Don't you ever get sick of feeling sick about it?

October 11th, 2008

yes I f...... do
Trying to drum up some energy or something, anything, to drown
Out the different parts of my mind. Not much bouncing today, just
A lot of "can't cope", "want to die" and "you are evil"

I found my care plan from the ward earlier. It mentions my "symptom
Of not knowing what is reality and what is not". Which reminds of the
Report my first therapist wrote in which he said I had "problems in
Thinking" and "confusion over reality". Then there was the physcatrist
Who was going to do some CBT work with me until I showed her some
Of my thoughts and then she started muttering about complex
Philosophical issues and slowly backed away.

Today I was talking to a social worker from the crisis team about the
Way I felt earlier this year and the way I feel now. She asked if I felt
Lonely back then,and I said no,because back then I had the universe.
I don't think she understood what I meant. But when you feel you've
Been sent to heal the world it gives you a certain amt of energy and
Purpose. Then you find that maybe u're just mildly insane and you
Have to start figuring it all out again from first principles. These days
People say I am thinking (-)vely when I feel I am just being realistic
And learning from experience. After all,I have spent much of my life
Filled with grand ideas, but have achieved exactly zilch.
And I still don't know what reality is.

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