No-mind, No-Mood

January 5th, 2009

Today I have had no mood at all, and very few thoughts. My body has been shaking and the walls have been warping, and the very floor was moving where I knelt on it and laid my hands on it to try to find something solid, somewhere.

My aunty came to see me, and I do believe we had a conversation, though I remember very little of it, I only remember hearing my mouth make polite but stuttering noises from a great distance.

I am completely disconnected. I stare out the window in vague puzzlement. What world is this then, that I happen to find myself in? Am I an alien, accidentally arrived here? I can recite facts - the date, the year, the place, my name - but they seem arbitrary. I can pull up a few images from the last few months, but they seem like someone else's memories. Who was that? I'm sure it wasn't me. This reality seems only one reality in a whole complex layering of them, and not the most familiar.

I sit in front of a computer, in my room. I look around the room, and the room goes haywire, the walls twist, the stacks of books ripple and pulsate, the elephants on the mantelpiece start marching. I cannot get outside this experience, there is nothing outside this experience, this is how things are.

Now thoughts do come - I am thinking about the dimensional shift, I am thinking about the origin of dreams - they're not my thoughts, they are the thoughts the world thinks in me, my mind is a giant receiver, that can be tuned to different channels.

It's nine o'clock so I will take my medication. It seems a strange ritual. I start to wonder if the tablets make me good. Right now.

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