This is bad

January 22nd, 2009

This is bad. Since I have been in this episode, it has been hard for me to be creative. I couldn’t even think of a title for this post. Writing is hard. Reading is harder. I can’t seem to get my eyes to settle on the page and my mind wants to drum up worries. Worry, what a stupid thing to do. It does not help make anything any better. It drives the depression and anxiety to higher levels.

I am sorry folks. The only thing more depressing than me right now is the news. I hate being such a drag. I know I will get better. I always get better. I just wanted to be better yesterday. I have found with this kind of episode wellness comes slowly each day with some days of setbacks. Like taking two steps forward and one step backwards. Then one day, poof! I realize “Hey I am better.” I am longing for that day.

For sure, this time around I am not going to help my relapses with not caring for myself. (I know I say that every time.) This time I really mean it. Losing track of your feelings and not paying careful attention to yourself makes disaster brew (or a bad case of mania and depression).

Some days I am grateful for this illness. I am a much deeper person because of it. But not today. Today I loathe it and wish it away. Somehow, I think that makes me one step closer to acceptance.