Whats happening to me???

September 7 2011

Actually, deep down in it. Sinking in mud, mired in particularly sticky clay that is slowing my body and clogging my thoughts. 

I just can't open my eyes. It's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous, but it exists as an incontrovertible fact. I can't bear my headache, I can't act, I can't get myself going. My brain feels increasingly divorced from my body as all my "motivational self-talk" comes to nothing. I cant sleep. I 've no rest. I lie on the sofa. I don't tidy, I don't clean, I don't create.
And it is only faced with this seemingly intractable physical reality, this absence of energy and well-being, that my mood really starts to drop, and my thoughts start to turn on the impossibility of living like this, living with this headache. 

And I don't know what to do except wait it out, give up trying to motivate myself because that only leads to despair, accept that for now I am lumpen and useless and simply endure through time until something changes. But I am *so* tired of struggling with this headache, I am *so* exhausted with being like this, I just don't think I want a life like this anymore.

4 comments:

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Shreeja said...

I understand how you feel, it is written well. but all you can do is wait it out. it is difficult when just as you know things have been better , will be better, there will also be a time when you will be back in despair. Whther it is worth living for the good times, I would hope you could say yes but that is a balnce for you to weigh...I hope on balance it is.. Take care.

Shreeja said...

I understand how you feel, it is written well. but all you can do is wait it out. it is difficult when just as you know things have been better , will be better, there will also be a time when you will be back in despair. Whther it is worth living for the good times, I would hope you could say yes but that is a balnce for you to weigh...I hope on balance it is.. Take care

Arthi said...

So sorry you are way down there. I can so relate! You have helped me to realize that I am not alone in regards to how this feels