My Final Interview

November 8 2010

Many among us would have attended the so called demon called Interview. To be honest I liked Interviews right from the very beginning as it gave me the opportunity to blow my own trumpet. It is the only place where no one will walk away when you talk(You might be asked to leave, if the interviewer find you to be over smart). I have a ninety percent failure rate in interviews( Right from Kindergarten till date).

One interesting incident happened in the year 2006. As I knew I ll not be selected, I had my head held high as I stepped foot inside the biggest fish market of South India,"Tidel Park". I was soon sitting along with a group of computer graduates in that small room which accommodated 25 of us. After some conversation with my co-interviewees I figured out that I was the only one who is not a fresher there. I had a chit given to me which read "6". I turned it upside down and it read "9". There was another babe who had a similar problem. The gentleman inside me used his brain and after a two minute talk with her I agreed that I would go in as the 9th person and she could be the 6th person. I knew that I had won her heart. I came back to my seat and saw her through the corner of my eye. She did not look at me. She must have been shy.

People went into the trial room and came back. I was told that it was a stress interview. The girl who went in as number "6", came out crying. I felt sorry for her because I could not offer her my handkerchief to wipe her tears. I had a severe running cold that day and I had already created waves of designs on my handkerchief with my nose blowing skills. With a heavy heart I sat in the room and waited for my turn. Soon the LCD display blinked, "9". I got up from my chair with full confidence and walked into the room. When I opened the room, I saw six people in the room. Three men sitting behind a long table, Two women standing near the window and one guy sweeping the floor. I knew that something was wrong. Anyhow (evalovo interview parthachu itha parkamatama he hehe he he???) this what they call as stress interview.

To make my presence felt, I wished them very loud. To my dismay I found that I started to hiccup at the same time. I ended up wishing them, " Gooiky Onomoining ". All six were looking at me. They sensed that they had their prey of the day. I took my chair and found to my horror that I had left my file in the waiting room. I rushed out of the room without informing them; took my file and ran back inside the room and sat in the chair. I was trembling now. But I tried giving my best smile. But it turned out to be a massacre of sorts.

The massacre began with a gentle question

Stress Interviewer : Hy
Me: Hy
Stress Interviewer: How do you do?
Me: I do it like a normal man. 
Stress Interviewer: I meant, How are you?
Me: I am fine. How about you?
( He did not like me asking a question)
Stress Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Me: Should I tell about my family or my school days or my college days or my daily activities or my........, Can you be more precise cos If I start speaking about myself, I am gonna eat up your time for sure.
Stress Interviewer: What is your viewpoint on Micro processors?
( I heard it as Microsoft's process)
Me: They are the manufacturers of  windows 9x, xp, me, Internet explorer and MS office..... 
(The interviewer had a blank expression on his face. He looked at the fellow sitting next to him and he too had this lame expression on his face)
Stress Interviewer: Who is your role model?
Me: I do not have one. Different people influence me in the various roles I play. So the answer to this question depends on the roles I adopt.
Stress Interviewer: Do you have any work experience?
Me: Does loving a girl called Anitha, count as a work experience?
Stress Interviewer: What did you learn from it?
Me: If I wanna marry Anitha first I should get a job.
Stress Interviewer: Is this your first Job interview?
Me: Nope
Stress Interviewer: Why did not Selected in any of your interviews?
Me: Because I could not clear their aptitude tests
Stress Interviewer: Then How come you are attending our interview?
Me: Because your aptitude test was the only one I could clear.
Stress Interviewer: Why do you think that our company is the best.
Me: I never thought so. But Yea! If you select me, I will surely think that way.
Stress Interviewer: What is the difference between love marriage and arranged marriage?
Me: I am acrophobic. So it is almost similar to someone pushing me from the top of the building or me myself jumping down. I know I cannot  pass out of this interview.
Stress Interviewer: Why did you choose the computer industry when You have a business background?
Me: Software, Joystick, Silicon, Amrica, Billgates...everything sounded so nice...
Stress Interviewer: Are you a hard worker?
Me: I hardly work to work hard.
Stress Interviewer: What gives you energy to work?
Me: energy
Stress Interviewer: What are the qualities of a good master?
Me: One who conduct class without making students sleepy.
Stress Interviewer: What is your idea on the peace talks between Lebanon and Syria?
Me: I have no idea
Stress Interviewer: How long are you planning to stay with us?
Me: I have not planned that yet. Should I plan that? How long are you planning to keep me?
( I knew from their facial reactions that they were not liking me asking them questions. )
Stress Interviewer: Where do you see yourself ten years from now?
Me: Be the MD of a computer company may be this too and Interview as you are doing rite now.
Stress Interviewer: Who is our Home minister?
( I did not have a clue about it.. I even forgot our prime minister's name when I entered the hall)
Me: Can I pass this question?
Stress Interviewer: No. Give a wild guess.
Me: George Fernandas?
Stress Interviewer: No
Me: Lallu?
Stress Interviewer: No
Me: Can I now pass this question?
Stress Interviewer: You'll be selected if You answer this question.
Me: P.Chidambaram
(But now he is our home minister. See how my instinct works?!)
Stress Interviewer: Thank you very much. We'll inform you regarding the results of your interview after we discuss amongst ourselves.
Me: Do give me a call after 9 a.m. I'll be busy on the phone before that.
(keep my phone charging and doing the toughest job in the world - sleeping!)
Stress Interviewer: Yes. We'll keep that in mind.
Me: Bye bye ( I told this with an attitude and walked out of the room with confidence oozing out like a volcano that I will never get a job)

I never heard from them again... Hope the questions would be useful for young aspiring candidates who attend interviews. Do not use the same answers as you might end up waiting for a phone call for four long years. For four long years I am under the impression that Chidambaram is our home minister. See my impression works what do you say?


Arthi said...

Talking of interview. i have a demo in ten minutes from now. I hope to answer something like this.
S: What is the difference between love marriage and arranged marriage?
M: I am acrophobiac. So it is almost similar to someone pushing me from the top of the building or me myself jumping down. I know I cannot pass out of this interview.

Priya said...

I'm also wondering who our home minister is :P
I happened to be hired w/o an interview when I was a fresher..looks like I missed some fun..

Sruthi said...

hahaha.. loved it.... especially d answer for "how do you do??"