Playing Safe

July 28th, 2009

Today while chatting my therapist and I were discussing my social life or rather lack of. We decided that I was being careful or “playing safe” as my title infers. I have learned through this journey there are people I can’t be with. It takes a knowledge of what is best for me and the discipline to follow through. I liken it to the kid who gets hurt by another playing in the sandbox. He or she gets up an moves to a different sandbox. The thing is I can’t just move, I have to leave the playground.

Being in the transition from bad relationships to better ones is hard. I think I can’t let my gaurd down. Yet, I know if I don’t bring my shield down a bit, I will stay reclusive. Not allowing others in is appealing, however, it is equally bad for continued healthiness. In my mind I think I will just take life alone to avoid the feelings I might incur from relationships. I remain alone and the loneliness becomes a faucet for unwanted feelings.

My only option is to play safe. I have a working knowledge of what characteristics of a relationship need to be present. I don’t need anyone who drains me, is reckless, harbors toxic feelings, and is basically incapable of a relationship. My relationships don’t need to know about my illness or even understand it. They do, however, need to be neutral at least in their view. I can’t relate with someone who has a negative view of mental illness.

I know I am safe inside my world. As I reach beyond it, I trust I have the skills to seek and find relations that help me. I remember the words of AA “Do no harm.” Me to others

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