Hospital Dairies 1

September 8 2011

I couldn't sit still. I was jigging and fizzing. I was simultaneously energetic and exhausted. I thought I had electrodes in my head.

Then that Thursday I woke up feeling suddenly utterly clear-headed and ultra rational. Obviously, I should kill myself. I had had enough of the electrodes and the sensations they kept pulsing me with. I couldn't cope any longer with this crazy cycling of moods. My crisis team (Dr.Mani) came and I informed him of my decision. he said I needed to be in hospital. I said no and just oral treatment is enough. But he said, are you going to come with me now or are you going to call your parents? Do you really want your disease for ever? I said I was so scared to go to hospital again. He went outside to make decision with my parents. I sat on his room in a state of shock. When they came back in they told me that you are going to be hospitalized for 1 week.

The doctor who admitted  me (Dr. Venu Gopal) took one look at me and my MRI report and said ok, Its CVT (Cerebral  Venous Thrombosis) presentation. Everything was glorious and perfect. I was taken to ICU.  This is where things get fuzzy and it is hard to explain what happened in ICU. I know I didn't sleep that night, I was in a strange half-waking, half-dreaming, disturbing state. I still had an enormous energy swirling through me, but it was turning darker now. I felt chaotic and wild. I felt insane. Its too horrible hearing near by patients  voices. A voice kept shouting. It was cold, I could feel my face contorting. In fear and desperation I called a nurse and told her I was having a breakdown. She came to my bed to see me and told me she was taking me  to the Optometrists Doctor. I went with her, and this, of course, was my mistake. I should have found a way to cope, if only I could have found a way to cope - But I was scared.
After back to ICU I spent some time sitting in a chair in the nurses' cabin, hopelessly confused, not knowing what had happened or was happening. Eventually I must have slept. And then what? I don't know, I was in a daze, I felt so broken and confused. I think I dissociated because there is a blank space. I just said the right things. But what were the right things? I was called for the assessment. I don't remember much. 

Coming back to ICU I asked what had happened with the assessment, because nobody had told me, and I found out I was recovering well more than they expect. Thank God!


Siva said...

Wow. What clear descriptions of a very confusing and terrifying time. You have powerful energies at play in your system.

Arthi said...

Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes me back to my own hospitalization in a similar state eleven years ago. I feel much better now, and more able to tolerate those energies. I pray you find a similar path to balance and empowerment