Good Days & Bad

June 8th, 2009

It seems that when I have those great days where I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, they are so often followed up with days of hopelessness and despair. It is in these moments that the balance of life is so fragile, it would be so easy to just give in and fall. When I am like this my mind tells me “just stay in bed, what do you think you will accomplish today? If I choose A or B, both are wrong and nothing will really ever change.”

Right now I have several things going on that I think add to this sense of hopelessness. In the near future, I will be forced to make several decisions about my future employment. I am also helping a friend deal with a particularly stressful time. And I face the daily battle of making the choice to do or avoid — do I go to my sister Revathi's function or do I stay home?

When the perfect storm of elements come together, I slip into a state of what I call “The Weirdness”. This state can be best described as living in a waking dream state. I’m so focused inward, that the outside world starts to look foreign and surreal. This state scares me. I guess clinically it would be called Depersonalization, although this is not a constant state and I have never been diagnosed as having this disorder.

Back when I would spend the majority of my day searching the Internet for information, I came across a trailer for a movie called Numb that does a great job visualizing what this state of “Weirdness” is like.

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