Prayers Needed

August 31 2010

Just a quick post about a precious bundle of joy - named Harper! She was born only a few days ago and needs some prayers! Please visit her mum's blog - Kelly to learn of her story, updates and progress! Many thanks!

To my favorite teachers

August 30 2010

Seetha Ram Master (SRM High School-Pollachi)
(My 10th grade tuition teacher)
Sir, you were the best teacher I ever had.. without a doubt. I’ve always hated studying mathematics except for the year you taught it to us. In fact I still kind of like some aspects of it just because you taught it to us.. I’ve not forgotten my 10th class mathematics lessons even now..And cause of you only I met Anipra in my Life. You were the epitome of coolness to us..

Mahalakshmi Miss(AMS- Pollachi)
(My 3rd grade class and tuition teacher up to 4th grade)
What can I say mam.. you knew how to command respect without having to raise your voice. I still remember I had a bad dream about you during my holidays when I got to know that you were gonna be our class teacher in 3rd. I guess there’s nothing else to write really.

Radha Madam(NGM College-Pollachi)
(My B.Sc Ancelory 2nd year English Professor) 
We took too much liberty with you. I remember how we used to force you into teaching us English and grammar  when you were our Non-detail studies teacher. You were like a friend and a guide to us.. thank you for being there.

Antony Sir
(My B.Sc AI professor) 
Sir. I know we hated each other’s guts. You, because I didn't take my duties as head boy seriously.. and me.. But your speaking skills are beyond good. I still call you the Antony of our College..and even though we didn't like each other, I still learnt many lessons from and because of you, which have helped me in adapting to this world. So, I guess this is kind of a thank you.

Aparna Madam(PSG CT- Coimbatore)
(My MS IT project guide)
This is to you madam. You told me about presentations, Seminors, Remote Sensing....everything. I still cherish your opinion. You always believed that I can do something great.. and how can I forget all those endless discussions we had.. i guess you played a part in introducing me to the real world.. so thank you for being there.

P.S. This is an apology to all those teachers I might have forgot to mention but still had an effect on my life.. Thanks for everything…

P.P.S. This idea is cause of seeing Inidhu Inidhu movie... Then what about your favorites huh?!

What my 20’s meant to me

August 28 2010

Relationships & Friendships
Since I have been asked what you learned at the age of 20 by my students, it got me thinking a lot about what I learned in my 20's. Twenty something. What an immense time of growth. What sticks out in my mind the most is that I was in a relationship with only one person form 16 till my entire 28’s. That story didn't end well, but it had a lot of chapters. Some great, some bad, with lots of suspense and drama lurking around every corner.

What did I learn? A LOT! I learned that I can’t look to someone else to esteem me. (What a big job that is for someone else to take on, isn't it?). And I shouldn’t want to give it away. It is precious and all mine. Forever!

I learned to respect myself because many times others won’t. And, just as important, them not respecting me really didn't have anything to do with me. It's their stuff, not mine.
I learned that relationships shouldn’t always be exciting. Drama all the time is not a good thing! Don’t get used to it, because when you do, when things get good, you may end up destroy functional relationships to feed on drama. I remember thinking, "I can't stand that boy who just thrives on drama." and sadly, I WAS that boy!

I'm not sure where along the way I got comfortable being uncomfortable, but it happened without me noticing.
I learned that you will get back what you put out. After the breakup of my 12 year relationship, Now I was so hurt and bitter. I would have rather been in a bad relationship than no relationship. So, my point is, that I got back EXACTLY what I had put out into the universe. I was sad, bitter, angry, mistrusting and hurt. Imagine that!

It took me until I was 30 to realize what I truly deserved. I always knew that I deserved a great women and a mutually respectful relationship, but I was always in love with what the women or relationship "could be if". "Could be if" never loved me back. I waited, and waited, but it never happened. So when I realized what I truly deserved, and truly believed, not just told myself, but truly believed that I was unworthy of it, it doesn't happened. And she got married, and she is truly wonderful. And the relationship has mutual respect, is functional, stable and carries the values that they both honor. It was all unworthy the wait and the journey.

After that situation I came to realize that some friendships in our life are also just not worth having. Why do we keep them around? Because we think it will get better? Because we don't want to hurt our friends feelings? Who knows, but truth be told, if it's toxic, it's toxic and you may as well throw it out. I don't have the answer on how to end toxic friendships, but if the friendship isn't supportive and empowering to you, then walk away. And the great thing about friendships is that you can reengage them later if it's right. I have had 2 really good friends where this has happened. At one point one of my friends let me go because I had so much drama in my life and she had her own personal challenges as well. She could not for her own sanity be supportive of me so she took a break from me for a few months. Yes, I was hurt, but I respected her for it and in retrospect, she couldn't be the kind of friend that I needed at that time, so why should she have to fake it? It's not like she was my only friend to lean on. Which brings me to...

I believe in your 20's is when you begin to discover which kind of friends you have and for what reasons. Any time you go through a major life change (marriage, divorce, death of a loved one, major career change, etc) you really do find out not only who your good friends are, but what role they play in your life. For instance, one of my friends will tell it like it is, no matter what. She is direct and honest. Sometimes, if I'm not ready to hear that kind of support, I don't call her. And that's okay. Another friend I have will never give advice, just listen and tell me she loves me and supports me even if I did something crazy. This is also the friend I could call from prison to come bail me out in the middle of the night and I wouldn't even need to tell her what I did. I have a friend that I couldn't call to pick me up because sometimes she's a flake, (I love her anyway), but she knows it and I love her because I can tell her anything and she would never judge me.

So, I guess the most important lesson is if you have a friendship that isn't serving you, it's time to get rid if it. It's like that rule of an item of clothing: If you haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it.


August 26 2010

Sometimes it’s difficult to trust people, and sometimes rightly so. However, I would hate to see a change in people here due to being scared to trust, there are many people here that are completely trustworthy and worth taking the risk to confide to. Bad things happen in life but lets not allow a minor few things ruin our trust completely. Still you have time to do! will you?

I lost her...

August 25 2010

I don’t really know where to begin.  I've written so many of these other stories.  And this also really sounds no different.  Then why even do this?  Maybe it will make me feel better.

I lost her you all may know very well.  I don’t know if it was me.  I don’t know if it was the setting.  I don’t know if it was the people.  But I lost her.  And I can’t shake this awful feeling that I’ll never feel the same about anyone again.  But I hate her.  I f***ing hate her, everything she’s done to me.  Every thing that she’s said to me.  Every time she made me feel like I wasn't worth anything.  It all swirls around in my head, sending me into a wild emotional roller coaster.  I miss her.  I need her.  I don’t need her.  I hate her.  She’s wrong for me.  But she was so right for me.  I don’t feel like I connect with a single other person on the planet really.  She really was special to me, unique, amazing, and everything in between.  But why didn't I show it every second of every day.  I spend the first part of my life being alone and wishing that I had some person who understood me.  And here come’s this beautiful 15year old angel.  My guardian angel, and my soul mate, my best friend.  And she’s been gone for two years now.  Making me feel more alone then I've ever felt.  Making me feel terrified of feeling this alone for the rest of my life.  Yet I still feel like my dad told me yesterday.  Told me that she was married to another man.  I never thought it would just come to that.  The girl I had known since high school.  The only girl in the world I thought I would marry.  I never cared about any thing in the world.  And now I wish I could.  I wish I could feel like that again, even just for a second.  Everything I have that reminds me of her I slowly remove from my life.  Maybe if I get it all I won’t feel like this.  Or so I seem to believe.  Cause it seems no matter how many times I remove that last little bit, there will still be what’s left inside me.   The F*** I can’t remove.  The feeling that makes me just want to drive a knife into my chest and pull out whatever the hell it is that makes this hurt so bad.  The feelings of light headedness.  The anxiety.  The depression.  The lack of breath.  The lack of feeling.  The lack of anything that I can think of that makes me human.  I’m lost.  And I don’t feel like it’s getting any better. Everything I do, I wonder what she would think about me. It really just makes me dizzy enough to throw up.  Because I know, I know deep inside my mind or my heart or wherever this stems from, that she is not thinking about me at all.  That there’s nothing I can do to make her come back to me.  That I couldn't keep her with all my strength, as hard as I tried, and as much love as I could give.  But it wasn't enough.  It would never be enough.  Because I’m a f***ing moron.  I could have tried harder, I know it.  But it’s too late.  And now it’s too late for me.  Or that’s what it feels like.  I’ve lost my other half, and I don’t know where to go without it.  I’m just going through the motions.  Work, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, and a lot of sleep.  Waiting for the day that god finally grants me a little mercy and flicks that little switch inside me to off and I can leave this world forever.

I’ve done my time.  I’ve even dated other people, I don’t want other people.  But I can’t have her.  It doesn’t get better from here, this I am positive.  I’m ready to die now.

I wonder if she’ll even call me when our love dies.

The Red Cross...

August 24 2010

Forgot to add that The Red Cross is such a wonderful organization and they need your help - be it a little or a lot. Please feel it in your hearts to donate something to help these people in need at the moment. I am!
The Indian Red Cross

Thank you!!!

Me, Myself & You...

August 23 2010

Me = Me.
Myself = My conscience/alter ego/whatever. I talk to myself.
Mr. X = You are asking me.
Mr. X – So then, what you aiming for, Google OS?
Me – Yeah, pretty much.
Myself – Um, do you really believe you can clear the Google OS? Because I don’t.
Me – Um, are you telling me that you don’t believe in yourself?
Myself – When did I say that? I don’t believe in YOU.
Me – But you can’t believe in yourself and not believe in me!
Myself – Why can’t I? Huh?
Me – Dude, because you ARE me!
Myself – Says who?
Me – Says I!
Myself - But I don’t even believe in you!
Me – You don’t believe IN me. But you have to believe me!
Myself – Says who?
Me – Says I!
Myself – But you are not me.
Me – Yes, I am.
Myself – No, you aren't. I am a figment of your imagination, not you.
Me – A figment of MY imagination. MY = Me. You do and say what I make you say. Get it?
Myself – Nevermind, you won’t understand. You’re just thick.
Me – And you are smarter than me, huh?
Myself – Of course I am!
Me – No you aren’t. Your words are my thoughts, we’re at the same intellectual level.
Myself – Says who?
Me – Says I!
Mr. X –  Are you crazy?
Me – Huh?
Myself – Never mind.

Just another day at the office for a loser. :)

Ten Things

August 22 2010

Well, I was reading a blog, and a post had been done by this person, about ten things she’s passionate about, and I thought that was really cool, so here goes my post:

Ten things I am passionate about

Okay let’s see;

1) Movies: Yes, Movies are my biggest passion right now. I like watching new movies everyday, but sadly my internet connection is slow and it takes me about 4 hours to download one. I currently have a “to download” list of about 60 movies. I am so passionate about movies, that I wanna be a sound engineer and work at least only one day with AR.Rahman.

2) Psychology: I like to understand how people’s minds work. I like to know why someone did something, and what inspired him to do so. I like to understand human nature, and keep reading graduation course books of psychology. And I’m not blowing my trumpets, but I’m really good.

3) Science: I like Biology and Physics, because I like to know the mysterious ways in which nature works. I have always liked human biology, because I wanna know how my body works and reacts. It’s kind of related to my psychology passion. Physics, is total bliss. Einstein is my idol and I love studying quantum mechanics and the string theory.

4) Day Dreaming: I day dream a lot, and I mean a lot. I spend more time day dreaming than I spend working. I dream about my life, and how I would like certain things in my life to be. I often react to things like…”I wouldn’t have done it like this, when I have kids, I’ll do it like that.”

5) Writing: Yes, I like writing, I despise that. But I squeeze out story ideas out of every situation or every tv show I watch, and I have a notepad file full of these ideas. I imagine real characters, so that I understand them. And until, I finish a novel, this blog is my let out.

6) Lost: My ever loving Anipra. I believe she got married and she's in Coimbatore but honestly I couldn't be for sure. Was one of the hardest "breakups" in my life. I think I have ever experienced. I still think of her...and wonder how she's doing.

7) Money: I never love money and the feeling that comes from having a lot of humans not money. I never want to be a multi billionaire, by hook or by crook. Hell, I hate this, ok ok! I’m kidding, but I do want to be rich to all of my family members and friends so that they can pay off their bills and mortgages.

8) Help: My purpose is to serve others, to love others. I can do that. I will not seek help from others, for I’m a man. I don’t need help. I need to help others. That’s what I’m here for. I’m not some ignorant brat who’s constantly happy and has a “life” and hangs out with others. I am meant for other works. Satisfaction is not to be felt, but rather to be known and understood.

9) Changing the world: Yes, I’ve always wanted to change the world. In fact, when I used to learn or hear about some important personality, I would immediately think, “When did he die? Maybe I’m his incarnation!”, And this has come with almost all personalities I’ve known about. I try to find similar traits between us and try to connect with him. But, even if I’m not an incarnation of a famous person, I’d like to make a difference in the human world and be famous now.

10)  Life: Life's about learning the rules and playing it's complex strategy game. We learn strategies from others, or create our own. Carefully plotting our pieces - or taking wild risks. Each movement coming with consequences, points are lost - points are gained. Sometimes it's beginners luck, and sometimes we learn the hard way. Every round lost is another reason to keep playing. But to become a teacher of life is to learn as much from the pupil as they are learn from you. Even if we are to teach, we will always be the pupil.

Also, this isn’t my passion, but I’d like to remove the division of man into religious and skin color based groups. Every person is different and unique and his ideals and thoughts must not be trampled in the name of religion or that if they belong to the same color,” they must have a similar opinion” kind of thing, and also abolish reservation, cuz it just hurts unity.

Hey, tell me about your passions in the comments, if you’d like……


August 20 2010

I found this beautiful poem called “IF…”. I won’t comment, just enjoy the poem………..

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

–Rudyard Kipling

An unusual measurement method

August 18 2010

Harry White designed this measuring cup with units of measure like “tyrannosaurus rex brain,” “vol. of body cells that die on a good day,” and “enough plutonium to make a bomb.” He also has a cookbook with recipes that use these measurement units.

The person i miss the most...

August 17 2010

Dear A***** I miss you most,

From being best lover and best friends to not having talked for 2 years… I don’t know how we reached there.

It’s all my fault in a sense. I changed my place.. maybe I shouldn't have, who knows? and it was for a stupid reason too.. but well.. what can I say, I was just a 29 year old kid.

And we started to lose contact.. whatever the reason. I just wanna remember all the things we did. We walked into each other’s homes and we had a relationship like we were our own. We didn't know what the meaning of mine or yours was, everything was ours. You were always there for me and I always tried to do the same for you. Jealousy, anger, fights never came between us… we were really a family.

And now, when I bumped into you, I realized we weren't even at least friends anymore. We've changed.. and we notice the difference because we didn't change together. I know we’ll never be that close again.

Anyway, as they say, we’ll always have lots of explanations.  This is just a dedication to our love, friendship and the fun we had..

P.S. A high five and special mention to you. We were the coolest.. you know it! I miss y'anipra.....

Prabhu Awards For Tamil Short Films

August 16 2010

Broken God by Karthik Subbaraj

Natanthathu Enanna by Nalan

Unmayai Solanumna by Nalan

Thrunbilum Iruper by Nalan

Mittai Veedu by Balaji

Kadhalil Sothapuvathu Epadi by Balaji

Click Me to watch Adi Tail 1
Click Me to watch Adi Tail 2

Click Me to watch Thabella Vsikum Kaluthai

Best Short Shot Award Goes To Broken God  by Karthik Subbaraj
Best Story Award Goes To Mittai Veedu by Balaji
Best Comedy Movie Award Goes To Natanthathu Enanna by Nalan
Best Screen play Award Goes To Unmayai Solanumna by Nalan
Best Special Achievement Award Goes To  Adi Tail by Balaji
Best Music Score Award Goes To Thaman for Mittai Veedu
Best Actor Award Goes To Cendrayan for Thabela vasikum Kaluthai
Best Visual Effects Award Goes To Vasanth for Thrumbilum Iruper
Best Cinematography Award Goes To Manikandan for Thrumbilum Iruper
Best Thriller  Movie Award Goes TO Karthik Subbaraj for Ravanam
Best Director Award Goes TO NALAN for Natanthathu Ennana

Kalignar TV
Google Valet Store
Open Window Creations

I probably won’t make it......

August 13 2010

Stop scaring me! I don’t wanna see how I could die in a multitude of creative ways.

Good, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let me talk to the dreams I choose to have. Like you, who I had in 28years and 29th, when I wanted to start an computer store and make it bigger than I dreamed. Now I realize how stupid I was and how difficult you really are.

Or you, over there..I don’t even know if I have the talent, and even if I do, it won’t be enough.. cuz, come on, you need more than talent to become a well known director..

Anyway, I gave up on you guys when I was face to face with real life in Tiruppur. I realized that making dreams come true requires so much dedication and hard work and sacrifice that I probably won’t make it.

Right now, I don’t even know what to dream about.. Frankly, I can’t see myself doing anything for my whole life.. life really is too hard.

But now, I only have you. A small dream you may be, but I hope that I’ll be able to walk down , even if not complete the path to honesty.

Oh, and this is for you

I am

August 12 2010

i am: ugly.
i think: constantly, about too many things at a time.
i know: that I’ll succeed if I try hard.
i want: to talk to my crush once, to know what it was that attracted me to her.
i have: dual personalities.
i wish: I could be a movie director.
i hate: studying.
i miss: my friends from my city.
i fear: death and ghosts.
i feel: confused, about life.
i hear: numbness, the sound of loneliness.
i smell: some socks which are unwashed.
i crave: for love, real pure love.
i search: my soul, my heart, trying to unravel it’s secrets.
i wonder: if I’ll ever be at peace.
i regret: having opted for non medical.
i love: watching movies.
i ache: for all the people who are doing what they don’t want to do.
i care: for my family, friends and some other people.
i always: look for the deeper meaning.
i am not: religious at all. I believe in love.
i believe: that I’ll go crazy one day.
i dance: to the tunes of fate.
i sing: along with listening to songs. People tend to spread away, when I start listening to songs.

To Future Wify

August 11 2010

Dear Future Wify,

I can’t guess how we ended up being married. There are a lot of impossibilities going around here.

First you’d have to be pretty. Then I’d have to have a nerve to actually talk to you. Then you’d have to have the nerve to actually like me.. cause I know it ain't easy. Then I'd have to be ready to actually get married, cause I really don’t believe in the idea. I mean live-in is awesome.. but marriage? maybe I do get to that point some day.

So, if we went past all those issues and still ended up together, wow! Great going us!

And maybe that is arranged marriage. I mean, desperation can lead a man doing some very idiotic things, can’t it? So yeah, if we are married, please please don’t play those emotional games and try to control me.. or I’ll just commit suicide and leave you nothing.. I get depressed very easily.

So, that’s all I gotta say for now.. Love ya [hopefully ]

Your Personal Hero…

Things I've done...

August 10 2010

Hy its really interesting.. the things I’ve done are crossed out and the ones that are yet to be done, are left as it as.. here it is:
  1. Graduated high school.
  2. Kissed someone.
  3. Smoked a cigarette.
  4. Got so drunk you passed out.
  5. Rode every ride at an amusement park.
  6. Collected something stupid.
  7. Gone to a rock concert.
  8. Helped someone.
  9. Gone fishing.
  10. Watched four movies in one night.
  11. Lied to someone.
  12. Snorted cocaine.
  13. Smoked weed.
  14. Failed a subject.
  15. Been in a car accident.
  16. Been in a tornado.
  17. Watched someone die.
  18. Been to a funeral.
  19. Burned yourself.
  20. Run a marathon.
  21. Cried yourself to sleep.
  22. Spent over 10,000 bucks in one day.
  23. Flown on an aeroplane.
  24. Cheated on someone.
  25. Been cheated on.
  26. Written a 10 page letter.
  27. Gone skiing.
  28. Been sailing.
  29. Cut yourself.
  30. Had a best friend.
  31. Lost someone you loved.
  32. Got into trouble for something you didn’t do.
  33. Stolen a book from the library.
  34. Gone to a different country.
  35. Watched the Harry Potter movies.
  36. Had an online diary.
  37. Fired a gun.
  38. Gambled in a casino.
  39. Been in a school play.
  40. Been fired from a job.
  41. Taken a lie detector test.
  42. Swam with dolphins.
  43. Voted for someone on a reality TV show.
  44. Written poetry.
  45. Read more than 20 books a year.
  46. Gone to Europe.
  47. Loved someone you shouldn’t have.
  48. Used a colouring book over age 12.
  49. Had a surgery.
  50. Had stitches.
  51. Taken a Taxi.
  52. Had more than 5 IM conversations going on at once.
  53. Been in a fist fight.
  54. Suffered any form of abuse.
  55. Had a pet.
  56. Petted a wild animal.
  57. Had your own credit card & bought something with it.
  58. Dyed your hair.
  59. Got a tattoo.
  60. Had something pierced.
  61. Got straight A’s.
  62. Known someone personally with HIV or AIDS.
  63. Taken pictures with a webcam.
  64. Lost something expensive.
  65. Gone to sleep with music on.

The All About Me Meme 2wenty o1e

August 9 2010

My favorite age -- 15. It felt very attractive, very teeny.

My best friend(s) -- People who comments regularly in this blog Sruthi, Pooja, Adarsh and Arthi.

My celebrity crush -- Male -- Rajini Kanth, Female -- Aishwarya Rai

My defining characteristic -- I'm very verbal

My most evil moment -- 13 days in prison.

My favorite food -- Gee roast, Pongal, Rice with chicken, and Pizza with liquid cheezzzz

My grossest injury -- Bike accident when I was 13 C'mon, who really wants to hear about 'em?

My biggest hatred -- Adults who CHOOSE to be uninformed voters. The government is everyone's responsibility.

My most illegal activity -- I'm really very dull in this area. I can't think of a one.

My need for justice -- To the victims of Genocide.

My most knowledgeable field -- Computer, Medicine and maybe movie trivia.

My life’s goal --Make Google Valet Store no1 in computer accessories.

My mother’s influence -- To be Love and Honest.

My nerdiest point -- I love the database/demographic aspect of advertising. Really.

My oldest memory -- Trying to jump from the school compound wall when I was in ukg. It's only a split second I can recall, but it's very clear.

My perfect date -- A beach walk and dinner.

My unanswered question -- Why this happen to me?

My random fact -- I am the only one who behaves oddly in my whole family I mean when I was in join family (12 people in my home). 

My stupidest decision -- To beleive Anipra as long as I did.

My favorite television show -- Coffee with Anu.

My style of underwear -- Jockey - I accept no substitutes.

My favorite vegetable -- Broccoli and potato.

My weakest trait -- My temper can make me impulsive.

My X-men power -- I'm depressingly normal

My strongest yearning -- Love and speech.

My relaxing moment -- Music ( I am proud to be Rahmaniac)

100 things I'm grateful for...

  1. My mom and samuperima taking me to chennai when I was little. It shaped my faith by seeing my brothers.
  2. My Sharmila. She has integrity, is loving, patient and is a kind soul.
  3. Legs that work. Because I love to run.
  4. My graduations B.Sc (CS) and MS(IT)where ever I can have a secure job or business.
  5. Health.
  6. My healthy teeth.
  7. Running water. Bathing and brushing my teeth are good things.
  8. My dads sobriety. I'm so proud of him.
  9. Being able to stay home with my family.
  10. Being recovered from disordered eating and sleeping.
  11. Not knowing my purpose on this earth. I am waiting eagerly to know.
  12. My Krithi. I knew she was cute and lovable.
  13. My friends sruthi, pooja, adarsh and arthi.
  14. My old friend cheating on me. It made me find my self esteem.
  15. Mr.Google. 
  16. My relationship with drugs. I learned to say goodbye to oleanz+.
  17. Living in Pollachi, the most beautiful town in the world. (In my humble opinion).
  18. My first Love.
  19. Having reliable transportation.
  20. Coffee with anu my favorite TV show. 
  21. Music. I am so moved by music.
  22. Day dreaming. It's so worth it.
  23. Singing when I am alone with my music box.
  24. Having the guts to stand up for what I believe in.
  25. Being literate. Thank you mom, dad and teachers for teaching me to read.
  26. Razors. Because keeping always  three days growth of beard.
  27. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies and cake.
  28. Being able to spend time with children's.
  29. The clothes in my basket. Sometimes I think I have nothing to wear. I have plenty.
  30. My knowledge in computers. It made me realize I wasn't meant to work in the industry.
  31. My business. I learned so many things and it shaped me today.
  32. My sisters.
  33. The Internet.
  34. My dad teaching me the importance of a family men.
  35. Che Guevara my favorite leader.
  36. My Schools & Colleges.
  37. My right to free speech.
  38. My mom teaching me how to be honest.
  39. Soldiers who fight for nations.
  40. Shoes. Like the clothes, I have plenty.
  41. The window in my room.
  42. Our home. Sometimes I wish I had more counter space, but we have enough.
  43. Volunteering for helping others.
  44. Online support groups.
  45. Hand-me-downs for orphanage kids.
  46. My Samsung Corby.
  47. Recycling.
  48. Facebook. I've reunited with so many important people that I'd lost touch with. And met new ones.
  49. The beach.
  50. My sense of humor.
  51. My blog. I am so, so grateful to be able to write when I am depressed.
  52. My physical health.
  53. My mental health and stability.
  54. Living in a hygienic environment. Sounds strange, but a lot of people don't have this.
  55. Modern medicine.
  56. Anipra in my life.
  57. Entertainment options. I should never be bored.
  58. Coffee.
  59. Believing in the importance of personal growth and development.
  60. The people who will be my clients this year. I don't know who they are yet :)
  61. People that read and comment on my blog. It helps to keep me motivated to keep writing.
  62. My Google Valet Store employees.
  63. All the jobs I have had. I've learned so much.
  64. My values and core beliefs. Knowing them means I can honor them.
  65. Being able to be stay calm.
  66. Getting to snuggle with dreams in bed in the morning, watching Sakthi Gardens(my apt).
  67. Having multiple vision.
  68. Having a fridge and cupboards full of food.
  69. My Bike.
  70. This economy. It's made me realize how much we have.
  71. Connecting with incredible people. Human contact.
  72. My room cause I lives in it.
  73. Not having to take medication anymore for anxiety disorder.
  74. My therapist.
  75. Rajini Kanth he is my role model. 
  76. My six chiti's.
  77. The fact that I chose my own happiness.
  78. Eating dinner as a family.
  79. Service to others. Giving back.
  80. A comfortable, warm bed.
  81. Clean air.
  82. Being brave enough to stand up against "the bad guys".
  83. Having a choice.
  84. My education. Eternally grateful for that.
  85. Student loans. They suck sometimes, but without them, they couldn't have gone to college.
  86. Writer Sujatha my favorite author.
  87. Bubble baths.
  88. My self esteem.
  89. Rajini Kanth movies and songs. 
  90. Admitting I'm can be perfect and doing the best I can.
  91. Learning to be myself with ease.
  92. Laughter.
  93. My family's good health.
  94. Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.
  95. The ability to learn.
  96. The right to vote.
  97. Forgiveness.
  98. Alone
  99. The fact that I was born in this amazing free country.
  100. My life.

Go Big or Go Home?

August 7 2010

I saw this bumper sticker in a car and it conjured up many bad memories. I used to live my life by this mantra. No, I mean LIVE MY LIFE. If it wasn't going to be done 150,000,000 percent, then don't do it at all. Isn't that what it means to "Go Big or Go Home"? If you read my blog you know I sometimes write about a nasty thing called Perfectionism. I've struggled with this for years. It's ugly, I hate it, but I've actually come a long way. Perfectionism is black and white. In someone's life who deals with this, everything is or isn't. There's no "in-between". No gray area.

When someone concentrates so hard on looking good, at being the absolute best at any cost, are they really living their life authentically? Are they even living their own life? I didn't even know what "living authentically" meant until I became somewhat comfortable living in the grey.  Years of "go big or go home" had worn on me, and I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, and who I wanted to become. Was it easy to let it all go? Shit, NO! It's still not sometimes. I still have moments of "Oh no, I'm going to look like a complete F***ing idiot if I do this or say that". It's slowly becoming easier to be okay with the fact that some people might think I'm an F***ing idiot. And on a good day I might even take that as a compliment.

I truly believe that living a life this way, can be crippling. I avoided something because in mind if I couldn't do it perfectly, it wasn't worth doing.

Just things

August 6 2010

I ll give you my own "Things":

Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
If I will have a close relationship how ll carry till my end.
If we'll stay in Tamil Nadu, or move out of state or country.
If I'll go back to Pollachi what should I do first.
What the topic of my first book will be.
If I ll meet Anipra again what ll be my first word.

Things I'm learning
How to slow down.
How to let go.
How to be an awesome human.
How lucky I am to have such a great family & friends.

Things I'm wishing for
Eternal happiness for my family
More time to myself
Big hair to be back in style
A white ambassador car
All women to love their first love till end, unconditionally.( Wow, wouldn't that be awesome?)

Things that are getting on my nerves
My dad's phase of getting up before the sun. Coming in my room at 4:30 am to scold me for not sleeping yet.
My past wounds in my life always making me annoyed and depressed.
In my life The sun is still sleeping!.

Things that scare me
Acrophobia (seriously).
Car accidents.

Things that are making me happy
Music (mostly I am Rahmaniac)
My past relationships. As unpleasant as some of it was, I'm so happy it all happened.
Getting to know myself.
Exercising for health.
My SARAVANAN Anna. I never knew how happy I could be having simplicity.
New friends. And watching my old friends grow up.
Seeing children's.
Getting to know myself.
My Brother's & Krithi's fierce attachment to me.

Why bother?

August 5 2010

I’m so struck by how people just abandon relationships-even close ones.  It seems some people are just disposable.  I've been hurt by this over and over and I've really just given up.  Even intact relationships grow stale and empty so that none of it is worthwhile.  I  no longer want to answer any questions about how I am and what I've been doing.  Why bother?  I don’t believe anyone really cares so let’s stop with the niceties.

Unusual in ME

August 4 2010

Very hard to wake up today.   OLEANZ+ is not particularly known for causing a lot of sedation but it’s getting bad with me.  It’s not just that it’s difficult to get out of bed because of depression it self, it’s that I can’t really wake up.  Been sleeping from 10 to 12 hours a day despite alarms and people in the house waking me.  The meds are also giving me loss of appetite… it makes me gag, the food.  And this is very unusual in me.

These effects started after I increased the dose from 5 to 10 mg, so I can still wait until my body becomes accustomed to the new dose.   My main problem with OLEANZ+ is not even the side effects, but the fact that the antidepressant effects have been… very mild, probably even absent.

I 've been through a lot of meds since last 2 years.  Every time they fail I go into the usual crisis of deep hopelessness.

So I’m afraid.

I am a nightingale bird

August 3 2010

I was lying down on bed, trying to sleep, because when you fail at modifying the speed of rotation of the earth, the position of the sun, or your own location by means of teleporting, the only thing is to fight sleep early in night in your own home town is to keep trying.

It’s just better for my head when I’m awake during the night and asleep during the day.  I’m actually a Night person.  I just haven’t been acting like one lately.  I’m not insomniac, It happened because I was insomniac for a while though.  But thankfully that’s not the case, no, I actually sleep over 6 hours a day.  Day being the keyword.

As I looked at the ceiling the fluorescent glowing stickers in my bedroom, and the ideas kept buzzing like annoying mosquito's when I’m supposed to be sleeping, my brain kept going from flat line to finding the question to the answer to life the universe and everything.   I had such a thought , that it justified me getting out of bed and turning on the computer to type it out in my blog, only I had forgotten it by then.  Oops.

It was something about empathy, the universe, the people in my life, you know, along those lines.

But I think I should work on a brain printer first.
And, oh yeah, getting my sleep back on track. cause its 5AM....Good Morning oh oh! Good Night!Sleepy Smileys