daily in a journal about your day, how you were
Feeling how you over came it and how you are feeling now.
On the next page write something positive about yourself
And life. It can be as small as ” I found a shiny penny to day,
Someone smiled at me, I did great on that project”. …..........
Writing everything down will help you to channel all your
Feelings without taking it out on your family or others.

Weekend stuff

December 19th, 2008

I ended up having a pretty good weekend.
I felt better (yay!)And got a fair bit of good things done.
I went shopping with perima & chitti on Saturday,
Buying a few more bits and pieces for charans birthday,
And also picking up a couple of things a black casual shirt,
And some ‘jeans pants’ I was delighted with them, which
Was nice.Sunday I spent most of the day in the garden.
I weeded the front lawn and the front garden beds,
And I even sprayed the rogue lawn that had seeded in the
Garden.(It’s far too hardy to just be pulled up, it needs
Chemicals, unfortunately.)The back lawn and garden still
Need a fair bit of work,But at least the part the neighbours
See is respectableI’m the kind of person who could have it
The same way for my whole life and not think about it, but
Every so often perima likes to move things around a bit.
Anyhow i came in from outside,and I was pleasantly surprised
By the new configuration. And also the fact the house had
Actually been vacuumed b coz of me.So yes, a good weekend.
Being back at work was a funny feeling. I just came in and
Put my head down, and before I knew it, it was lunchtime,
And then time to leave. If only every day went so quickly!
I celebrated by coming home and having a three-hour nap.
I woke up at about 9pm, had some food, and now
I’m relaxing, waiting for my antibiotic to be absorbed, before
I go back to bed. Yes, I’m shameless about my love of sleep.

My current mental status: good

December 18th, 2008

I’ve been looking back through my recent posts,
Over the last week or so, and I’ve noticed that not
One of them contains any depression-linked content.
Interesting. Coincidentally, (or not so much, perhaps)
I’ve been on leave for the last week. There’s got to be
A link in there somewhere.
Also, I’ve been much more mentally active than I usually am.
When I’m working, I get home from a day in the office and
Collapse into my chair, open my laptop and spend the evening
Mindlessly browsing the net. There’s very little brain activity.
It’s almost like I get home and the brain says, ‘Great! Downtime!’
This extends to pretty basic stuff, like writing cheques out and
Doing basic housework. There’s no planning ahead either.
Who has the energy for that?!
I’ve also started thinking ahead about things - what to do next in
Terms of investment, how long to wait start my work back,
What to do with the current ones etc, etc. It’s almost like, when
I’m not working, I have the mental space to take care of these kinds
Of things. This worries me. I hate to think that I can either a) work
Or b) function well in other parts of my life, but not do both at once.
So what is it that’s giving me the ability to do all this stuff?
It’s not as simple as saying, ‘well, you’re not at work,
So you have more time’. This is undeniably partly true.
However, it’s just not that simple. For example,
I’ve been able to have a nap every day. This has made a
Huge difference, not only in my ability to do things,
But also in my mood. I’ve not felt overwhelmed or hopeless
Or dispairing once. I see the tasks that need to be done,
But instead of feeling like I just can’t do them, I have a
Feeling of quiet confidence that I will get them done.
This is how i used to feel all the time, prior to becoming
Depressed. Plus, I’ve been more happy generally.
Anyhow, this is an incredibly boring and introspective post,
But i wanted to get it down for comparative purposes
And future reference.Turns out that when I’m not working,
I feel great. Now I just need to win from this & to be able to
Maintain my mental health.

My recent photographs


Day two & three: side effects

December 17, 2008

Yep,Day Two & Three of 10mgs OLEANZ. I’ve noticed a
Number of things:
* Weird sleeping patterns.
Like, sleeping until 10am, then staying awake until 12am.
Then needing a significant nap in the afternoon
(like, two hours’ worth).
My sleep has been broken for the last couple of years, but this is
Ridiculous. And I’m still sleeping about 15 hours a day.
* A general feeling of amiable interest in life, together with…
The continuing ability to actually get stuff done. I’m hoping
That this is a result of being tired.
* A bit of a twitchy feeling. Not a tic or anything, just every so
Often I feel like I’ve twitched, even when I haven’t actually
Moved. Not sure if this is a mental thing or a mental/physicalThing.
* Good concentration.
* Good recall.
* A general feeling of being fuzzy and slightly ‘off’.
* Good motivation.
* A funny feeling in my stomach, kind of like apprehension. If
I concentrate and deliberately relax, it goes, but it comes back
As soon as I think of other things.
However, I have noticed good things as well. I’m not crying.
My gross motor skills have improved out of sight (when badly
Depressed, I bump into everything possible). I’m able to see the
Funny side of things.
At this stage, I’m hoping the not so good stuff moderates, and
I continue to keep feeling more normal(ie. non-depressed).
Guess what isn’t working? Oh well, we’ll sort something out.

More drugs, more drugs

December 16th, 2008

Day one of the new 10mg dose of OLEANZ. Well, I felt pretty
Wonky this morning - I felt tired yet wide awake, and just ‘off’
In a way that I can’t really describe. Tonight, feeling a bit
Anxious, but otherwise okay. Stay tuned for more riveting
Revelations…
On another subject, we had a viewing tonight. It went well, and
If all goes to plan, I’ll be getting in touch with all of you.That will
Be a great relief...

Depression: treatment and prognosis

December 15th, 2008

I originally became depressed as a result of a number of events
That occurred, including (but not limited to) i went to jail, my
Wedding stopped and writing my bike off. All these things
Happened within a second. At 28y, I’d not experienced depression
Previously, so my case would have probably been a fairly
Straightforward one, if it had been deal it with differently.
My doctor, a lovely man, prescribed OLEANZ PLUS & Mirtaz 15
For me. I went from 5mg to 10mg over a period of about a week.
It would work almost immediately (stopped the panicky feelings)
It make me motivated but left me feeling cut off from the rest of
The world. I ended up suicidal, and was referred to a psychiatrist.
She is Jayapradha.Apparently,while OLEANZ treated my anxiety
It do a lot for my depression. Whoops.

So, onto Mirtaz 15 I went. I’ve had better results on it, but I’ve still
Had one minor and one major breakdown on it, with the dose
Increased both times. I’ve got to the highest dosage now-any more
Relapses and I’m onto something else.I sometimes wonder, if
I’d been put on Mirtaz 15 to start with, whether I would be in
A very different place now. Would I be recovered and off drugs
By now, if I’d been on an effective drug from the start? Would
My long-term prognosis be better? My understanding is that
Treatment should start ASAP(as soon as possible) for the best
Results. Given I was on a drug which did control my depression
For over a week, what does that mean for my future?
These are all unanswerable questions. But the fact that I will
Never know doesn’t stop me from wondering, especially at 3 in
The morning.

Waiting for the weekend

December 14th, 2008


I’m really looking forward to the weekend. Well, Sunday in
Particular, as it’s charan ’s birthday. I was shopping for part
Of his present the other day, when I looked around and saw
This toy. The more I looked at it, the more I just really, really
Liked it. I asked the lady behind the counter how much it was.
When I heard the amount, instead of laughing hysterically - I
Bought it. I’m not normally an impulse shopper, but there were
A few reasons why I bought that toy. Firstly, charan needs a
Good toy which makes sound. (I have actually bought him one
Previously, but it’s not as nice as this one, as evidenced by the
Sound off it. Grrrrrr.) Secondly, I was going to buy something
Else for his birthday, just not necessarily a toy (or anything of the
Same value as the cost of the toy). But you know what? It is a
Really nice toy. And finally, he’s the love of my life, and I hope he
Loves the toy as much as I do. He deserves it.

from my sick bed

December 13th, 2008

Didn’t do much today. I slept all morning, then got up at about noon. After wandering around the house for a bit and getting something to eat, it occurred to me that we had no milk, no bread, and nothing vaguely suitable for late break fast. I also realised that I wanted a chicken at some point today, but if I didn’t organise it, that wasn’t going to happen.
Anyhow, I had a shower, did my hair and got dressed. It must’ve worn me out, because I sat down on the couch in the living room. This isn’t a problem, but I actually fell asleep sitting up. I woke up two hours later, wondering what the hell had happened. I suspect this chest tension is taking a bit more of a toll than I’d realised.
I think tomorrow will probably follow a similar pattern. Hey, if your body is trying to tell you something, maybe it’s worth listening to it occasionally.

Rajini: Happy Birth day Thalaiva

December 12, 2008

video

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THALAIVA

Happy birthday dude - Subramanya Bharati

December 11th, 2008

Read the very insightful transcript of Enn Kanavar, a speech by Sellamaal Bharati[not devayani] where she recollects her life with the ‘Poet of the century’. And asusual, favorite lines from this dude’s poetry -
Ooyuthal Seiyom Thalai Saayuthal SeiyomUnmaigal Soalvom Pala Vanmaigal Seivom

Leaving - I hope

December 10th, 2008

Going out of the town soon. It will be a welcome relief.
Of course it’ll only be for a few years but even that will
Help me sort out my mind a tad. That too I should not
Disturb my ANIPRA in any way & all i only need is her
Happiness... i love you ANIPRA

When did I last laugh?

December 9th, 2008

Firstly, I am very sorry for any concern I caused last night. It's just
That I am so tired and lonely, and I seem to have lost so much.
I know self-destructive behaviour is never really an answer, but
Sometimes I just want to give up and let go and stop trying so hard to
Do the right things, the sane, balanced healthy things.
I feel I have turned into someone leaden and Flattened and dull.
When did I last laugh?
When did I last find the world beautiful?
When did I last feel strong?
There is just this dreadful ebbing away of meaning.

I keep looking back and trying to work out where things went wrong this year.
I started it full of determination and hope, and yet here
I am now still reeling from the past few months.

Last week was terrific. How

December 8th, 2008

Last week was terrific. How do u take that?. Good or Bad.
It was kind of both. Hectic work and no work at all.
The graph was surging up and down. As usual did a lot of
Shopping(window, ofcourse) at gurnee mills on saturday.
Expecting to watch Grammy today evening on CBS.
Bommalatam review was well accepted. May be thats the
Reason why I was lazy enough blog and allowed the review
To feature on my first page. I now understand why pooja
Went for a second blog.

Mood swingers -
Music : Nithyashree singing bharathiyar songs.
Movie : Poo. I liked it.
Book : Sundara Ramaswamy’s JJ Sila Kurippugal.
Intriguing start which tells you what a good read it is going to be

Giving thanks to Dr Jayapradha

December 7th, 2008
I am so lucky. I’ve been too badly depressed to enjoy the last
Three months. That means my last three months have been
Pretty traumatic as well.Anyhow, three months have been
Written off to the black dog.I’m doing good useful things
Again, feeling motivated,Thinking clearly both at work and
Outside of work.My self-esteem is slowly creeping back, and
I’m actually looking forward to good things again.I never
Thought I’d do that again, to be honest.It seems like a miracle.
I choose to do good things other than sleep.

I see my charan,anna & anni. I interact with them.I laugh, and
I cry when there’s a reason to,And not otherwise.I feel capable
Of handling life and its vagaries.I enjoy challenges. Getting out
Of bed is no longer one of them.I am giving thanks right now
For getting my mental health back.

T H A N K S A L O T DR...
I do have more to say, but it’s getting late and, well,
I need my sleep. Night!

Normal life

December 6th, 2008

For the first time in a looooooooooooooooooooooooong time,
It feels like this is what we’ve returned to. Normal life, and
My brain is behaving itself. It was so nice to sit down at
8:30pm and look around and realise that my desktop was
Properly clean for the first time in about three months, since
My madness commenced.

I feel like I’ve been running around all day today. I got up at 11am
And was out of the house before 4pm(this is quite the feat for me
On a weekend). I went to doctor he said I'm doing good both
Physically & mentally. I helped perima which she could do that
Herself,but I’m happy to do it,and she appreciates me helping her.
I can’t see dinner getting cooked at home tonight. Oh well, I guess
There’s no point in pushing myself.

Tomorrow i want to meet my physcatrist Dr jayapradha & i should
Submit my papers on 'situations which are affected me' and also
About feelings & thoughts
I think I'm getting back to my normal life

Sharanalayam

December 5th, 2008


N. Vanitha,
chairperson of Sharanalayam,
a non-Governmental organisation
for homeless children and adults.

The Tamil Nadu Governor,
S.S. Barnala
garlands a mentally retarded boy
at 'Sharanalayam' in
Pollachi.

Joseph Hanshe, a lawyer
from New York and a patron
for Sharanalayam, a home for
orphan and destitutes,
with the inmates of
Sharanalayam at
Pollachi.



What 'recovery' really means?

December 4th, 2008

This is something that has been on my mind a fair bit lately.
I don’t know what recovery from depression actually entails.
Does it mean - feeling like I did for 28 years of my life?
Or ‘having a good day’ as I have now - doing okay, staying calm,
And needing 15 hours’ sleep? Or am I in recovery as I write, with
A balance of ‘good days’ and not so good days? (’good days’ in
Quotes, because they just don’t touch my pre-depression real
Good days.) Will it include drugs? Or therapy? A better lifestyle?
I wish I knew. If nothing else, I would then have a better grasp
As to how Im going in myself. Generally I feel okay;I can think
Okay,I function pretty well most days, and I’m coping okay
With a fair amount of stress(see post from a couple of days
Ago on very slow renovation for more details).
I call myMother, I see my relatives,I manage to produce work of
Sufficiently high standard and in some instances, earn praise.
But there are the other things that make me wonder whether
Iam actually getting better,or,indeed,if this is as good as it gets
Like never really feeling on top of the world, which I used to feel
Regularly. Like the fact I can easily sleep15hours a day,day after
Day the fact that, when I’m tired, I lose the ability to function.
Tiredness strongly affects my ability to get up and think straight.
For example,I had a really bad night’s sleep last night(due stress-
Induced insomnia-another side effect of mydepression) and woke
Up this morning and thought: I justCan’t do it. I called in sick.
So many questions. I wish I had a better idea as to what‘recovery’
Really means. To be honest, I hope that it meansMore than what
I’m currently living. Life is okay at the moment,And some parts of
It are wonderful - SO, my family and Relatives, even stuff like finally
Finishing a renovation andGetting a tenant into it.
But a lot of the day to day stuff is Hard work, just to live through.
So yeah, I’m hopingThat life gets better - even just a little bit better.
It wouldMake such a difference, the difference between existing and living.

Disjointed thoughts

December 3rd, 2008

What is the point of living? I mean in a philosophical way
Rather than a suicidal way. It’s Sunday afternoon and
I don’t want to write. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to
Watch TV.
All I want is to sleep or get something. Now rationally I know
It’s because I’m depressed. People do things they like during
Their free time. Just because I don’t want to do anything doesn’t
Mean that life is not worth living.
One of my doctor upped my sleeping meds to 150mg. I’m not sure
it will work. I just want to sort of melt into the floor and sleep.

The good and the bad

December 2nd, 2008

Thank you, to all the US citizens who voted for Barack Obama.
I am so very glad. And you will be, too.
However, I cannot, for the life of me, understand how Obama can
Get voted in on the same day that Prop 8 has been voted in.
How stupid did this happen?! I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

Marghazhi - Ven Pongal

December 1st, 2008

These are a series of ramblings on Marghazhi month. May not be all that interesting as these are personal posts. Just wanted to register interesting and funny stuff about childhood in koduvai(my moms birth place). These were one of the prime intentions when starting the blog. Along the way, I drifted elsewere and now I’m trying hard to get back the original groove.
Let’s start from venpongal. During the month of Marghazhi[15th Dec - 14th Jan], when you rush to a mahakali amman koil in the wee hours of morning, you get two things. Apart from sighting aathi pinnal girls, you get handful of suda suda ven pongal and spirituality to the heart’s content. amman Koil pongal is much better than Ghee Pongal[Rs.13.95] in annapoorna. But those days when I went to the mahakaliamman koil along with my uncle at 5:30 in the morning, I knew nothing about annapoorna or Naachiyaar Thirumozhi. All I knew was that my chiti, quietly made a big kolam and went to koil in the early morning of marghazhi month. When she came back, I was still iam not brushing my teeth, thinking about the boring social studies homework given, the previous day. She came back with a dhonnai full of steaming hot ven pongal. So before brushing my teeth, I got to eat the pongal even before my coffee. There was something special about the pongal and hence decided to hitchhike my chiti during her kaarthala koil trips.
I landed in the koil, after bath, sharp by 5:40 am. Along the way to the temple, women keptdrawing, what is called as Theruvadaichaan, a maavu kolam that spread the breath of their respective lanes. In the koil, they recited a sloka and chiti would recite alongwith them. With atleast 50 people, reciting the same sloka(I thought) at the same time, I had goose bumps for no reason. After sevichu’fying the amman a queue(?!) gets formed for the highlight. As you proceed along the queue, one maama stuffs a dhonnai in the hand. The other priest, has a huge karandi in his hand. He scoops a mountain of the ven pongal from the andaa and filled the donnai. I always get this itching feeling that the priest gave me less pongal than whoever stood before me. Anyway, the minute I get my donnai filled with ven pongal, I would go to the main pragaaram of the temple and eat pongal to my heart’s content. My chiti gets her share also to me. Now that I’m done with both the donnais of pongal, I head back home and sleep again by 6:15 am.
Till this day, Marghazhi reminds me of Ven Pongal even before Thiruppavai. Thiruppavai ?