A Tale of Failure

March 6th, 2009

A tear + a cut + a lie +a counselling session + a new start + a fresh year + a new crisis + a new perspective of life + a cry for help + a referral to hospital+ a diagnosis of depression + a prescription for tancodep+ a psychiatrist + a box of becozinc + a self discharge from hospital + a overdose + a packet of sulpitac + a mania + a loss of funds + a grandiose thought + a packet of olanzapine + a packet of pills down the loo + a fresh start + a tear + a subject dropped + a trial of lithium + a day being sick + a set of poor grades + a year of indecision + ending of love +a decision of mirtazapine +a restart of anxiety + a university offer accepted + a suicide planned + a friendship destroyed + a overdose+ a fortnight in hospital + a diagnosis of bipolar + a prescription of mirtazapine + a longer stay in hospital + a fresh start + a crisis week + a lack of coursework + a sleep disorder+ a month in bed = a month of failure, disappointment and dread.

And you know the thing I hate the most; the time I have described, was filled with indecision about university. By the time I worked out what I wanted it was too late, it is too late, my chance for Manchester has been and gone. Where did it all go wrong? Which part in my sum gave me the wrong answer, why can’t I do maths? I know its was down to me; but at which point did I make the wrong choice, a rash decision, a roll the dice and go back to zero. Was it my self discharge for a month, was it my lack of hope, was it my lack of commitment to medication? What is it about me that makes things go wrong? Whats wrong with me?

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