What 'recovery' really means?

December 4th, 2008

This is something that has been on my mind a fair bit lately.

I don’t know what recovery from depression actually entails.

Does it mean - feeling like I did for 28 years of my life?

Or ‘having a good day’ as I have now - doing okay, staying calm,

And needing 15 hours’ sleep? Or am I in recovery as I write, with

A balance of ‘good days’ and not so good days? (’good days’ in

Quotes, because they just don’t touch my pre-depression real

Good days.) Will it include drugs? Or therapy? A better lifestyle?

I wish I knew. If nothing else, I would then have a better grasp

As to how Im going in myself. Generally I feel okay;I can think

Okay,I function pretty well most days, and I’m coping okay

With a fair amount of stress(see post from a couple of days

Ago on very slow renovation for more details).

I call myMother, I see my relatives,I manage to produce work of

Sufficiently high standard and in some instances, earn praise.

But there are the other things that make me wonder whether

Iam actually getting better,or,indeed,if this is as good as it gets

Like never really feeling on top of the world, which I used to feel

Regularly. Like the fact I can easily sleep15hours a day,day after

Day the fact that, when I’m tired, I lose the ability to function.

Tiredness strongly affects my ability to get up and think straight.

For example,I had a really bad night’s sleep last night(due stress-

Induced insomnia-another side effect of mydepression) and woke

Up this morning and thought: I justCan’t do it. I called in sick.

So many questions. I wish I had a better idea as to what‘recovery’

Really means. To be honest, I hope that it meansMore than what

I’m currently living. Life is okay at the moment,And some parts of

It are wonderful - SO, my family and Relatives, even stuff like finally

Finishing a renovation andGetting a tenant into it.

But a lot of the day to day stuff is Hard work, just to live through.

So yeah, I’m hopingThat life gets better - even just a little bit better.

It wouldMake such a difference, the difference between existing and living.