Selfish Spoilt Child: How I Want Everything I Cannot Have

April 29th, 2009

I want to eat because I’m bored and depressed but then I’m terrified of gaining weight.

I want to sleep to escape how I’m feeling but then I’m having nightmares that make me wake up bolt upright in bed.

I want to self-harm but now my Mum is more aware of the situation I don’t want her knowing I’ve been in self-harming that badly.

I want to die but then I’m scared of not being able to even do that properly.

I want to stop taking all the meds but then I’m scared that if I feel this bad on them, how will I feel off them?

I want all of this crap to end. I tried ringing Sharmila today just for a bit of moral support to tell me I can get through this but she was out. Instead I got my doc with a computer system that was down so he didn’t know anything about me. I know I see her on Friday and I only have to get through tonight and then tomorrow.

I guess I want doesn’t get though.

I just want an assurance that this will end.

Learning From Mistakes

April 28th, 2009

I’m very good at putting myself in the same situation, time and time again even though I know that no good will come of it and occasionally even if I know that it will just cause total chaos and upset. People often say that we learn through experience and via our mistakes, if that is true then I am either a very slow learner or completely inept when it comes to learning.

The Drugs Do Work: How Side Effects Can Affect Your Quality Of Life

April 27th, 2009

The olanzapine is working, in fact it is working well. I have been sleeping without nightmares or flashbacks. I have stopped seeing my dead cat wander around the house. I haven’t felt creepy crawlies climb over my skin. In fact it is what psychiatrists would call “a good result”.

However, olanzapine comes with a side effect that affects 90% of people who take it; weight gain. Since going into the Priory I have gained a stone and a half. Most people say I look better for gaining the weight, but being typically male and with an eating disorder, I hate it. I wish I was in the 10% who didn’t get weight gain, but I’m not.

I have reverted back to the tricks I used to use when I was totally entranced in being thin. Drinking lots of water, sucking ice cubes, throwing food up once eaten (I have to eat at home) and many other things. I have been looking at thinspiration pictures but instead of inspiring me, that have made me feel fat and worthless.

I want to take an overdose of the evil stuff just to sleep and forget my thoughts. I don’t want to die, in fact I told a friend this morning that I wanted to live and this is true. I want to fight this bloody illness and be stable, I want to fight the world and be in remission and I want to see 2010; at least I do at present. I can feel myself slipping into a depressive phase and I need to stop it. I see my therapist on Monday and then my psychiatrist on Thursday.

I still don’t agree with Dr that I am juggling too many plates, I agree with a friend who said the plates I am juggling are bloody large but few in number (I have adapted what he said but that was the general idea). I tried to explain how things were to my Mum earlier. We sat down and had a bit of a talk about the last few months. She wondered out loud if there was anything she could have done that would have made a difference and I came up with what I thought was a good analogy.

I told her having bipolar was like having a switch in your brain, and that switch was flicked to depression, just when my switch was flicked in late November the lightbulb blew and so I was in the dark.

I’m quite impressed by that, for me at least. Anyway I think the air between us is a little better after talking to each other. All I have to do now is talk to Dr about the olanzapine and weight gain. I think that one could be difficult as he doesn’t seem to accept weight gain is depressing. When I had a male psych he understood that being a certain weight was paramount to my mental stability but a women seems to think as long as the drugs are working then that is fine.


Given Up

April 26th, 2009

"Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

Given Up by Linkin Park. I find some relation somehow with this album, it feels odd to say that it stopped me from killing myself, but I stood up and took notice. Now’s the time to hope it’ll work again.

Slumdog Millionaire

April 25th, 2009

If you haven't heard the buzz surrounding Slumdog Millionaire, we'd like to know exactly which rock you've been hiding under the last few months. Let us catch you up: This touching, compelling drama from Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later) was last year's critical darling and pretty much made a clean sweep of the awards circuit, ultimately taking home the Oscar for best picture. So if you are one of those people who are in the dark (shame on you), now you can see the movie in stunning high definition with this beautiful Blu-ray release. The sights and sounds of Mumbai come alive in the HD version, and everything (yes, even the public toilet scene) is stunningly crisp. Boyle balances his "kid from the slums (Dev Patel) goes on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, while also hoping to win his true love (Frieda Pinto, who is even more beautiful in HD)" plot device with tons of frantic action on the crowded Mumbai streets. That action is complimented here with an awesome soundtrack that also benefits from the Blu-ray upgrade. (If the end credits don't make you want to dance, we don't know you at all.) Most of the bonus features are your "making of" featurettes, but watching Boyle — who finally has gotten the praise he's deserved for so long — makes them interesting enough. There are also plenty of deleted scenes and even a "from script to screen" feature on that infamous aforementioned toilet scene. You may go into this movie expecting to have your life changed forever, and that's probably too big of an expectation, even given all the praise the film has earned. But its story will definitely touch you, and you should be entertained from start to finish. It's a solid movie all around, and a great way to spend an evening at home.

Making Sense

April 24th, 2009

I had an appointment with my personal tutor today, to talk about Extenuating Circumstaces. At the time, I was fine with it, I can understand our decision: do it in retrospect. That’s fine with me, that’s not the problem. The problem is why I can’t do the work, why I lie in bed all day instead of getting up.
I saw him before this month about things, so he already knows. But I just can’t explain it. Why I want to put in the extenuating circumstances form. To put it in makes me feel lazy. Like I’m not even trying; he fails to understand that. I will try, I always do. He said that if I start working as soon as I leave his office, that there is no reason why I will do badly in my exams. In theory, in principal, yes. It makes sense in my head, I just don’t know why I can’t do it, why after an hour my head wanders and I’m exhausted and have to sleep. Logically there is no answer to this, and I’m so angry at myself for being like this. I want to study, these courses interest me; just something is stopping me. I wish I knew what the problem was, why I can’t just get on with everything, like a normal person. I’m kidding myself, I’m not ill. Just lazy.

The happy medium?

April 23rd, 2009

I’m feeling pretty good today; nothing is bugging me or playing on my mind, I’m not impulsive, just… happy. Nothing is getting me down, I’m relaxed and enjoying things. I like this.


April 22nd, 2009

Some days you feel like you shouldn’t even have got up.

Others take you completely by surprise and blow your socks off. They make you reconsider your thoughts and views of life and give you so much hope. Today was one of those days.

Bored, Sick And Tired

April 21st, 2009

Bored, sick and tired of this same routine repeating day after day, week after week. How I can’t get out of bed, how I have no energy, how my brother is the pretty one, how I’ve given up on myself, how I fall asleep after an hour of studying, how I can’t see the good side, how there are no secluded parks in Birmingham city centre, how I’m vegetating but not living, how people keep talking to me, how I can’t be bothered to do anything about anything.

Things I don’t understand

April 20th, 2009

Like how one day I can be feeling pretty good; the next I can’t get out of bed

Like how people can appear to be okay, when really they’re not

Like how clothes that haven’t fitted for ages miraculously do

Like how people can be oblivious to anything and everything and the damage they’re doing

Like why books are so expensive

Like why the decision between new phone or iPod and which one can be so difficult

Like how I have to quash myself every day to stop making a show of myself

Like how people that supposedly understand, don’t

Like how the mental health system is so complex that when I’m feeling that bad, I can’t even bear to think about navigating it

Like how I have so much work to do, and a will to do it but my head is swimming

Like how making a decision always has repercussions

Like how I can decide that when I get back to Pollachi I will throw away my box of goodies, but five minutes later that idea is totally inconceivable

Like how people still want to know me


April 19th, 2009

What goes up must come down

What goes down must come up

There’s hope.

The Well Worn Path

April 18th, 2009

I’ve been here before. My feet drag along the path I’ve walked before, not once, not twice but many more times than that. The path to hell, the unpredictable one, the unsafe one; the one that is the same every single bloody time I go down it. I know how it starts, I know how it ends. The ending is always the same, it’s never once gone right; evidence being I’m sitting here writing this.

I wonder how I get to lead myself down this path, time after time. How I never learn, how I never manage to make things right, how I never stop myself from falling. Time after time, I have to pick myself up as though nothing is wrong, and time after time I beat myself up for falling into this trap. I never seem to recognise the beginning, and my memory isn’t good enough to remember what happens each time. Stage one is a flurry of action: no food, no sleep. Anything, anything that tips me over the edge. Then we have stage 2: realisation of what I’ve done, and time to beat myself up over it. Time to drag myself along doing whatever kicking and screaming a tirade of abuse at myself for not doing it better. I should be perfect by now. I’m 28 years old, I’ve been in this business for 1 and a half years, so why oh why am I not right? Or, I’ve lived here forever, how can I not know where that is? I don’t learn, I just know. I can’t take being told, I can’t take compliments, I can’t take insults. I have the upper hand, I stamp out my emotions to make sure that I am not vulnerable, even though that makes me more vulnerable than ever before.

Stage three: irrational actions, impulsive ideas, not having a clue what I’m doing, where I am and where I am going… obsessive behaviours… the stage I’m in now. I spend days sitting on buses going from pollachi to chennai not exactly knowing why, but deep down I HAVE to go, I can’t not go; not going would be wrong. This stage also starts planning and plotting my own demise. What can I do that I know is bad for me? What can I do to make family and people hate me, so they won’t miss me when I’m gone? Then, stage four. The end. Everything is out of control, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing, I make random suicide attempts using completely obscure ideas, and the worst thing is, I don’t even realise what I’m doing. I just start walking, and then half an hour later I’ve acquired all manner of random objects. It doesn’t make sense now, it never will but it really did then.

I’ve been reading back over some things, things that at the time most probably made so much sense, but now? I can’t understand the logic. That’s probably where my doctor was coming from when he said suicide is a moment of irrationality. I can understand it from both sides, the side of people who don’t understand and my side, and my side’s winning out.

I have ideas, plans. That can go two ways, simultaneously. I know Chennai like the back of my hand, I know how to get from one place to another, I know the area well. How one can do one thing, slip away and do their own thing perfectly easily. I don’t know what’ll happen in the end. Whether what I know I can do will, or will not. It all depends on who takes which way home, I have pure opportunity, I’m going home alone. I can go anywhere, walk anywhere, do anything. This is what I hate. No part of me ever agrees on anything, and by that I mean anything. I can’t make decisions. I just stand there like a fish, trying to decide. Ask me what I want to order at a restaurant and you can probably see : this, or that, or that or this? It’s wearing me down, a lot.

I’d like to give in, give the bad side what it wants, at least I’d never have to make a decision again. On the other hand, I want to spite it, to say “ha” and to show my head who is boss. It’s just I can’t keep on being out of control. I can’t loose too many more days on days like these, where I get up late and spend the entire day on looking for something, then when I find it, decide I don’t want it after all, I don’t understand it, or my actions. Why it had to be THAT bottle of alcohol, when I know damn well that the off licence around the corner sells it. The advantage of not having bought it is that perhaps I am saved from a bit of bother from psychosis, which may rear it’s head around alcohol. The downside is, that I’m still desperate for this alcohol. I don’t understand why it’s so important, seeing as I have a lot of alcohol at my feet, and none of it will do! Mango Malibu? No; Get 27? No, but understandable; Cans of ready mixed vodka and whatever? No but I want to bin them as no doubt they’ll be horrible; and MGM Vodka from September when I started to drink “to kill the pain” except for the fact that it numbed my senses and I did more damage than I would have… So, alcohol isn’t a good idea. Right. So what do I do? I have the concentration of a fish, I’ve tried to do some reading to no avail, I wanted to start my essay today, but experience has taught me that is a very bad idea when in this state and I’ve been watching Outnumbered on iPlayer to the point that I can no longer stand it. I am bored, and want one thing only.

My mind is keeping up all too well with time, and how slowly it is going. How it really isn’t passing, and I’m jolty with energy, yet I still don’t want to venture outside. Can you help me? Ideas, anyone?

Rambling Stream Of Consciousness

April 17th, 2009

I feel like absolute death, I want to die now. Or be thin. Or be drunk. Or something. I don’t want to be here, as I am.

I’m heavy, heavier than I’ve been in a long time and that is not a good feeling. I feel like shit, I feel like I’m getting old without having done anything. I feel like my life is trailing behind me in a vapour of undone things.

I wish I were dead, or I wish I were something else.

I’ve just eaten my dinner a time early, my appetite is through the roof. My eyes are tired, my soul is depleted, I miss the people I’ve lost and it’s glaringly obvious who I mean when I say that. I’m so unhappy, so lost, so ready to give up. Or change. Dramatically. One thing or another, it’s either, or.

Wo Bist Du ?

April 16th, 2009

So, where are you then? I remember dreamy days, days where I’d dream of living in Pollachi, living a life here with My ANIPRA, the what I termed “perfect” life. I can’t remember anymore, I can’t write anymore. I write here, but this isn’t what I used to write. I used to write stories, I could play them out inside my head. Now, there’s nothing. I can’t summon any ideas up for anything, and even if I do, I don’t have the energy to just keep writing. I can write for hours about this: depression, how I feel. But it’s not exactly the same, is it?

I’m even beginning to struggle with writing here. My drafts bin is full of bits and pieces; incomprehensible ideas that I can’t express rightly outside my brain.What happens to My ANIPRA, What happens next, what will be taken away from me this time?

(wo bist du ? = where are you? My German teacher wrote that I have a ‘Blühende Fantasie’ = Flourishing imagination and it’s getting a bit hard to live up to that!)

Global Warming

April 15th, 2009

Global warming is an increase in the average temperature of Earth's surface. Since the late 1800's, the global average temperature has increased about 0.7 to 1.4 degrees F (0.4 to 0.8 degrees C). Many experts estimate that the average temperature will rise an additional 2.5 to 10.4 degrees F (1.4 to 5.8 degrees C) by 2100. That rate of increase would be much larger than most past rates of increase.
Global warming could have many damaging effects. It might harm plants and animals that live in the sea. It could also force animals and plants on land to move to new habitats. Weather patterns could change, causing flooding, drought, and an increase in damaging storms. Global warming could melt enough polar ice to raise the sea level. In certain parts of the world, human disease could spread, and crop yields could decline.Read on more here

Current Status

April 14th, 2009

I’ve made a list of the good and the bad of this month. I think that although there are fewer good’s, they’re better, stronger, faster good’s than the ‘niggling’ bad’s. I think the good’s that have come out of it are:

My mood’s becoming more stable: less low, less high… more nothing

My eating has sorted itself out: not particularly binged, and vaguely resembles normality now

I have some form of routine and comfort in Pollachi

I’ve really cut down my alcohol consumption

Being dead inside, emotionless

Completely lacking enthusiasm and motivation

Regretting things in the past that really can’t be changed/they happened and I can’t blame myself because of the way I was back then

Being really rather agitated. Especially if it involves shopping!

I’m still feeling like people are going to attack me, then experience mild shock when they don’t/

Some craziness about me being a gunman and being on the run from the police. I really wouldn’t ask, since I don’t know much either, although my sent messages do :s

Low level hearing things: people calling my name/hearing phones going off.

But I’m fine, honestly. That’s what I’ll tell you… &

Iniya Tamil Puthandu Nal Vazthukal

I am who I am

April 13th, 2009

I am who I am.

I am the son who shouts loudest, laughs loudest, is totally unrestrained and is always jumping around. It doesn’t matter who, why when or what, I’m always jumping and shouting. This morning I realised I don’t think I’ve ever heard my brother guru shout or jump around in the house; I’m seeing now why my parents say it is so quiet without me. Fair does, perhaps I was once that quiet, and I do have a tendency to frequently lock myself in my room for evenings at a time, but during the day, I’m there and you know it.

I am who I am. The personality traits may annoy the hell out of others, I might talk too much (okay, I talk too much full stop. There is always a conversation to be had…) But like it or lump it, guru is here to stay and he WILL talk you into submission. End of.


April 12th, 2009

Well things have calmed down a bit since my last post thankfully. I’m managing and my mood is pretty good. I’m quite enjoying the peace, quiet and not having to be anywhere at a specific time! I got my presentation done today, I really enjoyed it. I’m thinking of starting the essay tonight which I’m wondering if it’s a bit hasty but I like this new found work ethic! Just I need to do a lot tomorrow, and then well, I’m all set to go home. Although with this peace, I’m not actually sure I want to go. Turn around for the books, eh?

Doing what’s right for me

April 11th, 2009

I’ve been noticing that I probably need to start looking after myself better, look for signs that things aren’t right. I already have an idea of some things which affect my mood, for example sleeping. If I go out, come back late at night it takes me about 2 days to recover. A hideously long time. And the reason for that? I have to make the sleep up, and when I’m tired, my mood drops and then I have to deal with the drop, and try not to spiral too far. It’s a bit of a pain, if I’m going to be honest. I really, really enjoy going out to certain places, and when I’m home I do tend to go out a lot, simply because I think Pollachi is better for that kind of thing. I hate, however, that now day 2 has come around I’m feeling rather deflated and wanting to crawl under my bed. I know I need to put my health first, but I’m 28 and I want to still be able to lead my life; I don’t want to give in, it feels like I’m letting depression win if I never go out because I know I’ll get tired and my mood will sink.

Where else do I have to make the right choices? Well I have to be conscious of implications of my actions, what I say to people. Because later, I can use it as ammunition against myself, to say that I’m a bad person because of what I said, regardless of the person’s opinion. People can ‘love’ what I say, but I still beat myself up. So, my funny side runs away, gets compressed, is gone.

This post could turn into a moan, so I’ll stop here. The message is that I don’t want to have to give myself up, my youth, how I am to this. But I have to do something to stop myself from falling down a black hole.

Only One About

April 10th, 2009

I always thinking only .....
The one about my ANIPRA
The one about silence
The one about my last relationship
The one about how I started self-harming
The one about my pch doc
The one about how I was actually abused
The one about my family
The one about death 1
The one about the day I was in the prison
The one about the day I was bailed
The one about my hair style
The one about my weight loss
The one about my weight gain
The one about relationships
The one about my dressing
The one about my identity
The one about my favoured vices
The one about being triggered
The one about my sorrows of 2008
The one about my depression
The one that lists all the meds I've been on

Pass The Earplugs

April 9th, 2009

Lately, I’ve been particularly tired. I get home from work, eat (or not), and go to bed. It’s 8pm and I’m nodding off in my chair typing this.

I don’t know what it is. My depression is well under control - my ability to think coherently, work hard, accomplish a lot both at work and outside of work - it all points to my depression meds being at the right level. I take daily multivitamins, and a separate iron tablet, just to make sure. (And no, my iron levels aren’t too high - I suffer from chronic depression.) So what is it?

Of course, it’s not like I get a full night’s sleep. I still wake up between one and two am every morning, for an hour or so. This started when my depression started to spiral out of control, some time in August last year, and I haven’t been able to shake the habit. My psychiatrist says my body has probably just got into the habit of breaking up my sleep at night.

Anyhow, I’m knackered. Time to hit the sack.

Two Minute Review : Ayan

April 8th, 2009

Once again K.V.Anand, the ace cinematographer turned director has come up with an usual story, but with a fresh approach.
Ayan is a 100 percent peppy and racy entertainment which will hold everyone to their seat to watch till the final shot.

The story of the film is not a new one. It is like the old wine in a new bottle. But the director serves the wine with the most apt side dishes that increases its taste and makes it a fresh one!

Deva (Surya) is a computer science post graduate living in North Madras area with his mother (Renuka) who runs a grocery shop and duty free shop in the Bazaar.

Instead of getting a government job according to his studies, Deva likes to become a smuggler (Kuruvi-carrier of smuggling goods from abroad) and finally joins Das (Prabhu), a good hearted local smuggler and old friend of his late father.

Kamlesh (Akashdeep Saigal) is the only enemy of Das - Deva and always tries to become the number one in the bazaar by using all means. He cant even tolerate their small victories.

Soon he sends one of his boy Chitti (Jegan) as a spy in Das' gang. Later Deva finds this and removes him from his gang. But in the meantime Deva falls in love with Chitty's beautiful younger sister.

Kamlesh greedy to get rich and powerful starts dealing in narcotics, which is against the principles and ethics of Deva-Das combo. All this leads to bloody clashes and a satisfied climax.

What makes you to enjoy the film is K.V.Anand's fresh and logical approach throughout the film. The comedy portions have been work out very well. The introduction scene between Surya and Tamanna is an interesting piece and it continues in all the scenes involving the lead pair.

Surya dons his role with passion. His performance as an energetic action hero throughout the film pumps up the adrenaline of the viewers. He looks charming and his romantic scenes with Tamanna are poetical.

Tamanna looks very fresh and beautiful like lovely angel and steals the hearts of viewers. The chemistry between Tamanna and Surya is terrific and quite enjoyable.

The circumstance leading to Surya meeting Tamanna for the first time due to the antics of Jagan is a real fun ride. Prabhu is a sweet surprise in the film. He plays the role as Das, the good hearted smuggler with style and dignity.

Others like Ponvannan, Karunaas, Jagan, Renuka and Akashdeep Saigal play their roles well enough.

Two songs under Harris Jayaraj's music are peppy, but the other two have really become the Speed breakers to the fast phase of the the screenplay. His background score has also not come up to the mark.

M.S Prabhu, the growing cameraman, is the offscreen hero of the film! His camera angles and colouring sense have really helped to show the film in a different style.
Rajeevan’s set design and Antony's fast cutting are the major pluses for Ayan.

A must watch entertainer this Summer!


Cast: Surya, Prabhu, Tamanna, Karunaas, Ponvannan, Jagan
Music: Harris Jayaraj
Camera: M.S.Prabhu
Stunts: Kanal Kannan
Arts: Rajeevan
Editor: Antony
Story, Screenplay and Direction: K.V.Aanand
Producers: AVM
Presenter: Sun Pictures

Days of My Life - 2008

April 7th, 2009

A typical weekday in my life - 2008
0800 to 0900 Wake up, bathroom activities.
0900 to 1000 Orkut, read blog, get ready for work.
1000 to 1100 Brave traffic to work. Often arrive just a little bit late.
1100 to 1200 Laze about at the office. If there’s work, will start.
1200 to 1500 Work. Apparently it is a slow season for my business, so I’m often between work and wait. Do a bit of work, wait. Repeat process till lunch time. In between eat fruits  instead of breakfast.
1500 to 1600 Lunch time. More often than not, stay in office to eat lunch I go home.
1600 to 1700 Coffee with Anipra.
1700 to 2200 Work. business consists of selling products, explaining, checking e-mail, organising,  getting forms from clients, checking those forms, sending draft to clients via e-mail and receiving feedback from them before repeat the steps all over again.
2200 to 2230 closing the store.
2230 to 2300 Having a vodka alone.                                              
2300 to 2330 Brave traffic again, reach home, dinner. Commuting takes between half hour to 45 minutes.
2330 to 0300 Watch tv or a movie  at home.
0300 to 0800 Sleeps and dreams.

A typical weekend in my life
Doing all of the above throughout the day. Remove the work bits and add reading and more drinking and eating.

What To Write For My 250th Post?

April 6th, 2009

After I had written yesterday's post and published it, I noticed an error in it so I decided to edit it. There's nothing unusual in that because even though I read through each post a couple of times the odd error still slips thorough. Anyway I corrected it, but while I was going through the process I noticed that it was the 249Th post on my blog. I have written more, but a number never got published; so my next post was going to be number 250. Well, I had to make sure that it was something memorable.

I have spent most of the day puzzling over what I could write and I have not thought of anything that is either memorable or earth-shatteringly interesting. I’ll just record a few unconnected thoughts for posterity.

Many Things About Me

I often fear I’m going to die before I accomplish everything I want to do. I don’t want to die without leaving a mark. And the little scratch I made in a tree when I was 13 doesn’t count.

I do like the person I am and what I’m becoming. It is a great help to like yourself. It is a good feeling, and a good tool to deal with adversity. I can appreciate it now because it’s not always been this way. My self esteem is not too great most of the time. I’ve hated myself. I’ve disliked myself deeply and for a long time.

I probably only like myself now because I haven’t been around other people in a while. Know the phrase “I only like me when I’m alone”?. Nevertheless, I think this perception is more accurate than the one I get when I’m around other people, as the latter is a result of social anxiety and lack of assertiveness in many situations that trigger automatic thoughts of self loathing.

I often find myself doing wishful thinking about what my life would be if I could live abroad. And feel frustrated at the fact that I can’t do it now. It drives me nuts the possibility of dying after only knowing a teeny tiny portion of the planet.

However, I also fear to make my dream come true in case I screw up. But it’s also true that there are lots of places to go.

My ethnicity is not a big part of my identity now, but it might be when I live somewhere else.

My looks don’t really worry me much most of the time. I’m glad my brain is not obsessing about that.

I usually think that if I don’t write down my thoughts, I will forget them. I have a terrible memory. I’ve read some of my old posts without recognizing what I was thinking at the time.

I wish I was a better writer, because I dislike not being able to present my thoughts in a reliable way. It’s very possible that the things I remember about my life and myself are not very reliable. I can remember the retelling of a story, but with each retelling the story changes shape until there’s only a vague idea of what the original thought was. It drives me nuts.

Memories are often linked with emotions. I suspect I lack some connection between my cerebral cortex and my limbic system, so for any given memory I try to keep, I’ll remember more facts than what the memory is actually supposed to evoke.

I’m like a moth to a flame with smart people. I have low tolerance for ignorance, and sometimes that makes me act like a stupid.

I fear that because I suffer from depression, the people I care about feel inhibited when they are going through hard times. Just because I’m not doing well at any given time does’t mean I think other people’s problems are less important.

In 2008, for the first time I was in jail for 11 days because of a false case and pictured as an accust. I must have been sick at the time.

I don’t think I’m going to work as a programmer. It’s not only because it’s hard but because I don’t want to. I still want to graduate to get some closure and open some doors in the world of opportunities.

One day I’d like to: Buy an Euroair ticket and everything else I would need for an Eurotrip; do the eurotrip; do skydiving; visit the Great Barrier Reef and scuba dive.

I would like to learn to speak french, to dust off my math-related brain synapses, and to learn some physics. For now.

I would like to sing Karaoke. I always picture myself singing my favorite songs in front of lots of people.

If I had the chance to go to the space, I’d be very afraid of leaving the planet. At least without seeing most of it. I’m very fond of the Earth.

I don’t like to feel the sun on my skin. I’m always thinking “Cell damage! Cell damage! DNA breaking! Ahhh!”

I have a very dirty mind and I like it.

I absolutely despise cowfighting. Everybody cheers when the bull gets stabbed but it’s a big tragedy if the cow fights back and hurts the human.

I have never seen snow, and I’m currently very jealous of all the people who are enjoying it.

I like water, I am good at swimming. But I am not fit enough. I may drown by getting tired. I always say I’m going to correct that…

Crazy Meds

April 5th, 2009

Meds seem to be working and I am generally feeling more stable. Although I screwed up and drank regular coffee instead of decaf yesterday which nullified all of my meds. I was pretty much ruined for the day. *oh the drama*

A Night Without Sleep

April 4th, 2009

Yes, it was a bad night. Not a wink of sleep, and I feel like a block of ice. My nose is constantly running, and the sneezing is worse than yesterday. So I think it is fair to say that I have got a cold.

I'm going to run a hot bath, have a nice soak in it, then wrap myself up in pyjamas and an a big woolly shawl and get back into bed with a hot drink, a hot water bottle, some books, some DVDs, and a very large box of tissues.

I might do a little bit of studying, perhaps some surfing on the net, but I particularly hope that I will be getting some sleep. It's the worst thing in the world to have a cold when you live on your own. You have no-one to get sympathy from.

Post Titles

April 3rd, 2009

Sometimes it can be almost as difficult to find a catchy and/or relevant title for a post as it is to write the post in the first place. And sometimes I can't think of what to write at all. Thursday wasn't one of those days; I managed to add three posts to the blog, none of them particularly earth-shattering, but each of them having something to say about how I had spent my day and how I was feeling.

My visitor figures are never particularly outstanding, although it is nice to know that some people read what I say and take the time and effort to comment. I often wonder what draws people to the blog in the first place so I often have a look at what search terms people use that causes them to have their first look (or even draw them back again later).

I have commented in the past that the search terms "meeting under the clock at Waterloo" and "studying and depression" regularly bring readers to the site. Then there was the saga of the students in brazil who all arrived at the blog by searching for "procrastination is the thief of time"; I don't think that my post with that as its theme will have helped them very much.

On Thursday I went out for the day in an effort to try to cheer myself up after a particularly difficult day on Monday. I wrote a post giving details of where I had been and what I had done. Later that same evening I added another post because I had forgotten to include one of the highlights of the day. It was a very short post compared with many on this blog, and it had what I thought was a catchy and relevant title considering the subject. Yesterday I had somebody arrive through searching "keyhole surgery". I don't think that they found what they were looking for though.

So should I be a bit more careful about what I call the posts or what I write about? I don't think so. After all, it may lead someone to become a regular reader, so I don't care how they find my blog; I only hope they take a moment to read it and maybe find something that is worth reading.

Are you drunk ?

April 1st, 2009

April Fool yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!