February 12th, 2009

Things can get really weird during the journey with this illness. Last night I just started crying for no reason. There was nothing that appeared to be different. I had a super great day and was enjoying it’s fortunate feelings. Sitting on the couch, watching TV (nothing sad), and I just started crying. The tears would not stop. My mom kept asking what was wrong. I just did not know. she was so worried about me. she stayed with me and was late to engagement he had for the evening. I just sat and cried. I ended up crying myself to sleep and waking up with a headache.

I feel better. Not sure if it is meds, circumstances, past hurts, or just plain life. I am a bit overwhelmed with the holidays coming. I do not want to shop. Another weird thing has happened. Since I have been in this depression, I have not wanted to shop at all. That is a huge switch from my manic-have-to-buy-everything position I find myself in. Especially this time of the year. With every advertisement I feel called to break out the plastic and buy stuff I can’t afford. Now, I have to buy gifts for my family and I do not want to even ride by a crowded store. I think I am going to do my shopping on-line. I went to the mall, stayed there ten-minutes and left. I don’t like crowds and I get frustrated waiting in line or for a sales person to get me the things I need. I am just not going to push myself to do something that might cause me to go backwards.

So, I know I am a bit overwhelmed. I guess I did not realize how much until I started crying. I was like a water faucet. Not only does the having to buy gifts worry me, it is having to go to parties, dinners, etc. This has been a BAD depression. When I get this bad I stay in my house most of the time. I know getting out will help me heal somewhat, but getting out too much overwhelms me. I guess I will be picking what is important and go to that. I will just have to decline all the other invitations.
I am accepting things as they are.

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