Starting Out/Starting Over

September 28th, 2008

I planned to begin this blog with a positive statement about what it was going to be, what its intention and purpose was. I felt I had a clarity about why I wanted to share my journey, how it might help me.

Unfortunately that clarity turned out to be a brief moment in what seems to be an extended crisis. So I shall have to start as I would rather not go on but suspect I will - in chaos.

I am scared. I keep getting disoriented and having perceptual distortions. I went into town today to walk around because I was pacing in the house and I became aware I was behaving oddly, making repetitive movements with my hands, muttering, jigging up and down when I stopped to look at something. I started to lose my understanding of where I was or what I was doing, I felt I might just end up lying on the pavement, it was hard to navigate myself home.

I saw my friend and told her how I don't feel in control, how I am all over the place. I think she saw that too - I went from being paralysed and barely able to respond, to expressing fear and how tired I was, to telling her about the angry voice in my head, to then swearing with anger about something one of the consultants had said to me. We talked about me maybe going on the ward for a couple of nights, as a rest and respite. I actually felt relieved to discuss it - I felt it would help to have a break from the responsibility of keeping myself safe, over and over again.

So that's where I am now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to be more positive and talk about "recovery"