Rocking with depression and restless

August 19 2012

I'm now on depression. I can't wait until the poison is out of my body completely. I don't think I'm getting high. I am however agitated and angry.

I keep having fantasies about being back in Pollachi  and FIGHTING.

I wish I'd fought harder to keep my self, to keep my soul.

I am angry with myself for willingly taking a depression that made me dull and flat, stupid and dumb.

I am angry with myself for being depressed and not recognising that that was one of civilisation's ways of trying to kill me.

I WILL NOT LET THEM KILL ME.

In the end it's all about meaning. You could say I was hallucinating or you could say I'm seeing a reality most people are blind to. 

I'm only just realising how much power I have. The power to influence the universe. I *am* connected to the earth.

Oh I'm confused! huh?.

Everyone thinks I'm getting high and taking risks. 

All  are very sensible. I can see that. But the last couple of weeks, coming off the prob's I have felt like I am waking out of a coma. My thoughts and dreams have had deeper resonance, I have felt renewed creativity and started to be interested in things again. Every one suggests me that I 've a balance where I can take enough patience to be stable. Maybe they are right.

It's just that I feel that all the breaking thoughts and confusions and visions -  may be important for me to find a path through, and important not just for me but for the universe. My dreams make it clear I'm dealing with some pretty ancient energies. 

I feel all on edge and full of doubt after talking to every one. But I am being sensible.  rite! what you say?.....