Hospital Dairies 2

September 9 2011

I don't remember much about that first week in hospital. Only that though I didn't want to be in hospital nor did I wish to return to my life. The following entry sums the situation up:

I find seeing the Neurologist (Dr.Muthu kumar) strange. Sometimes I worry that I'm not sure what to do when he check my eye veins, that maybe I'm somehow doing it wrong. Sometimes it seems difficult and uncomfortable and I don't really know if it's helping or not. Then the neurologist doesn't really believe in thunderclap headache as such, i.e. he is of the school that sees "headache" as a reaction to trauma and stress and life situations.

This is where it gets confusing for me. Even within services you meet such different approaches to thunderclap headache and the people who suffer from it. Widen the field further to include books and the internet and you have a multitude of attitudes and answers, from those passionately more traditional ideas that illness is to do with chemical imbalance and needs to be managed. Or maybe it's your negative thought patterns. Or maybe you're not taking the right vitamins. Or maybe it's actually all a form of spiritual growth.

I want to believe the neurologist, I want to embrace his perspective. Because that means I can become well and stay well and am not doomed forever to this cycle. But I'm scared. This latest episode knocked the confidence right out of me, because I thought I had recovered, was recovering, wouldn't become ill again.

So I just t know. I know what I think about what I have experienced, and I know what the future holds and I know now whom to trust. I really hope the neurologist is right and I don't have to continue becoming unwell, and I really hope he can help me find that balance.