Single Or Not

June 19th, 2009

A friend asked me a few days ago if I considered myself single or not. I didn’t have an answer. Like I have said many times in the past, the only thing I can do is walk away. There is no other logical option but it’s hard to say “I am no longer with her.” However, lately I have been actually trying to accept that idea. I feel far more single than I ever have in the past. I have started saying that I am single… and it hurts.

I am having a really terrible time right now. Everyday feels worst than the last. I feel helpless,misguided, and out of control. I don’t think I always realize it but I’m angry with everyone’s inability to understand what I am going through. This is absolutely not their fault, but it is still extremely frustrating. If I have to hear one more person say “you deserve so much better” or “you’ll be okay” I’m going to scream. Telling me I deserve better is not helpful in this situation and telling me I will be ok is just plain unnecessary. I have no doubt that whatever happens I will be fine, that does not however make it any easier for me to suffer through this situation. It’s a little terrifying that I am relating to the way I felt before I cut my arm a few months ago. It’s really hard for me to admit that but there it is. It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. It’s demoralizing.

1 comment:

Depressed Indian said...

Hi Dost...I do agree again. The reason I have been delayed wih my comments is that I am extremely low due to depression and anxiety is at its highest. I am hardly able to pass each second myself and am whilinh away time. Life is as miserable as one can imagine.