This is the first letter that I wrote to Anipra on my birthday(15 /6).
Hi baby! I have been thinking for a couple of days about what I’m going to write… and I am still unsure. First of all, I miss you… madly. I wish that you would have written a little more about the program, but I guess there are future letters for that. I’m so glad you eventually decided to go down there. I want you to recover so badly. You have so much to offer the world, and the people around you, when you are clean and healthy.
I guess the next topic is the important one. I couldn’t for a second tell you that I don’t love you… because I do still adore you. I don’t think that is enough right now. I know that you are making an effort to realize the huge effects this has had on my life, and the other people around you, but I don’t know if you can fully grasp what the last year has been like for me. I don’t think you understand the emotional implications of thinking, for months, that last time I talked to you very well could be the last or what it feels like to stay up almost every night. How terrible it is to be 450 miles away. These things, and many others, have left horrible scars on me. I’m a broken person. At this point, I have nothing to give. Not to you. Not to anyone else.
I spent so much of the last few years being your caretaker that I neglected myself. I let myself get to a spot that I don’t ever want to be again and right now I am trying to recover from that. I need to spend this time to heal because I have years worth of healing to do.
Anipra, I love you so much. No matter what happens I want to be involved in your recovery and helping you get well the best I can. I’m sorry, since I know this is bound to make you upset just like it has for me, but you asked me to be as honest as possible. So here it is.
I love you so much.