I lost her...

August 25 2010

I don’t really know where to begin.  I've written so many of these other stories.  And this also really sounds no different.  Then why even do this?  Maybe it will make me feel better.

I lost her you all may know very well.  I don’t know if it was me.  I don’t know if it was the setting.  I don’t know if it was the people.  But I lost her.  And I can’t shake this awful feeling that I’ll never feel the same about anyone again.  But I hate her.  I f***ing hate her, everything she’s done to me.  Every thing that she’s said to me.  Every time she made me feel like I wasn't worth anything.  It all swirls around in my head, sending me into a wild emotional roller coaster.  I miss her.  I need her.  I don’t need her.  I hate her.  She’s wrong for me.  But she was so right for me.  I don’t feel like I connect with a single other person on the planet really.  She really was special to me, unique, amazing, and everything in between.  But why didn't I show it every second of every day.  I spend the first part of my life being alone and wishing that I had some person who understood me.  And here come’s this beautiful 15year old angel.  My guardian angel, and my soul mate, my best friend.  And she’s been gone for two years now.  Making me feel more alone then I've ever felt.  Making me feel terrified of feeling this alone for the rest of my life.  Yet I still feel like my dad told me yesterday.  Told me that she was married to another man.  I never thought it would just come to that.  The girl I had known since high school.  The only girl in the world I thought I would marry.  I never cared about any thing in the world.  And now I wish I could.  I wish I could feel like that again, even just for a second.  Everything I have that reminds me of her I slowly remove from my life.  Maybe if I get it all I won’t feel like this.  Or so I seem to believe.  Cause it seems no matter how many times I remove that last little bit, there will still be what’s left inside me.   The F*** I can’t remove.  The feeling that makes me just want to drive a knife into my chest and pull out whatever the hell it is that makes this hurt so bad.  The feelings of light headedness.  The anxiety.  The depression.  The lack of breath.  The lack of feeling.  The lack of anything that I can think of that makes me human.  I’m lost.  And I don’t feel like it’s getting any better. Everything I do, I wonder what she would think about me. It really just makes me dizzy enough to throw up.  Because I know, I know deep inside my mind or my heart or wherever this stems from, that she is not thinking about me at all.  That there’s nothing I can do to make her come back to me.  That I couldn't keep her with all my strength, as hard as I tried, and as much love as I could give.  But it wasn't enough.  It would never be enough.  Because I’m a f***ing moron.  I could have tried harder, I know it.  But it’s too late.  And now it’s too late for me.  Or that’s what it feels like.  I’ve lost my other half, and I don’t know where to go without it.  I’m just going through the motions.  Work, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, and a lot of sleep.  Waiting for the day that god finally grants me a little mercy and flicks that little switch inside me to off and I can leave this world forever.

I’ve done my time.  I’ve even dated other people, I don’t want other people.  But I can’t have her.  It doesn’t get better from here, this I am positive.  I’m ready to die now.

I wonder if she’ll even call me when our love dies.