Doing what’s right for me

April 11th, 2009

I’ve been noticing that I probably need to start looking after myself better, look for signs that things aren’t right. I already have an idea of some things which affect my mood, for example sleeping. If I go out, come back late at night it takes me about 2 days to recover. A hideously long time. And the reason for that? I have to make the sleep up, and when I’m tired, my mood drops and then I have to deal with the drop, and try not to spiral too far. It’s a bit of a pain, if I’m going to be honest. I really, really enjoy going out to certain places, and when I’m home I do tend to go out a lot, simply because I think Pollachi is better for that kind of thing. I hate, however, that now day 2 has come around I’m feeling rather deflated and wanting to crawl under my bed. I know I need to put my health first, but I’m 28 and I want to still be able to lead my life; I don’t want to give in, it feels like I’m letting depression win if I never go out because I know I’ll get tired and my mood will sink.

Where else do I have to make the right choices? Well I have to be conscious of implications of my actions, what I say to people. Because later, I can use it as ammunition against myself, to say that I’m a bad person because of what I said, regardless of the person’s opinion. People can ‘love’ what I say, but I still beat myself up. So, my funny side runs away, gets compressed, is gone.

This post could turn into a moan, so I’ll stop here. The message is that I don’t want to have to give myself up, my youth, how I am to this. But I have to do something to stop myself from falling down a black hole.

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