Time for change

January 16th, 2009

Everybody keeps talking about change. I would love a change in my circumstances right now. I dream of a strong warrior coming in and sweeping away all the anxiety and depression. My family would be very content and I would be really happy.

So my life is not a movie or a story with a happy ending. No one is going to magically take away my anxiety and depression. Medication and therapy help, but they don’t cure me. There are SO many things that play into recovering from an episode. I remember during my early days of this battle with mental illness. After my first break with reality, it took a long time for me to recover. My illness went into remission and for two months I had the emotions of a normal person. That was three months ago. For the past three months I have been on this bipolar roller coaster that has made me sicker than a ride at the county fair. I have had stretches of relief, but not like those earlier days. I try to remember what I was doing that might have made it better-maybe something I am missing. I have had plenty of time to search myself honestly and I think I am doing what I can.

I have to keep believing I will not only recover from this episode but will maintain sanity. Without this hope, my life is lost. I have accepted that my illness will always be with me. It is a part of me. But it’s a fraction not the whole. Yes, there is change for me. Big or small I will accept it.