What 'recovery' really means?

December 4th, 2008

This is something that has been on my mind a fair bit lately.
I don’t know what recovery from depression actually entails.
Does it mean - feeling like I did for 28 years of my life?
Or ‘having a good day’ as I have now - doing okay, staying calm,
And needing 15 hours’ sleep? Or am I in recovery as I write, with
A balance of ‘good days’ and not so good days? (’good days’ in
Quotes, because they just don’t touch my pre-depression real
Good days.) Will it include drugs? Or therapy? A better lifestyle?
I wish I knew. If nothing else, I would then have a better grasp
As to how Im going in myself. Generally I feel okay;I can think
Okay,I function pretty well most days, and I’m coping okay
With a fair amount of stress(see post from a couple of days
Ago on very slow renovation for more details).
I call myMother, I see my relatives,I manage to produce work of
Sufficiently high standard and in some instances, earn praise.
But there are the other things that make me wonder whether
Iam actually getting better,or,indeed,if this is as good as it gets
Like never really feeling on top of the world, which I used to feel
Regularly. Like the fact I can easily sleep15hours a day,day after
Day the fact that, when I’m tired, I lose the ability to function.
Tiredness strongly affects my ability to get up and think straight.
For example,I had a really bad night’s sleep last night(due stress-
Induced insomnia-another side effect of mydepression) and woke
Up this morning and thought: I justCan’t do it. I called in sick.
So many questions. I wish I had a better idea as to what‘recovery’
Really means. To be honest, I hope that it meansMore than what
I’m currently living. Life is okay at the moment,And some parts of
It are wonderful - SO, my family and Relatives, even stuff like finally
Finishing a renovation andGetting a tenant into it.
But a lot of the day to day stuff is Hard work, just to live through.
So yeah, I’m hopingThat life gets better - even just a little bit better.
It wouldMake such a difference, the difference between existing and living.

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