Se7en Things You Don't Need To Know About Me

February 28 2010

1. I have a constant fear of   talking with people who criticize me.

2. It makes me very uncomfortable when people have high expectations about me. I feel very pressured and the consequent stress kills me.

3.I do not respect people who do not contribute their bit as part of a team or in the house. I cannot stand lazy people, smart shirkers and passive consumers.

4. For me, meals is very particular. I never eat food which I don't like, even where ever it is.

5.What I find most attractive in a person is their sense of humor, knowledge of their subject and the ability to speak well.

6. I find it tiring to have long phone conversations. After 5 minutes I get exhausted.

7.I get very annoyed when there is no coffee or ice water in the house.

I don't know if the world has become marginally more informed now that these 7 facts are out in the open.But it was a good exercise for me to think up something I may not have blogged about already.

Birthday Party

February 27 2010


Welcome to all, let us start the party...




So… Shall Anipra cut the cake..



hmm.. there are  more flowers than the cake. But its yummy...
Anyone for the drinks...

what would you guys like to eat…..
Pizzas maybe…



treating you with what we like…

hope you guys are enjoying….

Now some dancing..

DJ’s here…

OK.. its gettin late here….


Enjoy You all….
we’ll be right back…………

Do You?

February 27 2010

video
Do you spend your whole life
Trying for one goal
Just to stand by
And watch it all go?

Do you give all you've got
And then a little more
Just to stand by
And watch it hit the floor?

Do you wish for one love
And pray it will come true
Just to stand by
As your love fall through?

What if you've no choice
But to try and try your best
Just to stand by
And fail like the rest?

I've done all I can
I'm all I can be
But I'm still standing by
As You walks past me

I am Still Crazy About You Anipra...

My 500th Post On Anipra's Birthday

February 27 2010

Happy Birthday ANIPRA

27 Reasons Why I Love You?
1.Your loyalty to me and everyone or everything that matters to you
2.Your integrity
3.Your strength
4.Your devotion
5.How you are always 100% honest no matter what
6.Your kindness
7.Your generosity
8.Your confidence
9.The way that you always look for and find the positive
in everything
10.How much excitement you bring into my life everyday
11. How much you and I share in common together about
everything
12.How you always can make me cry or smile even at times
when I don’t want to
13.The fact that you refuse to ever completely grow up
14.The fact that you aren’t afraid to cry
15.The way you hold me
16.How much you’ve taught me about life and myself
17.Your zest for life
18.The way you kiss me and touch me
19.Your awesome hair
20.Your craziness
21.Your incredible baby brown eyes
22.Your love of life
23.Your uncompromising belief in God and family
24.The fact that there is nobody else in the world like you
and nobody will ever come close
25.The amazing new experiences that I’ve shared for the
first time with you and only you
26.The way you make me feel about myself
27. The way you forget me and make me alone


Anyway, the reason for the giveaway??? This is my 500th Post.
Ladies & Gentlemen....welcome to my 500th blog post. It should also be a special post too because today is my Anipra's Birthday too.Yep, I started this little blog two years ago. I entertained (a'hem, bored?) you with my 500 images, random thoughts and my heart. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to share a little piece of my life with you and yours with me. I can hardly believe that I have posted Five Hundred times since fall of 2008. I've never been good with keeping a journal or writing consistently so this really is a milestone for me. To be eligible to win all you have to do is leave a comment here, on this post and I'll draw a winner on Friday and have a fabulous
gift.

Dear Imagination

February 26 2010

Dear Imagination,

I've noticed that you've become very detached and withdrawn over the last few years. Has there been any trauma perhaps that caused these personality changes? Do you want to talk? Or is it me that has changed and grown distant? I really miss how we spent days on end creating illusions only we could understand. You were my best friend, and now we only talk quarterly if anything... I feel empty without you. I wish I could have been a better companion. I miss you, if you ever feel like popping over, you know where I am. It would be a truly welcome visit.

Love,
Prabhu

I hate how the rush of life sucks away our souls and feeds on which we don't value until it's missing...

God, I Refuse To Die


February 25 2010
I came across this absolutely brilliant music video today. It’s by an Indian band called StringSick, and it’s called “God, I Refuse to Die”.
I think this is a must-watch. Keep some tissues at hand, for it is very moving.


Twenty Five Things To Stop Global Warming

February 25 2010

Twenty five things you can do at your level to stop global warming 
  1. Use Compact Fluorescent Bulbs
  2. Inflate Your Tires
  3. Change Your Air Filter
  4. Use the washing machine or dishwasher only when they are full
  5. Use Recycled Paper
  6. Adjust Your Thermostat
  7. Choose products that come with little packaging and buy refills when you can
  8. Buy fresh foods instead of frozen
  9. Choose energy efficient appliances when making new purchases
  10. Take a shorter shower instead of a bath
  11. Defrost old fridges and freezers regularly
  12. Buy Minimally Packaged Goods
  13. Buy a Fuel Efficient and Hybrid Car
  14. Don’t Idle in Your Car
  15. Reduce Garbage
  16. Plant a Tree
  17. Insulate Your Water Heater
  18. Replace Old Appliances
  19. Insulate Your Home
  20. Air Dry Your Clothes
  21. Switch to a Tankless Water Heater
  22. Buy Organic Food
  23. Bring Cloth Bags to the Market
  24. Turn off Your Computer and appliances don't leave on standby
  25. Encourage your school or business to reduce emissions

    Just 1411 left.

     February 24 2010

    Just 1411 left.

    Our national animal is fighting for its life.
    From around 40,000 at the turn of the last century, there are just 1411 tigers left in India.



    If we don’t act now, we could lose this part of our heritage forever.
    Speak up, blog, share the concern, stay informed… Every little bit helps.
    Aircel has partnered with WWF-India to help save our tigers. Explore the site Save Our Tigers to know how you can help.


    What Do Quizzes Tell What Are You?


    Your Love Life is Like Titanic
    "Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless."

    You think that you only really have one true love in your life. And that you better to anything and everything to be with that person.
    You tend to be very nostalgic about past loves that didn't work out. There are many secret feelings that you keep to yourself.
    Your love style: Deep and emotional
    Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Bittersweet

    What Kind of Diner Food Are You?


    You Are French Toast
    You are a bit of a rule breaker and a rebel. You always do things your own way.
    You're the type of person to order breakfast for dinner - and dinner for breakfast!

    You have a quirky twist on everything you do. You are very creative and original.
    You get a kick out of trying out new restaurants, and old school diners are at the top of your list. 


    You Are Beer
    You are very relaxed and casual. You're happy to have a drink with friends, and you're not too picky about what that drink is.
    You are definitely not a snob, and it drives you crazy when people get too fancy about what ever you're drinking.

    You drink to let loose and have fun. You are the furthest thing in the world from uptight.
    If someone hands you a drink, you'll drink it. You'll toast often and to anything! 

    Two Minute Review : 3 Idiots



    February 23 2010
    Today I spend my time by watching Rajkumar Hirani’s 3 Idiots – a movie I had been looking forward to; not because it is based on Chetan Bhagat’s book Five Point Someone but because it was a Rajkumar Hirani movie. Here is my review of probably the most anticipated movie of the year, without any spoilers.
    The story :- After few years since their graduation, college mates Farhan (R Madhavan) and Raju (Sharman Joshi) get to know the whereabouts of their missing friend Rancho (Aamir Khan). As they set out to find him, narration starts with flashbacks to the time when Aamir , Sharman and Madhavan were students in the Imperial College of Engineering and Boman Irani was the Director of the college. Just like in Munnabhai where its Sanjay Dutt vs Dean and Medical system, here Aamir takes on the Director and the Education system. Along with the capers of the 3 friends, academic issues like  parental pressure, student suicides, the traditional pattern of imparting of theoretical knowledge are also included in the story.
    Since I have not read the book I won’t compare as to how much is the movie faithful to the book.
    The actors :- Aamir has managed to look quite young. His gait and his expressions portray a student quite well. But the six pack does not match a 19-20 year old guy’s body. :D But yes he has acted quite good and he overshadows all the other characters. Sharman and Madhavan have done good job too as supporting actors. Thankfully, Kareena Kapoor (Aamir’s love interest) is there only for brief moments and has done a decent job. But as usual Boman Irani is perfect in his portrayal of the strict and cruel Director.
    The movie :- The movie’s starting scene reminded me of Dil Chahta Hai’s starting scene. The screenplay shuttles between trying to be a laugh riot and trying to make a point. At times there is just too much of the impossibilities of Bollywood masala but then it IS a Bollywood movie. Along with outrageously hilarious scenes, here are some emotional moments too. But there are no moments where one has to cringe while watching the movie with family. All the scenes have been done tactfully. As for the male nudity, one expected that since ragging is an integral part of any engineering story :) Some of the gags and jokes were old ones but still induced laughter. And some of the  lines are here to stay ;)
    One can draw several parallels with Hirani’s first movie Munnabhai M.B.B.S. For example this time he introduces the philosophy of ‘Aal izz well’ to give courage to the heart to bear difficulties.
    The movies fails a bit in the music category. None of the songs, except All Izz Well, make an impact.I mean the music is good but nothing memorable.
    Cinematography and editing is good. Still the movie could have been a bit shorter in length. The second half seems to drag a bit.
    The characters seemed to be of Mechanical branch but somehow the screenplay and dialogues talked about machines which comes under Electrical Engineering. :) The movie’s target audience seems to be the youth and their parents as well. I don’t know about the parents but the youth, the students and especially engineering ones will enjoy the movie a lot.
    My expectations from a movie are simple – to get entertained and to get my money’s worth. And I believe Vidhu Vinod Chopra and Rajkumar Hirani have delivered the most entertaining movie of the year.
    My rating – 4/5

    TEN MOVIE QUIRKS

    February 22 2010

    1. I watched my first movie in a cinema hall when I was 8 years old. “Blood Stone”. From that age on, until I was about 12, I only watched 9 movies in a Cinema. It was crappy and expensive, and at the time it was much better to stay in and watch Doordarshan channel  hindi and all language movies with family at home. Right now we've got dts and dolby cinema halls, with huge screens, air conditioning, pop corn and comfy chairs, so I’m a regular visitor of the cinema rooms now. It hurts the pocket, the wallet, the purse… but it’s nice. Last one I watched: Aierathil Oruvan.

    2. My biggest movie pet peeve is to have people complaining about the movie while they’re watching it; even irrelevant ones; and in general, anything that ruins the movie experience.

    3. As with a book, I tend to get really inside the movie. I even forget I exist while I’m immersed in it. I always stay some minutes confused after it ends…

    4. I love visual movies with great photography, color selection, image sequences…. even if the movie itself is not that awesome.

    5. I can enjoy not so good movies as long as I can get really into the movie and get emotional reactions from it and lots of laugher. Example: Sethu. Only movie I’ve cried at.

    6. In order to enjoy the movies, I sometimes let myself be tricked by it as long as I get nice surprises. One time, while watching a horror/suspense movie, my friends were all trying hard go guess who the assassin was. I didn’t! I wanted to be tricked, I wanted to be surprised in the end. I get no satisfaction from “ahh I knew it”. I get satisfaction from surprise. So, even if I could guess if I really tried, I suppress that part of my brain during the movie for enjoyement sake.

    7. In general, my concept of how much I like a movie tends to be very different from most of the people I know. I can find awesomeness in “crappy movies” and I can deeply dislike a popular one. But don’t we all think that?

    8. AFTER the movie is over, and I’ve sucessfully enjoyed it, THEN the analyzing starts. Next time I watch it I’ll be thinking about the effects, how they do this, that, how another camera angle would have been better, how that scene would look better in black and white, or a close up instead of a panoramic view…. I think about the actors, how it would be like if I could watch a bit of what happens after “CUT” has been shouted. Actors doing a sad, crying scene… would probably laugh afterwards?, or are they affected enough… how do they get in and out of character? How do they get along in real life?, and that girl in the monster costume… is she cute? and random weird stuff like that.

    9. I tend not to like long  biographical movies with lots of social content. My interest in movies is to entertain myself, not so much to study. If it’s not entertaining for me, I will most likely fall asleep making my “intellectual” friends think I’m stupid. HAHA. I tend to like SENTIMENTAL, SUSPENSE, and I have a love for COMEDIES! I’m still discovering the latter because I didn’t know I liked them so much!

    10. Can’t do movie marathons well. After a movie, I need to digest it.  I need time to process it.   I need time to go back on scenes if possible.  TIME.

    Well, that’s all.

    Goood meme.  Do it, it’s fun.

    Meme Three

    February 21 2010


    1. What does PRABHUPEPSI mean to you?

    The word? Alright. Well, it means… some crazy, random thing that Prabhu made up using something with blog and life.

    EDIT: I had NO idea it was an actual word once my teacher called me pepsi.

    2. What do you like about yourself?

    Although I have always felt like an alien in my own place, sometimes I really like it, because to be honest, I wouldn't want to be like most people are where I live.

    I like my obsessive interest in knowing all about everything, and how everything works, just for the hell of it. I didn't go to school to be something, I just liked learning what I was learning and maybe that’s the source of my lack of direction.

    I like that I can learn things really fast.

    I like that I’m not obsessed with my looks, because life would be much harder if I were self concious about my scars, my big body and small brain.

    I like that I don’t see myself as half a person who waits for another half a person to become one person; I am one person. If anyone joins me, well, excellent.

    I like that I don’t want to be a family man.

    3. What activity do you enjoy doing, that you never thought you would until you tried it?


    I don’t know! Maybe I just don’t try things that I sense I’ll dislike. When I jump into something, I generally have an idea of how much I might enjoy it, otherwise I can’t be pushed. If they try too hard, I’ll probably resist even more, and have a horrible time just to prove that I was right.

    4. What have you learnt about yourself from your previous (and current) romantic relationships?

    I learnt that I don’t like dating. Like, to meet someone for the first time for the sole purpose of going on a date where small talk and a silly movie and dinner will be involved. If I want dinner and movies I’ll take my friends. If I want a romantic relationship, I’ll take someone I already know and trust. Dates have proved to be extremely boring, to say the least.

    I learnt that it doesn’t take many relationships to learn certain… um movements. I’m a fast learner, I learned to drive by listening almost unconsciously. I learned to swim by watching people swim. I’m not a prude, and I’m not scared of most sexual things. But I won’t have sex with you right on the spot, precisely because I don’t really need it and I’d rather see if you’re worth the investment.

    I haven’t really had a relationship with  anyone(except A...), or a crush on one, and I generally don’t think too much about it. And I am not interested on putting a label on me or joining a cause.

    And I shared this one bit with Ani. I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who keeps things from me.

    5. What physical traits do you find attractive in the opposite sex?

    I love a gorgeous smile, that illuminates the whole face, and a very intense gaze. I like the abdomen… like when they’re sitting carelessly and there’s no belly popping out… I like the eyes too, and the lips and the waist curving when going down to the hips. I find that curve to be very sexy.

    6. Do you believe in any superstitions, or have some particular ritual?

    Superstition: “An irrational belief that an object, action, or circumstance not logically related to a course of events influences its outcome.” So… no.

    Ritual: “any practice or pattern of behavior regularly performed in a set manner.” Not that I remember.  Maybe I should have a ritual, like being disciplined at something and do it no matter what, and maybe that way I’d get something done, but no.

    Umm… maybe using the computer and going to the same places online, checking my email and things I know have not been updated but I check them anyway?

    7. What’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done for somebody?

    I don’t think I have done any major gestures for anyone. I have been there for close friends, but sometimes I haven’t.
    I guess I have listened, and tried to help when I’m aware I can. I am extremelly absent minded and many times I've hurt people because I frankly have no idea that I am hurting them. I say the truth which doesn’t equal to be a donkey, because I’m pretty easygoing. I just say the truth.

    8. If you could something with your blog (cost, time and other factors irrelevant), what would you do?

    I would customize its aspect! I hate it that free blogger only has skins and no permission to edit CSS. I would use more graphical items (NOT flowers, bugs, and butterflies. Content-associated graphics) of my own to make my point more precisely than I do with only words.

    9. Books, chocolates, sex. Make a sentence with it.

    I was reading a sex novel alone in my house, when she unexpectedly entered the place, walked towards me, closed the book on my lap, took my hand and led me to a bath of liquid chocolate and told me I wouldn’t be needing the novel anymore.

    10. If you were dead now, what would people most remember about you?

    People have selective memory, so they wouldn't remember the great story of a boy who was always not smart and nice with most people, and he was the average student taking leave in all of his schooling history even he was good at listening, he did drugs and successfully he came out of it, and he was perfect in every sense, but he failed in life.

    Because in general don’t talk bad about the dead. If you die, that’s all you need to have a good reputation. And if you’re young, you’ll always be this great potential. “he could have been the most successful man in the whole world.” They’d say. And it’s only true because it’s not happening.

    We were joking about this a year ago with a friend. All we needed to get a mention in life would be dying. Then we’d be the best of the best while people stop feeling bad and move on.
    *
    I liked this meme very much,  should do it more often.

    I know

    February 21 2010

    The blog sucks lately. I have like 9 drafts with random crap. I can’t keep my focus long enough to even read the blogs I used to lose myself into (sorry).

    What I have been doing:

    Sleeping a lot in the day.
    Doing very short term tasks like running a couple of errands every now and then, nothing compromising.
    Avoiding my own conscience.
    Avoiding showing my concerns because that’d make people start talking about things that will bring out my conscience.
    Avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.
    Go away conscience.
    Being online a lot talking to one or two really cool people.
    Not taking medication which results in weird moods (I’m crying and 30 mins later I’m laughing for no reason), I act strange, my sleeping patterns are insane (it’s 4 am and I haven’t slept a bit).
    I am somewhat happy being a random drone who does fun things that require no effort or commitment; I don’t want to lose my sex drive again; I prefer not to think, and other equally immature reasons.
    Oh, I also hate my surroundings.
    I think there’s absolutely no communication flowing between us and part of it is my fault, of course, but they are matured, I’m the insane person, right?.
    Besides, there’s nothing bad about crying 3 times a day if it goes away the same as quickly.
    Not being that good at avoiding own conscience.
    Getting sick with a virus that flew overseas.
    Learning how to memorize a 26 digit number successfully, then becoming able to get the cube root of any number using that number.
    No not that impressive, it was a you tube video.
    It’s an easy task actually.
    Having fun and laughing a lot.
    Daydreaming just too much.
    Thinking how cool it is that my eyes are made of chocolate.
    Watching the dark knight for the fifth time.
    Not caring much about grammar (clearly).
    Being a time bomb machine ready to explode and disassemble my brain every time a serious situation arises.
    Reading short stories that I print out.
    Eating apples (and that’s all the healthy food I eat)
    Being really bad at avoiding over-thinking brain.
    Making posts that will make people uncomfortable when they read them.
    That’s pretty much it… yeah.

    500 days of Hosanna

    February 20 2010


    Fanboy version of Rahman’s Hosanna mixed with the dance sequence from the bubbly 500 days of Summer.

    Ten years from today

    February 20 2010

    Imagine or visualise yourself ten years from today. Don’t rush your answers and don’t put down the first thing that comes into your head. Really try to imagine yourself ten years down the track.

    What is the date (ten years from now)?
    February 20 2020.

    What’s my address?
    Somewhere in world (may be India).

    My age?
    39 (gahhh).

    Occupation?
    Business/Freelance writer.

    What’s my income?
    Enough to support my lifestyle!

    Write a sentence or two describing the family.
    A wife, one boy and a girl! (I know, how boring, right?)


    Describe my social life.
    Meeting my ex-schoolmates and ex-university mates once a year. Mostly hanging out with family.

    What have I achieved in the area of my mental life?
    Learnt enough to converse adequately with natives.

    What’s happened in my spiritual life over ten years?
    Nothing. I’m an atheistic.

    Describe my greatest achievement over the past ten years.
    (Oh man I just realised I answered this wrongly – I said I am busy. Oh well.) This is my least favourite question – I don’t think anything I will achieve in the next ten years will be the ‘greatest’. If there is, it would probably be having my own family, but how common is that! So… lousy question for me, yeah.

    Humour Of The Week

    February 9 2010

    I've started a new topic "Humor Of The Week" . I ll try to post like this once in a week. I think you all ll enjoy this cartoon!.  

    Who am I?

    February 18 2010


    Who am I? I am...

    Empathic/a listener/wise -
    I feel that I can relate to people, give them good advice even if I haven't experienced the situation I somehow know...

    Ambitious -
    New and exciting ideas pop into my head. To think of achieving my idea keeps me excited and motivated - usually carrying my ideas through.

    Social -
    I like to try and be social. I like to be in a crowd or a social environment - surrounded by people even if I'm not speaking or don't really know anyone. I can soak up the atmosphere and feel myself.

    Thankful -
    Thankful for everything that has happened in my life, the worst and the bad. I feel that there is a reason for everything and should let it be. Everything that has happened has taught me something.

    Free -
    I am happiest when I'm free. When I am outside exploring, doing and experiencing new things. I like a change of scenery - going places I've not gone before.

    Observational -
    I learn from watching and listening to others. Other's mistakes are my strengths( but most of the time my mistakes make others stronger). I learn from watching people's reactions and always listen to their story's.

    Tidy -
    I like my surroundings to be tidy as I like my life to be.

    Mysterious -
    I like to be more than meets the eye. I like it when people who think they know me find out more about me that they never knew and I turn out to be a completely different person...

    Scared -
    Scared of certain situations...such as calling people (apart from those I know very well). I don't like anything too unpredictable and whatever that maybe I'd prefer someone else to do it...

    Life

    February 17 2010

    Life's about learning the rules and playing it's complex strategy game.
    We learn strategies from others, or create our own. Carefully plotting our pieces - or taking wild risks. Each movement coming with consequences, points are lost - points are gained. Sometimes it's beginners luck, and sometimes we learn the hard way. Every round lost is another reason to keep playing. But to become a teacher of life is to learn as much from the pupil as they are learn from you. Even if we are to teach, we will always be the pupil.

    A Bad Night

    February 16 2010

    I'm really loosing a grip on things tonight. I feel panicky. My head feels as if it's pressurised and expanding. It's bombarded with thoughts, and currently I'm deaf and can't hear them. I'm about to scream, "this world is not real and I can't take it any more!" Everything looks out of proportion, it's the wrong colour, the wrong sound. Nothing looks the same, and me - I don't feel human. I want to sleep this off but I don't want any more bad dreams, most of all I'm scared I wont be able to come back from them...but I know thats just stupid, right?

    Happy Birthday Anni

    February 16 2010

    You're the best Anni in the World
    You're One Of A Kind
    You Have A Special Heart
    Wish I Was With You
    You're Such A Dear
    You're more than a sister-in-law
    really i say from my heart you are the best for ever Anni
    Happy Birthday Anni
    {to make you laugh "ganga jamuna kaveri"}





    Are you a good programmer?

    February 15 2010


    A good programmer will:
    • Read good code and appreciate it.
    • Embrace simplicity.
    • Embrace aesthetics.
    • Embrace review process.
    • No ego.
    • Collaborate and be team player.
    • Communicate properly.
    • Read Code complete, Pragmatic Programmer.
    • Visits slashdot and other tech blogs.
    • Do not have superficial knowledge.
    • Have common sense.
    • Develop a taste for programming.
    • Learn multiple languages.
    • Learn form the masters.
    • Optimal use of meetings.
    • Do not blame on compilers!
    • Fixes the issues at source.
    • Will have meaningful debug sessions.
    • Will be a part of religious war.
    • Will not be a part of religious war.
    • Uses version control effectively
    • Does not repeats himself
    • Will not become a manager!
    • Do not get defensive on review comments.
    • Do not entertain BS.
    • Do not tolerate lousy programmers.
    • Are lazy.
    • Do not live on jargons.
    • Will write test cases.
    • Will comment.
    • Will use correct tool.
    • Will develop tools.
    • and many more…. 

    Happy Valentine's Day

    February 14 2010


    Music and the Little Me

    February 13 2010

    As a child on long car journeys I used to make in my mind a little me who proceeded along the verges and over the hedges in a series of leaps and bounds.

    That little me is back again, swinging from the lamp posts as I drive through town, soaring and spinning with the music and the view.

    I hear music with my whole body. It moves through me in a shiver of sensations, opening new channels and pathways, reconfiguring my being. The world is magical, mysterious and dense with meaning.

    The truth is that on a human level ecstacy is as incapacitating as despair.

    Someday Never Comes

    February 12 2010

    (you better learn it fast, you better learn it young)


    Someday I will write intelligent meaningful posts, radical, articulate and full of elegant analysis, honest I will.


    Actually, someday I might have to. It feels as though all my ideas are being shaken up and rearranged, and streams of past experience, thoughts and memories are rising up within me, crying out for sense and shape to be made of them.


    As ever, my difficulties and dilemmas are not just mine. I have to sort through all the debates about the validity of psychiatry, the variety of therapeutic approaches, the warring opinions, the mess of explanations for mental illness or disorder, to find a structure of meaning within which I can sanely live.


    I want to stop taking the medication. (I *have* stopped taking the medication, but how long will I last, this time, before the hot shivers and cold prickles and sickness drive my weak self back again?)


    - What have they done to me, what have I done to myself


    And now I live like this. 


    I remember sunlight thick on the white walls and all the talk of war. How can I construct some optimistic vision of life on top of such a bitter heritage? What, in this wrecked and ruined earth, can possibly grow? Isn't it insane that anyone even expects we might be happy?


    I learned it fast. I learned it young. There never was much innocence for me.

    Broken

    February 11 2010

    I'm not sick, there's nothing wrong with me, I just don't know how I can live, I don't think I want to, I don't think there's a way.

    Someone has fractured me by their actions and I realise now that, yes, the world really is the way I feared it was.

    Do Not Be Ashamed

    February 10 2010

    I am increasingly committed to my own genuine experience, to exploring what I actually think and feel and want and aligning my life with that.I guess that's what I'm trying to do, make a map, even though it feels like I am tracing a tantalisingly faint path through a deep dark forest a very long way from civilisation. It's hard to explain just how far out I sometimes feel, how I walk round town and the human race seems so alien to me that I keep waiting for the voiceover that will explain their motivations, habits and behaviour.

    Still, I find sometimes in pictures or poetry or music or blogs evidence that there are others out there that are "of my kind" and it comforts me. Here's a poem I like:

    DO NOT BE ASHAMED

    You will be walking some night
    in the comfortable dark of your yard
    and suddenly a great light will shine
    round about you, and behind you
    will be a wall you never saw before.
    It will be clear to you suddenly
    that you were about to escape,
    and that you are guilty: you misread
    the complex instructions, you are not
    a member, you lost your card
    or never had one. And you will know
    that they have been there all along,
    their eyes on your letters and books,
    their hands in your pockets,
    their ears wired to your bed.
    Though you have done nothing shameful
    they will want you to be ashamed,
    they will want you to kneel and weep
    and say you should have been like them.
    And once you say you are ashamed,
    reading the page they hold out to you,
    then such light as you have made
    in your history will leave you.
    They will no longer need to pursue you.
    You will pursue them, begging forgiveness.
    They will not forgive you.
    There is no power against them.
    It is only candor that is aloof from them,
    only an inward clarity, unashamed,
    that they cannot reach. Be ready.
    When their light has picked you out
    and their questions are asked, say to them:
    "I am not ashamed". A sure horizon
    will come around you. The heron will begin
    his evening flight from the hilltop.

    -Wendell Berry

    My Photos

    February 9 2010


    This is at my apartment campus taken on 27/01/10

    Quotes

    February 8 2010

    The only thing to be done, now,
    now that the waves of our undoing have begun to strike on us,
    is to contain ourselves.

    To keep still, and let the wreckage of ourselves go,
    let everything go, as the wave smashes us,
    yet keep still, and hold
    the tiny grain of something that no wave can wash away,
    not even the most massive wave of destiny.

    ****

    If men were as much men as lizards as lizards
    they'd be worth looking at.

    ****

    And be, oh be
    a sun a me,
    not a weary, insistent
    personality

    but a sun that shines
    and goes dark, but shines
    again and entwines
    with the sunshine in me

    till we both of us
    are more glorious
    and more sunny.

    ****

    People who complain of loneliness must have lost something
    lost some living connection with the cosmos, out of themselves,
    lost their life-flow
    like a plant whose roots are cut.
    And they are crying like plants whose roots are cut.
    But the presence of other people will not give them new, rooted connection
    it will only make them forget.
    The thing to do is in solitude slowly and painfully put forth new roots
    into the unknown, and take root by oneself.

    ****

    All that we know is nothing, we are merely crammed waste-paper baskets
    unless we are in touch with that which laughs at all our knowing.

    ****

    The gods are nameless and imageless
    yet looking in a great full lime-tree of summer
    I suddenly saw deep into the eyes of gods:
    it is enough.

    ****

    The race is not to the swift
    but to those that can sit still
    and let the waves go over them.

    ****

    Are you willing to be sponged out, erased, cancelled,
    made nothing?
    Are you willing to be made nothing?
    dipped into oblivion?

    If not, you will never really change.

    ****

    all D. H Lawrence

    I say to myself, and to others

    February 7 2010

    You can be broken down, and I will hold and love you that way.
    You can fall apart, and I will hold and love you that way.
    You can have nothing to offer for now, and I will hold and love you that way.
    You can be at your lowest ebb, and I will hold and love you that way.
    You can be depressed, contorted, wounded, or distraught, and I will hold and love you that way.

    I will do this with no insistence that you be fixed.

    Strange Times

    February 6 2010

    Strange times, strange thoughts. So much going on for me. Mind being rearranged. Forces I can barely comprehend moving me around. Structures of meaning shown to be fractured and lacking. A night without medication becomes a long journey through ideas and memories. Is it necessary to be angry? Because mostly I am sad.

    Vacation

    February 5 2010

    I am  going on vacation for 1 week. I ll update asap. 

    Grammy Awards

    February 4 2010



    A.R.Rahman has done it again. After bagging two Oscars for his stupendous musical score in Slumdog Millionaire earlier this year, Rahman is now all set to bring home the Grammy. In case you are wondering what we are talking about, it's the big news that A.R. Rahman has been nominated in two categories at the 2010 Grammy awards.

    Rahman's chartbuster 'Jai Ho' from Slumdog Millionaire has been nominated for 'Best Song written for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media' while the second nomination for the music maestro is under the category 'Best Compilation Soundtrack Album for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media.' 

    This is the first time that the Musical Genius has been nominated for the prestigious Grammys. The Grammy awards will be presented on January 31st 2010 at the Staples Centre in Los Angeles. We hope and pray that Rahman emerges victorious once again and brings home the Grammy.

    Wrong?

    February 3 2010

    I'd say that my view on things sexually is quite distorted. Well, sexually everything's a bit messed up for me, but I won't go into that on here. Not that I have a problem with it - just that it's possible I have family reading this blog! I was thinking, am I just open minded or a little bit wrong in the head?

    Every thing happens for a reason

    February 2 2010

    "I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe less so eventually you trust no one but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

    - Marilyn Monroe

    This has always been one of my philosophies in life. Whenever something bad happens I just shrug my shoulders and know that fate has set it's path for me, yes I might kick up a fuss at times, but all I can do is keep on floating down these rivers of life, braving the rapids and enjoying the calm...

    "This rotten world's gonna chew you up swallow you whole and then spit you back out
    The sooner you recognize this simple fact then this rotten world gives you what you lack"

    - Rotten World Blues, Eels

    Loner

    February 1 2010



    Life's hard, 
    Even harder if you don’t feel loved.
    Especially by those you’ve given so much of it too.
    To give but to not receive,
    Is the most painful thing indeed.
    You lose your purpose,
    Your will
    Your life.


    In a corner I sit and stare,
    But really I'm wishing someone would talk to me.
    I’m scared of being alone,
    Without anipra  by my side,
    She wants to take my hand through,
    The good,
    The bad,
    The wild.


    I know I’m a terrible lover,
    It’s a place I lack experience.
    Always afraid to speak unless spoken to,
    Wanting to run and hide.


    Friends come along, get bored and move on.
    For I've been hurt so many times,
    Again I’m used.
    Again I’m empty
    Again I’m alone


    I’m sorry I couldn't always be there,
    For many reasons you know,
    But the thought never crossed your mind,
    To be a friend and comfort me at that time.
    Our conversations are always short now,
    I may as well be invisible,
    It’s lost,
    It’s gone,
    It’s dead.