Never be

March 31st, 2009

I will never be be iconic like AR.Rahman.

The most photgraphed as the late Princess Diana.

Never live as well as Mother Teresa.

Persuade others with my speaking as Bill Clinton.

Create poetry as did Vairamuthu.

Overcome like Obama.

Have the style and grace as Rajni kanth.

Help others as did Karnan.

Bring laughter like Vivek & Vadivel.

Write like Jayakanthan.

Sing like Naresh iyer.

Have intelligence as did Albert Einstein.

Create like James Cameron.

I will never be anything but Me;

And that’s okay.

Photography @ Temples

March 30th, 2009

A small ply card welcomes you Meenakshiamman kovil at Madurai. It reads “photography not allowed inside the temple, if caught then camera and film will be confiscated”. Other temples at least allow photography inside the campus and ban only in the inner sanctum.

I strongly want photography to be allowed inside the temples, sanctum included. To me it makes no sense to ban photography inside the temple.

Photography will not reduce the purity of temple premise
Photography will increase the popularity of the temple
People will get to know more about the temples by looking at the photographs
People can cherish their wonderful moments for time infinity
Temples provide ample photographic opportunity and it should be there for everybody’s taking
Temples are so rich in art, it is impossible to retain details in ones brain alone, photography solves the problem
How different is painting of temples/mulavar different from photography, Not much according to me
And finally aren’t the temples the public place ? Photography in public place should be birth right. .

Essential Habits

March 29th, 2009

1. Go to bed at the same time every night.

2. Get out of bed at the same time every morning.

3. Read.

4. Walk.

5. Stay away from every one

6. Get out in the sun. If there is no sun, head out to the tanning bed. (Seriously folks, after three or four days of dreary weather a quick trip to the tanning bed perks me up.)

7. Eat in moderation. (Not like the whole box of poories I had for dinner the other night.)

8. Re-watch movies you know inspire you or generate happiness.

9. Be with people who like to have fun.

10. Pray.

11. Journal.

12. Get up and get out the house, even if it is just for a drive.

13. Help someone. This is most important to my well being. If I give out of my need, better moods follow.

14. Exercise

15. Get to a Yoga class. Who cares if you look stupid? It works.

9 "be" attitudes

March 28th, 2009

1. Be loving.

2. Be joyful.

3. Be peaceful.

4. Be patient.

5. Be kind.

6. Be good.

7. Be faithful.

8. Be gentle.

9. Be self-controlled.

Snekithane snekithane......

March 27th, 2009

Sonathellam pakalile puriven, nee sollathathum iravilea puriven

Good Bye To Airvoice

March 26th, 2009

We are going to pause AIRVOiCE for 6 Months. ..cause I am going to do my MBA @ chennai. These are few shots in my office. Its not an end we ll be back soon with new idea and enthu and with full effort. The only thing is I am going to miss my employees and customers. They hate to say goodbye to AIRVOiCE anyway we hope we ll be back soon.

Hi I Hate You

March 25th, 2009

I am the guy who is sitting in my car at rush hour staring straight ahead with a scowl on the face. I am the one who is watching young lovers walking by and feeling envious. The depression is back and it’s filled with resentment and hate. Why are you such a loser? What a f... up! No wonder you’re alone. You’re going to end up mean and isolated just like that old guy down the street. Nobody likes you. oh God I am saying to my self "you’re ugly! Run your car into that concrete overpass and just be done with it already. Do everyone a favor".

The depression is getting strong very quickly. This morning it was only a thought. A thought to sleep in a little later. By noon the thoughts were becoming incapacitating, draining my body of it’s energy. By the time I got home from outside I was exhausted and took a two hour nap but I only feel more exhausted. The paranoia is back. I’ve managed to convince myself with evidence to the contrary that I am going to be fired from this world. I feel relieved. I don’t want to deal with the stress.

This is all so much bullshit. It’s the depression and not me. I hate it. I hate me. I just want to sleep.

Gone Wrong

March 24th, 2009

I saw a bumper sticker on a car in front of me today! Is it saying that those who battle with depression are not blessed?

Interesting !

March 23rd, 2009

Again, I saw this interesting one-liner (Rather, I'd call it a three liner..LOL) at a local bank in Pollachi.

Yesterday is a cancelled cheque.

Tomorrow is a promised note.

Today is ready cash, use it!

Bliss

March 22nd, 2009

You place your lips on their cheeks and gently blow and the child giggles his heart out.

She tickles you, forgetting that your hands are bigger and you’re a more seasoned tickler! ;p

You heighten the pitch of your voice and say the simplest thing with eyes all wide and he chuckles to his heart’s content.

She whispers to you “where’s chittapa’s crying photo?” for the 12th time and giggles her head off!

She jumps on you and decides you’re her swing and hugs the life out of you– ouch but awww.

He does what he shouldn’t and then peeks at you while flashing a cheeky smile.

She blurts a million stories in a second and and all you got was – cat – drop – throw!

You ask for a kiss and he lands a sloppy sweet kiss on your lips and flashes his brilliant smile and goes “I kisss u”

Ah bliss – the simple joy only children can bring!

Feeling Better

March 21st, 2009

As expected I am feeling much better since my last posts. As I taper off the medications my depressions have become fewer and shorter but are more intense. I blame the depakote for f......ing up my body rhythms but won’t know for sure until I’m off it for good. It’s looking like I should be off it entirely by early summer 2009. The timing is determined by the number of pills that remain. I can’t afford to get any more depakote to extend the time frame. It’s okay though as I feel confident that it’s doable as long as I have a plan to deal with the depression that hits with each decrease. That last one was a doozy. I am going to a meditation class tomorrow to get back into the meditation grove which will help with the next depression.

I am also interviewing for a possible business next week which will get me out of the house. I think that while I enjoy being alone in the long run it is not healthy. I need the people interaction to get out of my head.

This is a quick update.

Can You Believe The Stupidity Of This?

March 20th, 2009

To have it happen once is stupid, but for it to be repeated illustrates beautifully the old saying "Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men". I guess that in this case the rule is definitely being obeyed by a fool!

You Know that ...

March 19th, 2009

... summer can't be too far way when the ice-cream vans start to come round the houses with their tinny musical horns advertising their presence.

Yes, this afternoon the first ice-cream seller of the season paid a visit outside my house. Much as I love ice cream, it's still too hot to go out into the street to "Stop him and buy one".

I Want Your Opinion

March 18th, 2009

So, what do you think that prabhupepsi need to change? What kind of reform do we need? Please, readers, weigh in. I would like to hear from you.

My Gratitude

March 17th, 2009

Well, everyone, it has been a busy few weeks trying to really define my vision and my life going forward. At times I drove myself crazy and other times it was fun thinking of all the possibilities that are open to me now.

I feel so much hope and joy for life. This was something I had never really felt before. All of you have been a big part of helping me heal to the point that I feel safe letting in hope and joy. I also have an inner peace and I know that I am going to be okay wherever life takes me. I thank each and every one of you for being a part of my healing journey. You held me up many times when I would have fallen fast and far without you. You believed in me and accepted me as few people have in my life. My gratitude is beyond words as is my love for this caring and supportive community.

Keyhole Surgery

March 16th, 2009

I forgot to mention one of the best things about the planetarium museum in adyar. You can have a go at keyhole surgery. Well perhaps not surgery, but you can try using the equipment to move some shaped objects into their shaped holes.

It wasn't easy but I did eventually manage to pick up two of the objects and put them into their respective holes. You definitely wouldn't want me operating on you.

Why I am Depressed ?

March 15th, 2009

I’ve written a lot about the form of depression in which I look outside themselves to find the cause for an inner pain that simply can’t be faced. I feel anger, rage, a longing to act out fantasies, or a compulsion to blame and abuse those closest to me. This side of depression is the most aggressive and obviously damaging to relationships of all kinds. In my experience, it is not the only phase of severe depression that can cause a man to leave his partner, whether that departure is a literal one or an emotional withdrawal that can be just as destructive.

In looking back at what I’ve been through, I realize that I’ve lived at various times in four different mind/feeling states over years of chronic depression. In the past, I have behaved differently as I felt in turn each one. Each in its own way has threatened relationships of all kinds, most vitally with my family but also with many friends. Thinking of these separately is more helpful to me than listing them as differing signs of one condition. They may well be that, but describing them this way has spurred me to recognize more quickly what I am starting to feel and do, and so take action to reverse what is happening.

Briefly, what I have felt in these different phases looks like this:

angry, obsessive, blaming, looking outward for causes

empty, lacking all feeling and attachment

despairing to the point of suicidal thinking

apparently restored but convinced it’s only a temporary reprieve

Angry

One is the aggressive side of depression that has probably not yet come to full awareness. This is the mindset of looking to external circumstances, often focusing on family, as causes of inner hurt or emptiness. It leads to the destructive blame, rage, sense of being trapped, longing to escape, etc. that I’ve written about in several posts. Thinking can become fiercely obsessive and paranoid, finding threats, betrayal everywhere. The anger, even rage, can explode at my family for little or no apparent reason. That is immediately hurtful and damaging. It turns intimacy on its head and puts in its place the drive for complete control.

Empty

Another phase involves the loss of feeling about everything and a kind of removal from human attachment. Nothing is painful or pleasurable, and nothing matters much. I’ve imagined feeling “fine” in this state while really distancing myself from my family and friends. I’m standing in place but no longer there. The effect is an understated absence that is no less hurtful than raging outbursts. I have a brief story about this in the next post.

Despairing

Depression comes to a different sort of crisis when I’ve felt extreme despair and shame about being me. It’s then I’m constantly tearing myself apart, obsessing on every mistake, every failure - and everything looks like failure. Thoughts of suicide are common because I feel this me isn’t worth enough to keep alive. Of course, that means I’ve blotted out the love of my ANIPRA and family and feel I’ve failed as well in those relationships. I can’t even hear the words when my ANIPRA and close friends offer love and support. My family can only be baffled and hurt at my inability to be present. Often, I’m actively pushing them away because I can’t face dealing with anyone.

Restored

I want to include a fourth state because it appears to be the “normal” one. One day I wake up and feel fine - I’m restored to my “real” self. My mind is working again, I can handle anything that comes my way. Once more, I’m the responsive, loving son and friend. The problem is that, even when it’s happening, I believe this “recovered” state is unstable. After a good day or week or month, I’m certain I’ll wake up and find myself in the midst of one of the destructive states - or it might just arrive without my being aware of the change. What that means, as I see it now, is that my real self isn’t whole, isn’t recovered. I don’t trust myself, and my ANIPRA can’t trust me either. I could turn on her or shut her out in a flash when I disappear again.

……..

I have my own stories to tell about each of these, but first I’d like to ask a question. What has it taken to restore trust in a relationship damaged by any of these behaviors? Has it been at all possible in your experience to come back from the emotional impact and regain the love and closeness you once knew? Thank you for anything you can offer for the rest of us, good night

A system for people other than me.

March 14th, 2009

The system is set up all wrong.

Need help? Just ask.
Feeling down? Get up.
Want out? Take a walk.
Lost your way? Find a map.
Trapped inside your head? Change your mind.

See what I mean? I didn't think so.

Kind Words

March 13th, 2009

I received a message from a cherished friend asking for my help. She told me her problem and I gave it some thought about mental illness. I told her what I thought of the situation and gave my advice. Imagine how touched I was to recieve the following message:

"Thank you so much for being so lovely I really am very lucky to have such a fantastic person in my life and honoured to be able to call you my friend thank you again for understanding. Love you.

Versions of my name....

March 12th, 2009

PRA-BHU : Just 2 syllables , but people call me many other names.Am all ears to them--enjoying various versions of my name..

Pra-hu (Sounds chinese )
Pra-hoo ( " )
Prab-lu
Praebooo ..
Pablo (Easy - common name )
Prabhy
Pra-fhu (as pronounced )
Trabu
Pramb

Nowadays ,i use syllable tapping-count method when i pronounce my name .Bringing the thumb to the little finger for "Pra "and count next to ring finger for "Bhu"..It eases out error productions..Try out !!

A School Kit

March 11th, 2009

In any tragedy, the hardest hit are the children be it in death or lost lives. The children that didn’t perish, have been orphaned. Normal has become a distant word to them. What we can do is try to bring back a little normality to the lives of this children. Help this children get back to school.

This is a voluntary, not-for-profit initiative by Akshara Advertising.To enable you to help these kids, they have put together a kit costing a mere Rs.225/-. The value, however, is enormous.

Each School kit contains

1 School Bag

10nos 192 pages notebook

1 foutain pen

1 inkpot

1 pencil box

20 nos pencils

1 eraser

1 sharpener

1 ruler

1 water bottle

Narain, a fellow blogger and director of 360 Degree Interactive has launched this initiative to help the affected children get school materials.

Mantras

March 10th, 2009

Everyone has their own mantras. These are some of mine, although their usage varies with my levels of disillusionment, hatred and general atheism.

It’s gonna go away

It’s gonna go away

It’s gonna go away

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you’re worried about something

then do something about it.

If you can’t, then don’t worry about it.

Perception !!

March 10th, 2009

CONCEPT : OPTICAL ILLUSION

Things to do when depressed

March 9th, 2009

1. Paint. Anything.

- Glass

- Canvas

- Paper

- Walls

2. Clean. Everything. But remember, no vacuuming at night unless you live on your own. Try not to wake people up and don’t get angry at people when they inevitably ruin everything.

3. Build things out of cardboard, paper, string or whatever you have to hand.

- A suit of armor

- A dragon (like this one)

- A house (it can be a mini one)

4. Try not to buy things. Give your cash and cards to dad, mom or something.

5. Go out and have FUN. Not too much fun. If you’re too manic, don’t go out. Something bad will happen. Probably.

6. Cook. Pay attention or you’ll burn things.

- Dosai

- Idly

- Poori

- Coffee

- Soup

- Pasta

7. Remember no one’s out to get you.

8. Be relaxed & calm

9. TAKE THE PILLS!!

If anyone has any more suggestions, please leave me a comment or something. I rapidly run out of things to do when I’m depressed. Or probably hypomanic is more accurate for these particular things.

Warning Signs of Depression

March 8th, 2009

Loved ones are sure to notice these signs before you do. Please pay attention if they mention these:

Decreased energy

Fatigue

Abnormal drowsiness

Less activity

Insomnia or Too much sleeping

Loss of Interest in Pleasurable Activities

Social Withdrawal

Unexplained Aches and Pains

Weight Loss or Gain

Decreased or Increased Appetite

Prolonged Sadness

Unexplained, Uncontrollable Crying

Feelings of Guilt

Feelings of Worthlessness

Loss of Self-Esteem

Despair

Hopelessness

Helplessness

Irritability

Anger

Worry/Anxiety

Pessimism

Indifference

Self-Critical

Inability to Concentrate

Indecision

Problems with Memory

Disorganized

Thoughts of Death

Suicidal Ideation

Feeling Dead or Detached

I am tired of...

March 7th, 2009

I'm ... really not feeling very good today. I really want to crawl under the covers and bawl my eyes out, but I've got things I need to do. Let it just be said for now that I am:

tired of snow

tired of work

tired of wearing shoes

tired of wearing any clothes that aren't pyjamas

tired of my face

tired of my scabby head

tired of talking to people

tired of acting like I care

tired of getting on the bus

tired of getting off the bus

tired of not having anyone I feel I can by wholly honest with

tired of guilt

tired of not feeling good enough

tired of the big anxiety headache that's resurfaced

tired of trying not to self harm

tired of boxes

tired of eating crap

tired of not being able to drink several glasses of wine and still be functional in the morning

tired of having to take my makeup off

tired of obligations

tired of not feeling anything good

tired of being frightened that I'm a good person

tired of being frightened that I'm a bad person

tired of the sound of my alarm clock

tired of the queues for sandwiches

tired of medication

tired of hearing music

tired of trying

tired of 'recovering'

and very very overwhelmed.

A Tale of Failure

March 6th, 2009

A tear + a cut + a lie +a counselling session + a new start + a fresh year + a new crisis + a new perspective of life + a cry for help + a referral to hospital+ a diagnosis of depression + a prescription for tancodep+ a psychiatrist + a box of becozinc + a self discharge from hospital + a overdose + a packet of sulpitac + a mania + a loss of funds + a grandiose thought + a packet of olanzapine + a packet of pills down the loo + a fresh start + a tear + a subject dropped + a trial of lithium + a day being sick + a set of poor grades + a year of indecision + ending of love +a decision of mirtazapine +a restart of anxiety + a university offer accepted + a suicide planned + a friendship destroyed + a overdose+ a fortnight in hospital + a diagnosis of bipolar + a prescription of mirtazapine + a longer stay in hospital + a fresh start + a crisis week + a lack of coursework + a sleep disorder+ a month in bed = a month of failure, disappointment and dread.

And you know the thing I hate the most; the time I have described, was filled with indecision about university. By the time I worked out what I wanted it was too late, it is too late, my chance for Manchester has been and gone. Where did it all go wrong? Which part in my sum gave me the wrong answer, why can’t I do maths? I know its was down to me; but at which point did I make the wrong choice, a rash decision, a roll the dice and go back to zero. Was it my self discharge for a month, was it my lack of hope, was it my lack of commitment to medication? What is it about me that makes things go wrong? Whats wrong with me?

Prescription

March 5th, 2009

I mean you wouldn’t think it would be that hard to collect a prescription, this week its been harder than my critical thinking AS level. Not that critical thinking was hard- it just was not straight forward. Last week I visited my psychiatrist at chennai for what was generally an uneventful and unnecessary appointment. At the end of the appointment he gave me a prescription tancodep and mirtaz 15 (I am on other drugs too if you think mirtazapine(mirtaz 15) is odd for someone with possible bipolar) and took it off to boots in my town. Simple enough really. All you do is take the prescription along, sign a piece of paper, pay for your drugs if you are an unlucky person and walk away clutching a little goody bag of mind altering drugs.
For some reason when I took my prescription along it was a busy day, a ten minute queue just to hand over my green piece of paper. Then it was queried; yes I know mirtazapine is not licensed for adolescents, yes I have been on it before, yes it is my usual dosage, yes go ahead and phone to pdoc, yes tell the whole shop about it. This took another ten minutes. Then she came back again; they didn’t have tancodep. “Five working days to order it in”, five days- I only have three of my precious little tablets left I cannot wait that long. So a long discussion takes place in the back room, the lady comes back in a bad mood. I wait for my mirtzapine, ten long minutes pass. By now I have spent half an hour in boots waiting for my medication, it is taking far too long, I want to go home and sleep. The lady comes back again, “Do you want tablets or capsules of tancodep? Do you want 2mg or the generic? Do you want two tablets, or one larger one?” I don’t know, I just want my medication. Again she shuffles off to deliver messages and read a gossip magazine or two. I think I have been forgotten about she is away for so long, but sure enough she comes back and delivers the news that makes me create a scene, that makes me threaten never to use boots again. “We cannot get through to DR ********* so we cannot supply any mirtazapine today”. I have no medication left, I cannot go without it. So I cause a scene. I call my CPN, then I call Dr ********* myself and they say they will give me my meds. Again the lady creeps back, this time looking almost fearful. They have run out of mirtazapine, I can collect it the next day after 5.

Birth day Wish to Sharmi

March 4th, 2009

Today is my sharmi's b'day i called her and wish her .I think she reached 29. In my previous post i had noted that she is one of my 6 persons ever i love. I love you sharmi

Bipolar Isn’t the Only Thing

March 3rd, 2009

Life happens. Living with any illness is like swimming upstream with a cement block tied around your neck. My block is bipolar disorder. The thing is bipolar disorder is not the only thing in my life. I have a family . A business. A mortgage and many unspeakable bills. That’s just some of my life, there is always more.
Bipolar disorder seems to color everything in my life. I don’t want it to control me. I think, however, I make decisions based on my life always being with it. If I reach deep down within myself, all the way to the core of my soul, I find a person who really wants to make it. I can enjoy the family, the business, the professional pursuits . . .
It’s okay for me to want to make it and it’s okay to enjoy life. Bipolar Isn’t the Only Thing.

Lost

March 2nd, 2009

Don't remember who I am anymore, where I am or why I am here. I have lost all sense of purpose. I'm not even sure I am alive anymore. Maybe I died and I just don't realise it. I can't connect to anything. Sorry

Bharathi Poem

March 1st, 2009

Achcham thavir, Naiya pudai

(Rid yourself of fear, Strike hard (the evil/obstacle))

Maanam poatru, Routhiram palagu

(Cherish honour, Learn righteous indignation)

Aanmai thavarael, Kedilum thuninthu nil

(Do not lose your manliness, Stand firm in ruin)

Keduppathu sorvu, Thiyoarku anjeal

(Fatigue spoils, Be not afraid of evil)

Oythal oli, Naer padap paesu

(Do not flag, Talk straight)

Thaalndhu nadavael, Mikaipada solael

(Don’t lose your Dignity, Don’t over dramatize)

Kaalam aliyeal, Keelorkku anjeal

(Do not waste time, Be not afraid of what is base)

Por tholil palagu, Tholviyil kalangael

(Learn the art of warfare , Do not become upset by defeat)

Pudhiyana virumbu, Veeriyam perukku

(Welcome progress, Increase virility)

Pedhamai Akatru, Unmaikku anjael

(Eradicate ignorance, Don’t fear for truth)

Vedipara paesu, Nandru karudhu

(Speak with clear articulation, Always think good)

Vavvudhal neekku, Thavaththinai nirappu nee

(Avoid covetousness, Practise penance daily)

Katradhu olugu, Kaitholil potru

(Practise what you have learned, Cherish manual work)

Saerkay ariyea, Paeigalukku anjeal

(Know whom you associate, Have no fear of ghosts )

Maanam potru, Mandhiram valimai

(Cherish honour , Mantra is potency)

Vallamai pasael, Naal ellam venai sei

(Dont self-praise, Strive all day long)

Yet another birthday!!

March 1st, 2009

Today we celebrated Kerthana's birthday. She is my niece. I think it is the most fun to celebrate birthdays with little kids. They get excited for all and just make the day happy.