August 2 2011

Reks called me on 28th July. I had done nothing all day yet I was exhausted, I was starting to feel hopeless. She didn't chastise my heart, she said "you can't let this depression run your life", She clear my mind. I just felt better. 

I've never had this kind of support before, and I find it so powerful. Amazingly simple, not requiring advanced psychology degrees or an encouraging attitude, but it *works*, it *helps*. 

Then Friday (29th July) I waited for her call. Now a days her talk was so helpful and stop talking things to excess, but I finished the conversation feeling more positive. Because basically I have had a mild mood episode, but it *has* been mild, it hasn't gone to extremes, it hasn't taken me feeling I gone miss her, it hasn't lasted very long. After going a little too high it was inevitable. 

So maybe all the things I am doing - eating well, talking normally, doing walk etc *are* having an effect. The problem with me is that I'm always hoping for love, hoping that I will find the thing that will make me well and keep me well forever and ever, but that is unrealistic. Right now, I accept this. And if I can control my thoughts, if I can keep it within reasonable bounds, if I can used to riding it out, I can stop being quite so scared of losing control. 

What I realised talking to her was how much better I am than I was a year ago, or two years ago, or three. I still have problems with my emotions but I no longer have such difficulties with my thoughts and perceptions, and so I can communicate with everyone, and so I can *think* about my emotions, perceive patterns, gain some insight, and hopefully find ways to minimize the impact they have. This is actually a really positive thing. Admittedly I was very depressed earlier this year, but even then I didn't get as *lost* as I have done in the past. Reks and her phone calls has been a very effective medicine for me. She has almost entirely removed a whole layer of my problems. 

And I start to see what a complicated thing love is, how many complex interactions there are between thought and feeling and behavior. quarreling  is one part of it for me right now, but there are also many things I can do for myself. And yes, sometimes I resent *having* to be careful how I love her and so I must make the best of things for her. 
For now I am just intensely relieved that the black shadow of depression has receded. She make me panic, and catastrophic, but I feel ok again, not fantastic, not completely well, but not exhausted either, not hopeless   and bowed under the weight of the way I'm feeling.

Happy Birthday Reks!

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