I am @ home!

September 15 2011

I'm struggling to write anything. I start a post and then interest and concentration leaves and I delete it. I am often without words entirely. I was discharged from hospital on yesterday night. I requested discharge because I am recovering well and also I didn't want to be there any longer, grimly getting through time. I want to be at home right now, and I'm sure I'm well enough to be here, but then I don't want to be anywhere. And I think I'm more relaxed here, though "relaxed" sounds far too positive a word to be applied to my current state. I wish I could feel something. I feel walled off from music, colour, meaning, everything. The days seem very long, and time is something to be endured until I can sleep, with the hope that I might somehow wake up feeling better. I have such a hunger for sleep, I wish I could sleep all the time, but I can barely sleep at night.I am less damnably tense, less jammed up, less obsessed with watching the clock, staring at its slow progress towards medtime and bedtime, the highlight of my life.

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