Missing you ! :(

May 04 2011

I'm struggling to write anything. I start a post and then interest and concentration leaves and I delete it. I am often without words entirely. I don't much want to be at home right now either, and I'm not sure I'm well enough to be here, but then I don't want to be anywhere. And I think I'm more relaxed in chennai, though "relaxed" sounds far too positive a word to be applied to my current state. I am less damnably tense, less jammed up, less obsessed with watching the phone whether she is calling or not, staring at its slow progress towards bedtime, the highlight of my life. I am depressed at the moment, soul sucking way that finds a complete absence of anything resembling well-being or pleasure anywhere in anything. Oh I am better than I was, but I wish I could feel something. I feel walled off from music, color, meaning, everything. This post is one long moan. Sorry. I'm just not very well at the moment. And I feel very lonely and rather defeated and it's very hard to accept that. And I don't understand how that happened so I am left feeling powerless in the face without talking to her, and utterly lacking in confidence in my blog to manage it.

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