Temporary insanity?

October 18, 2008

The only reason I’m writing tonight is because I’m scared.
I’m scared that I’ll never really shake off this depression.

That I’ll always come back to feeling horribly, physically sick

In the stomach from fear and anxiety. That it will end up

Driving away the love of my life. That I won’t be able to work

Full-time without spending all my non-work hours trying to

Recover from the demands of being productive for fifteen hours

A day, five days a week. That a relapse will always hover in the

Shadows, at the edge of my peripheral vision, waiting for the

Moment to strike.

I’m scared that I will end up seeing suicide as a better option than

The alternative, just to escape the constant pain in my head. I’m

Scared that I will end up isolated and alone, as my relatives and

Family slowly lose patience with the wreck thats my depressd self.
I’m scared that I’ll never be able to count on thinking clearly and

Rationally when I need to. I’m scared that every time I get tired,

Due to the demands of life or just not enough sleep, I’m at risk of

Triggering a rapid decline into incapacity.

I hate living with depression, but I also hate the fear and dread that

Is part and parcel of mental illness. It eats away at your self-esteem,

As you realise that you can’t always cope with life’s inevitable ups

And downs. Your personality changes until you look in the mirror

And don’t recognise yourself. I was never fearful of life before,

But depression has given me a glimpse of how an ordinary life can

Become unbearable,Through no fault of my own, or anybody else’s.

All I want is to be convinced that it will be okay, and I will be okay.