February 11th, 2009
Every morning and evening my mom asks me the same question about how I feel. I want to tell her, “I’m better” and really mean it! I feel better right now. I feel okay in this very moment. I am thankful for now and choose to not dwell on how I might feel later. My history with this illness proves that eventually I do get better. It just sometimes takes longer than I have the patience for.
It is being patient with myself that proves almost impossible. I want to feel well now. I needed to be better yesterday. The melancholy that plagues me is old and I have grown tired in having it. I know I must be grateful for the moments of relief I do have.
So many think I can just will myself better. No one can will themselves better. If I had the flu I wouldn’t will myself better. If it was that easy then why are so many of us depressed? No, it is a complex process and it requires self care. Caring for oneself always appears selfish, yet it is the one thing we can do to help with the depression.
It is what I am learning to do. Care for myself. Gently. Tenderly. Patiently. Very soon I will look back and this depression will be a distant memory.
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