January 6th, 2009
So now I have two tablets of OLEANZ to "help me settle".
I'm totally honest about where my head is then yes, probably I should go back. But I don't want to. I keep thinking - what would it change, what would it solve? My messy life and my messy mind are my life and my mind and I either have to live with them wherever I am, or not. I increasingly think that maybe my choice will be not.
When it comes to suicide I am both dangerous and safe. Safe *because* I'm dangerous. Dangerous because I know too much about it, and I know what works and what mostly doesn't. So I wouldn't get it wrong again. I know exactly what to do.
So why don't you just do it?
Right now I feel angry, and I'm glad to feel angry, I'm glad to feel any kind of energy. I am sick of OLEANZ and Mirtaz15. I feel that I have lost my self, lost my soul, somewhere on the way this year. I remember the self who danced alone when he. I remember the self who loved the universe. Where has he gone? Why can't I find him anymore? Why can't I get him back?
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