Relapse

July 15th, 2009

I spent an hour today with my psychiatrist. We discussed the

Recent turn of events (which has been primarily downwards),

Symptoms (incredible clumsiness, feeling of detachment,

Crying lots, etc etc) and dosages of OLEANZ & MIRTAZ15.

As of tonight, I’m jumping from 5mg/day to 10mg/day. He

Did warn me that the dose needed to stabilise me is not going

To be the dose for long-term recovery. In other words, 10mg

May only stabilise me for the short term. If I have another

‘fall in the hole’ experience in three or six months’ time, I’ll be

Taken off OLEANZ and put onto something else.
Well, doesn’t that sound like fun, kiddies?
At this point, I’m hopeful but nervous. Having been through

This before, I don’t want to be okay, then fall apart, just when

It looks like I’ll be fine. Especially as it will mean a whole new

Drug, with new side effects that I’m not expecting. That said,

Any other drug can’t possibly destroy my mind drive quite the

Way the OLEANZ has, but that’s a story for another day, when

I’m not crying over everything.
I have to say, major depressive disorder has knobs on it. And not

In a good way. This is something I discussed at length with my

Psychologist today. We also talked about why my mother doesn’t

Understand depression, despite experiencing it herself; my

Expections of myself; and why it’s not necessarily a good thing to be

An overachiever. It was useful, if exhausting.
Still, even if I’m crazy, at least I have my family who loves me

Anyhow. Thank God.