Dissociation

December 28th, 2008

Dissociation is my elephant in the room. Dissociation works in my
Life to hide how much it works in my life. The problem is the problem.
I wrote in despair in my journal:

I CAN'T DESCRIBE WHAT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WHAT IS
HAPPENING IS INTERFERING WITH MY DESCRIBING FUNCTION.

Sometimes I suffer a kind of dissociative paralysis. There might be a
Moment when I'm aware what is happening - then I'm gone. It's like a
Rising tide of quick-setting concrete. It's like something squeezing my
Brain until consciousness leaves. It's like a drug, spreading through
The blood. And then there's nothing I can do. I'll be lying there,
Eyes half-shut, and I might look asleep to a casual observer, but I'm
Not asleep, I'm in some kind of half-world, drifting through visions,
Colliding with memories. It's so powerful it scares me.

This is the beginning of a long intelligent thought, I hope. But now
I'm losing focus, my vision is blurring, a great weariness is beginning
To rise up. Because even to talk about dissociation is dangerous, and
Triggers me to dissociate. So I'll have to do it in small pieces, slipped
Under the radar of my defence and protection systems. And that I can
Even write this much is testament to how improved I am, because once
This would have been impossible.