Nothing should happen till she speaks

March 19 2011

This post is about my personal life so no humor only serious craps ok sorry my readers :(. I should record this for my sweet heart ok!

Mood has lifted. Mood is lifting for the past 20 days. Please don't lift too far, too high, I don't like it. But It does only cause of my REKS!.

I am now on the other scale. My head is singing at me, it's a struggle to sit still and I am becoming increasingly sensitive to color. Soon I shall starting wanting to throw my arms wide and shout that color is enough! color is compensation for all suffering! Oh dear REKS.

Interestingly this scale can lead to an outward appearance similar to extreme brokenness, which is me on the room with my eyes closed. It's just that in one scenario I am sick and paralyzed and exhausted and in the other. I am incapacitated by the surges of bliss in my blood. In one state I can't even start the washing up, in the other I can't finish it because I keep having to stop to jump round the room cause of my REKS.

It's nowhere near that bad now, and hopefully will go much further cause of you REKS. I am just a little jittery and spangle and there are a few odd shifts in reality. It isn't entirely comfortable and although in some ways I feel good I still think I like it and should have till my last breath cause of my REKS.

I saw my Councilperson yesterday. She took me to the library and we talked in the car. No need to look for subtle triggers for this mood change, it seems an obvious result of the increased medication. When we got back she phoned the consultant, who said that aripiprazole can cause restlessness and if it's that it should settle, and since aripiprazole is used for Schizophrenia  it should keep a lid on it anyway, and I can drop the citalopram back down to 30mg. My Councilperson felt I had good insight. I feel like I have just realised I have a mood forgetting my disorder. (REKS don't feel bad ok) Cause I went to Rajan uncles funeral. But my Councilperson said that she said is 100% correct if not today then when you ll face?! like that.

So I had an idea let's see - come home from hospital, begin to have meltdown for REKS, But can't get sectioned (yes, AGAIN), then crash into the worst kind of agitated depression. Nice one, PrabhuPepsi. You really excelled yourself this time cause only of my REKS.

I'm home on overnight leave now and I feel all on edge and I'm finding it hard to settle cause she was in her dad's place. I need to remember that it is always like this, making the transition between hospital and home, and it will get better. I was ready to die last year, I don't know if I have ever felt so desperate, but I have recovered before and will recover again cause dono if i ll see my REKS. The only positive I can wring from recent events is that I seem to have got back on track rather sooner than in previous episodes cause she ll make come out of it. I'm just tired right now. And it was only a section 2. In my screwy world this is progress.
Shut down world, Nothing should happen till she speaks or msg cause my heart is weak.

1 comment:

Sruthi said...

I'm so sorry you aren't sleeping, when you just want to sleep it is one of the most irritating things that exists.