A chat with myself

September 9 2012 

I chat with prabhupepsi today(yes its me, myself). Although I had some ideas he disagreed with about civilisation and the like, he said I was making good eye contact, smiling, and able to listen to him.

And he didn't pour cold water on my life plans like everyone else has, saying that I need purpose and structure in my life. I've just got to stop the cycle of depression. Since he thinks mental illness is caused/made worse by stressful triggers that can be identified he's keen for me to write a daily diary so I can better learn to identify such triggers, because it's not something I've proved good at. Quite often I can find no reason for a mood change at all, yet he insists there is one. I don't know what I think about this.

We talked about the life. A safe way of doing things. Eminently sensible advice. So why can't I take it? Why I am stubbornly kicking against it? Why am I still planning to continue the reduction on such a rapid schedule?

One of the reasons is my loneliness. I've since lost a love and have another love to go to get back to where I want to be, the place where I actually like the way my life looks and feels. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. Maybe that's unhealthy but I can't imagine going to past and doing all these new things I'm planning unless I've lost this love. And I can't wait to get off it and for my life to return to normal. 

I feel I'm strong enough to cope with anything and this time will be different. But it could all go disastrously wrong and then will I wish I'd listened? Oh I don't know. I know what I *should* do but I don't know yet what I *will* do.

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