I do not make a good friend at all

December 1 2011 

I’m slowly losing the friends I took time to grow close to. some by my doing and some not. Some are leaving the country for good. Some are still around but I don’t feel the closeness to them anymore. Some I’ve totally cut off all ties with.

I have this awful way of cutting loose when I think I’m about to lose someone because I think it would hurt me less. I know in past experiences that this theory doesn't always hold true, but I still do it. Maybe because I also learnt in the past that trying to hold one to someone who’s already ‘gone’ in that sense hurts a lot. Maybe because of pride (there’s no maybe about this one, actually). Maybe because I don’t know how to appreciate friendship. Maybe because I hold my standards way too high.

I like the casual friendships I have at my office. when I'm working at my clients place fixing camera's, I made some good friends there but there was always a gap, be it age or academic/cultural background. At my office, I have friends my age, friends who love to read, friends who love to eat, and friends who are just plain friendly. I feel like I belong here and I couldn't be happier about the relationships I have at work. But of course I do want to feel close to someone, in both the romantic and platonic sense. I find myself gravitating to books, TV's, Movies and Dvd's because I lack these relationships that I crave. And I live my fantasy through my favorite stories via these mediums.

I suppose I could do less of that and go out more, meet new people, form new friendships, lower my standards, swallow my pride. But knowing me, I’ll find a way to screw up anything that shows a tiniest potential to be a beautiful friendship or a long-lasting romance.

I guess what I’m trying to tell myself is that I do not make a good friend at all.